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Not Really a Survivor...

It all started when i was 3 years old. My half-brother was ten years older than me, and he started sexually abusing me. AT THREE! It went on for years, then i finally said something when i was about six. My mom filed a report with the police, and they had a choice of taking me to a foster home, or keeping me. They decided to keep me. The abuse continued. Until I was eight, then I told them again. He ended up going to a rehab for people in his situation, while I started counciling. It seemed to help at the time.

And guess what started happening to me two years ago! My new Step-brother, two years younger than me, started harrassing me!!!! I couldnt believe it! From a different person that knew nothing about my past! He started by coming into my room when i was watching tv, and he would grab my butt. I told him to stop and it was unwanted. He stopped doing that. Then he would come into my room in the morning, and ********** to my body. I was so completely mortified, I just pretended to still be asleep. It has all stopped since then, and as you could probably tell, I still cant get over any of it. The stuff that happened to me in the past, I cant remember any of it. Its blocked out of my memory. But the pain from it is underlying, and it has already ruined my life. Ive been told that Im stuck somewhere at the age of seven. I cant get a job, I quit my junior year of high school, and im on the verge of going to a residential program where they can reprogram the way i think. So, yeah, I wouldnt say that Im a survivor. All I know is that the abuse has finally stopped, and maybe my life can start over again.
sk8tergrl21222 sk8tergrl21222 18-21, T 18 Responses Jan 29, 2008

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Well, my friend, I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you may never fully "get over" the horrible things that have happened to you. You will probably always remember it. The good news is that it does not have to define you. There's so much more to you than this. You have the potential to be a completely different person than the monsters who hurt you. You have potential for so much good. You can find peace. You may never forget, but you can start again.

I never did understand the term "survivor" of child abuse. In my personal experience, it's not being a survivor because it carries with you. My adopted mother told me when I was being abused by them, not to make myself a "victim." <br />
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I am truly sorry for what you went through. And just know that there are people who want to be there for you, even if it is only online. We care. About YOU.

Go to the program. Don't be ashamed of it either. You need to get out of that house and away from everyone, including your mother. You are most certainly a survivor....what you havent started doing is healing but thats NOT your fault. How can you in the environment that you are in? Please go to the residential home. They do not "reprogram" you they help you tostart healing. Please.....

Its you that needs to attend a rehab. You have a wounded inner child that will sabotage you all ur life. You need to be given the tools to deal with this that u cant get from people who are sick themselves. Seek a rehab stay.

Hi, thank you so much sharing this. I'm 25 and I basically had to pull a Don Draper and completely reinvent myself because of my abusive childhood. I really hope things have gotten better for you since you posted this. <br />
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It's really, really hard but I think it gets better once you get through the worst. The best part is realizing no one can ever hurt you like that again. <br />
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Hug

I wish you the best from now on, in your new life :) ... Many hugs my dear >:D<

I feel you empathy, it is your body and jerks need to respect that, I am sorry that it happen to you at a early age like 3, wow it is a shame that you could even remember something so tramatic like that, I BLESS YOU.

If you'd like to check it out I too have a blog about abuse. http://solegroup.blogspot.com/

Man, that really suck but you were very brave for saying something so young! Good job. My suggestion, don't live with any of those boys again, if you are now, i dont know how old you are but if your old enough, get the hell out of there. You shouldnt have to face that person everyday or anything in that case. But don't just run away from it, write a letter or talk to them some how and let them know it was wrong, some closure i guess is what im saying.

I have no right to comment here and cannot begin to understand how you feel. My abuse was not sexual but physical. It affects what I do and how I do it to this day...It has made me who I am.<br />
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But I am not a bad person...in fact most people like me and think I'm kinda interesting. Skater girl, I don't think you're a bad person either...You are articulate, intelligent, funny and...interesting....So don't let the bastards win....begin by recognizing your value and imagine the contribution you can make....Maybe you can begin by helping others here on EP....people with similar problems....<br />
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Nancy Drew is right...hold on tight...You have to believe better days are coming....Peace

diophantine, what a horribly cruel person you are. Its people like you that suck the life out of people! You must be battling with demons somewhere....but ur battle is making you go to a dark place. If you cant say something constructive, please dont say anything at all.....for her to share and confess her fragile state is amazing, productive, positive and we are here to support. If you are in that attic...i hope you will at least let some light in.

I'm proud of you because you fight all of that "ERROR " in your past... I love when you said "All I know is that the abuse has finally stopped, and maybe my life can start over again. " <br />
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I know you can start over and a beautiful new life... I don't know if it is ok to post a link here so try to search in google search engine and read it... Or search the Thank God For Ebooks

Really liked your comment and that is what I hope for my granddaughter

You are a survior and finding a helpful solution can show you that you are well on the way to recovering. Pray and let that higher power fill in and help you where it is needed. Bless you in your journey to recovery.

sk8tergirl,<br />
I have no real idea of how you cope day to day. But I'd like to encourage you and say you've helped me.<br />
I was lucky to grow up in a great family with no abuse. I'm writing a play about child sex abuse so i'm trying to do some research. And your story has helped me already, so thank you for that.<br />
As I said, I have NO real idea of what it means to live with abuse, but I can tell that it seems like you're standards are pretty high. I can see the following already as great acheivements you've made:<br />
a) you spoke up about the abuse when you were 6! How brave is that? I'm so impressed.<br />
b) you haven't lost your sense of humour. I can tell from even the way you tell this story that you are seeing just how ridiculous the whole thing is, even though it is so damaging. Seeing the madness about it all seems quite appropriate and healthy.<br />
c) you're telling your story and you're already looking for ways to heal yourself. This is pro-active, and with this sort of attitude you're going to get past this as quickly as you can.<br />
So all I can say is keep on keeping and know that you are an inspiration and a hero to others.<br />
X<br />
Mark.

OMG! that is harsh. i feel really sorry for you having to go through that.

All of us that have gone through it seem to have something in our body language that tells predators "wounded prey here". It's like they can smell us.<br />
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My brothers were conditioned by our household to be sexually abusive, but they realized it in time to get some help (with varying degrees of success). The help provided is not 100% effective, but it's better than nothing. <br />
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One thing that does help is being aware of the pain and facing it. You would be surprised how often we lapse back into patterns we're familiar with when we aren't paying attention. Even when we don't want those patterns. <br />
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Eyes open! Don't let yourself slip! And good luck.

Def. Survivor: A person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks. I am not this.

Not yet, but , like Nancy said, better days are coming. Stick with the therapy, and give yourself a chance.

You are in the process of surviving. The day will come when you can truly say I survived! Have faith in your own power. Hold on tight, better days are coming.