I Am A Female Against Monogamy

I feel as though the pressure to be faithful makes people miserable. It's why we have difficulty maintaining monogamous relationships. Think about it, there is no other relationship that you aren't allowed to have any other companions of the same kind. You can have multiple friends, multiple coworkers, you can even have multiple parents if you are close to a step parent or an inlaw. Having just one husband or wife puts ridiculous pressure on the relationship to fill all your needs, and it never will; because no one person can meet all the needs of another. I want the vows and the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids more than anything, I just don't understand why I have to only ever sleep with one person for the rest of my life. Its so stifling. I like male attention and I like it when a new guy finds me attractive or when someone totally different than my significant other is interested in me. I never want these things to last but I just want to enjoy all the fun and then move on. I still love my husband more than anything in the world and being sexually attracted to someone else doesn't diminish that imo. How do I stop having these feelings? Is there a way to be happy with just one man???
confusedandupset confusedandupset
26-30, F
48 Responses Jan 28, 2013

I love your attitude.

I do not think that you should stop having feelings for more than one man (or woman for that matter). As you say no one person can be all things to another all of the time. That is just the way it is, so have a conversation with your husband and spread your wings, but be discrete about it. There are too many individuals out there who would ruin your reputation, given the opportunity.

This is why the wife and I talked and experimented with an open relationship.
Our motivation was strongly sexual and didn't want to cheat so we decided to be totally open and **** whomever we had lust for with no strings and then share stories. This is one way to keep things in perspective.
Your thoughts on this?

No there really isn't any way to just be happy with one man. Nor is there really any way to stay married and be open about this either. Find the man you cannot live without and then every so often have something on the side. Just make sure you go outside your community and social circle. Keep it light and fun, no falling in love or taking stupid risks.

I like men, I like being desired, and I like the power this comes with. In my relationship with my husband I don't want that power. I like him, he is very manly, and I like him desiring me but I don't want the power in our relationship. Our connection is more than that. Sex with him is love.

Sex outside my marriage is power and raw. It's very physical and driven by a narcissistic need.

I entirely agree with you. I told a friend this and she said I must not "love" my partner. So infuriating - don't tell me how I feel. Excitement and lust is a completely different fulfillment than true love and wanting someone to be in your life forever. But atlas, I know I'm in the minority with my thoughts, as I try to shove them into a teeny little societal accepted box.

You should read "sex at dawn" - it gives an evolutionary scientific background to why monogamy is a myth

I tend to agree with you. I don't think we as woman are regarded as highly sexed beings as men are. We are expected to be ,"good girls" and viewed as naturally monogamous beings. Men are told we are and mothers tell us men are cheaters not us. We are also told to desire is sinful and dirty. Think of the damage we cause young girls with all these mixed messages. Conditioning us , molding us from the beginning of time to be woman the world wants us to be. Controlling us by making us believe what isn't true so we don't stray from being good mother, wives, and church goers. Another form of control, " religion" I won't even go on about that tho. It's simple tho,we have to start with our young. Give the girls the idea that we Are free . That means in all sense of the word, no one man will have your body, your soul, and your mind. We are complex and sharing how to have healthy sexual relationships will result in a common thought among woman. It took a long time to groom woman into thinking we are monogamous beings by nature. It will also take a long time to reverse the deep seeded ideals and morals of our society. These things are built in to us, among so many other contradicting standards woman are told to uphold. Be our martyr and have many female children for us so they may start a female revolution!

Most people aren't monogamous, they follow serial monogamy. They stay with only one person for a period of time, then move on to a different person for a period of time. It's ridiculous. I'm in the closet (on many things) because I'm so socially uncomfortable being myself.

Will you add me want to talk about our cheating and atheist beliefs!

Ur comment made me lol so hard I almost woke my husband up. If anyone wants to add me on always down to bash monogamy and Christianity! Lol.

Truth is, I agree with you. Even though our society frowns on it, it was not always this way.
I too think having sex with another person is natural and exciting. If anything, I think it would make your sex life with your partner even better - gets rid of the staleness and the boredom.
Your husband should be pleased that other men find your sexually desirable.

Look into Polyamory, It may be for you.

I agree with you. In the past I wanted to just mess around with guys, no strings attached, but they always get emotionally involved and ended up getting mad at me over something like not responding to a text or phone call. So while I do not think we are meant to be monogamous, I also don't think it is possible to be polygamous with out people getting butt hurt.

Maybe youre right.. But I dont agree with you. Some people are too insecure for a sort of open relationship type thing... I know I am.
But its not wrong to want male attention, or to want to feel attractive, and I dont think there is anything wrong with your line of thinking.
Id have suggested not settling down if you couldnt handle the commitment of settling down, but I dont know if I entirely agree with my own advice.

i feel the same way. when my fiancee isn't showing me enough attention especially. and when there are several attractive and intelligent men who obviously would love to be sleeping with me.

1. Marriage was created with more in mind than sexual gratification. Male-female relationships have a bigger impact on one's well being beyond sex. Marriage is a social contract that allows people to indulge these natural urges without creating other problems in society or creating other spiritual/psychological/health problems for individuals and nations. Marriage is also a spiritual test that if approached correctly will uplift you. Monogamy included. But how many people in American culture have been through a rite of passage program to learn to be adults, and to prepare them to function in a long term male/female relationship as a member of society? Very few compared to traditional cultures that are now throwing away their strengths in order to become more like us.

In a nutshell: Use metaphors to introduce to your husband the things that you like - confirm what he does well in bed and outside of bed (men thrive on unconditional respect from their mates!) nurture his desire to please you and see where it leads. He may be able to experiment with you to accomodate your desires. If not, then try your options. But sex and monogamy are not the same topics!

I can appreciate your opinion. I have disagreed with other members of other groups in what I thought was just giving another perspective like you have here just to be insulted and ridiculed as if I was a 'troll.' That word is really over used. I just quit commenting in the group.

oh i know how you feel, my wife likes the attention, and she is very attractive, i myself cheat very rarely, but away from home, so in mind she made a comment about a trio ,that it's all for fun, i'm thinking on it, i do like when men and women look at my wife, it's a nice turn on, , ,
i guess things are more common now than before, comment to your partner. hope it goes well.

Does your husband know about this??

I should have laughed, but I couldn't help it.

Talk to your husband, he might like you to be yourself. Information about yourself gives him freedom. Freedom to choose. Be yourself and hope he loves you Even more for it.

As long as there is no double standard I wish the best for you and that you can find a like minded individual. I didn't settle for relationships until I was older so it was hard for me, but I was ready to do it.

First of all i want to thank Alison for the post she made on how dr khakani helped her in bringing back her lover before christmas.At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted dr khakani and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely without him,So i told him if he has helped anyone called Alison and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before christmas.i said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved.He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover Scott voice.i was so happy he was begging me on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car saying this is my christmas gift i was so happy and made me had access to his account to prove to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady,Am so happy today and am also thanking Alison for posting this early.Dr khakani you are truly a man of your word.Friends you can contact dr khakani on his private khakanibestsolutioncentre12@gmail .com or cell number +2348062216903.
Name: nancy jones

To the individual who stated monigamy is "natural" I have a simple question. If monogamy is natural can you explain why when men ********* they eject 3 types of *****,blocker *****,killer ***** and fertilization *****?
To Confusedandupset: Your husbands jealousy seems to be the root of most of your delima.He uses it to control you whether intentionally or unintentionally.
Jealousy is a form of insecurity and is damaging to any type of relationship.He needs to work on his issues which are harming ya'lls relationship.You stated he is trying to work on this aspect which shows a willingness on his part to work on the relationship.You and he need to discuss what you can do to help him and reassure him that what you wear does not in any way reflect to the outside world what is deep within your heart for him.Understand fear is what motivates his actions and causes him to act controlling twards you.You need to let him know in a non threatening way how his actions are affecting you.A woman needs a night out with the girls just as a guy needs the same.
Sounds like you have a good man and he has a good woman.Ya'll just need to find a middle ground before ya'll relationship is ireprably damaged.I wish you both well.

I agree with you but up to a point. Being with many partners is a lifestyle choice not many think is open, but it is. My girlfriend is very open to my womanizing, I flirt with many women but that is that all. Sure I have wanted to sleep with women and have had a few opportunities but my personal view about sex is it being the physical bond next to the emotional one we call love. Sex with a person you love goes far beyond the hour of physical pleasure, you feel much closer to that person and connected on a much deeper level and at the end of the day that is what i want, something that lasts. If I want physical pleasure I can easily jerk off or smoke a blunt and feel pleasure better than sex. We are only human and do enjoy sex for the pure physical pleasure but as a man my requirements for good sex aren't much(except the times when I have to scratch my sadistic side by torturing my girlfriend and not the kid stuff in 50 Shades). Sex isn't everything and if it is the only connection you have to a person the bond isn't very strong. Hope you find the lifestyle perfect for you, best wishes!

This was so perfectly said !!!

tel me l can teach u

You know I jumped in the bed with a few men.
Sex gets better and better when you know more about them.
Life is more than sex .
Being in love is better than sex. Plus you get the benefits too.
I like knowing that I am not going to get that std that some one else has.
Getting knocked up becomes a future plan , not a worry.
Read my confessions and stories marymarthazetta

Marriage itself, is a commitment of your whole being to one other, because no one else could ever make you feel the way they do. People misinterpret it as overrated and call it a waste these days because not many people today have patience, trust and loyalty anymore, Im not saying you dont and I see your point of wanting to feel needed and watched and thought of from other men, thats fine, but dont be with someone if youre going to act on your urges to hook up with every hot piece of ***, accept the fact that you signed up for marriage. Deal with it. Besides, Who said you're not allowed to fantasize and flirt.. Everyone should. People need to understand how they really feel before they sign that license and I think there should be a class on Marriage that way there wouldnt be a 60% divorce rate and People who really deserve to be married can enjoy it, alone together, forever without anyone saying it was pointless for them to marry =) Hope yours lasts forever

I have gone from monogamous to polygamous to monogamous. I know the spectrum pretty well. It's all about whatever works for you personally. And if your urge to be poly amorous is upsetting you because it's being stifled, then my advice is to find someone who can still love and respect you whilst being open. It's not impossible to find the same meaningful connections with someone who has multiple love interests/partners. It does require a lot of maturity and confidence, no one needs negative energy and jealousy

I don't think being with one person for the rest of your life is a bad thing. I like it. its stable and I know him so well. I cant imagine being with anybody but him. hes my life

I dont why people get married in the first place. most of the high divorce rate cause is behind religious beliefs or cash and material issues. in other words they cheat and fight over money. last year ny state made 240 million off of passing same sex marriage for that year. isnt it all about the money and raising kids.for a good life? what about when monica sucked clintons ****? who gives a **** what the presidential **** wants to do? maybe his wfie and first daughter did but did they matter? does he give a **** if you suck another dudes ****? i met a lady on ep that wants to suck a dogs **** on film. do what you wanna do i guess. like i said i dont know why people get married in the first place.

A lot of people on here are saying how much the disagree with me. I guess what I am asking of the non cheaters in the thread is, what advice do you have to resist temptation?

have your way with yourself (multiple times) before you go to a situation where other men will be around. It should help a lot.

C an Upset,
I have often wondered if many of todays "marital-problems" are really people who have the same feelings as you...but are displacing them, never letting them be accurately stated.
If so, you are doing yourself a big favor by putting this out now...before you have children and wind-up a divorced bitter ex who has to explain this societal BS to her children.
Kudos to you for being honest enough to state these feelings first...and
I hope someone you love is aware of it!

You make a great deal of sense!

I got married to be with one person. However, after 28yrs of a sexless marriage, I no longer have the same feelings. I love my wife and want to be around her, but I am going to stray soon. I think if I had lovers on the side, that would help me be sexually satisfied. When we go out to a pub or club, I enjoy women's attention, attention I don't receive at home.
For me, sex is the glue that helps keep the marriage together. It's part of the foundation, and without sex, the foundation weakens.

Great posting....it gives food for thought....
Personally, I have not cheated...I can`t say the thought hasn`t entered my mind, though....
I sometimes wonder if humans are NOT meant to be with one person forever...I feel we`re simply not wired that way...(of course, some are more than happy with that notion....don`t get me wrong...and that's good for them)
But I don`t expect my husband to fulfill all my needs and desires....it`s unreasonable to think he could do that...but I DO expect him to WANT to fulfill them all....
When/if the day comes that he doesn`t want to do this, then we will have a problem....

Kudos to you for speaking the words out loud....that takes guts....

I wish you all that you desire :D

Amen! I am like you. I agree with Silent Waterfall, too tho.

To each his/her own! :)

you are not alone.
if i would have just listened to my exwife, she was exactly the same as you. she liked our marriage, but couldn't stop thinking about her ex boyfriend after we got married, how much she loved sex with him. she hinted, and tried throwing hints, but i never listened. i know she slept with him while we were married. i just wanted her happy. it turned me on too. she said he was very well endowed, and very potent (which turned me on too ) (the fear of her getting pregnant by him) and she even wanted me to meet with them, and be there with them, to watch and learn. i guess at the time, i was offended, and asked for divorce. sure do soooo wish i would have done as she wished, and been her cuckold. i know now it's what she wanted. now, i want it too. i'm so looking for another hot wife, or cuckold relationship. ( i kow you weren't refering to that at all.) just had to spill my thoughts. sorry. but i guess all i'm saying is a lot of women are just like you.she was a very sexy, pretty lady, with a very nice body. very normal. but why shouldn't she have someone else to make her feel good, and fullfill her fantasies,besides her husband. i think we will see more marriages going this way soon.my next marriage will surely will have this option in it for her to enjoy. thanks good luck.

If a person values monogamy and just being with one person than yes a person can just be happy with one man or one woman. But if a person values having a lot of sexual partners or other intimate partners rather than just one than no you won't be happy with just one person. And I totally agree with you everyone has different needs.

I am a monogamist, I don't feel the pressure of just being with one person and being faithful to one person. I dont expect my partner to fulfil all my needs but sexually he does, emotionally he does fulfil it but there are some things that my friends especially my girlfriends are better at fulfilling! that's why I have my girlfriends for that!

But no that is not the case for everyone. I don't pass judgement on others who want to have many partners, to me if it makes them happy good for them. I have known couples who are in open relationships sexual and other intimate and for these couples it works for them. I think the only way for people to be happy together is if they have common values and common goals. Same things whether you should have children or not, what you like in bed or not, what is acceptable in your relationship or not. In my opinion, I'm just saying if people's values are different I don't really see it working out in the long term. And I think some people are better off in an open polygamous relationship rather than in a monogamous one where they will hurt the other person.
Questions you may like to ask yourself is
What are your values?
What are your husband's values?
What would you like to happen in your life?

One size doesn't fit all. Everything is good. Do what you will to be happy. Feel no shame. Affect no others happiness negatively. May the living of all your lives cause the world to be a better place. See only positives.

There is room for a little debauchery in all our lives. Ah debauchery; that heady spice.

i agree with you, but i do also agree that your husband is a special person, different from others. i don't believe in monogamy, and i don't think humans can be monogamous. for one, if you look at all the "i live in a sexless marriage" groups, it's easy to surmise that people equate sex to marriage, and if there is no sex, that there is something intrinsically wrong with the marriage. i don't know that this is true; if things are wonderful and loving, but the sex is incompatible, then why is it bad to get sex from others? people already get emotional and mental intimacy from others in the form of friends ... on the other hand, sex is fraught with emotions and responsibilities, so it's not quite the same as other things. in general, if your husband and you agree, then there is nothing wrong with being polyamorous, as long as the really important barriers and lines are observed. it's complicated, and yet liberating for some, and thus worth achieving!

I have a similar view after reading so many stories on EP about marriages without s3x, but all else seems to be okay or fine. Marriage is not just s3x only, so many other things make up a marriage and if one item is lacking then nothing wrong in finding it outside of marriage. But need to tread with care as if not done carefully and discreetly can lead to other complications.

honesty is the key, for sure -- and mutual understanding / agreement on some level that works for each partner. one partner may silently consent but not want to know or discuss. remember the movie "what's the worst that can happen"? devito's wife had a mantra any time he was caught cheating on her, 'sex and scandal!"

Yes to your last question. How, there are so many directions we can go with that question but as several people have already pointed out the first issue to be addressed is the jealousy factor of your husband. Everyone is correct that clearly needs to be worked out. My question to you is exactly what do you want it to be like, what is your design on things?

you want an approval..but there isn't any coming:))

Umm lets see... where do I start...

First of all, your comparing apple to oranges when you compare your husband to friends, co-workers, etc. If you two are together for all the right reasons then there should not be anyone else in the world that you could possibly love more. Likewise, there shouldn't be anyone else in his world that he loves more than you. Though you may love and care for other people in your life, your husband should be at the top of your list and you his.

Secondly, this desire that you have to be able to have casual sex with random guys, whom are simply infatuated with you nonetheless, will only keep your mind superficial. These men couldn't care any less about you while to your husband, you are the most wanted and needed thing in his world (hopefully). There are far more important things in life- that is, our interaction with others. Do not reduce such interactions as being simply about sex. Nor should you be flattered when a man looks at you so one-dimensionally as if your only purpose in life was to provide him with a means of pleasure.

Lastly (I guess), society is full of ****. Though this "image" of a monogamy does indeed exist and is what we are indoctrinated to expect as being normal. We are also vastly more indoctrinated to self victimized ourselves and live as vainly and narrow minded as possible. Moreover, because of this, monogamous relationships are extremely rare. Not because of sex, but rather because how we view our interactions with others is becoming more and more shallow.

Society puts up a lot of "images" for people to consider normal. However, behind closed doors, all bets are usually off more times than not to the true purpose behind society's intentions. Btw, congratulations for actually going against the "image" and posting what a lot of people already feel anyway. That must count for something I guess.

So, who do you want to be? A continuation of this vain world? Or maybe, something a little more meaningful and robust?

I want to be who I am. Nothing more, nothing less. Who I am and what I like and need are not statements to the world or about the world. I don't "reduce interactions to being simply about sex" because I don't think something being about sex is a reduction compared to other interactions nor do I think it is simple. The difference between the way you think and the way I think is that I don't think it is a bad thing to say sometimes sex is just about sex and attraction and there isn't anything wrong with that. Furthermore, speaking of superficial and vain, you assume that if someone has sex just for sex that defines them as a person? Talk about a superficial judgement.

Well no. I will admit though that I got a little carried away. I actually don't think sex is a big deal at all, BUT! that is only if you know that person for being more than that encounter. Having sex with another human being for no purpose other than having sex is rather demoralizing. Also, please do not twist my words by saying stuff like this "you assume that if someone has sex just for sex that defines them as a person". I can have sex with a good friend of mine just for sex no problem! The problem is when I start diluting myself with the desire to have sex with a woman that I do not even know while also acting on that desire. In that case, then yes! I would completely judge a person on that instance alone as I can only image how vain there outlook on various other facets of life are.

I shall stop here as I am probably making your blood boil. Lol. I shall never share my words with you again. I do apologize for upsetting you though as it was not my intent.

I think being happy with just one requires compromise. Lots of it.

Congratulations on generating so much discussion with your first story here.

Conditions. Societal conditions and personal conditions ... THOSE are why you are stifled. Some of it is forced upon us and some of it is of our own choosing ... "I never want these things to last."

I find it not only almost 'logical' or 'natural' to want to have sex with other people, I know that I am able to have love for other people. Each of these loves is unique in its own right. Like goodlittlegirl has pointed out we can have intense yet different love for each of our children - or our brothers, sisters and parents. One needn't diminish the other.

Perhaps you'll find some peace with yourself and your decisions in the newest group you've joined. I am not atheist, but I am not a believer either. I don't need to know. But I live more comfortably as a hedonist since tossing the mores and bondage of religion away.

The old monogamy thing worked back when men were the "hunter/gatherers" and the woman was stuck in the house to maintain it. The dependency on each other is not there any more, however the prudes that control our Victorian society have not crawled out of there dens yet. So it is going to take some people like you to stand up and say "new rules".

I've had one open marriage and known several that lived the life style. I can tell you that it can get much more complicated than traditional marriage. It takes a lot of trust and communication and I've only seen a few that worked really well without jealousy and insecurities getting in the way. It is possible, but it too has it's challenges.

As far as being attracted to other people, I think that is quite normal. It's just a matter of whether you choose to keep it fantasy or act on it. No judgement here, because I am also married and find myself at times more attracted to others.

I can't imagine how complicated an open marriage must be, I'm not sure if it would be any better than a traditional one or not.

"I've only seen a few that worked really well without jealousy and insecurities getting in the way"

Perfect description(in my world) of any type of marriage - open or elsewise. =)

True hlpflwthat, jealousy and insecurities can ruin any relationship.

An open marriage is not complicated unless you wish to make it so.

My first marriage was not even remotely open and ended in divorce after 12 years -- unfaithfulness was not the cause.

My second and current marriage (20 years now) is open (I have sex with female friends, my wife has sex with her sex-friend, and we have enjoyed both MFM and MFF **********. We are still totally in love with each other and enjoy each other's company far more than that of anyone else. We are best friends, best confidants, best advisors, best lovers, best sex partners for each other.

For an open marriage to work, each partner has to be completely happy with it, has to eliminate the concept of jealousy and insecurity, and has to consider the partner as the most important person in the world.

1 More Response

There are plenty of people that feel the same way. Look at the swinger sites on the net. It's pretty amazing how active they are and how many members they have.

The only problem occurs if you marry someone that doesn't share your feelings on the topic. Then trouble ensues...

Have you brought this up to your husband? I feel like having an open and honest conversation would be beneficial. He may feel the same way, or he may become weary. But you both can go through this journey together. Make sure you let him know that you WANT and WILL be by his side. Also, I see you have decided that YOU would like to sleep with other people, but how do you feel about HIM doing the same? Does that change your mind?

I think I would be okay with him doing it as well, with rules and limits. The problem is, he is SUPER jealous. He gets mad if I go to the beach without him and tries to limit me from wearing certain outfits because guys will check me out...I don't really mind that much but I feel like I need some outside attention. bottom line I could never bring this up to him, he considers it cheating if I talk on the phone to another man that isn't someone he knows.

Hmmm... it sounds like the reason you are feeling this way may be due to his insecure behavior. Maybe if you felt you had more freedom, you wouldn't feel the need to seek attention elsewhere. Try working with him on some of his jealousy issues. They need to be addressed 100% before you both can successfully have sexual relationships with others. LIKE %100!!!!!!!!!!!