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Winning Or Loosing The Debate.

It's pretty sad. In order to write another experience, I need to go through all the others so I don't repeat myself. I've noticed, that particular issue is very important to me. I don't want to convey the attitude that my life revolves around remembering the incident(s) or that I'm driven to share these events hoping my experiences will help another abuse victim. I bulk at trying to name reasons for writing down the abuse and sharing it in this type of a forum. (Looking at what I just wrote).... Heres an example. I'm talking to someone and then I sense the other person is listening only until I stop talking, at which point (he/she) steps up to the podium, clears the throat and proceeds to recite their expansive knowledge on the subject just to be able to render their professional advice and sell you their prescription. (Not too judgmental or cynical am I?) This "feeling" is all my doing and doesn't reflect anything the listener does or says. In other words, it's all based on my perception of them, and I never trust my perspective on anything let alone something that borders emotional or physiological know how. I've also noticed something about me I dont trust, or understand. In explaining an incident, I might contradict a previous story, or just plain have different facts. I might also have a totally different "take" on the incident as to the wisdom gained or moral concluded from the experience. It would simply shatter any self worth if I should not be believed, or thinking I might be lying. (Been there, done that. Parents, teachers, social workers, friends.) See this process going on here? It's totally counter productive and destructive. It has flawed logic and serves no other purpose than to justify crawling into a hole and decompose. There. With all that said, I've decided I dont want to tell a story right now. Honest. Im not kidding. Thats the Way The Cookie Crumbles!
Bonocular Bonocular 56-60, M 7 Responses Jul 16, 2010

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There you go Marji! You chose life! Ahhh.. new days are sometimes great. Aren't they? (Listening to the cookie crumbling)

Mr. English, Im not too sure. I don't think so. Once the crap is out there, there's no getting rid of the smell 8-) Great to see you again!

Would you ever erase any of your stories?

So true.

Exactly!! You nailed it! It is the reaction, and the coping... to compare it with something (because I needed to find something to compare it with), I thought of mutilation. Every time someone abuses, he takes away a part of us, and it can be just a scratch, where he takes the skin under his nails, or a whole limb. Reacting to these amputations and holes and learning how to live without them, and decide whether to hate or not, or how to love, or how to feel is the story of our lives.

Comon' Sweet! I have an air horn in my back pocket and a devilish look on my face!

Exhausting isn't it Marji. I've come to find out there is no degree of abuse, only the reaction. Taking a gift car away from your graduating son or daughter could solicit the same response as taking a doll away from your child at Christmas and giving it to one of your boyfriends kids. (Where did THAT come from??) Thank-you both for dealing with the rant and rave!

But in the end you did tell a story! A story about not telling a story, and how all the different parts of you see your reaction and interaction with these events and the present. No... I rather shut up because I don't want to take the podium... have nothing to say up there!