It Doesn't Go Away No Matter How Much You Ignore It.

I am in my mid-thirtys, been married for more than 10 years and sometime after I got pregnant for the first time, I finally told my husband the truth about my sexuality. The reasons why I told him are a whole other story for another time. This one is about a period of YEARS going by without my so much as smelling the scent of another woman. (Ok, maybe I am exagerating.) The fact that the desire never leaves you is more of an observation than being the "goal" of my abstinance. I have had to put it on the backburner, so to speak, so I could raise two children with my husband. Sometime ago, I thought it isn't so bad, going without and all, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I have always been awaiting a time in my life when I can be more indiscriminate due to less responsibility as my kids grow and become more independent. I believe that time is near, and now that it is and I have been waiting all these years I find myself overwhelmed with fear. I can't decide if the desire is stronger than the fear or not. So I came here to explore it and communicate with others in an attempt to figure out if I want to explore that part of myself once again, or leave it behind forever. I am very content with my family, marriage and life in general, but that will always nag at me. I love women and being with them and touching and smelling them.......there's nothing like it in the world. I miss it. I hope someday to find a discrete female friend to share all this with. I am not attempting to hide it from my husband because he knows and claims not to have a problem with it. I have explained to him that being with a woman isn't better, just different. Anyway, that's all for now. Look forward to meeting some of you soon. Thx -NLVGirl

31-35, F
4 Responses Feb 18, 2009

I really wish i would have found this website and you girls to talk to much sooner!!!

It is comforting to know that I am not the only one in this situation. I lived a carefree life the moment I discovered my attraction to women. But then duty and tradition and fear of going against society led me to marry an amazing man who knew the truth about me. I've been married for 12 years and have 2 beautiful children. My husband and I have not been very intimate and it is not so satisfying for me b/c my thoughts always seem to linger to woman. No one specific, but women in general. I have not been with a woman since we have been married... and the guilt of straying would all but kill me.. or so I feel. But, more and more, I long to be near a woman.. to feel and embrace, and just be intimate... I too am at a crossroads and so unsure of myself...

Same here; my husband knew from the moment we met. He's my best friend and the father to my children. I love him and hope we can spend the rest of our lives together, but I can't deny that I often wish he were a woman; that I was involved in the type of relationship I've only experienced with other women.

My hubby knew when we got married, but he maintains that attitude that being with anyone else is cheating and he won't tolerate it. Of course, he didn't tell me this until after we got married. He seemed OK with it then and we even talked about having a ********* with the right woman. It's hard to want your cake, but know you can't eat it too...