Newly Married To Bisexual Women

I'm 26 she is 25, we have been together for 5 years ish. When we first met she told me stories of experimenting with women once in highschool and then college. This turned me on so I would ask her about it in bed, and during sex she would whisper details about the experiences and it turned us both on. So that was all fine and dandy for the first 2 years. Then fast forward to me noticing on her computer that she was browsing women seeks women ads so I got defensive naturally as I felt out of the loop and out of control. She has a serious problem with feeling vulnerable (which she says talking about women makes her feel) and basically told me that women was just something that she "clicks onto" and then forgets about it after - she told me she only masturbates to girls, but is in love with me and thinks we have "great sex". But I know deep in my heart that the sex we have might get her off, but she's not 100% emotionally into it in the same way she was when she would talk about women during sex.

I'm still conflicted if I want to see her with women for my own sake, but I'm starting to really want to just see her in pure know? LIke I don't want her to have to have fantasy time separately from me. I recall on our first date I think she put leggings on me and I loved it!

So after my pushing her (which was a BIG mistake) to tell me more about how she feels about women, she backed away into a corner and hide the issue. Deep deep down and shut tight.

2 years goes by and we are getting along great as per usual (although I find myself ************ to lesbian **** to deal with the anxiety for some readon), I notice her checking out women often in public and watching black swan "thrilled her" she said. So last night I opened up to her about my sexually as she has caught me in the past sending pictures of myself on the internet to strangers. I told her being exhibitionist turns me on, plain and simple. and she was really happy because she said it "clairfied all these confused thoughts she had", so anyway after that conversation we were talking about gay vs bisexual and she got kinda blushed and said "I don't think I can just explain my sexuality like you" and I said "oh I don't expect you too" now we are at that point again where we need to have a conversation where she lets herself become vulnerable and open up how she feels about women. Although I worry about how to approach this now that we are married.

In my mind I just see her in 10 years with kids lusting after women, and feeling as thought she missed out on her true self. Plus she told me some shocking info which I need advice on. She said when she hit puberty she was attracted to girls first and then her mom told her that was wrong, so she listened to her mom and went after boys (flash forward to college and she's jumping her female roomate in a drunken fit) - So where to go from here. I know we need to communicate about this but I don't want to push her into a closet like I did last time.

I don't want to move forward and have kids with this issue under the table, what's the best route? I think we both fear that putting a girl in the middle could damage things, but maybe that's something she needs to understand now. Aside from sexual communication we have an amazing relationships, best friends, co writers, the whole nine yards. But everytime I see a women when I'm with her, I get tense because It's this "issue"...and now it's like when I walk by the L-WORD DVD in the video store with her it gets awkward.....i hate it!!

How can a women be with another women, and then fall in love with a man, and then just push away those feelings forever? I keep thinking having a 3-way with a working girl could be an answer (say on vacation) because then you are not emotionally invested....but this is a male perspective, she would probably get nothing from that and would rather be with a girl she knows.....
montrealperson montrealperson
26-30, M
4 Responses Jan 26, 2011

I have the same thing going on in my relationship she is very bi and we are allays looking for a women that would like to get to know us better and become our friends and lovers to if we all feel a connection. We have meet allot of cool women and we have played with most of them but its hard to make this work with every body living sepriet lives.

Your post was amazing and you communicated your feelings well.<br />
As for your wife, I am sad to say that she will open up only when she is ready to. You can do some research for some books or even a therapist that she can talk to. If she is anything like me (I need to own my feelings first before communicating them), then she may need to come to grips with herself before speaking to you about it. I do agree about not bringing kids into the marriage yet. I love my kids dearly but I wish that I didn't repress the attraction that I have towards women in the past because of fear. Maybe I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel now and in the predicament I am in now.<br />
If she is embarrassed/stressed or shy about talking about it with you maybe a glass of wine and a relaxing environment will help get her to talk. My husband got me to talk a little about being bisexual after watching a romantic comedy that involved bisexuality and also showed the confusion that comes along with it. I will Google the movie and let you know the exact title.<br />
Thanks for sharing, it is nice to read about a husband actually caring and not on the jump into bed with another woman exciting tip because it is not that simple, it doesn't work out for every couple and not every bisexual married woman wants that.

There's an Elephant in the room and you need to talk about it. I was married to a Bi woman for 18 years. We agreed she could see other woman but our health and the primary relationship was paramount. Sexually we were very adventurous, kinky and had a lot of fun some things we tried and loved others we tried and it didn't work out for one or the other of us. Bottom line you must communicate, ( share with love, try not to get angry or hurt even if you may be both. ) don't shove things under the table cos it will lead to resentment illfeeling etc. Then when the communication stops the sex and love etc stops and next thing one of you pulls the pin on the marriage. Thats what killed my marriage and 4 years later I still regret the tupid things we both did and said. TALK TALK Good luck love and Hugs.AB

It sounds like she's a lesbian. You're pretty much screwed.