I Cheated, I Regret It (somewhat), And Now What?First off, I will say that I am 110% in the "know" that what I did was wrong. I cheated on my husband, for 3 years with the same man. I fell in love with this man - he filled many voids that my husband could not fill. Now - I don't want to be with either of them. Easy to say farewell to the "lover", but how do I tell my husband this after he's trying to stay with me knowing what I've done?
We started dating when I was 21 - madly in love! Enjoyed each others company, had so much fun together. Then, we moved in together and he would play video games ALL the time (sounds trivial, but it's not!). I was living alone, yet he didn't want me to go out with my friends or have my own life. I was supposed to just be there. He wasn't talking to me or spending time with me, he just wanted a warm body. He'd play his games and then expect us to have sex when he was done and we'd go to bed. I should have left then, but I didn't. Again... MY MISTAKE. We got married, we had 2 children. Then, my father died. This proved to me that this man was not for me. He was not there emotionally as he should have been, he was still playing the stupid games and now not only ignoring me but also our children. Please know, that there were many times (before and after marriage/children) that I tried to end this. He cheated once, with a ******** (ICK!!) at his bachelor party. He promised he would change and would... for 2 months or so. NOW, today, we have 3 children and he knows all about the man I fell in love with. I told him everything - it is all out there. He wants to try and make it works but throws it in my face almost daily. For over a year...
I've cut all ties with the other man, and I want to leave my husband. Maybe this is my being selfish because I don't want to feel guilty every time I look at his face? But I truly believe that I just am not in love with him anymore. I want to love him, I want to grow old with him and be those "perfect grandparents" and watch our family grow together.... but do I stick around for that even if I know that we could both be happier with other people, or even alone?
I am at a loss... How do I, once again hurt a man that I have already destroyed? OR, is it maybe for the best so he can also be rid of what I've done and find someone to love him as he deserves?