My Secret

It all started when I was four and it continued until I was ten years old. I was sexually abused and molested by my cousins and a house-help. It may be 16 years later from when it all started but it still haunts me. I find myself scared and afraid to do anything because the thought of others knowing extremely freaks me out. If anyone knows, they will treat me differently. It is due to this reason that I haven't told anyone I know apart from a few who judged me for who I am and what happened. Even my own mother brushed it off as just another child hood occurence. 
I need healing from all these but I don't know how to finally find peace of mind, body and soul.
I may be a survivor but I still feel as though I missed out so many things in my childhood. I feel as though I grew up and matured too fast to understand what happened to me.
At some point I cannot imagine myself going beyond the abuse. I feel trapped and lost.
I have lost the will to live and be possibility of being happy is non-existent.
deleted deleted
10 Responses Jul 30, 2010

I am so sorry that your mother just brushed it off, please heed the advice of the other readers and seek some help. If money or insurance is a problem, CODA or ACA could be a wishes for a great life for you.

we are all here to talk to if you need to m,any of us have found ways over it amny of us have not but we have learned over the years to deal with it most of the time<br />
<br />
trust is inportant in some one you can talk with if need be

You are wonderful loving human being. What another humanbing forces onto another does not define who that person is, nor does it have to be who they will become. All of your inner beauty, all that has been and still is wonderful about you is till within you. <br />
<br />
The best revenge is doing well... <br />
<br />
I hope soon that you will see and once again allow your inner beauty to florish throughout the world and within yourself :)

Be strong. I'm sorry that these things have happened to you. A little one should not have to be exposed to such trauma ever in their life. If you haven't already, find a counselor, a therapist, or even a friend that you can trust. Being open and discussing these traumatizing memories with someone who understand will help you tremendously. *hugs you tight* I wish you the best. You can e-mail me if you would like to, I'm always here for you. <br />
With Love,<br />

you will find exceptance here and you are safe we may nvere get over what happened but we learn to go on with life as best we can

That indeed is a difficult secret to live with and makes it hard function normally like nothing ever happened. Just remind yourself that you lived through it, which proves you're a survivor and a strong person. Don't dwell on the past dear, you will only miss out on the present. *hugs* I know its hard, but allow yourself to be happy.

I don't know you or your situation, so take this with a grain of salt. The leader of a grief ritual I went to recently said something that might relate to your situation. I don't remember the exact words, but it was something like "When soldiers came back from Vietnam a lot of them found that they felt disconnected. They couldn't relate to people back home because their psyche's were still in a warzone - they still felt like they were in a war. Some of them ended up going back to Vietnam afterward - they just didn't feel connected to anyone here. The reason for this was because they didn't have a community to welcome them back. They never got to truly grieve because no one here could understand enough to acknowledge their grief. They became frozen in their grief and were never able to let go."<br />
<br />
It sounds like you've never had a community to acknowledge your pain. I know the feeling - my parents were all about ignoring anyone's pain but my mom's, so I know what it's like to feel like your pain doesn't exist. I've been the sort of low place you're in, so I know that nothing I say will help you in any meaningful way - it's something you have to face with your own strength, which is a paradox since it sounds like your parents already forced you to face everything alone. I will say that I was about as low as a person can be, and then something unexpected happened that turned my downward spiral into an upward climb. I hope you find your way to happiness - I know from personal experience that it's always possible.

It's sad to know that bad things happen to good people. However always keep in mind that what happened wasn't your fault. As far as others are concerned it's your choice weither or not you want them to know that about your past. However just try to keep in mind that the only kinds of people who would ever want to pass judgement on you for what happened are shallow stupid people who can't see you for the beautiful person that you truely are.<br />
<br />
Just like you I have had bad things happen in my life. Things that I thought I'd never get over until one day I realized that my pain, hatred and ager about the situation wasn't doing me any good at all. In fact it caused a huge rift between me and others due to the fact that I never trusted anyone due to what ha happened. However in the moment I realized that holding on to those was only hurting me I began to view things from a diffrent perspective and finally got the peace of mind I was searching for. <br />
<br />
I know that things can be hard on you but just know that there are those of us out there who would do anything we can to help you get back to being you and not feeling ashamed or even scared to let others know who you are inside. If you need you can send me a message anytime and I'll be sure to repond to it as soon as I can.

my friend, (a woman} i am a man,i see every day was abused as a child, her mom was a little mad at her for she said stole her husb. my friend was nine at the time, my friend did not know what was happing at the time'',,in the 30'sand 40's some people were not to smart,,but you can get over this,,you are not alone many people have had the same thing happen to them,,you are not a bad person,you are O K,,tell your self ,,I'M O K,I'M GOOD,,10 times a day, every night in bed before you go to sleep I LOVE MY SELF, IM OK IM GOOD,,

Aces,<br />
<br />
I don't know how old you are but there are so many things you can do to help you find a reason to continue to live. I myself suffered from sexual abuse multiple times with different members of my family and it took me quite a long time to "come out of the closet." The people who judge you aren't the people you should be listening to. You need a support group and you start that by telling someone you trust who you believe will not judge you, and if they do move on to the next person. You are not to blame for this my love. You are a victim of opportunity and you were too young to have any choices, these were taken from you along with your innocence. If you don't believe me, take a look at a young 4 year old girl and see what they see. Look at how innocent they are, they are just beginning to separate from mom and dad at this point. These were the pillars of strength to you and it's a damn shame (shameful for them not you) that they didn't do a better job of protecting you and supporting you.<br />
<br />
Keep up with the healing girl, there are so many ways to get better, I hope you have some days soon when you wake up and can finally feel alive and happy to just be alive and well. Don't let those bastards win, show them your strength of will and power to heal yourself, this is the best type of revenge.<br />
<br />
Love<br />
<br />