Here We Go..

I've had my share of the struggles during the 19-years of my life, and I have a huge need to just write and confess everything somewhere. So I think it's awesome that we have sites like this. Anyways, let's get started then.

I'm currently 19 years old, a male. I was the first child born in my family. My dad has always been very narcissistic, and for past few years I've been thinking it's possible that some of the horrible things he did could someday reflect on me. Looking back to my childhood I remember very little good memories with him, but my mom was always nice to us. She has always been caring, kind and very understanding. Wish I had the guts to tell her that.

I had to move to another city when I was only 10 years old and it was really hard for me, since I feel like I've always been very emotional. I was bullied for the first year in my new school and felt really lonely. That's probably what led to my confidence-problems which still very much reflect to my life. However, I was able to make some friends next years and even some of the people who were bullying me became my friends. 2 or 3 years after that went pretty smooth in school, even though some people still tried to bully me, because of my last name and the fact that I actually cried on the first day at my new school. I had learned to defense myself though and was no longer as insecure as before.

After I got to the junior high school (I think that's the right word), things were quite good. My dad, though, was getting more aggressive and I remember a time when I was crying on the floor and he was kicking me. I called him "crazy" and some other words too, and that got him even more mad. After my parents broke up, I obviously moved in with my mom while my dad got the house, car, everything. My mom had to rent a house about 7 kilometers from our old house, and for 2 months after their break up, we spent a lot of time with mom awake during nights. Sometimes talking, sometimes just afraid that dad would show up drunk and do something.

Although it was also very hard time for me, that's where my life begun again. I started getting some self-confidence, girls started getting interested of me and vice versa. I had quite many friends, not many "good ones" though. 2 years later I started dating a girl who used to be my friend, a very beautiful and smart girl with perfect body. I found out that she had had a crush on me all the time while we were friends and we ended up together after amazing summer spent together. She was my first real love. We did everything together and because she lived quite far from me, every time we saw each other it was really special. I lost my virginity to her few months after dating and we couldn't keep away from each other. It was beautiful time and I had no idea how badly things could go wrong in the near-future.

In 2011, I was at my girlfriend's parents house and we were laying on the bed. She was next to me and we were talking, while she noticed "lump" below my ear. I went to a doctor and she told me that if it'd get any bigger, I should go see her again. I ended up meeting several doctors during the next few months, and while I was afraid it could be something serious, doctors didn't seem to think so at the time. Finally they agreed to get x-ray pictures and "blood tests". A month later, I think, my mother came in to my room while I was on computer. She started crying and I was staring at her and asked what's wrong. After she started talking, I realized what was going on. I had gotten cancer. (Non-Hodgin Lymphoma)

The first thought that came to my head was that it couldn't be true. I was only 18 and had cancer? I tried not to cry at the moment, but asked my mom to leave me alone for awhile. All kinds of thoughts came to my head. Could I die? Will I have to cut all my hair? What will friends think? But most of all, I couldn't believe it's true. I called my girlfriend. She started crying and asked me several times if I was being serious. It was really bad weather that day, but she came 8 kilometers with bike to see me. That moment I felt like I had someone to help me go through this. That I wasn't alone. We cried the whole day and weeks after that. I tried not to cry so much so my girlfriend would feel better, but I was really messed up inside. I was also keeping it a secret from my friends at a time.

I had to go to a surgery later that year. They were able to remove most of the area where my cancer is and it hadn't got to other parts of my body. I was a bit relieved. Before the surgery they warned that there is a very small possibility that my face could be affected by it. I still can't completely feel the other side of my face, but you can't see any difference and it doesn't feel any different than before unless you touch near the surgery area.

However, back to the treatments. After the first weeks I started feeling bad, but since I didn't have to go to chemo, I never puked or anything. I had to go to a hospital every day for a month. 160 kilometers of driving every day, most of the time during school, so it came impossible to lie to my friends. I told few of my best friends about the cancer, but didn't want it to spread everyone. It wasn't really because I was ashamed of it, but because I didn't want people to start acting different around me. I wanted something in my life to be normal.

During the time I went to treatments for my cancer, I thought about my girlfriend a lot. I remember a time when I asked her if she'd always stay with me and love me, even if I was badly sick. She convinced me that she always would and then hugged me. I was sure that she'd be there for me. I believed her and she was the most important person to me at that moment.

Again, I thought things couldn't be any worse than they already were: I had cancer, I couldn't really go to school a lot and I was feeling **** all the time. One morning I was on the hospital with my mom. A friend texted me at 8 am. "Yesterday when you left the party, I saw your girlfriend dancing and kissing with a guy". I couldn't believe it. I felt like I lost the most important thing in my life and that getting cured of cancer didn't really matter at all. Later that week she also confessed that she had slept with another guy. I started crying and then got really mad, ran away from her appartment straight to my car and started crying again.

I got my cancer cured after the treatments and doctors said that I should come there every 4 months for next 2 years to be checked. Few months later started dating my cheating ex-girlfriend again. I believed she had changed, because of all the things she had told me and how sorry she was. I had trust issues with her ever since, but I tried to forget everything she had done to me. I knew I was escaping the truth and lying to myself, but I knew that was the only way I could be happy with her. After all, I thought she was still amazing, good-looking woman and had so much in common with me, that I couldn't lose her. She ended up cheating on me in several ways after that, but nothing that big. I knew she danced with some guys in parties, but I remember doing that too occassionally. Still I knew inside me that I could never kiss or have sex with someone while dating her. Never.

3 weeks ago from now, I found out she had cheated on me last summer. I was crushed again. We had just moved to a new appartment and I was in love with her, and able to live with her past mistakes. But after I found out that she had cheated on me once again, I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally was able to tell her it's over for good now and tried to verbally insult her in every way possible. I could see it really hurt her. While she still didn't have a place to live in, she tried a suicide by drinking some toxic cleaning liquid. I made her puke it all out and kept asking if she's okay for the whole night. Although I hated her in every way possible, I'd never let her hurt herself.

She finally moved away and even though she claims that she's still in love with me, she's drinking a lot with her friends, talking to men in facebook and doing everything to get over me fast. It kinda hurts me, that the relationship that meant everything to me, means so little to her now. I believe that if you truely love someone, you will never cheat on her/him. She claimed she cheated on me because of confidence-issues, and because she didn't think I love her enough. Sure, we fought a lot, but when we didn't, I always told her how beautiful she is and how much I love her. If I look back to the relationship, I know I could have done many things better, but unlike before, I no longer blame myself for the fact that she cheated on me so many times.

Wow, I didn't plan this text to be so long. I seriously doubt anyone will even read the whole thing. Excuse me for not-so-fluent english and if you read the whole thing, thank you. If anyone has had similar experiences, I could really use some tips on how to get even bit of my self-confidence back. I'd really like to feel good about myself again.
iamonajourney iamonajourney
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 30, 2012

I can relate to a lot of your experience. BTW you are very brave. I was diagnosed with cancer recently, and my ex-boyfriend, didn't ride his bicycle in the rain, but flew half way across the world to come and see me for two weeks. We are back together now, the rest of the time, we talked on viber twice a day for hours.I could not have done it without him.Call me crazy, but during my treatment I gave my boyfriend the green light to see other girls- I figured, he was far away and worried sick about me, so I told him to do whatever it takes to stay happy and healthy. But of course as soon as I got better and my hair grew, I switched the lights back to red!But you need to decide what works for you, is having your gf in your life helping you get better or is the jealousy making things worse for you? Getting better is your goal, always remember that!