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I Cheated, I Got Caught, I'M Sorry, I'M Moving On

Several years ago, I had an affair and I have spent this entire time saying Im Sorry. I am married to a wonderful woman who took me back and I spend a considerable amount of time just trying to win her back and make her happy and so far I believe I have. Even though I am the bad guy here and she is the victim, I am getting tired of having the affair thrown in my face and used as a weapon each and every time she wants something. I'm getting sick of the fighting and I wont do it anymore. I know there are people out there who are going to just tell me i deserve it and she should leave me and there probably right, but I can't put the jeeny back in the bottle no matter how depressed and sick about what Ive done I get. dont get me wrong i desperately want to get things back to normal, but it is hard
Biggerbrother Biggerbrother 41-45, M 11 Responses Apr 23, 2013

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I would see if she wants to seek counseling. If that doesn't work, I would take her out for a nice dinner, try to have a good time and then explain that you are tired of getting browbeat with a mistake, tell her you have tried to make it up but the continual tossing of it back to the surface is driving you nuts and if she can't get over it, maybe it is time to move on.

Ok to put it bluntly, I believe she should leave as I don't believe it will ever be normal ever again.

She does not seem to be able to move on and I don't blame her for that, the pains of betrayals are beyond words.

But it is clear that she might have said "I forgive you" a bit too quickly and and actually has not.
She may need time on her own to sort out how she really feels about you.

Honest communication is the key. If she is unable to let it go then you have to decide if you can live with your affair thrown at you. We all make mistakes, most affairs are the result of issue that existed in the marriage prior.

You alone have to decide if you can live this way or if she can ever really put it behind her.

Good Luck!!

Jus want to say thank you for all your responses. It helps.

Difficult times can bring out the worst in us...but they're also opportunities for growth. You are growing...she is emotionally stagnant. Your affair is "used as a weapon each and every time she wants something." How long are you willing to live with this recurring persecution?

Yeah ignore her pain, ignore the fact that the pain is always there and the trust very weak. Tell him that because of his mistake he is now a better person than she is, that will help their relationship for sure. I am not saying what she is doing is right but reading you calling that persecution is laughable.

Trust is like a mirror,you can fix it if it's broken.But you can still see the crack in that ************* reflection!

It doesn't sound like she's truly forgiven you. You need to to treating yourself as the bad guy at is pint. You made a mistake and taken ownership of the mistake. If she doesn't forgive you with her heart and her mind, it is time to move on.

Yes it means you have to take full responsibility of your actions and be a man with the consequences of those actions.

Time to lay out that she needs to forgive and move forward or you need to move on.

Several years ago? Oh ffs. If she hasn't let that go by now and come to revitalize your relationship, love, trust, intimacy ... then where is this heading? Will she still beat you over the head with this 2x4 when you're 88?

You need to make it clear to her that what she is doing is driving you away. That is no way of conducting an equitable, amicable, never mind loving relationship.

I am entirely on your side. Yes, the affair was a mistake and you have owned up to that. You have made every effort to rebuild your relationship. But your wife thinks she holds the "upper hand" by threatening you over your past behaviour.

This is not the action of someone who truly wants to let go of the past and move on. It is the action ofa controlling person who cannot let go of a tool with which to "beat" you.

I believe you need to make it clear to her that, should this copntinue, you WILL leave. (But be sure you mean it before you say it.) Tell her you have donme all you can to make amends and you will NOT accept bveing her "whipping boy" any longer. That if she cannot get over it then that is HER problem, and not your's.

You can reiterate to her that you do not WANT to leave her, but that her behaviour is causing you to believe you have no other choice. Time to stand up to what is essentially bullying on her part, IMO.

<p>Your marriage may never get back to normal.</P><br />
<p>If the trust cannot be rebuilt, and if the affair is continually being thrown in your face, then there is no future for you or her.</P><br />
<p>You need to make a contingency plan for divorce. Doesn't mean you have to execute it, but the probabiliy is high that she is not going to stop reminding you, you are going to remain miserable, and one (or both) of you is going to pull the plug here.</P><br />
<p>Best be prepared. Your behavior put the marriage at risk, now her behavior is increasing the risk.</P><br />
<p>The situation is not sustainable.</P>

Awesome advice.

just ask your self ,,,,why..... you have your answer....