I Thought I'd Changed, I Guess I Hadn't

My wonderful girlfriend and I have been together for six months.  This is the happiest I've been in my life, and at 26, we were both seriously thinking about our future with each other.  We had a wonderful sex life, intellectually stimulated one another, had many things in common, and I literally could not have asked for anything better or been any happier.

This past weekend I visited friends in my hometown.  We had gone out to dinner and several bars.  I met with friends I hadn't seen in a while.  It started as a good evening, laughing, even showing a picture of my girlfriend, describing how it's different this time and that while I may have strayed in the past, the thought could not have been further from my mind in regards to her.  And this was truthful, because i couldn't have conceived of it at 11am or even 11pm.  At 3am, I evidently began talking to a girl in the bar.  She somehow followed my friends and I back to his place, and we evidently got it on.  I don't know if we actually had sex.  I think we tried to but i was couldn't.  It doesn't really matter anyway.  I frame the events that way because i have a propensity to black out, which i did on this evening.

The blacking out was the first time it's happened in six months, and this was first time I've cheated on this girl I wanted to spend my life with.

How she found out is almost as horrible as my actions.  She said i called at 3:45am to wish her goodnight(VM of course).  Approximately 15 minutes later, she received another call with a soundtrack of what was going on with this barfly girl.  Moaning, slurping, everything in detailed, disgusting audio.  

She called me the next morning.  I hadn't known she had known of the incident and i was groveling to my friends about what a huge mistake I'd made, and essentially how this happened.  I was at fault for my actions, but without alcohol, this wouldn't have happened.

She called me, i stuttered and backtracked and tried to lie, before coming clean with the information there was nothing left to hide.  I immediately caught a early return flight to try and speak with her.  She of course wouldn't meet me.  She wouldn't take my calls.  

In the aftermath, she's broken up with me, our plans for vacation canceled, my clothes and pictures scattered over the floor of the apartment i came home to.  I returned her keys, her possessions and th plans that we'd made.  While i've spent the last four days in utter agony, misery and the most intense depression of my life, unable to eat or sleep, this isn't about me.  But remorseful and determined to change is what i'm trying to get across. It's about what i've done to her and how i've forever betrayed her trust fever.  

She knows i've had a history of infidelity with past girls. A history fueled by my inadequacy with myself and the lubricant of alcohol on occasion. And more often than not a deep dissatisfaction with the relationship. I just thought it was conquered and laid to rest, as I was so happy.

I am now seeking therapy, giving up alcohol for the time being, and in general am going to try to make myself someone that she can once again be proud of.  Because I do love her more than anything, and I have to believe I can change, and that there is a chance of redemption and reconciliation.

I'm trying to not offer excuses.  I'm not trying to blame booze, although it's a factor.  I'm trying to be humble and I am deeply, deeply hurt at what i've done to her.  I've forever impacted our lives.  I can't live with myself at the moment, but I am because i have to believe there's a chance she's see something good in my once again.
robleyDC robleyDC
26-30, M
2 Responses Oct 31, 2007

Well it's nearly five years on mate... what happened? How'd it turn out?

I feel for you and i will pray for you that your girl will want to take you back. Chances for reconciliation might be possible. Even though not, i hope for you that you learn from this mistakes. It is never easy when trying to patch a relationship when it involves the issue of trust.<br />
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Me myself, have done similar in the past. What i can say is to learn and move on.<br />
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If you are lucky enough to get her back, treasure her, ok?