My Small Miracles Of Self-healingI used to hate the child I once was. I saw her as dirty and defiled. She was beaten, raped and made to feel ashamed of her existence. I hid her well. I lied about my life, created stories to explain the bruises and to conceal her pain. I pretended I was like everyone else. I was shocked when my best friend told me that her parents didn't beat her. How could that be? What was wrong with her life? I honestly believed that all parents abused their kids and that they lied about it like I did. We never talked about rape and sexual abuse back then, those were forbidden topics. I believed that all parents were evil and grandparents were to be feared.
It took me a long time, but I finally escaped from the people who raised me, but not from the scars tattooed into the fiber of my being. I chose the path of the rebel. I embraced danger as a way of life, but self-hatred kept me tied to the past. The Universe, in it's infinite wisdom delivered the ultimate challenge to me. It came in the form of having a child of my own. I had no role models, no idea how to be a mother. I thought back to a time in my life, when my imagination created "the ideal mother". I knew in reality that the person who tucked me in at night, and brought me water, was actually me, but the benevolent mother of my creation was an enormous comfort to me. She nurtured me.
When my daughter was born, it was this aspect of self that taught me how to be a mother. It wasn't easy, because my daughter had colic for 10 months. I was deeply afraid that I would snap, shatter into a million pieces and harm her. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I couldn't repeat history, I couldn't harm another human being. In essence, my daughter taught me the power of love. I became fiercely protective, a mother lioness, albeit a wounded one. My son came along, bringing his own challenges.
Their father was distant, hands off, and finally hands on another woman. I left, taking the children with me. It took every ounce of courage and will to stand strong and be there for them 100%. I worked long hours, sometimes two jobs. I wanted the best for them, a life I'd never had. I became the benevolent mother of my own creation at an enormous price to myself. I loved my children, I hated the child I once was.
The years passed and somehow the three of us made it through some pretty rough times. I clung to the simple miraculous knowledge that despite my early life experiences, I never abused them. Instead, I hated and abused myself, secretly slashing in the darkness, and concealing the evidence. They grew up and became adults, relatively unscathed by the wounded mother who raised them.
They left home, and it was now time for me to discover myself. I left no stone unturned. I explored whatever came my way. I became a Wiccan Priestess, I walked on fire, consulted Shamans, music and dance became a Spiritual Practice, and I opened my heart and my mind to anything and everything that could possibly set me free. I made many mistakes, only to discover that there are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
As a result of all this exploration, two miracles happened for me. The first one allowed me to see my child self for the very first time. She stood before me, looking about 4 years old. She was strong and beautiful. She looked at me with eyes that knew both innocence and wisdom. She showed me another view of her world. It was filled with the beauty of nature, the magic of fairies and a sense of eternity. I opened my arms and reached out to hug her. In that moment we became one and she shared with me a profound sense of Divinity. Since that moment, the child in me lives in my heart. That is where she was meant to be all along.
The second miracle healed an even deeper wound. These simple phrases echoed through my mind.."the Universe is perfect"...."the Universe makes no mistakes"...."I am perfect"..."I am not a mistake"...." there are no mistakes, only growth". Something compelled me to look in the mirror. I saw myself as I had never seen myself before. I was beautiful, bathed in Light. I heard myself saying for the very first time ever in this life "I LOVE MYSELF" It felt so real, so right...
Now I look back on my life, on the tapestry I have woven and the lessons I have learned. This is going to sound weird, but I realize that everything I experienced was meant to be for me. It taught me compassion. I have a lot to give. It taught me that in the big picture, there is no judgment and no duality.
I can't say that my life has been without problems since then, but I can say from my heart, that I found my own essence, which is the same essence of innate Divinity that we all share.
I am older, wiser, more balanced. I am still playful, sometimes a little wild, but definitely more connected to something far greater than myself, which for want of a better word, I call the Universe. I look back on my life and realize that even if I had the power to, I wouldn't change a thing.
Moonlightdreamer 41-45, F 4 Responses 0 Nov 29, 2010