Used To CheatI used to be a cheater. I used to think it was fun to use guys to get anything I wanted, not because I wanted things but because I got a rush from getting them to do it. I always have had this deep depression, where I felt like nothing was enough. I needed to have everyone love me, that was the only way I would feel important and happy. Nothing happened to me when i was younger (that I know of) that made me start having this obsession with hurting people.
My obsession started when I was fairly young. I was about 14 or 15 years old. I would talk to guys my age, get them interested in me, even if that meant lying. I would then get them to fall head over heels for me and do everything I asked. Every time I did this it made me feel that much more important. That I could manipulate people to love me. It got to the point where I would say these people were my boyfriends and run around behind each of their backs as long as I could until I got caught. If I didn't get caught after awhile I would give them hints, leave stuff around that would make them think I was cheating. Of course cheating when I was that age was merely a kiss or just hanging out with other guys saying we were a couple. I don't know how to describe the feeling I got every time I got caught, but I loved it. I had something to brag about. I could make anyone love me and then hurt them.
When I got to high school it only got more intense. I even went as far to make one of my young teachers fall in love with me. I still never slept with any of these guys but they would do anything they could just to be near me. This is where I started to develop a real addiction. I would do this to countless guys and hurt them, but sometimes I would develop feelings back but I was so addicted to the way I was that I would hurt them anyways. My best friend at the time was the worst, and I still have regret for it. I had been friends with this guy who I considered my best friend because I would tell him everything and we hung out everyday. His biggest mistake was being friends with me then wanting to be more. I cared about him a lot but again I started to date him and then I cheated on him with his best guy friend, waited until his birthday and told him what I had done and broke up with him. He began to trust me again after a few months then about a year later we agreed to date again, I got him to love me, and I broke up with him on his birthday again.
I could not keep a relationship, I couldn't even be friends with the opposite sex because of my addiction to using men.
My senior year of high school I managed to meet a guy that I felt really strong feelings for. You could say he was the first person I ever really loved. I decided I would suppress my addiction and really try to make this relationship work.
I guess it was Karma but he ended up being the person I lost my virginity to and I ended up getting pregnant from it when I was 17 years old. He cheated on me and ran off on me because I was pregnant. I guess I deserved it.
After I had my daughter I ended up having a full ride scholarship to university because of my honours in high school. My parents agreed they would watch my daughter for me while I was in university.
This time I lived in a city alone and I had free range to use my apartment and manipulate as many men I could.
This time I was older, actually had sex with these people, and I started all over again with my addiction.
Keep in mind I didn't do this constantly. It always came in spurts. I wouldn't do it for a few months then something would upset me and make me really depressed and I would start getting men to love me and I would hurt them just to feel better about myself.
Nothing happened to me that was drastic that made me stop this addiction, nor did I have to go though some kinda self rehab. I just kind of grew out of it.
I guess I get my joy now out of something as simple as making a guy think I'm interested in him at a bar, get him to buy me a drink and then I shoot him down. Or I get guys to have crushes on me but it never goes any further then that.
Im now married, I have no urge anymore to cheat on anyone or hurt them. I somehow feel secure with myself enough to not have to look any further to make myself feel loved. Maybe it was because I found the right person to love and he loved me back. Or maybe because I subconsciously got tired of living in a constant lie.
The saying once a cheater always a cheater is wrong. People cheat for many different reasons. I cheated because I felt empty and needed to feel empowered and loved. Others cheat because they are not getting enough love from the person they are with.
I truly believe that if you have the urge to cheat you are not with the right person. If I can overcome an addiction like mine and stay faithful to my husband then anyone can.
Keers 26-30, F 5 Responses 5 Jun 21, 2012