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Why Are We Making Our Life Harder?

I am married for nearly 5 years now. We met at work and within few weeks we were leaving together, after 4 month of relationship I felt pregnant and 5 month later we were married. Everything went incredibly fast and not in order like supposed to, but we were happy. Then came daily problems, we lost jobs, moved to different city etc. We were falling apart. I was surfing on internet he was into his playstation. We were getting on our nerves, and trying to avoid our self. Then last year I went for girls holiday and meet somebody. Somebody in my age without problem leaving a life, listening to me etc. That life seems like easy without problems and new. I wanted leave my husband. I didn't want the life what I had. I didn't see nothing there. Then my husband found about the other men. It was horrible to see him hurt. We was talking and decide to give our relationship another chance. I knew that I love him but I knew as well that I wasn't in love with him. I knew that it will take time and a lot of work to make it work. We both tried, and everything was good until we fall back to the same routine. I am not sure why. Then last month I met another person and start flirting with him. I knew that it was wrong but I couldn't stop. I was saying to myself that it's nothing to be worried about, until we kissed and It woke me up. I knew that it's not what I should do. I got email from that person that he really like it and would love to repeat it again. My reply was, that I don't want to it's dangerous what we are doing and I want to concentrate on my marriage. It's stroke my like a lightning. I knew instantly what I want. But that was too little too late. My husband went through my email and found it. Reading that email he could imagine all sorts of things what happen. There was no explanation.
I have hurt him again. Now we spoke about that email and that person. I told him all, but how can he trust me ever again. I betrayed him again!!!
I even don't have explanation why have I done this. I didn't have any reason too do this. I didn't gain anything from it. I didn't want that guy in my life. So why???
Because of my stupidity I ruin our life.
I don't know what to do now. How to repair it, and if it is possible. I am allover the place right now and my husband doesn't want to talk about it. He is completely numb. He cannot say where our marriage is going to.
I know what I want I know that he is the love of my life and maybe I have lost it now, and I know that I deserve every bit of it because I am not sure what I would do if we could switch places.
BeeDeePee BeeDeePee 26-30, F 1 Response Jun 14, 2012

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First of all cheating is horrible, second, what do you have a 5th grade education? It took me 15 minutes to get through your story because the grammar was so horrendous.

Thanks I am not English. It's my second language. Shall I forward to you to check my grammar before posting anything?