Wwjd?I know what you assumed, I know what you thought, but the J doesn't represent any sort of religious deity it represents a name Jewels to friends Julie to family but first and most importantly Mom to me...
Rushing into the house yelling one last slur in attempt of standing up for myself before slamming my door and preparing for the worst. After getting my dog I pulled the dresser in front of the door since I didn't have a lock then pulling down all the cheap window shades so no one could see in I collapse on the floor in tears. Was it my fault? Could it be that in my lack of faith lead to your passing? It's possible to be sure but is it all my fault. The only adult to ever care about me and try to give me a good life was gone and now I hear every day getting out of a long day at school I'm responsible?
Between the throw ins that I'm worthless and not worth the money it takes to drive me to school let alone give me food. The smacks for my "tone" of voice the throwing away of all my books like Anne Rice and other great authors was replaced by a lone dirty bible on the counter. More smacks and slanders for throwing it away but it was worth it. That book means nothing to me. If the god within that book punished my mother for giving birth to me then it was a mutual hate. I reach into my drawer and pull out a pocket knife through watery eyes I watch how the glint of metal shines against the dim light of the ceiling fan/lamp. And as the blade inches closer to my skin I wonder... What would she do? What if she were here? She couldnt speak for months before she died because thats how ALS effects the body but... If she could, would she blame me? Would she tell me I'm sin that condemned her?
I wonder.... All I do know is that if she were alive, she'd want me to still have hope... She always talked of how good my life could be and how I could change the world for the better... But I also wonder if it's just one of those things all mothers say... A sort of pity compliment. But one thing she always said that I would never doubt in all the world is... She loved me. And that was all I needed. The rest of my family could despise and use me, my grandmother could beat and hate me but her love went above all that. As this all sank in I flipped the knife back into itself and put it away.