I'm Becoming One

Oh my God. I think I'm doing something really really wrong.

I had my prom yesterday and I wasn't feeling very good and my girlfriend was feeling bad and was very bitchy and I wanted to have some fun and I couldn't stand the fact that my girlfriend was bitching at me all the time and so I took my best friend and walked around with him. I had some of these "god, do i love him more than as a good friend?" yesterday, but that's nothing new, I usually have them every two or three weeks and then decide that it's my girlfriend I love. But yesterday was different... we then walked around the estate around the house and talked and my girlfriend was terribly hurt that I was talking to him about my depression instead of talking to her. And I couldn't really explain it myself but I just made her see that it has nothing to do with her. The evening continued, I felt ******* bad and sat with my girlfriend in some corner and we both cried. She cried all the time cause I was feeling bad and I felt so guilty when told me cause I didn't understand that that was the reason. When I drove home with my best friend's family I sat next to my best friend and I put my head on his shoulder cause I was tired and depressed and we sat there for some time and then he put his arm around me. That was yesterday.

Today I met him and some other friends at our pub. My girlfriend wasn't there. Of course I knew it was bad, but I went there anyway. And he put his arm around me all the time. And I didn't think it to be that unusual cause he always does things like that and he's explained a lot of times that he doesn't love me (anymore) and that he just does that cause he does it with everyone. And it's really true. He puts his arms around every girl he sees and knows a little bit better. But then we walked home alone and when we waited to be picked up he put his arms around me, embraced me and have to say that I didn't do anything against it.

I feel so disloyal... I am I think. I ... just can't stop it. And I still can't tell whether I really love him or whom I love more ... I hate this feeling.

GothGrrrl GothGrrrl
18-21, F
5 Responses Jun 17, 2007

Her source of happiness needs to come from within. All we can do is water it, feed it, stroke it suck on it, explore it, probe it, put a spotlight on it, romance it and always be direct with it. She needs to know that you are not the source of her happiness but rather "just one source" to feed that happiness. She needs to stand upon that reality because what would happen if you suddenly were gone, had to move away unexpectedly spur of the moment It is unreasonable in my view for anyone to expect that another person should only be available for their own fulfillment and needs because it creates self defeating dependency that can only disappoint and confuse. Not good for the giver or the taker in my view. Long lasting independence the ability to give and take what you both need. Allowing you and her to share with others will make you both stronger and happier with whomever you guy or girl and wheneverr You can do that and maintain a relationship with each other with or being dependent or a prisoner to each other.

You can love more than one person at a time. Each love is unique, no two are the same. And in my opinion, multiple loves do not have to conflict with each other. <br />
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For example, a father can love each of his children uniquely. And in my opinion, under the right circumstances, a husband can love each of his wives unqiuely, and his love for each wife doesn't have to get in the road for the love of another wife.

At your age you shouldn't be in an exclusive relationship anyway. You've got DECADES to devote to a single person. Why start so early? On top of that you may not even know yourself totally yet. Maybe you need to spend some time alone. Anyway, if you're not in an exclusive relationship then you can't cheat! Problem solved! :)

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're feeling. Humans are impulsive beings, and by that token it is against our nature to restrain ourselves from those impulses. While some are illegal, like stealing or murder, there are no inhibitions on being with multiple people other than a social taboo. What that means to you, however, is for you to decide. You're young, though...you'll find yourself.

It may be that you need to step away from your current relationship a bit. Ask yourself if you are happy, or if you are just comfortable. If you are happy, then hang on! But if you are really just still in the relationship because you haven't done anything to change that fact, then your confused feelings towards your friend may just be an indication of what is already gone.