Monster

It started in college. I had a boyfriend named (using fake names) Donald. I met him the summer before I started college and we hung out every single day that summer. I loved him because he was passionate with music (drummer) and he had potential to become something and do a lot of good in the world. He was smart and outgoing and had every good intention in the world for me. I went to college and we agreed upon doing long distance. I talked to him on the phone, texted and skyped. But I later betrayed him when I met a guy named Steve and we had sexual relations with my best friend (********* type thing). Mind you, Steve wasn’t even that attractive! He was stupid and thought too highly of himself. I looked at him as though he was Donald. I had been missing my ex SO much. It’s SO much heart ache to do long-distance! My girlfriend came to college to visit me because she was still in college at the time. It turned out that she told him when she went back home and I broke down and could not forgive myself. He said he’d take me back but I just couldn’t do it. I will forever be living this lie of a double life. But I haven’t even begun what a monster I have been.
  Once I broke up with him, shortly after, I met this other guy named Allen. I completely fell head over heels for him. He was a musician, like my ex, but he played the guitar. He had this way of making me smile and making me feel like the world. I went home that winter break and had a devastating house fire that happened and my mother neglected to tell me about it until she picked me up. I spent that winter break still talking to my boyfriend Allen on skype and texted him all the time. But my ex was there to help me emotionally because I was a complete mess. I still had feelings that never stopped for my ex and I had intercourse with him. I felt awful about it afterwards but I hid it. I pretended it never happened. My college roommate ended up talking to someone who heard my ex spill the beans to. I denied it and claimed she was lying. (she was known as a liar) I had hate text messages sent to me in threats of saying how much of a horrible and terrible person I am and how I shouldn’t talk to him or I’ll be the one hurt or something. I was hurt and scared at the time. I feel in some aspects I was hurting myself more then I was hurting other people. But I went a whole year and a half living that lie and it finally hit him. I tried everything in my power to convince my ex Allen that it never happened but he knew. I swore up and down it didn’t happen and I presently question to myself if I did tell him the truth would he have kept me or forgave me like Donald had? I doubt it. He told me he wouldn’t have forgiven me so I lived a lie. I hated lying. It made me feel like **** lying to him but I selfishly wanted him to be mine and remained faithful til around the end when our relationship was wish-washy. I met this guy who was a douche-bag from the get-go name Paul. He was an artist and AMAZING at painting. I fell for him but knowing I was going through a rough patch in my relationship made me more vulnerable to falling for him. The worst thing was, I didn’t stop it from happening. One thing led to another. I hung out with him A LOT and simply watched him paint or we watched movies. But eventually in about April I had intercourse with him. I kept it a secret and every time I had class with him I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. It was terrible. The lying to my “boyfriend”. But my boyfriend didn’t give me any attention as selfish as it is to say. I tried EVERYTHING but he said it was too serious of a relationship. I gave up on it but didn’t want to be the bad guy and break up with him. He later did it, but I said no to seeing Paul again to myself and over the first few weeks of summer wrote Allen almost every day, facebook messaged him, called him, texted him. He wasn’t much for skyping me, I think he thought it’d be easier if he simply did not talk to me as much. Later that summer I get a text message from him claiming he knew why I had ovarian cysts that were rupturing. He said he knew my ex before him Donald and I were having sexual relations. THIS was not a lie IIIIII made up! I feel like I was being taken for a ride with my feelings for him to see if he could still get a rise out of me. Nasty payback? No idea, but people talking behind my back killed me.
  Later this past summer I talk to my friends boyfriends roommate who is currently in Afganistan. I haven’t met him but still talked to him every day on skype. I sent him this HUGE care package and remained faithful to him until the start of the school year. I still see Paul, but haven’t slept with him. I kissed him back when he kissed me. I consider this cheated. Yes, it is bad. He told my best friend and he has every right to because it happened. My friend, I feel like she hates me right now. But that isn’t what I’m 100% focused on. I want to stop this monster I’ve become. I want to remain faithful. I don’t know if I should tell my boyfriend who is in Afghanistan. I want us to work out. I don’t want to break his heart. I love him, he loves me, and we are emotionally compatible. I feel like this is the perfect opportunity since I am away in college I can focus on my studies more than focus on a relationship while here. It’s perfect but heart-wrenching. I get my hopes up for him to be back to the states and then they get knocked down. I am in MD and he is stationed in Hawaii. He wants to fly me out this xmas. I don’t know what to do. Tell him or not?  I’m sick of living a lie and hurting people, Betraying them.
I question my past for what I presently do. I put myself in positions of getting caught into intimate relationships with more than one person whether it be intimately emotionally or physically. I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused by my stepfather and this went on for years. I see a counselor and am wondering If I should come out about all that happened to me in the past. I briefly went into it, noted it happened, but not WHAT happened. It may be beneficial. I wanted to know if there was anyone on here that could relate to my story or not. I wanted to talk to someone. If they wanted to IM me on skype: happygiraffe01 or email me: sara_chan_620@yahoo.com that would be greatly appreciated.
happygiraffe01 happygiraffe01
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 8, 2012

i agree it was most likely a phase you were going through. i had the same phase met a guy before i went off to college and hung out with him all the time of course we had sex the very first day we met it was the summer i wa a college girl i wanted to enjoy myself i still however continued to enjoy myself while with him more than once it was a "monster" i was in the first semester of college. i have changed since then and him and i are still together but i know he havent completely forgiven me for it and its been a year and our relationship is very different causing it to be no longer enjoyable but i still try......to sum it up you just need to be honest even if he does leave and try to occupy your time to avoid from doing something that might hurt your lover

Well as much as i dont want to say that this is just a phase, it kind of is just that. Years ago I became a sort of "monster" when i fell to easily for girls kind of get into a half *** relationship and play around with other girls. Now i do not know your true emotions but its something that becomes more and more common. The attention and need for the emotional attachment attracts alot of peeps...but remember when you meet your true love you will know. If you truly deeply love someone you wouldn't do anything to hurt them. I know this because I was in a relationship like that...it ended on good terms but there was no lying or deceit. It was a happy time that people should experience. the power of true love, deep love.