I Wish I Could Forget It All, And Move On With My Life....

...but there is something that always comes in the way, terrible flashbacks of the abuse, nightmares of my father, doubts about my mother, and worrying at any minute, will he change, and go after my brother?

In the back of my mind, I know he has not really changed, but mom keeps insisiting he has. Its hard, I don't know what to do, what to believe, so I just try and forger, which is one of the hardest things to do.

You name the abuse, emotional, sexual, physical, he did it! He broke me. He was suppose to be my father, he was suppose to Love, and protect me from getting hurt, not be the one who was hurting me. He was suppose to kick the *** of the 1st guy who tried to get into my pants, not be the 1st oen to do it, and to do it with me begging him  not to. He was suppose to beat the **** out of a man if he put his hands on me in anger, not to be the one to push me down a flight of stairs, because I wouldn't get him another beer, because mom said he had too much. He was suppose to threathen the girls, who said mean hurtful things to me, that upset, not be the one to always put me down about my weight, my looks, my everything.

I want to forget it, and I want to be able to move on with my life, and forget about it, and be able to say, that is in the past, I need to let go of it, some days, I don;t even have to try, because I chose not to think about it, but other days its just so damn hard, and i just don't know what to do, or how to handle things somedays,
i want to move on with my life, and just be okay again....

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4 Responses Jul 16, 2010

I know your pain, and I know how it feels to have your mother sit there and allow it all to happen. Parents are supposed to love and protect their children. *hugs you tightly* Be strong and brave. Fathers like yours don't usually change their ways. Fight back, stand up for what you believe in, and hold your head up high. I'm here for you if you ever need me.<br />
With Love,<br />

I believe one needs to own something before they can choose to throw it away. (What the hell is he talking about?) Choosing to forget about it sometimes works for a short time before it destroys you. For me, during that process, I chose to forget about me. Thats easier, but I wouldn't recommend it. <br />
Some hook up with a partner who also has been abused. A common enemy creates a strong bond. It also means the same luggage, the same hang ups and fears. Recovery is different for everybody and the progress varies. When one person grows while the other is going through a hibernation stage, there is the strong potential for guilt for advancing and shame for the sleeper. <br />
You have set the healing process in motion.Theres no taking that back. "Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans." Damn, Im sorry. My thoughts are all over the place. Abuse will not rule your life, can not rule your life because it is destructive. Destruction by definition makes things smaller, which is the opposite of growth. <br />
Again I'm sorry about the rambling. Find yourself a good song and make it your anthem!

ok but seriously....why is your mom with him? You think that is ******* normal? NO!!! She is just as bad as him if she did not leave him! **** your stupid mom and you should really get that through your head!

It won't be. I will NEVER marry my mother, so cliches are just superfluous meaningless statements that are derived from vague generalizations. Freud also believe that heroin was a miracle drug, until he found out later that it was quite the opposite...<br />
<br />
The only psychology I agree with is:<br />
Pavlov<br />
Five Love Languages (another book)<br />
bl<x>ink (a book)<br />
<br />
Psychology is a very immature science. That cliche has no merit over you unless you let that statement control your life.<br />
<br />
I agree that women who have GOOD relationships with their fathers tend to SEEK similar qualities, but in no way do I think that applies here! You are smart... you can make your own filter and get exactly what you need. I believe in you!