Worried about husband's feelings, but hey, what about me?

I've been with my husband for almost 11 years, since the age of 15. He is my absolute everything and love him very much. I remember being 6 years old, kissing a girl on the school bus. Had only boyfriends in school. My husband and I have had fun with another chick about 5 years ago. Just a few times.

About 2 years ago, I met another bisexual wife. It has since turned into this amazing friendship, and that alone. But she has turned my world upside down. I asked my husband what he thought about her and I having some fun together. He flipped.

I've explained I have no plans on leaving him. I don't want a relationship with another woman. He said it's no different then if he was with another female.

I will not cheat on my husband, but I feel like I am denying who I am and it's eating me up inside. My gal pal didn't contact me for a few months because she doesn't want to ruin my marriage. Which I respect very much! She has met my husband, even the husbands met. Thought that would make him comfortable with her, no go.

I appreciate any advice! Thank you so much!
Bihousewife Bihousewife
26-30, F
10 Responses May 21, 2012

I certainly cannot answer for your husband. But I can say that my wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. I've known all along that she is bi. She has not acted on this, but she knows that I'm okay if she does. Can't say that I would not mind watching her (men are given to sight when it comes to sex), but if she were to have sex with another woman I would know that it was a physical thing and that her heart and mine were still each others. I also recognize that the human heart is large enough to love more than one person. It all comes down to trust and openness. I love my wife with all my heart. That means I love her for who she is. And she is a bi-sexal woman. So I have to love her for that as well :-)

All I can tell you is that as a man, I would not mind it at all and here's why. I would want my wife to be happy, and if her having a sexual relationship with a woman, while also having one with me and loving me as she says she does, makes her happy, then I don't see a problem. If I fought it, I stand a good chance of losing her, or at least being in an unhappy marriage. If it was another man, that's different, but this is about her sexuality, not anything else. I would support her and as long as she was honest with me about everything, then I would be perfectly fine with it, as long as it did not alter our love life and our marriage and family.

Suggestions to help him understand that? :)

In time, he may bend, if you continue talking about it. But if he's adamant, it's his right and I think you should respect it, whether you decide to stay with him or leave him. It is a hard position, but I think that you should understand his viewpoint too. For him, it is not about your sexual orientation, it is about you having intimate relationships with someone else. Few people would agree to that. And it is also about his fear of losing you. Even if you want just friendship, your deep craving for female contact/women may grow even more once you're in the game. It could be the other way around too, but will he take that chance?

I am in a similar situation. It has only been a few weeks since I became honest with myself and my friend has agreed to wait while I think things through.

The only thing that I can think of for your husbands point of view is that you are friends with this person which he may see as bringing emotions to the situation. <br />
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From your story I understand that the two of you shared the other woman that one time. Maybe your husband is ok with it if you are sharing but this situation sounds like you wont be. I'm not certain how to convince your husband to let you if he is set on the idea that in order to do it you have to share.<br />
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The best advice I can give is continue to talk about it with your husband until you are certain you both understand each other, hopefully that will open the door.

So what to do? Try to suppress the feeling? So hard to do! I selfishly feel as though I'm not being my true self.

This does not sound like an issue of not being your true self. Have you expressed yourself as you see yourself, bisexual? Does your husband recognize this? If these are so, then you are being your true self. The rest, as blunt as it may sound, is just sex. You desire, albeit strongly, to make love to this woman plain and simple. That's what this seems to be about, and you are using your bisexual identity to justify being unfaithful and hurting your husband. Please don't use your orientation as an excuse for infidelity! That supports the stereotype that bisexuals are incapabl of being faithful, to either gender they happen to be with. Only thing I'll add is I am not sure where the menage fits into this though.

That sounds just like me. I want to tell my husband so bad about how I want to be with a woman but I know he can't take it. I have kissed a woman...loved it. Even tried oral...very nice. I just want to go all the way. I do want to be honest with my husband

Sounds like we are in the same boat. I haven't told my husband how I feel, but based on prior conversations I think he will be able to take it. So far I haven't done more then kiss and I loved, loved, loved it. But i don't want to be dishonest with my husband or hurt him

same boat except i've never gone thir with as so much as a friendship with another female been with my husband so long love him to pieces but a piece of me is missing is it fair to ignore these feelings"? deny ourselves happiness? it's just a tough situation and after all i feel i owe him he's the only man who ever really loved me for me thru fatness craziness depression benging or whatever i'm going thru he's always gpot my back he just doesn't wanna hear crap i have to say he shuts me dwn evertime i try to express myself i'm not allowed to express myself pretty pathetic y r men like that?

Thank you so much for your advice! I'm so afraid #2 will never happen! #3? :) Like I said before, I worry about his feelings, but what about my feelings? Gosh that sounds so selfish.. I can't imagine going my life and not enjoying time with a woman. Thank you!! :)

I do not think you sound selfisf at all. You can't help how you feel

Good story, tough situation. I am in a similar situation--although my hub wouldn't flip as much as yours seems to do, there is a level of discomfort from my part. From one end, being with another woman is my fantasy/desire and it's private (only me and me, and the lady of course). On the other hand, I love my hub and I feel bad, like I'd be cheating on him. But I love him anyways, and I wouldn't leave him for anybody (man or woman). I just like to have this in the side, once in a while, without being disrespectful to anyone. <br />
My only advice: you feel and desire something, so you have 2 options: (1) bury it in the depth of your (un)conscious--unhealthy choice; (2) work it out with your husband so you can experience it without drama (best but unpredictable and it may take longer than you think, or maybe never); (3) I'll share in a private message if you wish to know (no, I am not going to throw myself onto you, no worries, lol).

Hi freexpression that sounds great. You can send me a private msg. You sound so much like me. As I do not want to cheat either. I just want to be honest with him.