Seems to Be a Pattern For Me

I started dating my boyfriend (A) about 5 years ago in high school.  We stayed together for three years.  We planned to stay together while in college (separate colleges)... but I immediately started liking a guy (B) in my dorm.  One night, while drunk, I ended up in his bed and kissed him.  Not a very intense kiss, but a kiss nonetheless...  I broke up with A a few days later.

I began dating B, we dated for a year.  He ended up being a jerk... treated me badly, cheated on me (that felt horrible...).  But I had a lot of feelings for B, and probably always will in some ways.  After B and I broke up, we would continue to hook up occasionally... He now has a girlfriend, and a while ago (when I was partying at his house), he came into the room I was sleeping in to ask me to come have sex with him.  In my drunken state and with all of the feelings that I still had for him, I did.  I consider this cheating even though I was single.... since I knew he had a girlfriend, she is my friend...  I felt horrible.

I am now back with A.  We have been together almost a year.  I realized about 5 months ago that this was not the relationship for me, that I got back into it for comfort reasons.  I love him, and always will, but I am not in love with him.  I recently talked with him about all of this, and he was devastated.  For whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to officially end it yet.  I am in a very high stress year of school and am facing depression and a lot of other problems in my life... and I need him.  And he knows it...  It's selfish, I know. 

Last night, I went out to a party (B was there, we talked a little.  I try to steer clear of him, for fear of a repeat...).  I was having a good time, got VERY drunk.  I was basically drinking a glass of whiskey for most of the night.  I was getting pretty flirtatious, kissing old guy friends on the cheek.  I then started talking to a guy I've known for a while (C), who has a similar situation... He dated the same girl for a long time, always knew it wasn't exactly right, but he didn't have the guts to break up with her.  For some reason, we were standing by the door, he said "let's go to another party."  So I just... left with him and we party hopped for a while.  Eventually, he started hinting that he wanted to crash at my apt since we were close to it.  I agreed...

At my apartment, we played with my puppy, continued to drink, and then went began an intense conversation about ... everything.  One of those great conversations that you can have drunk, but would take weeks of friendship to get to.  We talked about my relationship, we talked about drug use, alcoholism, school (I'm in grad school, he's about to start), women working, people wasting their life.... I don't know.  We got to know each other.  And I really enjoyed it.  Then... we were on the floor played with the dog... He started tickling me.  I ended up on top of him, and we started kissing.  It wasn't really making out, but we kissed for a while...  We stopped and went to bed.  Nothing happened there.  He's been texting me today asking me to meet up with him at a party tonight. 

I just feel so guilty.  I guess a lot more could have happened, and I know my relationship is ending... But why do I keep doing this?  Why am I always involved in things like this?  Am I a bad person??

pinkkennel pinkkennel
1 Response Mar 28, 2009

Hey, I found your story at last!<br />
<br />
I have to say I know how you feel. I was very much between relationships as a teenager, never having or wanting to commit because i didnt trusted me to and didnt wanted to have to think too much.<br />
I think when you are not bad looking and have good chances to meet interesting people, it makes it very hard to resist because you just fall somehow in them. And it isnt boring. I get very easily bored and that is why i was scared commiting myself. I always ended up hearting people, good people, people who loved me and who were almost perfect - i couldnt find an excuse about breaking up!<br />
Well that changed when i found the super boyfriend with who I am for 5 years now. He is beautiful, loving, caring, smart, everyone respects him, i am everything for him..but since a couple of years i am just killing slowly all of my feeling because i am starting to get bored with a result that i cannot feel almost anything. The rest you can read on the message i sent you.<br />
I dont think you are a bad person or weird, i also find it hard to say no sometimes. But i think these situations always show you if you are happy with the person you are with. Worse is if you feel happy about having done that, or want to repeat it-i think then you can really start changing some things. <br />
I am more or less on the same situation. My boyfriend is a big help right now because i am very stressed with uni etc and i couldnt imagine breaking up and making mylife even more stressier. It is probably convenient and the thought of having almost someone like your family who loves you whatever happens and is there for very nice but probably not fair for him. But i think sometimes big decisions and breking up decisions come also suddenly-you just feel the right moment for it. It is also not good to do something you may regret because you have acted stupidly or whatever.