Walking In Quicksand Again

It's been a while. I've been managing by connecting with some really wonderful people and been distracted by the panic involved in figuring out what the heck is happening to me.

So, the MR in March showed a small area of abnormality. So I dealt with that for 4 months. Next MR was clean! The area was gone!

So now what do I do?

I continue with the video diary for my kids. It's not therapeutic because I am talking to them as if they are the age they are today, not in the future, so alot of it is not age appropriate. But it helps me to know they will have it. I really hope I am watching it with them one day and laughing at my weepy self.

I want to tackle some systemic drug underfunding issues.

But, now that the crisis is over for the time being, there is a flood of repressed emotions. I know too much about grief and bereavement, so it's hard to be in my head right now. Have also been having it out with my husband about the "in sickness and in health" part of our wedding vows.

Everyone else has moved on. I look fine, I appear fine in terms of all the other abilities people can see. But I'm not fine, and no one seems to want to cut me any slack for having a bad day. I want to shout. It's not everyday some insensitive doctor tells you how and when you are going to die. Like my screen name, I will survive just to prove him wrong, if for no other reason.

I feel like I'm wading in quicksand again, and no one in my life is reaching out to help. As i said before, I have met some wonderful people, but they are online, so it's really good for a while, then I walk into the next room and reality hits.

I remember another BT patient saying that he wished that someone, anyone else in his life would have a problem because everyone was focused on him and his needs. It made my cry. I have the opposite experience.

So, I'll keep muddling alone, and get through it. What other choice is there really?
Stubborntoafault Stubborntoafault
36-40, F
Aug 8, 2010