Abused And Abandoned

I was three when it all began.  My sister and I were up late watching tv with our step dad.  He had been drinking as usual but asked if we wanted to play a card game.  Card games were big in our family so we thought it would be fun.  This game was a little different though, it was a strange version of ***** poker.  I remeber enjoying the game and laughing and having a good time never even realizing what perverted things were going through my step fathers head.  Slowly this game turned into watching movies where people took their clothes off and eventually to my step father touching my sister and I in very inappropriate ways though I at the time I had no idea what was going on was wrong.  I don't remember why but I never told anyone but didn't ever realize it wasn't something that went on in everyone's home at night.  To me it was normal.  My step dad would even tell me when my mom and him were going to have sex and leave the door cracked and invite me to watch.  Eventually my sister went to live with my grandma because my mom was disabled and had a hard time keeping up with both of us.  I was very close to my mom growing up but still never told her what went on after she went to bed at night.  I remember a time when I craved attention for my stepdad even wanted him to touch me when I was only 6 years old.  There is so much I don't remember but I remember one night when I was up watching a **** movie with my step dad he asked me if He could put his penis inside of my hole.  I told him I didn't think it would fit and he told me it would be okay.  I don't remember anything after that and I'm not sure if he every did put it in or not.  There's so much I just can't remember.  At the age of 9 I moved in with my dad because my sister was living with him and I wanted to too.  I was 10 years old when I was reading an article in a teen magazine about a girl who had been sexually abused by her dad.  It wasn't till this very point in my life that I realized the reality of what had happened to me.  I cried over it for the first time.   When I was 11 I decided I wanted to go back to my mom.  My step dad had gone to rehab and stopped drinking so I hoped that meant he wouldn't be wanting to play any late night games...I just missed my mommy so much.  It was only about three months into it when my step dad had a few drinks one night and told me he was going to have sex with my mom and he'd leave the door open so I could watch or even join in if I wanted.  I went into my room and cried.  The next day I told my mom I wanted to go back to my dad's and for th first time I told her everything about what my stepdad had done.  She didn't believe me.  I went back to my dad's house and two months later got a call from my mom that I was not allowed to visit hre.  She loved me but my step dad told her he didn't want us around.  I haven't seen her since, I was 11 then and I'm now 23.  I have struggled with self esteem problems my whole life.  I need constant compliments to feel good about myself and if I'm not told these things on a regular basis I fall into depression just feeling worthless as a person.  I am married with a 2 year old son and my marriage is hard because I feel like I need so much from my husband to feel secure in our relationship and when i don't get it I question our marriage.  I just wish I knew how to feel good about myself without having to be told nice things constantly.

jenreedy111 jenreedy111
4 Responses Jul 27, 2010

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Are you getting any therapy, Jen? It really can make a difference in the quality of your life, in helping to answer those questions that nag at you, and help you to sort things out. Also, as I recommended to psychmajor, the works of John Bradshaw helped me to sort out many things about myself and my family; I do give him part-credit for saving my life. I wish you every success and happiness, sweetie.

Wow I started literally crying when I got to the line that "my mother didn't believe me" This happened to me as well. I took psychology in college to understand why I went through what I did from the abuse. When I was 12, my father came into my room and he laid down next to me on my waterbed and tried putting his hand down my shirt, then he started going south and right before he touched me, I told him I had to go to the bathroom and I quickly got up and went into my brother's room where he was sleeping, i twas 10 in the morning. I told my older brother (by six yrs) and he took it casually and went back to sleep. I then told my older sister (by 9 1/2 yrs) later at her apartment and she called my mom and my mom did the same thing. She was in denial and didn't believe me. Shje kept making excuses for my father saying that he was tickling my belly button. I went to a few therapists and of course in the code of ethics they had to report it; HRS went to my house twice and my mom covered for my dad. This has caused my parents to hate me even more. Ever since then, my mom has treated me lower and different than my siblings. She acts like I'm her enemy and she even told me that I was jealous of her. I asked her to apologize to me know that I'm an adult and she never gave a sincere apology. She just kept leaving my apartment. I deal with bad self esteem issues daily. I need constant attention and when I don't receive it, I feel like I'm unwanted and soo depressed. I don't think any man would date me because I am emotionally unstable. I get clingy and cling to one person and shut everyone else out. To top it all off, I Just left my abusive ex and took our child away from him. With my father and mother being abusive, my ex and them have one another's backs and my mother has turned her side of the famiy to think I am crazy and against me. They expect too much from me and are judgmental and cruel yet they claim to be Christians and Catholics. They expect me to do what they want and laugh when I'm upset or mad or going through a real emotion. Also, they treat my child and I like the black sheep. I have no real friends; I am beautiful ont he outside so men just want sex and say I'm intimidating. Girls are usually catty toward me and I just need a real person to understand and talk to that I can trust. I feel soo alone and my son is so dependent on me I"m trying to finish my studies in five months in this horrible environment. I just keep telling myself to take it one day at a time and one day I will do what I love. I know I will always have constand low self-esteem, I just really need to stop thinking negatively but I know it is a result from enduringsoo much throughout an abusive adolescenthood. If you want u can email me and we could talk. I'll be here for me if you do the same. Good luck to you and I hope that you find real, genuine, loving people who will accept you for you. Remember, to always stay true to yourself and don't' give up ok.

I think that you should have written your own story, psychmajor, but still I must respond. Along with your studies, are you getting any therapy? As someone who has benefitted from therapy, I do heartily recommend it, and also the works of John Bradshaw. You can find peace and happiness, and you have my every wish for both.  —  @jenreedy, I'm sorry for this intrusion.

You'll get there, I know you can. *hugs you tight* Just remember that you're strong and you can overcome this. I'm so sorry about what happened, no body deserves to go through something like that. I'm here if you need me, or just want someone to unload some anger (because I know you probably still have some built up inside of there), just p.m me :).<br />
With Love,<br />