Without Him, I Would Not Be The Person I Am Today!!
Have you ever seen the movie Sybil? Well, as a young child, from the age of 4-15 I was physically, sexually, verbally and emotionally abused. Then, after being removed from my home at my request I was placed in a girls group home, I was 15. But I had a difficult time fitting in, because a big part of my life I had been locked in my room, never socialized with friends, and if I did make friends they were the other misfits. So, not being in the home but about 3 weeks, I headed out on my own, not knowing what tragedy or the series of events that would take place and nearly destroy me physically, spiritually and mentally. I was damaged. At a young age I was prostituting, and eventually fell into a cycle of drugs and alcohol to mask the abuse that continued until I was nearly 32. Having lost all dignity, self respect, self esteem or love of self, I did not know who I was or if I had ever been me at all. I was always under someones control, if not by physical abuse, than verbal abuse, brainwashed into thinking I was of no value and unworthy of love. Having suffered the losses of 13 children, one by abortion, twins, due to an Eptopic(tubal pregnancy), 7 miscarriages, and two children born and raised by me until 2and a half that I lost, one to the sate of Virginia, and the other to my mother. At 32 I gave birth to my final child, my son, who I believe God gave me as a gift, to lead me to Him. When My son was nearly 2, I finally gave in to a friend I'd made in the Domestic Violence Shelter, she had stuck with me for well over a year and just loved me, even when I was not so nice. I still had drug and alcohol issues, and I could not longer blame anyone but me so I finally accepted and went to church. When I walked in I was welcomed immediately, and people began to love on me. But having been used all my life, I trusted no one, so I always took notes so I could go home and read the scriptures myself. I accepted Jesus the very first day, and I have to say my life for that first year was like I was on a honeymoon with God. I had visions while sleeping and angels sang over me all night, anywhere I went I was guided by the Holy Spirit, it was truly a miraculous revelation and concrete proof that there was a God, and He had sent His Son for me and anyone else who wanted the free gift. I found it hard in the beginning however, that a God would love someone like me, I had hurt many people, and now realized that hurting people do hurt other people. It has been 16+ years now, and I am no longer a babe in the Kingdom of God. I still struggle, life is not perfect by any means, but I have a Father who loves and cares for me in my worst condition. "Father" that word was hard to swallow having had 2 earthly fathers who had robbed my innocence, my youth and much of my life because of all the abuse. But God placed people in my life to lift me up, encourage and help me to grow and understand just how deep my Fathers love runs for me. I am convinced that when I leave this world I will be with Him in heaven. Now the worst days I have are better than the best days I had before I knew Him. I am not there yet, He has MUCH work to do in me, and everyday does not FEEL good, but I throw myself on His mercy. Knowing that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.