A Cheating

I just recently cheated on my boyfriend. Again.

For a long time, since two years, in fact, I've been with my boyfriend. During this 2 years we were a loving relationship, it is however from what i feel, going down hill now. The distance is just killing our love and it is physically and emotionally tiring us.

Lately, I've been questioning myself plenty of things. My priorities, my passion and my life directions. Do i want to get married? How long do i want to stay in my current job? Where do i see myself in 10 years time? All this question inevitably involves him which somehow i have no answer to. My future is a mist of gray.

I'm not saying this to justify my doings however, it is definitely one of the causes.

Honestly, i know I'm not the marrying kind. The first time i cheated i knew i would do it gain, even though I'm the kind who cannot handle guilt and i told myself not to.

For a long time initially in my relationship i pride myself for staying faithful. I managed for the first year and a half. But my first cheat change everything. It was just raw lust that night. Guilt was obvious but i was disappointed with myself more so because i wasn't able to stay faithful. I tried so hard to maintain my good records but in the end i failed.

This time i cheated with a man i found to be insanely indifferent. He is widely traveled, knowledgeable, charismatic and opinionated. I have never met someone who I've had such intense conversations with. Something which i find lacking in my boyfriend. when i met up with him, i didn't intent to sleep with him that night. I told myself it is just going to be a friendly dinner, it was the intense conversations that i looked forward to. Somehow the connections turned into attraction.

It is probably the thrill, It is probably my self esteem. Or maybe I'm just curious. Or wanting to move to greener pastures. I know whats is wrong with me and I know what i can do to stop myself but i chose not to.
nicorley nicorley
26-30, F
13 Responses Dec 13, 2007

Conflicts are part of all desitions, but there is always fun in those conflicts... I just relax and play it by ear... sometimes it works well sometimes it's just baaaddd... lol... i know it is unavoidable to feel bad sometimes but it is normal to give in to temptations sometimes... just normal... kiss... Escondido

typical female.

you're not unusual or messed up

Do not be so hard on yourself. No one person can meet all of the needs of another all of the time. Jesus even failed that test big time! (If you believe in the Bible) Every one is made differently and does things differently. That is what makes the world go around.

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Men have the same problem sometimes. I couldn;t stay too long as she was too moody. We loved each other, but she would have her moods and ruin everyting. Put up with this for 2 yrs and then called it quits.

indeed nicorley... and true love may sometimes never be found again...

because i have tasted true love and i dun wanna give it up.

Thanks holly.<br />
<br />
I may have fell short of anybody's expectations but i live by mine. I just have to pray in time, i will get my answers.

LadySoulist - Thank you. I know one day i will, until that day comes i think i should refrain being in a committed relationship, breaking hearts and causing tears.<br />
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Lord P - Your lil comment injected a bit of laughter in this story written by a heavy heart. Thank you. and as for acting dumb, How long can you musk that? Some how, you are bound to be spotted. LoL.<br />
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sasxiv - Looks like you had your fair share of playing the field, time to move on. LoL<br />
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msterling - I want to leave but I'm not certain if i will be doing the right thing. We love each other deeply but the distance and stagnancy of the relationship id just wearing us out, at least for me. At this point in time, breaking is not yet plausible because i need to clear my head and truly consider the factor and not get affected by just 'one night'<br />
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JRKS - Your advise is just the same as what my best friend has been telling me. Maybe i'm making myself feel guilty to feel better. I always tell myself that if one day if i found out my guy cheated on me, i would sit down and listen to his explanation. I just hope that if i choose to tell him now, he would offer me the same luxury.

You didn't cheat... you followed your passion. There is no game being played here... you are living your life, and in this case life said, "have sex with this man." And you did.... <br />
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Just don't ever do to another what you wouldn't want done to yourself. Obviously you would be o.k. with your bf doing the same if he found himself in a similar situation. Right?<br />
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Hey, you might have been a bigger cheater to yourself if you hadn't ****** this guy.

Unfortuantely, there are places here in the US where that IS all you have to do.....

You are so right, Nic. Intense conversations will do it every time. OMG. Every time I have an intense conversation with a woman, she's all over me like a rash!<br />
For a long time I thought it was just my devilish good looks, my irresistible boyish charm and innate modesty. But now I realize that it was the intensity of my conversation that was to blame. <br />
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Take it from me, guys, the only way to be left in peace by marauding hordes of frenzied sex-starved babes, is to play dumb. Just open a beer and grunt with all the incoherency you can muster. It works for me! (lol)

thank you for being honest. I hope you do find which direction you want follow and that your searching can come to an end...