What She Never Knew...

I'm not gonna say that the relationship I was initially in was perfect. God knows it had its flaws. I was in one of those annoying on again off again relationships that was great when it was going good and pure hell when it went bad. I was never boyfriend of the year but the one thing that I always held on to was the fact that I had never cheated on my girl before. Given that fact I was optimistic even at our sixth time together. Then about a month into our relationship the sixth time it started going south again. I didn't wanna break up but I was just so frustrated. I called up one of my best friends, who was also a very brief girlfriend before to lift my spirits. Me and my friend hung out in a park and talked not really about my relationship but just about everything in general. Looking back it was foolish of my because I knew both of us still had leftover feelings from our relationship before. Talking to her always put me in a jovial mood. I guess it was that happiness she brought me that urged me to kiss her. She hesitated at first on the principle of the matter, but she eventually gave in to the feeling that overtook me as well. So we kissed, no sex, but still cheating is cheating. After that day me and my friend sought to avoid each other, feeling a guilty over what had transpired. We don't talk anymore.We kept it secret from everyone except those who we trusted the most although there is no guarantee they kept the secret. My girl never found out though. We stayed together, and the worst part is after that day things started going great with us. I mean there was just a passion burning between me and my girl that had seemed died down for a while before. As the months passed we started spending more time together and I felt myself falling more and more in love with her. I guess this should have made me happy, but it just made me more miserable. For now that things seemed to finally be able to pan out, I had this secret slowly eating at my soul. I tried my best to make her feel appreciated and satisfied somehow trying to make up for my mistake. But the feeling never really goes away. After a while I became distant again, due to my own self loathing. One day we got into an argument about why I was being like that. I couldn't bear to tell her what I had done so I chose to break up with her feeling that the appropriate punishment for not appreciating love was to lose it. So I used the fight as an excuse and left things sour between us. Afterwards I tried to convince myself that maybe I was the good guy in all of this. That maybe My girlfriend was the one who pushed me into cheating on her. That maybe my friend was my actual true love. I succeeded in fooling myself for a while. However, now I know weaving this illusion will not help me any. I cheated, that is it , I was wrong,period. My ex came to my college this year. It has been about a year since our break up. When we see each other, we don't smile, we don't frown, we just walk past each other like total strangers. I wish I could tell her that I was so in love with her when we broke up. That my legs buckle at the very sight of her. That I wish we could be celebrating a year together instead of seeing it as a year since we broke up. That I messed up big time through my own fault. But no, here I am a coward too afraid to confess to her my sins and seeing loneliness as my own punishment. Maybe one day things will change...maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell her what she never knew.
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1 Response Nov 3, 2012

wow. Thats a crazy story man. I think you got yourself into a situation that needed to happen and you let it happen, actually made it happen, since you initiated the kiss.
If thats all that happened, then its really not that bad, and maybe things went better after that between you and your girl because you softened up and were a little more humble.
If you still love her, then she deserves to know, but she also deserves to know the complete truth and only until you let her know will you feel completely free to love again. The choice to reunite will be both of yours, but you both have to forgive the wrong doing and let it go. If you are honest with her, your trust can be built on always being upfront, no matter how daunting it may seem. if you dont put yourself out there, then neither of you will really know what can be....good luck