Used To Cheat

I used to be a cheater. I used to think it was fun to use guys to get anything I wanted, not because I wanted things but because I got a rush from getting them to do it. I always have had this deep depression, where I felt like nothing was enough. I needed to have everyone love me, that was the only way I would feel important and happy. Nothing happened to me when i was younger (that I know of) that made me start having this obsession with hurting people.

My obsession started when I was fairly young. I was about 14 or 15 years old. I would talk to guys my age, get them interested in me, even if that meant lying. I would then get them to fall head over heels for me and do everything I asked. Every time I did this it made me feel that much more important. That I could manipulate people to love me. It got to the point where I would say these people were my boyfriends and run around behind each of their backs as long as I could until I got caught. If I didn't get caught after awhile I would give them hints, leave stuff around that would make them think I was cheating. Of course cheating when I was that age was merely a kiss or just hanging out with other guys saying we were a couple. I don't know how to describe the feeling I got every time I got caught, but I loved it. I had something to brag about. I could make anyone love me and then hurt them.

When I got to high school it only got more intense. I even went as far to make one of my young teachers fall in love with me. I still never slept with any of these guys but they would do anything they could just to be near me. This is where I started to develop a real addiction. I would do this to countless guys and hurt them, but sometimes I would develop feelings back but I was so addicted to the way I was that I would hurt them anyways. My best friend at the time was the worst, and I still have regret for it. I had been friends with this guy who I considered my best friend because I would tell him everything and we hung out everyday. His biggest mistake was being friends with me then wanting to be more. I cared about him a lot but again I started to date him and then I cheated on him with his best guy friend, waited until his birthday and told him what I had done and broke up with him. He began to trust me again after a few months then about a year later we agreed to date again, I got him to love me, and I broke up with him on his birthday again.
I could not keep a relationship, I couldn't even be friends with the opposite sex because of my addiction to using men.

My senior year of high school I managed to meet a guy that I felt really strong feelings for. You could say he was the first person I ever really loved. I decided I would suppress my addiction and really try to make this relationship work.
I guess it was Karma but he ended up being the person I lost my virginity to and I ended up getting pregnant from it when I was 17 years old. He cheated on me and ran off on me because I was pregnant. I guess I deserved it.

After I had my daughter I ended up having a full ride scholarship to university because of my honours in high school. My parents agreed they would watch my daughter for me while I was in university.

This time I lived in a city alone and I had free range to use my apartment and manipulate as many men I could.
This time I was older, actually had sex with these people, and I started all over again with my addiction.
Keep in mind I didn't do this constantly. It always came in spurts. I wouldn't do it for a few months then something would upset me and make me really depressed and I would start getting men to love me and I would hurt them just to feel better about myself.

Nothing happened to me that was drastic that made me stop this addiction, nor did I have to go though some kinda self rehab. I just kind of grew out of it.
I guess I get my joy now out of something as simple as making a guy think I'm interested in him at a bar, get him to buy me a drink and then I shoot him down. Or I get guys to have crushes on me but it never goes any further then that.

Im now married, I have no urge anymore to cheat on anyone or hurt them. I somehow feel secure with myself enough to not have to look any further to make myself feel loved. Maybe it was because I found the right person to love and he loved me back. Or maybe because I subconsciously got tired of living in a constant lie.

The saying once a cheater always a cheater is wrong. People cheat for many different reasons. I cheated because I felt empty and needed to feel empowered and loved. Others cheat because they are not getting enough love from the person they are with.
I truly believe that if you have the urge to cheat you are not with the right person. If I can overcome an addiction like mine and stay faithful to my husband then anyone can.

Keers Keers
26-30, F
3 Responses Jun 21, 2012

Very interesting and thoughtful story.. Fascinating to read your thoughts on why you did it.. I think you say it all towards the end.. you are now secure and know that you don't need to play games with people to get them to love you and care about you..

Maybe somewhere along the way you learned to love yourself :)

thank you, you have given me such hope, I felt so bad for cheating on a guy I was with, and I messed up his life, and this guilt is inside me, now I've been thrown out and I have nothing, but to know that the obsession went, I don't want to hurt the guy, but now I realise I probably was with the wrong person :)

I can empathize and understand your explanations for cheating. That's good insight. However I seems that there was no fundamental understanding at some point of the hurt you were causing others with your actions. Are you now able to look back with real empathy and put yourself in the shoes of the others and conceptualize the pain? <br />
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This is not meant to be judgemental. I ask because I was troubled by the apparent enjoyment you seem to take in manipulate men's feelings to either buy you drinks or like you and then reject them. That's seems callous and quite selfish. Why do you think that you find enjoyment in that? Truthfully I want to know what your thoughts are.<br />
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I'm curious if your husband knows about your past and why he does or doesn't.<br />
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Honestly I don't know... I know there are somethings that happened to me when I was very very young that I have never told anyone or speak about that may of caused the reason why I got enjoyment out of hurting men. I'm also fairly certain that right before I started doing it, girls and guys used to make fun of me for any reason they could think of. I pretty much just made sure I was always in control of the situation after that and avoided ever being made fun of or hurt again.
I don't really have empathy for people to tell the truth, most people put themselves in their own situations, these guys that I hurt knew what I was like because they seen me do it to others. Why do people always go after someone they can't have? One thing I can say I have always done is told someone from the start they didn't have a chance with me. They wanted to see if they could change my mind so it always turned into a game to me. If that makes me selfish for getting enjoyment out of that then I guess I am.

My husband does know about my past, he actually read this story I posted. Why, because I tell him everything and always have from day one. We have been together for a few years. He asked me to marry him after knowing everything. He has accepted me for who I am past and present.