I don't know what you call that specific step across the line into the "real" darkness and pain of abuse trauma.  I don't even know what or where that "line" is.  I just have felt it over the years at specific times so that I have always known it was there---needing, begging, and longing to be felt and faced.  A person walking on a train track that has a dark tunnel through a mountain.  I have been able to see it from a distance.  It has been a secret only I have known and felt on rare occasions the magnitude it must be.  It harbors a desperate crying need and an abyss of unknown pain and suffocating shame--all combined with an indescribable terror.  I can sense the tunnel getting closer, and I can feel the fear and the shame from a distance. It is all unknown--a place I never dared to go before.  I don't know how you "get there" either.  My counselor and I brushed on the subject a couple of weeks ago.  It was hard to just acknowledge such a vulnerable place to someone else--that such a primal area is part of me.  An area that I might not be in control of what happens in me, to me, etc.  I asked my counselor if I would know how to get through it when I got there and he said, No I wouldn't.  He did tell me he was not afraid of it though.  I asked him if he was sure, and he said he was.  I don't know what is in "there."  I don't know anything.  What will happen?  Is it safe to trust my counselor?  Will I survive it?  Will I go insane?  Will I lose the securities I have hung on to in life?  Will God reject me?  Am I rejecting God?  Will God be on the other side?  Is this a irrevocable trick?  Will I end up in a mental hospital?  Will I lose everything?  Will it tear my world apart?  Am I evil for thinking about it?  For allowing myself to consider going there?  Will I regret it?  How far back will I go?  Can I get back?  Will there be pieces to pick up afterward?  Will I have the strength to pick up the pieces?  Will there be an afterward?  Will  I die?  Will there be someone there when I am so vulnerable? Will I be safe?  What is in the darkness of that tunnel?  Will I be blind sided by an unknown "train?"  I don't know where or what the threshold line is but although it is heading into the dark, I can feel it.  I am afraid to let myself go toward it--and yet what does that even mean?  I don't know.  I do know that it is like when I left home--once I cross that point--it is a point of no return.  I'm stuck with whatever happens or where I end up.  I am not even sure if I will ever have an answer to these questions--I will probably just have to take the risk and hope/trust.  That is the most horrifying thing I can imagine.  It is life-altering.  I'm just not sure if in  good or bad sense.  It has to rank up there equal with the  risk and terror of my leaving my abusive home the first time.  But in a tiny place, my gut says I have waited all my life for this.  To find the other side.  I think I have to--I don't think I can live without going on either.  I think I have to "escape" home (internally this time) all over again.  Oh, my God, I hope I survive this! 

Later:  My counselor and I talked more about abreaction (he named it for me).  At this time in my life, I am having to "go back home and leave emotionally this time."  I can actually comprehend that some of the horror, fear, shame, etc. that I feel in approaching that line is the exact way I felt then (at my childhood home).  I just didn't realize it and spent all these years trying to get away from those awful feelings--here I am having to go back.  I am going back home after all these years!  It is an extremely vulnerable, out of control place.  My counselor said he promised me one thing, "If you start to go through it (the abreaction), I won't stop you."  Basically he wouldn't protect me from it--in a good sense.  It is so scary, but it is creeping up on me.  I can feel it.  The counselor also told me that he could not take me there (the abreaction).  He could not do it for me.  He said it is MY journey.  I realized that was what I have wanted--someone to get me there.  However, since he told me that, I am beginning to see that I will get there myself if I keep processing and dealing with my stuff.  It will happen itself--if I let it.  I have to let myself risk everything, let go of control, trust, and let it happen.  Well, that sounds simple now.  However, my whole existence and survival all my life was based on trusting no one, holding to total control, and risking nothing.  It is no small thing!  There is a huge difference in talking about something and living it!  And I am only looking toward it--I haven't been there yet.  The feelings though are so literal and tangible.  So real I can taste them!  It is an entity that feels unbelievable more powerful, more overwhelming than me--that it could literally kill me.  I'm not in the least joking or exaggerating.  It is a very real fear--of not making it.  It is like facing the possibility of dying.  I have reached a point that I can hesitantly say I don't know when it will happen--which is a surrender from I don't know if it will happen.  I fearfully say now I think it will happen...I just hope I survive it.  I have never been here before. 

Fotoshot Fotoshot
46-50, F
4 Responses May 1, 2010

Thank you so very, very much!!!! That is good to know! :) And I'm counting on it.

*hugs you* Just know that whenever you decide to take this journey, if you fall, I'll catch you. Even though you may have to go into it alone, you most certainly do not have to deal with it alone.

Again thank you so much! I am not a quiter--otherwise I wouldn't have gotten this far--but some days....

Thank you so very much! I wish that I could express how much it helps me.