Infidelity Doesn't Just Happen

Contrary to what some people claim, infidelity doesn't just happen. It requires participation and a desire to carry it out.

The first time I cheated I didn't start out to cheat but was also very aware of what I was doing. Nearly 15 years ago after having been married for two years I went out with some friends (both married and single) for an evening meal. We went to a nice restaurant and enjoyed some great conversation over a meal and wine. Afterwards the group went different ways, home and to nearby club to dance.

The group that was going dancing was going in my direction of my home so I went with them, we reached the club and they teased me saying that the night was young and that I should come in for just a bit. I made a choice to stay, the peer pressure helped but in all honesty I wanted to go with them.

For the next several hours we danced like girlfriends often will and chatted some more. There were several men that looked our way and at me in particular. A couple times while dancing men would come and try to cut in with me, but one of my girlfriends in particular would step in by saying, "dance with me, I'm single she's not." I would just smile at them and keep dancing.

Off the dance floor I continued to get looks from one individual in particular, so much so that my girlfriends noticed and commented to me about it. On my way to the bathroom which took me right by him he stopped me and we talked for just a bit. He asked if he could buy me a drink to which I responded by flashing my ring hand. His response startled me, "A ring isn't a plug." I dropped the conversation, used the bathroom, and very quickly returned to the safety of my friends circle.

We next left the club and at the corner I parted ways with my friends but instead of going home circled the block and went right back into the club (a clear choice on my part). I wasn't thinking of cheating but rather was intrigued by this man. He saw me enter and immediately waved me over which I ignored and went to sit across the room near some other men. My return was noticed and without my friends to intervene my interactions and conversations started lasting much longer.

He finally came over and asked me to dance which I accepted. I won't lie he smelled good and I liked the feel of his hands on me. We danced and made small talk for quite some time before he said he was going outside for a smoke. I just followed him, doesn't just happen

In the parking lot while he smoked and we talked more he made the first move. I was sitting on the trunk of his car and he kissed me for he first time, a nice kiss. Pulling away he opened the door to the back seat and just made a gesture with his hand suggesting I get in. Without a word or second thought into the back seat I went, doesn't just happen.

For quite sometime we engaged in heavy petting and passionate kissing. We were both turned on and things had progressed to that point. We stopped for just a moment and rearranged our clothing, his pants coming down with my skirt pulling up. This doesn't just happen.

What happened next is slightly comical and again shows there are numerous points where things can be stopped. Instead of hitting my vagina he slipped between the seat and my butt, as I was very wet and the angle was such he thought he was in. For a moment I thought about letting it play out this way, but I made a conscious decision to stop him.

Informed he tried again but in our haste we hadn't bothered to remove my panties, nor did he now slow down to pull them aside. Instead he's only able to get a couple inches before the fabric is stopping him, making this a complete underwear ****. Once again I have a choice that could stop this or help it to go all the way. I stop him, and not trusting him to try a third time on his own I reach down, move my panties to the side, and pull him to where we needed to be.

Afterwards when I thought about it all I was somewhat surprised at how easy it had been. We like to think that there are hard lines and clear limits that stop this kind of stuff. Rather all that's an illusion, it only stops when you decide it does. Cheating doesn't just happen, you have to enable it.

Going out for dinner to start with was a choice, innocent but a choice. Going to the club with my single girlfriends was taking things to another level. Returning to the club, going outside, getting in the backseat were all deliberate actions that were only possible because I had enabled these actions by making decisions before that.

Finally even during the heated moments of the backseat there were still numerous opportunities to stop this. It's not like I had lost my ability to think or control myself, rather my responses were very calculated with a desired goal in mind. It didn't just happen, we didn't accidentally go to far, it wasn't meant to be.

So if you are going to cheat, at least own it.
Kissweeterthanwine Kissweeterthanwine
41-45, F
15 Responses Sep 29, 2013

Another excellent post.

Good food for thought, thanks for sharing it!

Ever consider that we may not be programmed to be monogamous? Sure we are socialized that way but I doubt that we are intended to connect with one person for life.

Interesting outlook

love your honesty...I will accept it once it of now, waiting for it...
this obviously has happened multiple times later...did you ever own it up in front of your husband?

It's not quite that simple, (accepting it) provided you are normal. Society depends on the majority acting a responsible and normal manner. Would you really like to live in a world that was just casual sex?

Coming clean with your partner is never about the partner or in the best interest of the partner. Rather it's about trying to make yourself feel better about your actions. Like I mentioned before it you are going to do this then own it, every last bit of it. Some burdens are not to be shared.

Do you consider it a burden? I find it makes me more loving. I know that sounds crazy.

Well I Have to applaud you for owning it.
To many people these days blame others or circumstances.
So bravo.
Also thanks for revealig that great story.

If we use the word 'Cheat',then doesn't this imply that there's a 'Game' being played? what's the name of the game?

In Chaucer's 'Canterbury Tales' there was alot going on back then that we should be taking heed of the 'Bakers Wife's Tale'.....she was way ahead of her time.

Very well said!

very true. great story. iv cheated on my wife and im not proud of it but it was not an accident. it was my choice every time.

That was hot. You're does take effort on both parts.

I can relate how easy it was for me as well, and without looking for it, it just happened.

I am ansd probably always will be a flirt, and on an occasion similar to yours I cheated for the first time, after we went to watch a game of rugby me and some mates went to a pub where I saw an old friend of my wife, she was with other people and they were pissed as were my friends and I really wanted to leave.

She offered me a lift to which I said yes, few drinks i had probably made me and her more braver than what we would have been, anyway in the car on the way which is just a 20 minute drive she said my wife is lucky, I asked why and she said her boyfriend has no clue how to treat a girl in the sack, I asked why would she think i would know and she said ladies talk.

Well as you can imagine this got the conversation started and she said to me something similar in the lines of a ring doesn't close a hole, and undid my zip, asked if i wanted to come for coffeee.... rest you can imagine.

I had chances to say no but i was flattered that she wanted me, was i guilty afterwards? Yes i was but the thrill of it all made me go back...

I, too, was very surprised by how "easy" it was. I didn't even feel guilty. I didn't set out to do it, but I certainly walked the path straight into his bedroom.

I had a lot of guilt afterwards. This wasn't something married women do, not something I was going to do, until I did. I didn't even try to stop things but rather enabled and helped it happen, that took me a while to come to terms with. There was the person I wanted to be and the person I am.

You are right. Own it and take responsibility. I wish I could do that publicly instead of just here in EP world

The problem with owning it in public is that other innocent people get hurt. People that unless it becomes absolutely necessary shouldn't have their world turned upside down. The best we can do is be honest with ourselves and face the truth privately.

You are very wise. I haven't divorced my H because of the unintended consequences.

You are absolutely right. I didn't go out looking to have an affair... It did just happen over the course of two years.... But I allowed everything to happen. The first touch, the first kiss, the first secret meeting, .......I was very aware of what I was choosing to do.
Do I regret it? The answer for me is no! I don't regret one single moment. I would do everything all over again.... Why? Because I fell in love with him..... He makes me feel alive, wanted, happy...feelings that I haven't felt for a very long time. If things were great in our marriages...."we" would have never happened.... We both chose each other for a variety of different reasons. Now we have to choose how to move forward. It is a really hard road to travel.... So anyone reading this, if u are tempted to be unfaithful for whatever reasons, please be aware of your choices because once they are made, they cannot be undone.

Do you ever wonder if your affair relationship is keeping you from improving your married relationship? If you hadn't fallen in love might you have worked harder on your marriage? I'm not throwing rocks, after all who am I to judge, rather just asking.

I cannot quite relate as my marriage is great and it still happened. I also know that affairs take time, if a person did have a troubled relationship then an affair could hinder the recovery of that relationship as there's just less to go around.

I'm not sure I could cheat if my relationship was bad, I think that because my relationship is good it allows me to cheat. Sort of like if you are at a healthy weight you can go ahead and have the occasional latte with the chocolate cupcake, versus is you were overweight you wouldn't get the same enjoyment from it.

I think about that all the marriage isn't horrible.... But there's been a lot missing for the last few years. My affair sort of woke me up and made me realize I don't need to be in this rut, taken for granted, just husband is not a bad guy... And I know I should be putting more effort into saving or fixing my marriage. But, I'm really in a pickle now because I feel numb when I'm with my husband. I'm not sexually attracted to him and I realize that's going to be a very big problem, sooner than later. Again....a very difficult road that I've only just begun to travel!

Hi I liked one of your post and am looking for someone to talk to about my current situation between myself my husband and our plumber! Would you be interested?

Hi I liked one of your post and am looking for someone to talk to about my current situation between myself my husband and our plumber! Would you be interested?

1 More Response

You're right. I knew what I was doing. (That made me smile... I knew exactly what I was doing). I think that part that surprised me is the falling for him part. I'm assuming this was a one night stand for you... but had you continued.. sometimes feelings you didn't intend to have sneak up on you and before you know it you're in love. Anyway, sounds like you had a good time and got what you wanted... you made it happen...

At the time I don't think I could have handled more than one night, the guilt was to bad. He gave me a number that I tossed as soon as we parted. The next couple weeks were really hard as a part of me wanted to come clean but my husband was so happy that it felt really cruel to bring this into his life. In addition there was also the fear of being pregnant, was never happier to have my period come right on time.

Yet at the same time the night kept replaying in my mind and it was a good time that I did greatly enjoy despite it being outside my happy marriage. The two things, fun with another man and still having a happy marriage just didn't really seem possible.

Was I a freak or some kind of deviant? What kind of woman does something like I just did, actually making it happen while knowing exactly what she was doing.

I think the turning point for me was several months later when I went on a roller coaster ride. When the cart you are in drops you get an big rush of excitement and fear. I happened to be with my husband at the time and I thought if I was experiencing this with someone else would it be wrong? Taking the ride with my husband was special and something no stranger could ever share but that doesn't mean I couldn't enjoy the ride with a stranger either.

You are right about feelings though, it's never just a pure physical action. I've almost been trapped by this a time or two before I learned how to handle things better. It's actually the biggest risk I take as the natural desire to connect is always there.