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Abusive Relationship/fwb Fell For Him/baby

I feel as confused & lost as the title of my story is. I've been in a relationship w/ this guy(I'll call him A) for about 8 years now. It's always been an unhealthy on & off relationship. He's untrusting. I would visit friends from college & he'll make up these stories in his head of what it is I really am doing & when I get home it's like interragation. (Sorry I'm not the best speller bare w/ me). I remember a time in my life when I was happy, had many friends, now I only can count on one hand & not even a full hand the friends in my life & he'll talk down on them. I don't understand how one can say they love you but the tell you your an idiot, ugly, ****, ***** for those are words of hatred. I feel like he wants me to stay home w/ having no friends & cook & clean & agree w/ everything he says. He wasnt like this at first, it was like as soon as he got me he changed. He doesn't want to do anything w/ me. Why you may wonder why I stay in this verbal abusive relationship, b/c we have a daughter together, she's now 5. I work as an apartment manager, my income is our 2 bdroom apt we live in rent free. Somedays are busier then others. He'll come home & see the kitchen still a mess & say what did u do all day as if handling a job & full time mom was easy. Of course he wouldn't really know b/c of his lack of involvement in the family or being a father. He believes that all he has to do is go to work. He'll come home & unwind in our bedroom change his clothes which nothing is wrong w/ that but come out two hours later to eat w/ us & then it's our daughters bed time. We fight a lot usually it's the same fight b/c we can never solve it I. The first place. It's like I'm not allowed to express my feelings. If I mention anything as to "you hurt me when... I'm interrupted told an idiot & get a **** you as he walks away. I don't want to talk to him to point fingers at what he's doing wrong I just want to communicate so we can work together to make this work. I feel like he doesn't listen it's his way or the high way. I hardly go out b/c it's hard to have fun whe. Ur being texted when r u coming home what are you doing your a ***** etc etc. I met this other guy, we both know him. And I've managed to be able to hang out w/ him & it's probably because I'm so depressed in my own relationship desperate for some attention, laughter anything but being accused of things called every degrading name you could call a woman. I was tried of being accused that I was cheating on him. I wasn't. From everything all the verbal damage I been through the past 7 years I became numb. I had the attitude of hey I'm being accused of cheating when I'm not & he so believes it I might as well make it true. I didn't care anymore. So I hooked up w/ my friend(call him B) we had this off & on FWB for 3 years now. And my opinion and advise on FWB, don't do it, it always ends up bad. I found myself to be pregnant & I knew B was the father however there was a small chance A could have been. I couldn't go through abortion, I have a girl & know how precious life is. So I did the cruelest thing known to do. I made it out as if I knew for sure A was the dad. I had the baby another sweet & beautiful little girl that looks exactly like B. A knew the whole time but it didn't come out until a friend threw me under the bus. Itonically I'm still hear w/ A in the same unhappy relationship, same fights two kids that's he's hardly involved w/ one who he'll say take care of your daughter on a bad day & calls her his own on a good. I don't want to hide the truth from my daughter, I feel like she has the right to know the truth who her biological father is. A told me to leave it as it is that B doesn't want to be a dad, & although he's right I still felt no that's like taking 1/2 my daughters idenity away. I told B & I left it up to him. I choose to have the baby w/o him even being able to discuss it. I'm not planning on collecting child support. I told him that I just want to have a DNA test done so what I already know is proven & be able to contact him for family medical history. My first daughter was born w/ a genetic disorder passed from A & it was tough I didn't want any surprises. I don't want my daughter to hate me later thinking I kept her from him. I was fine if he choose no involvement & if so was planning on asking him to sign over his biological parental rights so that A could legally adopt her if he wanted & continue living in on & off I love u hate u relationship. I met up w/ B & we had a good time like always. Great conversations except this time he was open & we talked more on a personal level. Apart of me feels this magnetic pull towards him like I know we can be great together if he were just to see it. We agreed to a FWB relationship once in awhile. But ended the night I felt we were better friends then before. He had a gf & I know that just as I have my other life. But then it went from deleting me on FB so his gf thinks we aren't talking to blocking me. He said its best to email. I guess our ideas of FWB were different. I asked if he wanted to hang out & he didn't respond I didn't hear from him which was weird so I asked again a couple days later & he rudely said that I'm a bit much he's w/ his lady on vacation. I knew right then that I am just a booty to him, a benefit b/c what the hell kind of frien is that? Maybe I was too pushy in when we going to hang out again, but the idea of having a friend & talking openly was exciting, I haven't had a friend in such a long time. But I'm not going to be a friend when conveniate for him & responded can we just do this DNA test. Now he's avoiding me all together. I'm stuck in what do I do b/c it seems like any decision I already ****** up so bad that its going to end up bad someway. Do I go through the court(I originally said lets do the test private allowing him to keep our daughter a secret) & get a DNA test my daughter had the right to know. This way she will learn when appropriate age that I did leave it up to him & him not being in her life was his choice not mine. But then I'll upset A & he'll get mad saying why I'm pursuing this he is dad wanting to keep it from her, but is that fare. And what if I stop pursuing it & leave it alone w/ no fathers bane on her birth certificate & she finds out later will she hate me for never telling her the truth. Everything I do I do for my two girls & the thought of one possible two hating me for not telling her the truth is the worst heartache I could possible have. I'm currently trying to look for away that I can move out on my own fully supporting myself & kids to get away from this unhealthy relationship w/ A. But would I be destroying the only father figure she had him then rejecting her b/c he's pist I found the strength to leave him. I tried to begone but got sucked right back into it b/c the way he acted as if his life was over. I don't like hurting anyone & put everyone's feelings before my own. I'm so lost in what I do what's best for my children. I think I can't do it alone then think that hearing us fight that has got to do some harm to my girls. Then if I leave I hear A say its all my fault if we didn't work out & I'm the reason why my girls will grow up in a broken family. But then I think I can be such a better mom & person if I wasn't walking on eggshells. But right now w/ A he didn't trust me before so now it's no trust. I don't even bother doing anything I only see family but limited of time b/c I don't want them to see past my plastic mask I put on. My home had become my imprisonment. I tried making it work w/ A but if we get in a dissagreement it's my fault because I was the one who cheated. It's hard moving forward when ur constantly reminded of ur past mistakes. The other week he got physical & hit me in the ear so hard my ear was ringing & left clogged & hearing muffled for days followed. Verbal to physical attacks I often wonder what's next. And I'm so sad I ruined any friendship w/B & wish I could just talk to him. However I've probably gone to annoying him w/ my messages. I secretly hoped he would leave his gf seeing how good we could be. But I know in reality he will only see me as a booty & I'm nothing more to him. I wish he would spend some time w/ his daughter b/c he would be a good dad if he just got to know her he would fall in love w/ her but I robbed any chance of my daughter having a relationship w/ her real dad. I'm not looking for pity or anyone saying that A or B is wrong. I know I did my share of wrongs. I shouldn't have gotten involved w/ B. cheating was my mistake & I'm reminded constantly by our daughter. She has his eyes. However I'm very jealous how B walks away still in his relationship w/ no responsibilities while I have the strain of single mother(I call myself a single mother b/c the little A does I pretty much am) & I'm in now being verbally & physically abused on top of it. But jealously is evil & I'm trying not to be. I'm afraid that I'll be alone & never have that romance & white wedding b/c if single once men learn I have not one but two they'll never think of me in that way. That & having two children & a job I eons have time to meet anyone anyways. But I don't want to feel imprisoned either. But mostly I don't want my daughters to hate me. I'm not asking for advice mostly venting however I'm open to suggestions on what you think is best for me & my girls & once established my plan encouragement & motivation through the steps I'll be taking to get me there. Thanks for letting me vent...
Ariesgirl81 Ariesgirl81 31-35, F Nov 25, 2012

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