My Life Changed Six Years Ago

Six years ago I became attracted to a woman at work.  I was so messed up and confused I didn't know what to do.  I was a married woman with three kids.  These things didn't happen to people like me.  But it did.  I just plugged on confused and unhappy for a long time.  I didn't have anyone to talk to because I am a conservative Christian and I knew my friends would reject me or tell me it was a sin.  How could such a wonderful feeling be a sin.  I felt like I was in love but because it was a colleague from work I couldn't express my feelings. 

Lately I have been looking on-line for a woman.  I feel so guilty but I just can't spend the rest of my life wondering what it would be like to love a woman.  I don't want to betray my husband but on the other hand how can I continue to ignore these strong feelings within myself.  I know so many women that I long to feel their touch and their love.  But they are all straight as far as I can tell so I need to look for someone who feels the same as I do.  I can't really forgive myself but what else can I do.

fortysomethingwife fortysomethingwife
46-50, F
3 Responses Mar 1, 2009

Wow. I'll hv to look that up. It's kinda encouraging n still discouraging hearing all that from a Christian. I 2 am married w 2 kids for 9 yrs. N jus became seriously attracted to this woman last month. I feel so wrong in Gods eyes yet so right n her presence. I hate the feeling of sin but can't deny the attraction or the urge. This is the 1st time I'm having any sexual feeling for a woman. So it's all so confusing n overwhelming. I missed church 4 the 1st time n a long time bc of my conviction. I kno that God loves me n did so b4 I was even formed even while knowing all I would do n think. But it still hurts to feel like I'm betraying both God n my husband.

Fourty-seven, married for 17 years, Christian, and bisexual here. We are not alone, girls! There are many of us out here, and are all facing the same struggles. I wrote a blog here on EP about being both Christian AND bisexual. It might help you both with your feelings of guilt about your feelings and Christianity. Most Christians use the Levitical Laws to justify the condemnation of homosexuality, but they forget a few things. Those Laws don't pertain to us. If they did, then the very ones who use them to condemn us would have to stone adulterers. They would also have to stop wearing clothing made of two different materials, and the men would have to fix their own dinners and clean house while their wife is on her "monthly", because anything a woman touches during that time is unclean, and those who touch her, or it, is made unclean. Yup, those are all part of the very Laws used to condemn our actions, but they are ignored until the topic of homosexuality comes up. Please check my blog out, and let me know if it helps. We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God. We are saved by His grace alone, and no matter how "perfect" we keep ourselves, it still wouldn't be enough to earn His love or forgiveness. We just need to realize that. Grace is unearned and undeserved blessings, and those blessings come in the form of salvation, sanctification, justification, provision, and every other good and perfect gift. God IS Grace, and He pours His grace out on us, even while we were yet sinners.<br />
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My point is, God chose us, otherwise, we wouldn't care what He thinks of us or our actions. He knew us before we were formed in the womb. He knew who we would be, what we would do, and how we would feel. But He still called us to be in His family. That doesn't sound like condemnation to me.<br />
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But you do need to talk to your hubby about this, because unless he is ok with it, it is not ok for you to give yourself to another woman. That would be cheating and deception. <br />
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Please let me know if I can help you in any way.

How do i find your blog?

i know you feel..for i find myself in same situation..42 married and i long to love and be loved by a woman

I am right there with you all! Are u still on here?