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I Am A Female Against Monogamy

I feel as though the pressure to be faithful makes people miserable. It's why we have difficulty maintaining monogamous relationships. Think about it, there is no other relationship that you aren't allowed to have any other companions of the same kind. You can have multiple friends, multiple coworkers, you can even have multiple parents if you are close to a step parent or an inlaw. Having just one husband or wife puts ridiculous pressure on the relationship to fill all your needs, and it never will; because no one person can meet all the needs of another. I want the vows and the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids more than anything, I just don't understand why I have to only ever sleep with one person for the rest of my life. Its so stifling. I like male attention and I like it when a new guy finds me attractive or when someone totally different than my significant other is interested in me. I never want these things to last but I just want to enjoy all the fun and then move on. I still love my husband more than anything in the world and being sexually attracted to someone else doesn't diminish that imo. How do I stop having these feelings? Is there a way to be happy with just one man???
confusedandupset confusedandupset 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 28, 2013

Your Response


I do not think that you should stop having feelings for more than one man (or woman for that matter). As you say no one person can be all things to another all of the time. That is just the way it is, so have a conversation with your husband and spread your wings, but be discrete about it. There are too many individuals out there who would ruin your reputation, given the opportunity.

This is why the wife and I talked and experimented with an open relationship.
Our motivation was strongly sexual and didn't want to cheat so we decided to be totally open and **** whomever we had lust for with no strings and then share stories. This is one way to keep things in perspective.
Your thoughts on this?

No there really isn't any way to just be happy with one man. Nor is there really any way to stay married and be open about this either. Find the man you cannot live without and then every so often have something on the side. Just make sure you go outside your community and social circle. Keep it light and fun, no falling in love or taking stupid risks.

I like men, I like being desired, and I like the power this comes with. In my relationship with my husband I don't want that power. I like him, he is very manly, and I like him desiring me but I don't want the power in our relationship. Our connection is more than that. Sex with him is love.

Sex outside my marriage is power and raw. It's very physical and driven by a narcissistic need.

I entirely agree with you. I told a friend this and she said I must not "love" my partner. So infuriating - don't tell me how I feel. Excitement and lust is a completely different fulfillment than true love and wanting someone to be in your life forever. But atlas, I know I'm in the minority with my thoughts, as I try to shove them into a teeny little societal accepted box.

im with you pink my lady and i totally agree with each other ,,love and lust are to separate things ,, she doesnt even really lust the other guy she has and will have sex with again , it feels good ... but she lusts and loves me

instead of confused and upset ,,, how about realist and free,, i agree with you and i dont think i am not a bad person ,, and either is my lady

You should read "sex at dawn" - it gives an evolutionary scientific background to why monogamy is a myth

The bible is invented Jewish pseudo-history(thus writing out the Israelites) and nothing more. There is not a divine word in it. Only mentally disturbed people believe in God - created in the image of man (making me God).

I wonder what dreammer is doing on this site if his life and monogamy is so wonderful ? thats right the intellectual stimulation ,, I wonder if his wife knows he is on this site and what else he looks for on here ? hypocrite comes to mind ?

I tend to agree with you. I don't think we as woman are regarded as highly sexed beings as men are. We are expected to be ,"good girls" and viewed as naturally monogamous beings. Men are told we are and mothers tell us men are cheaters not us. We are also told to desire is sinful and dirty. Think of the damage we cause young girls with all these mixed messages. Conditioning us , molding us from the beginning of time to be woman the world wants us to be. Controlling us by making us believe what isn't true so we don't stray from being good mother, wives, and church goers. Another form of control, " religion" I won't even go on about that tho. It's simple tho,we have to start with our young. Give the girls the idea that we Are free . That means in all sense of the word, no one man will have your body, your soul, and your mind. We are complex and sharing how to have healthy sexual relationships will result in a common thought among woman. It took a long time to groom woman into thinking we are monogamous beings by nature. It will also take a long time to reverse the deep seeded ideals and morals of our society. These things are built in to us, among so many other contradicting standards woman are told to uphold. Be our martyr and have many female children for us so they may start a female revolution!

Most people aren't monogamous, they follow serial monogamy. They stay with only one person for a period of time, then move on to a different person for a period of time. It's ridiculous. I'm in the closet (on many things) because I'm so socially uncomfortable being myself.

Will you add me want to talk about our cheating and atheist beliefs!

Ur comment made me lol so hard I almost woke my husband up. If anyone wants to add me on always down to bash monogamy and Christianity! Lol.

Truth is, I agree with you. Even though our society frowns on it, it was not always this way.
I too think having sex with another person is natural and exciting. If anything, I think it would make your sex life with your partner even better - gets rid of the staleness and the boredom.
Your husband should be pleased that other men find your sexually desirable.

fine but illusion

Look into Polyamory, It may be for you.

I agree with you. In the past I wanted to just mess around with guys, no strings attached, but they always get emotionally involved and ended up getting mad at me over something like not responding to a text or phone call. So while I do not think we are meant to be monogamous, I also don't think it is possible to be polygamous with out people getting butt hurt.

Maybe youre right.. But I dont agree with you. Some people are too insecure for a sort of open relationship type thing... I know I am.
But its not wrong to want male attention, or to want to feel attractive, and I dont think there is anything wrong with your line of thinking.
Id have suggested not settling down if you couldnt handle the commitment of settling down, but I dont know if I entirely agree with my own advice.

i feel the same way. when my fiancee isn't showing me enough attention especially. and when there are several attractive and intelligent men who obviously would love to be sleeping with me.

1. Marriage was created with more in mind than sexual gratification. Male-female relationships have a bigger impact on one's well being beyond sex. Marriage is a social contract that allows people to indulge these natural urges without creating other problems in society or creating other spiritual/psychological/health problems for individuals and nations. Marriage is also a spiritual test that if approached correctly will uplift you. Monogamy included. But how many people in American culture have been through a rite of passage program to learn to be adults, and to prepare them to function in a long term male/female relationship as a member of society? Very few compared to traditional cultures that are now throwing away their strengths in order to become more like us.

In a nutshell: Use metaphors to introduce to your husband the things that you like - confirm what he does well in bed and outside of bed (men thrive on unconditional respect from their mates!) nurture his desire to please you and see where it leads. He may be able to experiment with you to accomodate your desires. If not, then try your options. But sex and monogamy are not the same topics!

I can appreciate your opinion. I have disagreed with other members of other groups in what I thought was just giving another perspective like you have here just to be insulted and ridiculed as if I was a 'troll.' That word is really over used. I just quit commenting in the group.

oh i know how you feel, my wife likes the attention, and she is very attractive, i myself cheat very rarely, but away from home, so in mind she made a comment about a trio ,that it's all for fun, i'm thinking on it, i do like when men and women look at my wife, it's a nice turn on, , ,
i guess things are more common now than before, comment to your partner. hope it goes well.

Does your husband know about this??

I should have laughed, but I couldn't help it.

Talk to your husband, he might like you to be yourself. Information about yourself gives him freedom. Freedom to choose. Be yourself and hope he loves you Even more for it.

<p>&nbsp;<p>If you struggle with monogamy, how do you think Catholic Priests feel? Nothing but a good hand and the occasional choirboy? So, just accept monogamy is an unnatural imposition by mentally ****** up wierdos and god-botherers, and go shag yourself meaningfully silly.</p><p></p>

As long as there is no double standard I wish the best for you and that you can find a like minded individual. I didn't settle for relationships until I was older so it was hard for me, but I was ready to do it.

First of all i want to thank Alison for the post she made on how dr khakani helped her in bringing back her lover before christmas.At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted dr khakani and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely without him,So i told him if he has helped anyone called Alison and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before christmas.i said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved.He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover Scott voice.i was so happy he was begging me on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car saying this is my christmas gift i was so happy and made me had access to his account to prove to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady,Am so happy today and am also thanking Alison for posting this early.Dr khakani you are truly a man of your word.Friends you can contact dr khakani on his private khakanibestsolutioncentre12@gmail .com or cell number +2348062216903.
Name: nancy jones

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To the individual who stated monigamy is "natural" I have a simple question. If monogamy is natural can you explain why when men ********* they eject 3 types of *****,blocker *****,killer ***** and fertilization *****?
To Confusedandupset: Your husbands jealousy seems to be the root of most of your delima.He uses it to control you whether intentionally or unintentionally.
Jealousy is a form of insecurity and is damaging to any type of relationship.He needs to work on his issues which are harming ya'lls relationship.You stated he is trying to work on this aspect which shows a willingness on his part to work on the relationship.You and he need to discuss what you can do to help him and reassure him that what you wear does not in any way reflect to the outside world what is deep within your heart for him.Understand fear is what motivates his actions and causes him to act controlling twards you.You need to let him know in a non threatening way how his actions are affecting you.A woman needs a night out with the girls just as a guy needs the same.
Sounds like you have a good man and he has a good woman.Ya'll just need to find a middle ground before ya'll relationship is ireprably damaged.I wish you both well.

I agree with you but up to a point. Being with many partners is a lifestyle choice not many think is open, but it is. My girlfriend is very open to my womanizing, I flirt with many women but that is that all. Sure I have wanted to sleep with women and have had a few opportunities but my personal view about sex is it being the physical bond next to the emotional one we call love. Sex with a person you love goes far beyond the hour of physical pleasure, you feel much closer to that person and connected on a much deeper level and at the end of the day that is what i want, something that lasts. If I want physical pleasure I can easily jerk off or smoke a blunt and feel pleasure better than sex. We are only human and do enjoy sex for the pure physical pleasure but as a man my requirements for good sex aren't much(except the times when I have to scratch my sadistic side by torturing my girlfriend and not the kid stuff in 50 Shades). Sex isn't everything and if it is the only connection you have to a person the bond isn't very strong. Hope you find the lifestyle perfect for you, best wishes!

This was so perfectly said !!!

tel me l can teach u

You know I jumped in the bed with a few men.
Sex gets better and better when you know more about them.
Life is more than sex .
Being in love is better than sex. Plus you get the benefits too.
I like knowing that I am not going to get that std that some one else has.
Getting knocked up becomes a future plan , not a worry.
Read my confessions and stories marymarthazetta

Marriage itself, is a commitment of your whole being to one other, because no one else could ever make you feel the way they do. People misinterpret it as overrated and call it a waste these days because not many people today have patience, trust and loyalty anymore, Im not saying you dont and I see your point of wanting to feel needed and watched and thought of from other men, thats fine, but dont be with someone if youre going to act on your urges to hook up with every hot piece of ***, accept the fact that you signed up for marriage. Deal with it. Besides, Who said you're not allowed to fantasize and flirt.. Everyone should. People need to understand how they really feel before they sign that license and I think there should be a class on Marriage that way there wouldnt be a 60% divorce rate and People who really deserve to be married can enjoy it, alone together, forever without anyone saying it was pointless for them to marry =) Hope yours lasts forever

You totally rock, you have written exactly what I wanted to say. I have been married 20 years, have never cheated. I love my husband, I love attention from all men I meet. I so want to have a few friends with benefits, just for the change. 20 years is a long time to be with 1 man. I haven't yet done anything. I may not, for now I just flirt, enjoy the attention and go home very turned on and my husband benefits. He knows I'm a flirt, I always have been.

To me sex is sex, love is different. I too would like to know how to just be happy with the man I have and not desire all the others in the world......

I have gone from monogamous to polygamous to monogamous. I know the spectrum pretty well. It's all about whatever works for you personally. And if your urge to be poly amorous is upsetting you because it's being stifled, then my advice is to find someone who can still love and respect you whilst being open. It's not impossible to find the same meaningful connections with someone who has multiple love interests/partners. It does require a lot of maturity and confidence, no one needs negative energy and jealousy