Compulsive Cheaters..

I am a cheater.  A Hands down, ingrained in my genes, pumping through my blood, drilled in my brain, taken over my body cheater.  I've researched countless articles about why people cheat and read countless cheater profiles.  There are those who cheat for revenge, those who cheat because they find there's something missing in the relationship they are in.  There are those who cheat simply for the thrill of it, those who cheat under the use of substances.  There are some who cheat to revive their relationships and bring themselves closer together with their current partner, some people even do it as a cry for their partner to notice them.

I will admit, that I have fit many of these profiles at many points of my life.  I've cheated on girl, after girl, after girl.  Either because the relationship was failing already and I needed a way out, or simply because I was being heartless.  I've always taken full responsibility, cried on command, manipulated every situation telling them it was me not them, even at times when it was them.

But contrary to what you may think, I do not enjoy cheating.  I do not brag or boast about it.  I am not here because I am proud of what I've done or who I am.  But I do question if that is just it.... who I am.

The real reason I'm here, is because I always had this thought inside me that I wouldn't cheat if I found the right person that made me want to stay committed.  I'm young, obviously, and had a lot left to experience in this world.  Being an out lesbian, I figured I had a lot of soul searching yet to do, and one of the ways I did that was through meaningless flings, barely scraping the surface relationships, and sometimes deep-intimate relationships that ended in my failure to be monogomous.

But I've found that girl now.  That girl that really, truly completes me.  She's always on my mind, my heart literally beats along with hers.  I would lay down my life for this girl in a second,  and I wouldn't even think twice.  I want to go places with her, start a family with her, a future with her.  She means absolutely everything to me. 

But despite all of this, it's still in me.  I've been faithful to this girl, besides a slip up at the beginning of our relationship which she knows about, and have vowed to never, EVER hurt her like that again.  It's the first time I've stayed in a relationship with anyone after cheating on them, and would do just about anything to take it back.  And remorse is not something I've ever really felt until now.

I am here because I don't know how to gain her trust, until I can gain my own trust from myself.  I feel like we are both constantly on edge, and I'm constantly doing everything I can to prove myself to her... despite the fact that I don't really know if I can live up to her expectations.

I want to be with her forever, but at the same time it still drives me absolutely mad that I can't touch what I want, when I want, and do what I want, when I want.  And for me it's not a matter of sex, or a matter of wanting that other person, or seeing something in them that I don't see in my girlfriend.  It's really, truly not.  But I'm literally, mentally, and physically addicted to the chase.  I get a rush from it that's indescribable and then I'm over it.  I don't crave, or want other women.  I don't want anyone BUT the one that I am with.  But I do fear that saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater," and the more I hear it, the more I wonder if it's having reverse effects on me, causing me to screw up.

I feel like the most ****** up person on the earth that I've waited my entire life for this person, and yet I have to avoid parties, clubs, alcohol, anything that would provoke even the slightest lust in me and set me off on an endeavor in which the costs would severely outweigh the benefits.

I've looked up all sorts of things on compulsive cheaters, serial cheaters, narcissists and compulsive sexualities and still don't know what I think of them all.  But believe this, if there was a medication I could take, I'd do it. 


theinbetween theinbetween
13 Responses Mar 26, 2009

I think yall should go to a psychatrist because it sounds like an addiction. Yall need help in ur head mentally.yall are just like a drug addict you keep craving more an more an more.its not fair to the ones u are with if u can't stay faithful an you know it then don't get in a realationsh period.get help they can help you.oh yea cheating is not a mistake its a PERSONAL CHOICE...MAYBE THE FIRST TIME BUT AFTET THAT OTS A CHOICE I PROMISE!!!!

I am a cheater as well. But that is because that's how I cope with his ex still being in his life.

When you say his ex is still in his life, do you mean they're seeing each other? And do you cheat with one partner or do you have multiple?

When the trust is broken it might never be the same. It can can turn the one who didn't cheat into a paranoid wreck, worried sick when You are late etc that You might be doing it again. There's a lot of issues that can arise from an un faithful act. It sounds to me You are just not cut out for manogamy. Perhaps You need a partner who wants an open relationship? Would Your partner explore other oltions such as an open relationship?. Its not fair to keep hurting people, as You discovered recently, it sux to be hurt and hurt the ones You love. If You can't be faithful, let Her go. She deserves the chance to find someone faithful, this could mess Her up in the head if You keep cheating. It could make her really suspicious and paranoid.

That is beautiful. It takes so much for people to admit their secret sins... I am taken back by your honesty... You are not alone.

I am a female and I am married and I have these thoughts, these very explicit dirty thoughts about other men. Kissing, holding, pressing, touching... these random men; younger, older no discrimination... I mean, I'm horny all day...

The minute I see my husband, I seduce him as though he were that other guy. And it's great... Oh my goodness, who am I kidding, it's Phenomenal!

Then when I run into the person the next day I have to act normal. While having a conversation all I can think is, 'I had sex with you last night and you have no idea.'

That's how I deal with my secret sin... Heaven forbid I actually act on fantasy with anyone other than my husband.

Let me know what you so to conquer this. I have faith in you kiddo :-)

I thank the lord for all of you to finally have the guts to speak truth. And truly, I am the least among you all. I was the coward of cowards. There are three things that can never be hidden. 1) The Sun 2)The Moon 3) The Truth

I'm a cheater as well, am I in love with the girl I'm with for three years now? absolutely yes, for me sun rises and sets for her, I tried to quit cheating so many times with so many ways but eventually I couldn't. Finally, I could make myself stop running after girls but when a girl shows me that she wants me, I falter so easily. recently, I discovered that I don't like regular ordinary life. as far as I'm concerned the girl I'm with is like home to me and the others are like a night in a vacation hotel if you know what I mean. I know you may think I'm proud of myself, well, I'm not, I know I'm wrong and I know it's gonna break her heart into million pieces if she finds out but what can I do? I tried and it depressed me for several days earlier and I don't wanna wind up fighting depression for the rest of my life

I feel like you took the words out of my mouth. I just like the chase and just making someone like me, the problem is my girlfriend is perfect. I just can't stop, it's kinda like a drug. I hate to say it but people like us I just don't think we get to have the happily ever after. We just get to give our significant others that temporarily until we get caught or the next one comes around. It's gonna be a lonely life for people like us full of longing and wanting, but I guess that's just the way it is. I don't mean it in a you could never change type way but I mean, do you really think you will??

i broke up with my bf of almost 5 years when i found out (only recently) that he has another girl (3 years) and another ( 1 month) and another (2years?) and another and another... It really broke my heart.... He kept telling me how sorry he was for hurting me and it's me that he really and truly loves.... How can I believe him anymore? he betrayed my trust... He told me I was 'the one.' even bragged about it to his family and friends! The thing is, i still love him, but couldn't trust him anymore... i had to let go.

I'm in the same situation but have a child by him. I'm so confused, I thought this man was perfect.

If you really do love her, you would tell her about the cheating.And let her decide whether she wants to stay with you.As when she finds out herself one day, she will resent you even more.

I guess come clean to her is totally wrong decision, she wouldn't understand, no girl would

cheating is a choice. You can choose not too.

cheating is an addiction as well.

Don't worry about screwing up. Instead worry about two things. Worry about growing up in time not to have real life pass you by, while you are busy wallowing in the emptiness of fake involvements and possible diseases. Even very wise and brilliant bank robbers get caught sooner or later. <br />
Secondly, worry that what goes around comes around. Man, you'd best be careful that this one new girl is not cheating her own behind off behind your back, like you did it to others.

Yes! I know what you mean about needing to trust yourself... I don't trust myself in the least. I have been in a long distance relationship for the past year or so, and I didn't go out at all until the other night. Because I didn't trust myself. And guess what happened? Yep...<br />
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Similar to you... I love the chase. I love being saught after, flirting... etc. I love the attention. I didn't even like the guy... I just liked the validation it got me, as stupid as that sounds. <br />
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I know that it's not right with the boyfriend... and I know we'll end soon. But I hope, like you, that when I find the right person, I won't want to cheat... I'll go out and won't feel the need to get all of that attention. Your story kind of worries me... that maybe it's not that magic "click" when you find the right person. <br />
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Maybe we both need to work on ourselves before we can commit ourselves completely to another person. I can't stand the thought of hurtin another person, like I've hurt so many others

You need therapy.

Thanks for sharing this with us. I think you're right when you say that you need to trust yourself before you can work on getting your girlfriend to trust in you. Sharing your story and thinking about the reasons why you cheat is a big step and it shows you care. Wishing you continued happiness in your relationship!