Trying To Smile Thru The Pain

I've been married to my husband now for 3.5 years and we've been together for 9. We've been together almost all of my twenties. When I first saw him I felt different and new shortl after that I wanted to marry him. He was shy and sweet. We had some problems in the bed becuase he was so shy but I thought that I just had a higher sex drive than him so I tried to overlook it and compensate for it. Later when we moved in together it got worse becuase I would want more sex and he was happy with very little. I thought it was something wrong with me so I tried being sexier, working out more, trying new things, but we would just have more and more arguments about it. I married him even though we had this problem because I just thought I needed to relax, maybe I was a nympho.

After about a year of being married and things not getting better I decided to fantasize about other people which I've never done while I was with him. I figured it would help me stop having sex cravings for him since all it did was cause a fight. I always loved watching romantic movies and found myself watching more of them. I started to realize that I wasn't watching them and pretending I was being kissed by the guy. I was imagining myself kissing the girl. Such a strange feeling. Never really thought I was attracted to women in that sense but I found myself doing it more and more.

Months later I get into another argument with my husband on our anniversary, no sex of course :(. So I decided to answer an ad for a bi-curious woman. We ended up meeting and hitting it off right away. She was beautiful and smart, and her sex drive was as high as mine :). It took us a few months of hanging out before we made love (I say made love because by that time I'd fallen for her and that's definately what we did) it was amazing! I've never felt so satisfied after sex. I slept the whole night in her arms without budging. The next morning we woke up at the same time like we were that in sync with each others bodies. At that moment I knew why sex with my husband didn't seem to be enough. Why sex with any man never seemed to calm my craving.

The sad part is shortly after that we got into a huge argument about me not getting a divorce and how greedy I was being. I'll admit I was scared to divorce my husband. It's been over a year later and I still think about her everyday. But when I think of divorcing my husband I get panic attacks. He's a great guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings anymore than I have. He knew about what I was doing but stayed with me anyway. I went to therapy and I've been trying to "get over" my feelings for woman, especially one in particular but it's not working. I'm afraid this will never go away. But I'm also afraid if I get a divorce I won't find a woman to be with. Then even if I do I'm not sure I would want to be married. A relationship with a woman was more complicated than I had anticipated and in that sense I would rather be married to a man. I go back in forth in my head so many times that my head hurts and I feel my life just slipping past me. At one point I told my husband that our marriage was over and he looked at me and said "you'd rather be with Them?". That hurt me so bad and I felt so ashamed that I said no but I know I'm not happy the way that I am. Other than that he has been such an understanding husband, I feel stupid to leave someone like him. I really don't want to explain to my family why I got divorce when I don't have anything to really complain about.

I feel so lost. I'm just tired of crying about it and want things to change for the better.
Hdsinfd76 Hdsinfd76
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 10, 2012

"You'd rather be with Them" wow... that's hurtful (and very disrespectful to you).

Being with a woman for the first time, falling in love with your first, is intense. That takes a long time to get over. (Despite dating other women, it took a good five years for me to get over my first female lover) Seems as though getting over her would be especially difficult in your situation where you split with her and stayed with your husband. It would be easier if you were free to explore your sexuality and see if a woman is really what you want.

Staying in a marriage because he's a good guy and you don't want to hurt him is unfair to you and him. Don't settle. Love yourself enough not to settle for this. Divorces are messy and it can be difficult to come out to your friends and family but it gets better. and I promise there are loads of women out here :)

As for staying with him because a same-sex relationship is complicated...Relationships are work no matter which gender you choose as your partner, I would venture to say the whole 'being married to a man' thing was probably more of a stressor in your relationship with her than the two girls thing. And if you get divorced and find a woman, you don't *have to get married :)

Also I'm curious if you went to an LGBT supportive therapist.. and if the issue at hand was infidelity or your sexuality? You can't cure same-sex attraction... If you wish to be in a monogamous relationship with your husband you have to get over her- Just like if you fell in love with another man. That's just gonna take time and distance

Do you have a friend you can talk to about this and be open about every thing? I hope so..

29/f/bi (if that matters?)

It has been very hard getting over her. When I saw a therapist, it was just me and I went there because I was feeling depressed. Then the topic of my sexuality and infidelity came out. She basically said that it sounded like I was waiting for the right time to get a divorce. That might be true. It just seems so hard. I don't have a lot of friends that live nearby and my husband already told me if we got a divorce he would never speak to me again. I know it's not a good excuse but I really don't want to be lonely.

I reminded him the other day that I was still attracted to women and that I need that type of intimacy in my life. The kind he hasn't and I guess can't provide. So he's allowing me to have an intimate relationship with a woman once in awhile. I'm not sure how long he will stick to his decision. But I already feel better now that I have the option if I want to do something. After "her", I can't really see myself in a relationship with another woman besides sexually. I know either relationships can be complicated. Just seems like its more complicated with a woman. Speaking honestly to my friends, one that was engaged to a woman, they say the same thing.

I want to be married but I also want my sexual needs satisfied. Seems like I can't have both with my current husband. And I don't want to marry a woman becuase that means I'd have to come out to my mom which I would rather not do. So for now I'm staying married with the possibility of finding a friend with benefits. I feel kinda dirty saying that...

Thanks Mordecool for the post.

30/f/out of the 'closet' as bi for a few days here....<br />
You are not alone. I have not had the same one on one experiences that you have had, but I really resonate with your feelings of, why in the world would I leave such a wonderful man?<br />
<br />
I've read so many stories on here, that when I began to read yours, I really thought that you were going to say that it was your husband who came out bi! The lack of sexual drive towards you coupled with the anger towards you, seems that maybe there is more than than you both previously thought, that he's not willing to come to terms with.<br />
<br />
Believe it or not, that would be the easy answer! My hubby is what I've learned the 'straight spouse', and every time I come on line to find the answers to my problems I find one of two people: 1) people who say, have an open relationship, it works for many! and 2) your a selfish such and such (which is SO NOT HELPFUL)<br />
<br />
I feel for you.