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I'm The Destroyer Of My Own Happiness.

Not too long ago I had just got out of a bad relationship. It was my first love. He cheated on me with over 15 girls. Needless to say, heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I felt, and still feel, and my happily ever after world shattering around me.
I can't seem to not follow in his footsteps now... I've dated a few guys since him. & so far I cheated on all of them. I kinda feel bad about it, but then again I don't. the first guy I dated after the heartbreak was pressuring me for sex, so I slept with someone else. 2 weeks after that I broke it off but never told him why. He doesn't particularly like me now. Go figure.
There were 2 more guys after that, and I cheated on them both with each other. I just wish I could be happy again. I know that if I found happiness I wouldn't cheat. But it's so hard to change how you view things after something so traumatic happens. It changes you. & not always for the best.
I wish I could take more blame for it and get over it. I just keep blaming others. Hell, the 3 guys I cheated on don't even know it. I don't want to tell them because then it's like hurting them all over again.
My ex changed me so much. I can't pretend I'm an innocent little girl anymore who doesn't know any better. I grew up a lot. Being around the stuff I was around made me. It was either grow up, or get hurt(physically). I learned to carry my own. I learned who had my back. I learned how to have people's backs. Now I don't believe in much of anything anymore. I just can't.
I just want to be happy.
It seems like I ruin my own Happiness.
Monroe8620 Monroe8620 18-21, F May 15, 2012

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