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Abusive Relationship/fwb Fell For Him/baby

I feel as confused & lost as the title of my story is. I've been in a relationship w/ this guy(I'll call him A) for about 8 years now. It's always been an unhealthy on & off relationship. He's untrusting. I would visit friends from college & he'll make up these stories in his head of what it is I really am doing & when I get home it's like interragation. (Sorry I'm not the best speller bare w/ me). I remember a time in my life when I was happy, had many friends, now I only can count on one hand & not even a full hand the friends in my life & he'll talk down on them. I don't understand how one can say they love you but the tell you your an idiot, ugly, ****, ***** for those are words of hatred. I feel like he wants me to stay home w/ having no friends & cook & clean & agree w/ everything he says. He wasnt like this at first, it was like as soon as he got me he changed. He doesn't want to do anything w/ me. Why you may wonder why I stay in this verbal abusive relationship, b/c we have a daughter together, she's now 5. I work as an apartment manager, my income is our 2 bdroom apt we live in rent free. Somedays are busier then others. He'll come home & see the kitchen still a mess & say what did u do all day as if handling a job & full time mom was easy. Of course he wouldn't really know b/c of his lack of involvement in the family or being a father. He believes that all he has to do is go to work. He'll come home & unwind in our bedroom change his clothes which nothing is wrong w/ that but come out two hours later to eat w/ us & then it's our daughters bed time. We fight a lot usually it's the same fight b/c we can never solve it I. The first place. It's like I'm not allowed to express my feelings. If I mention anything as to "you hurt me when... I'm interrupted told an idiot & get a **** you as he walks away. I don't want to talk to him to point fingers at what he's doing wrong I just want to communicate so we can work together to make this work. I feel like he doesn't listen it's his way or the high way. I hardly go out b/c it's hard to have fun whe. Ur being texted when r u coming home what are you doing your a ***** etc etc. I met this other guy, we both know him. And I've managed to be able to hang out w/ him & it's probably because I'm so depressed in my own relationship desperate for some attention, laughter anything but being accused of things called every degrading name you could call a woman. I was tried of being accused that I was cheating on him. I wasn't. From everything all the verbal damage I been through the past 7 years I became numb. I had the attitude of hey I'm being accused of cheating when I'm not & he so believes it I might as well make it true. I didn't care anymore. So I hooked up w/ my friend(call him B) we had this off & on FWB for 3 years now. And my opinion and advise on FWB, don't do it, it always ends up bad. I found myself to be pregnant & I knew B was the father however there was a small chance A could have been. I couldn't go through abortion, I have a girl & know how precious life is. So I did the cruelest thing known to do. I made it out as if I knew for sure A was the dad. I had the baby another sweet & beautiful little girl that looks exactly like B. A knew the whole time but it didn't come out until a friend threw me under the bus. Itonically I'm still hear w/ A in the same unhappy relationship, same fights two kids that's he's hardly involved w/ one who he'll say take care of your daughter on a bad day & calls her his own on a good. I don't want to hide the truth from my daughter, I feel like she has the right to know the truth who her biological father is. A told me to leave it as it is that B doesn't want to be a dad, & although he's right I still felt no that's like taking 1/2 my daughters idenity away. I told B & I left it up to him. I choose to have the baby w/o him even being able to discuss it. I'm not planning on collecting child support. I told him that I just want to have a DNA test done so what I already know is proven & be able to contact him for family medical history. My first daughter was born w/ a genetic disorder passed from A & it was tough I didn't want any surprises. I don't want my daughter to hate me later thinking I kept her from him. I was fine if he choose no involvement & if so was planning on asking him to sign over his biological parental rights so that A could legally adopt her if he wanted & continue living in on & off I love u hate u relationship. I met up w/ B & we had a good time like always. Great conversations except this time he was open & we talked more on a personal level. Apart of me feels this magnetic pull towards him like I know we can be great together if he were just to see it. We agreed to a FWB relationship once in awhile. But ended the night I felt we were better friends then before. He had a gf & I know that just as I have my other life. But then it went from deleting me on FB so his gf thinks we aren't talking to blocking me. He said its best to email. I guess our ideas of FWB were different. I asked if he wanted to hang out & he didn't respond I didn't hear from him which was weird so I asked again a couple days later & he rudely said that I'm a bit much he's w/ his lady on vacation. I knew right then that I am just a booty to him, a benefit b/c what the hell kind of frien is that? Maybe I was too pushy in when we going to hang out again, but the idea of having a friend & talking openly was exciting, I haven't had a friend in such a long time. But I'm not going to be a friend when conveniate for him & responded can we just do this DNA test. Now he's avoiding me all together. I'm stuck in what do I do b/c it seems like any decision I already ****** up so bad that its going to end up bad someway. Do I go through the court(I originally said lets do the test private allowing him to keep our daughter a secret) & get a DNA test my daughter had the right to know. This way she will learn when appropriate age that I did leave it up to him & him not being in her life was his choice not mine. But then I'll upset A & he'll get mad saying why I'm pursuing this he is dad wanting to keep it from her, but is that fare. And what if I stop pursuing it & leave it alone w/ no fathers bane on her birth certificate & she finds out later will she hate me for never telling her the truth. Everything I do I do for my two girls & the thought of one possible two hating me for not telling her the truth is the worst heartache I could possible have. I'm currently trying to look for away that I can move out on my own fully supporting myself & kids to get away from this unhealthy relationship w/ A. But would I be destroying the only father figure she had him then rejecting her b/c he's pist I found the strength to leave him. I tried to begone but got sucked right back into it b/c the way he acted as if his life was over. I don't like hurting anyone & put everyone's feelings before my own. I'm so lost in what I do what's best for my children. I think I can't do it alone then think that hearing us fight that has got to do some harm to my girls. Then if I leave I hear A say its all my fault if we didn't work out & I'm the reason why my girls will grow up in a broken family. But then I think I can be such a better mom & person if I wasn't walking on eggshells. But right now w/ A he didn't trust me before so now it's no trust. I don't even bother doing anything I only see family but limited of time b/c I don't want them to see past my plastic mask I put on. My home had become my imprisonment. I tried making it work w/ A but if we get in a dissagreement it's my fault because I was the one who cheated. It's hard moving forward when ur constantly reminded of ur past mistakes. The other week he got physical & hit me in the ear so hard my ear was ringing & left clogged & hearing muffled for days followed. Verbal to physical attacks I often wonder what's next. And I'm so sad I ruined any friendship w/B & wish I could just talk to him. However I've probably gone to annoying him w/ my messages. I secretly hoped he would leave his gf seeing how good we could be. But I know in reality he will only see me as a booty & I'm nothing more to him. I wish he would spend some time w/ his daughter b/c he would be a good dad if he just got to know her he would fall in love w/ her but I robbed any chance of my daughter having a relationship w/ her real dad. I'm not looking for pity or anyone saying that A or B is wrong. I know I did my share of wrongs. I shouldn't have gotten involved w/ B. cheating was my mistake & I'm reminded constantly by our daughter. She has his eyes. However I'm very jealous how B walks away still in his relationship w/ no responsibilities while I have the strain of single mother(I call myself a single mother b/c the little A does I pretty much am) & I'm in now being verbally & physically abused on top of it. But jealously is evil & I'm trying not to be. I'm afraid that I'll be alone & never have that romance & white wedding b/c if single once men learn I have not one but two they'll never think of me in that way. That & having two children & a job I eons have time to meet anyone anyways. But I don't want to feel imprisoned either. But mostly I don't want my daughters to hate me. I'm not asking for advice mostly venting however I'm open to suggestions on what you think is best for me & my girls & once established my plan encouragement & motivation through the steps I'll be taking to get me there. Thanks for letting me vent...
Ariesgirl81 Ariesgirl81 31-35, F 1 Response Nov 25, 2012

Your Response


Do your daughter a favor and allow her to know who her father is. Right now she's young but one day someone will tell her the truth and that someone should be you.

Thank you. I plan to tell her when she's at age she understands. I would want nothing more but for her to know who her father is for she comes from him. I would never stop her from having a relationship w/ him. He however, does not want a relationship w/ her.