My Small Miracles Of Self-healing

I used to hate the child I once was. I saw her as dirty and defiled. She was beaten, raped and made to feel ashamed of her existence. I hid her well. I lied about my life, created stories to explain the bruises and to conceal her pain. I pretended I was like everyone else. I was shocked when my best friend told me that her parents didn't beat her. How could that be? What was wrong with her life? I honestly believed that all parents abused their kids and that they lied about it like I did. We never talked about rape and sexual abuse back then, those were forbidden topics. I believed that all parents were evil and grandparents were to be feared.

It took me a long time, but I finally escaped from the people who raised me, but not from the scars tattooed into the fiber of my being. I chose the path of the rebel. I embraced danger as a way of life, but self-hatred kept me tied to the past. The Universe, in it's infinite wisdom delivered the ultimate challenge to me. It came in the form of having a child of my own. I had no role models, no idea how to be a mother. I thought back to a time in my life, when my imagination created "the ideal mother". I knew in reality that the person who tucked me in at night, and brought me water, was actually me, but the benevolent mother of my creation was an enormous comfort to me. She nurtured me.

When my daughter was born, it was this aspect of self that taught me how to be a mother. It wasn't easy, because my daughter had colic for 10 months. I was deeply afraid that I would snap, shatter into a million pieces and harm her. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I couldn't repeat history, I couldn't harm another human being. In essence, my daughter taught me the power of love. I became fiercely protective, a mother lioness, albeit a wounded one. My son came along, bringing his own challenges.

Their father was distant, hands off, and finally hands on another woman. I left, taking the children with me. It took every ounce of courage and will to stand strong and be there for them 100%. I worked long hours, sometimes two jobs. I wanted the best for them, a life I'd never had. I became the benevolent mother of my own creation at an enormous price to myself. I loved my children, I hated the child I once was.

The years passed and somehow the three of us made it through some pretty rough times. I clung to the simple miraculous knowledge that despite my early life experiences, I never abused them. Instead, I hated and abused myself, secretly slashing in the darkness, and concealing the evidence. They grew up and became adults, relatively unscathed by the wounded mother who raised them.

They left home, and it was now time for me to discover myself. I left no stone unturned. I explored whatever came my way. I became a Wiccan Priestess, I walked on fire, consulted Shamans, music and dance became a Spiritual Practice, and I opened my heart and my mind to anything and everything that could possibly set me free. I made many mistakes, only to discover that there are no mistakes, only learning experiences.

As a result of all this exploration, two miracles happened for me. The first one allowed me to see my child self for the very first time. She stood before me, looking about 4 years old. She was strong and beautiful. She looked at me with eyes that knew both innocence and wisdom. She showed me another view of her world. It was filled with the beauty of nature, the magic of fairies and a sense of eternity. I opened my arms and reached out to hug her. In that moment we became one and she shared with me a profound sense of Divinity. Since that moment, the child in me lives in my heart. That is where she was meant to be all along.

The second miracle healed an even deeper wound. These simple phrases echoed through my mind.."the Universe is perfect"...."the Universe makes no mistakes"...."I am perfect"..."I am not a mistake"...." there are no mistakes, only growth". Something compelled me to look in the mirror. I saw myself as I had never seen myself before. I was beautiful, bathed in Light. I heard myself saying for the very first time ever in this life "I LOVE MYSELF"  It felt so real, so right...

Now I look back on my life, on the tapestry I have woven and the lessons I have learned. This is going to sound weird, but I realize that everything I experienced was meant to be for me. It taught me compassion. I have a lot to give. It taught me that in the big picture, there is no judgment and no duality.

I can't say that my life has been without problems since then, but I can say from my heart, that I found my own essence, which is the same essence  of innate Divinity that we all share.

I am older, wiser, more balanced. I am still playful, sometimes a little wild, but definitely more connected to something far greater than myself, which for want of a better word, I call the Universe. I look back on my life and realize that even if I had the power to, I wouldn't change a thing.
Moonlightdreamer Moonlightdreamer
41-45, F
4 Responses Nov 29, 2010

I didn't know I could shed tears still. I was here tonight, wallowing in my own sorrow because of my own demons past. Reading this, I am reminded that my path is not one of darkness or sorrow, but of light. thank you for redirecting my energy to more profound work. And, thank you for sharing such a personal account. HUGS

Hugs to you too :) May the Light be your path. Despite many difficult experiences, I have always been able to see the Light in the darkness. I think that's what helped me to become a really positive person. It took a while, but I have learned to love the person I have become :)

A beautifully written account of a true-life story. I like the way that you write because I can understand it well from my perspective even though I do not share your history or perspective. Maybe the words you choose are similar to what I would choose or something. I like to see what it would be like to be another person and you write in a way that lets me experience it from your perspective. That is what I think all writing should be--it should make us truly experience the meaning in the words so we can personally experience another view, this is what I try to do when I write as well, because I am a very misunderstood person and when I write, I often say the same thing in different ways trying to reach some understanding or level of relating so that my perspective can be really understood. <br />
But, you are the(and yes, no ****) first person who has been able to show me what this will feel like from the OTHER end if complete accuracy of ex<x>pression is achieved. <br />
From one spiritual person to another I feel safe using the term, empathic connection. It brings out a bonded feeling that is like a shortcut when compared with long friendship, it makes it faster to feel like you know the person more, in a way....

I really love writing! Thanks for the awesome comment :)

Wow, you are such wonderful people, thanks for your beautiful comments, they make my heart sing and inspire me. Bless you!

I write this comment with small tears of awe in my eyes. I was abused by my third grade teacher and I know it's not as extensive as everyone else's story here. (that's why mine won't be written) The reason why your story speaks to me so much is because I plan to teach early childhood education. My whole school enviornment was bad until after I switched out and I want another kid to have what I didn't have. I mean an abuse outside the home where nobody could ever find out. My serious boyfriend talked about the future with me and he knows my story. Even though when/if we get married (we're 17 and 18 so we're not ready) none of our kids are going to any school that isnt public and because we both can't stand getting yelled at (I get flashbacks but he's never been abused so he just hates it) so nobody's voice is being raised unless it's noisy in there. I can't do what you did as a parent only that's why I'm going into teaching. You gain so much respect from me and you give me so much hope, you're proof that it can all be done this way. Niether of our kids (future, past, or present) will ever post anything on this awareness forum. That alone brings another tear to my mascara brightened eye.