My Mother Destroyed Me

When I was a child my mother abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. She used to beat me in the face and head, call me names, pull my hair and made me believe I was worthless. For most of my childhood, I didn't realize I was being abused. I guess I just thought it was normal. I think my mother has some sort of metal illness and I'm not sure if she even realizes she abused me. If she were to be confronted, I know she would deny it. She is a compulsive liar and has denied other things I have confronted her about. I hate her, but in some ways I still love and care about her. The woman has warped my mind. I don't function normally in social situations or life in general and I blame it on her. She broke me down, before I was ever built up. I blocked a lot the abuse from my mind, but as the years pass I remember more and more details. I guess I Just wasn't ready to deal with the abuse until later in life. I don't really want to deal with it now but I assume remembering these things will allow me to heal. I don't think I will ever forgive her for all the terrible things she did to me. Now, I have to ask was My father blind to all this abuse? He worked a lot and the more I think about it I guess he wasn't usually home when the physical abuse occurred. But, I know he was around when some of the verbal abuse took place. It just isnt right for a mother to call her dauhter all the terrible names that are used to degrade women. I guess he is almost as guilty as her. It is a terrible thing to have hate for your parents. I wonder, if my mother was abused as child. I guess I'm searching for some reasoning behind the abuse. In conflicts, my first instint is to hit. She did this to me; she made me this way. At times, I really do feel worthless. I am just searching for someone to love me and to care about me. My parents usually become physical with each other during arguments. It is almost like violence is the only thing I know. I fear the thought of ever having a child of my own. Would I hurt my own child as I was hurt? I just can't understand why anyone would hurt a child the way I was hurt. There are many details I'm just not ready to talk about. I want to heal and be able to live a happy life. The scars may fade, but they will always be there. I know the abuse I received is nothing compared to what some children go through. I'm deeply saddened at the thought of other children being abused. I know so many have suffered terrible fates. They are in my thoughts and prayers.
AyselMoonbaby AyselMoonbaby
31-35, F
140 Responses Mar 18, 2011

Reading your 'story' was like re-living my childhood, we had very similar experiences. My abuse/mistreatment by my mother began when I was 5yrs old, well that's the first time I remember her slapping me across my arm, it never stopped after that, it only got worse. She was physically, emotionally & verbally abusive towards me & I don't know why. I was a good kid, no trouble but she would lay into me whenever it suited her, mostly when my dad was at work. I always felt scared & unsafe when my dad wasn't home. My siblings were treated totally different, one was ' the princess' & the other' the 'angel', the son my dad wanted. I was the punching bag. My 'spirit' was destroyed/murdered as a child, I developed suicidal thoughts & wished I was dead. Eventhough my mother treated me this way, I still loved her, craved her love & affection, I didn't get it. I have tried to rebuild my life the best I can, I hide my scars well but my pain is still present. I have a child & wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to her, saying that, I'm not the mother I hoped I would be. I don't know how to love like I should, how can I when I'm just a shell of a person. I have sabotaged any relationship that I've been in & only seem to attract or be interested in men that I know will guarantee me emotional pain. I don't have any interest in the men that I know would treat me well, like a queen, it's like I feel that I don't deserve to be loved. I crave love, affection of a male partner but I don't think that'll ever happen, I've got my guard up & won't let it down. I feel so empty & life just throws challenge after challenge at me...I haven't been living but existing. I have done well but not well enough, I'm at my wits end now, nothing is going right & death can't come soon enough. I really wish I wasn't here anymore, my existence just gets more painful by the year. I'm turning 48 in a couple of days & I really wish I don't see another birthday. My mother has never owned up to anything she ever did to me, yet I was always covered in bruises. She has conveniently told relatives that I have mental issues & that I have been treated for's a total lie because she doesn't want to be confronted with the truth. I was hoping I would outgrow this torture but I think she'll get her way in the end...destroying my existence. I have no fight left in me...

Don't worry many people including me and your child are here for you. Just hang in there. With love,


Hello. The story of your abuse and how you feel about it could be mine! My mother also abused me in the ways you describe, and also made me vulnerable to sexual abuse by random men. It was by sheer luck and my own wits that I wasn't raped as a child. I also can't understand how my father didn't notice what was going on and intervene to stop it. Same as yours, he also worked a lot, but that's no excuse. I also react violently to some behaviours when I don;t feel safe, and chose not to have my own children as I was afraid I would end up treating them as my mother treated me. I haven't spoken with anyone about this, not even my husband of 26 years! But please feel a bit secure in that you are not alone in your experience and feelings, and I hope you will live an exciting and fulfilling life.

I'm going through that currently...

Hello ... My name is Andreana Komis and I was given a divine gift to write. I'm now 95000 words in the writing and 37 chapters. I have been abused since I was 13 .. I 'm writing a book..! I hope you find it one day..! The Lord wanted me to tell you. you have something very special and he is going to open a door ..! So you Can finally understand why you went through what you went through but better yet..! The Lord cares for you and wants you to now he Loves you and that your not a 0 as your mother had you think your 100% in all that you can do and be..! I hope we can talk one day..:)

hi i need to ask something well i dont know if its abuse or not but my mother keeps grabbing my boobs and she always calls me a b**** she told me to go **** myself im lucky compared to u but sometimes i just wanna run away and she walks around naked and its super gross and i tell her to stop but she refuses and she asks really gross questions and stuff and says really gross stuff like i have sucked heaps of penises and i tell her tostop but she wont and she keeps getting pissed off at me for nothing like i sprayed a spider cuz it was in the toilet and she was like how dare u spray spiders in my house u murderer plz someone tell me if grabbing my body like that and talking like that is abuse

Hello. Yes, what you describe is definitely sexual abuse. Your mother shouldn't behave in any of the ways you describe. Tell someone you can trust outside of your family, and take care.

I can relate so much to this story.
Beleive it or not, I was just abused a few moments ago. The reason is because of something so stupid you'll just be like "Wow, that's so unnecessary".

Almost everyday after school, I get home, do my homework, and usually take a 2-3 hour nap to kill time until dinner is ready at 6.
My mother say it is NOT okay for me to take naps because sleeping in the day will result of me not being able to sleep at night. BULLSHIT.
Genially, I am a VERY sleepy person by nature.
Moments ago, I was horribly slapped and pulled by my hair and almost getting a black eye just for sleeping.
My eyes are bloodshot at the moment. Best week to start off a new year. 2016, here I come.
I came online to seek help because thats the only escape for me.

Have a good-day to you all.

Bro my father whipped me like a horse noone has suffered as much as i did I had deep cuts everywhere used to bleed everyday he even tried to slaughter me when i was small do u know how it feels when someone puts you on the ground with a sharp knife on your throat trying to slaughter you i was scared of police because i live in Qatar and i don't speak arabic time flew i got used to the beatings it stopped for a while because i started to fight back physically and then I would see my father telling my mother that she bore disrespectful kids now im 18 and i got whipped yesterday with wooden stick with a metal point at bottom the injury looks so bad why did he beat me? Because I was giving my food to kittens again today he used the same stick to hit me on my head he hit me so hard I started hearing noises my ears seem to be blocked I can still hear I don't know what's wrong but my parents think its all my fault

I wish I were in Quatar, I would come slap your father silly, tar him, and feather him. You don't deserve it ! Move out as soon as you can. You're a good boy and worth more than that ! You keep feeding the cats ! Your father was most likely beaten by his father. It's wrong ! He's sick in his head.

I feel so sorry for you. I'm 15 and I get hurt from my parents, like beat and a lot more. My best suggestion for you is to move out so you would not get hurt.

It her !! She's out of her gourd. Call the cops and file assault charges. What a control freak. Damn it ! sleep if you need to ! So sorry.

1 More Response

Wow, sounds like your life as a child was a disaster, I really feel for you. I love my mom but hate her as well. Since just a few moments ago, she strangled me and scratched my face.

Call the police ! That will teach her a lesson she'll not soon forget. Do it for her ! Maybe she'll get the opportunity to see what her own child abuse and led her to.

Dear Aysel,
I grew up with the same mother and father. I moved away from home at the age of 14 and that was the happiest day in my life.
I can say today as an adult who started psychotherapy and started to understand why I am the way I am. Why I always try to auto-destruct my normal healthy relationships. When you stop and started to reflect inwards with professional help, you learn to let go of the past and change the sick and twisted views which were forced upon you by your unstable parents.
You have the power to change anything you want and move on in life to become YOU! But the only way to do this is by looking for help and healing.
I strongly advise you search for help, YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!

I'm 37 today!

I'm so very happy for you :) I was born with an incurable genetic disorder. My mother both loved and hated me. My father too. I was a very sick baby. Always crying. They had hell with me. As I grew older so the treatment I was on started making mer healthier. When I was five my parents had my sister. When my mom came home with the baby, I tried to hug my mom but hurt her, not knowing she had a c-section cut. My dad threw me into a wall. My life got really crappy after that. My friends stepdad molested me. I told my mom but she said I was making it up. My little sister always used to get me into trouble with my parents and I started hating her. She still hates me as i used to bully her. My mom was abused as a kid and had a lot of rage in her. She spent her rage on me. I look like her and she hated how she looked and therefore hated how I looked. My brother and sister are slender and tall. Both good looking. I am fat, very ugly and not very social. My mom used to punch me in the face, hit me with hockey sticks, beat me with whips, pinch me, slap me in the face etc. She humiliated me when i had my first period at age 9 and when i developed breasts. She scolded me for being dirty and disgusting. I wasn't allowed to say anything. My greatest passion is singing. But because I was always yelled at to shut up I never had the confidence to pursue my dreams. As an adult I was very dysfunctional. I started self harming as a teen to try and relieve some of my emotional anguish. My first relationship was with a guy who beat me up and broke me down....just as my parents had done. My father still puts me down, even though I have made a success of my life. My mother died a few years ago. In all of this I found that God was always there for me. He has always loved me. Its been hard but I now have my own family and I do my best to love my kids and encourage them. There is hope.

Me too..but not that bad...My Name Is Destiny and I live with my mother because my mom and dad divorced. My mom hitted me..when I was trying to keep my lil sisters quiet. I texted my sis and told her..I asked her why am I not dead?..I'm Suicidal.. I only get suicidal when my mom hits me or I'm being bullied. My mom spoils my lil sis that is 1 year younger then me...I barely have any Lil Sis has other Lil Sis is 6..she cares about me...I have 6 sisters and 1 brother.. My Mom And Her Abusive Husband Is The People I Live With. I want to live with my dad because he cares about me and doesn't hit me. My mom is a veteran. I Love My Mom But She Sometimes Hits Me

I know this is an old post but I started crying reading it. I block my memories out that relate to my mom. I could have written this except with an absentee dad. It was just my mom. I was the oldest and I took the brunt of it. What kept me from moving out immediately when I turned 18 was the fact I couldn't bear to leave my little brothers behind. So many times I stood between them and her to keep her from hitting them and she hit me instead. I despise her but love her. It's a tormenting feeling. I grew up thinking it's normal and one day years later out on my own I realized how abnormal it was. I'm 31 with my own children and I'll admit my first instinct is to scream or hit bc it's all I ever knew. I have to work hard and walk away to fight that instinct. I love my children more than life and don't want them to grow up with those knots in their stomach. That fear. We were a huge inconvenience to my mom and she made sure to let us know verbally, emotionally, and physically. To this day I don't function well in social situations either. I have social anxiety and Im certain it's a product of my environment growing up. I sometimes wonder who I would have been or how my personality would have been shaped if things had been differently. I'm so sorry to read your story and to hear how many other people went through something like this. It's not something that just leaves you easily. I know for me it helped shaped me in good and bad ways but there is a lot of sadness that I will carry for the rest of my life due to my abuse.

I was in the same situation. I am now 65 years old and still dealing with the physical abuse done to me by my mother. My parents were divorced when I was age 2, so I don't even know if my father was aware of all this. Even when I tried to talk to him about it, he forbid the discussion of anything about my mother.

The same was and is happening to me but I can't reach out I can't say anything it would make it so so much worse and even afraid of my own death.

Please get help. You are so young to be without help. Any way of living, in a foster home or whatever, will be safer for you.

I'm sorry to hear what you had to endure while you were growing up. I'm 35 and I the same was beat with a belt many times. I don't understand why my mother would do this to me and my other siblings My father was paranoid. He would ignore what was happening. i guess he was to abused by my mother. Im not saying my mother wasnt a monster. She was so loving towards all of us. But she had her momemts. She passed away 13 years ago. And I wouldn't do anything to see her just one more time. My point is its not your fault. From just reading your story you seem to be a wonderful person. Don't let this ruin your life. Your not your mother. You can see by all of these responses your not alone. Lift your head up high. You have our support. Make everyday count. Change what was wrong by doing right. You deserve everything in what life has to offer. Im a great person i dont let this interfer with my life. you make your own future. You can do this have strength. Your friend Christopher God bless :)

I had a very similar childhood to you. I have a son and I am a single parent. Thankfully I have never hit my child, because it is very wrong and I know what it does to your mind later in life. I am an angry adult....angry at everyone inside....and suffered with depression most of my life. I have to take antidepressants otherwise I just could not function on a daily basis. I never felt loved by my mother. The hurt never goes away. I seem to gravitate towards people who are not good for me....who hurt me emotionally and use me. I have since decided to stay on my own and that way no one can hurt me again. But I am lonely and this just adds to my depression.

Its really hard growing up being starved of love and affection. You end up looking for it in all the wrong places and all the wrong faces. I finally found true love in Christ. He blessed me with a loving husband and kids. May you be blessed too <3

I went through the same abuse I am 47 years of age and over the years I have had problems with detachment issues that have affected my children and relationships it's only by self harm and my children who are now adults themselves that have opened up to me how I have made them feel I love my children so much so when they told me yhey feared for years not knowing if they were going to wake up and find me dead because of my savere depression brought on through my childhood traumas that I realised I was hurting them as much has my parents had hurt me in a different way so I agreed to get help I attended councelling and I do a course for counselling which has helped me change my whole conscept of the way I think my kids are so happy and I am I have my ups and downs especially of late my dad died and I'd cut my parents out of my life for years because I couldn't cope with the constant abuse and I let mum back into my life she was ok for a few months then started it all again I have recently decided to let go of my relationship with my mum because I carnt change her values and how she thinks and behaves but I can me it hurt and iv stopped blaming myself for her behaviour but I now I have altered my life for the better and my kids and grandkids are so happy with me I love them unconditionally and they have supported me every step of the way I recently got a diagnosis dissociated personality disorder which because iv bloke so much out over the years I have a form of amnisa and some memory's flood back without thought all this is due to childhood and adulthood traumas I'm a serviver so are you love and I am happy with who I am finally my life has started all over again and for the first time in my life I have let go of the anger that I felt inside that provent ed me from living my life and being able to function normally so let go of the emotions that keep you trapped in your past and learn to accept yourself love because I bet your a fantastic mum and a good person who's just not been allowed to be you x

I have been abused by both of my parents mainly my Dad until my patents split. Ever since my Dad moved out it hasn't been the same. My Mom started being really mean to me after my older sister moved out. My Mom started yelling at me and saying everything is my fault even if I didn't do anything wrong or I had nothing to do with the situation. She would get really mad at me and scream at me and then hit me and pull my hair and throw me to the ground. Sometimes she hitts me, kicks me, pulls my hair, punches me and bashes my head multiple times against the wall. I have had so many bruises and scars on my body. I don't know what to do. I have often thought of suicide but I knew that it wouldn't be right to do that. My sister beats me 2 she's my 2nd older sister. When ever I get blamed for something I get beaten and I passed out once because my Mouth and nose was covered and I was screaming I can't breathe. I tried to move around to get out of it but then my Mom or sisters grip on my face gets harder. I have told my friends about it and my gramma but no one has done anything I am sick of being abused. It hurts and almost every night I cry myself to sleep because it hurts. I go 2 school with bruises and scars and people ask me what happened and I have to make something up. Please help I am only 15 and I need help. 😢

You can get help through school this isn't your fault even if they like to make you feel like it is you are 15 years of age it's down to our parents to love us unconditionally no matter what we do you are one step future to helping your situation because you have made your first move by telling everybody on here what's happening which is really good now you have to take that next step and report it to school or even a women's centre who will help you .Also this is abuse and you have that rights to ring the police sometimes all it takes is acknowledging that you are not going to accept this from the ones you love and they will probe rely deny this is happening but stay strong love and think about yourself don't be another child living in silence make a stand but you carnt do it alone . You can even call social services who will make sure you are not living like this you love your parents but don't protect their behaviour by not acting on their behaviour towards you .It's your parents whom are wrong not you love .You have rights to have a say over how you live so good luck love and if you feel sad or need more information just let me now love your a strong girl for speaking out love x

I know the feeling. I am the eldest in the family and also have autism. My mom physically laid her hands on me. She grabbed my face, pinch my arm a lot of times, grabbed my neck and even slapped me. This all happened when I was in elementary school and lasted until my sophomore or junior year of high school. She gets angry very easily and still denies abusing me to this day. She makes excuses as to why the abuse happened such as me not listening to her or me getting mad at her. As for my dad, like your dad was more involved in his job and to me, he is equally guilty because he didn't do anything to protect me or tell my mom to stop hitting me. He also is not very patient with me and while he has never physically abused me, he has verbally and emotionally abused me by mocking me and has even said that I am annoying because I told him on a family trip when we were eating that I changed my mind on getting dessert because I know that he cares more about his money. He has called me spoiled, ungrateful and even told me to shut up. He claims to care about me but his behavior tells me a different story. He has locked me in our storage room multiple times when I was in elementary school and middle school. He doesn't really spend a lot of time with me even though I am his son. He preferred to go to a bible study rather than go see me play water polo at States my senior year of high school. He has never been an affectionate person. They may have met my physical needs but what is really lacking is my emotional needs. I am currently going to therapy and I have explained to my therapist that I resent my parents for treating badly when I was younger. My parents think that I want people to feel sorry and my mom has said that eventually no one will believe my story. I know that one day, my parents will realize that what they did was wrong. Also I am Asian in case if you are wondering about my race and my parents are Asian as well.

People will believe you love don't let your parents convince you that this is acceptable because you are a good person and nobody deserves this abuse no matter of race colour or religion and don't be afraid to go for help the wellwomen centres help they believe in cultural diversity we are all equals love and we are not going to be victims x


Me too. My mother would smack me on the back of the head of she thought I was being dumb or disobedient. Not hard enough to leave a mark.. Just hard enough to feel like a worthless pice of crap. I also suffered different abuse from my father, and I often wondered the same thing... About did my mother not know about the abuse? Or did she turn a blind eye? I will never know. But I too hate my parents... From the abuse I got from my father he is now in jail. And it's not exactly the same.. But it does feel good to know he's there, and not free to hurt others.

Same thing has happen to me I cant get over the fact that why would she do this to me her only daughter it seems like she dont love me how a daughters suppose to be loved it hurts me in side and it has effected me in life and I dont know how to get over this /: im 18 know but when this all started I was very young maybe 4th grade and ill confront her and she denies everything I also have a daughter I tell my self almost every day ill never be like her and this abuse still goes on till this day ihave alot of hate for her my dad was never in this picture but he knows how she is

I understand your pain I was a victim for years by my parents .I am now a volunteer with women just like us that through no fault of there own have been subject to abuse leaving them feeling isolated and living a disfunction al worthless life trying to deal with a detachment because our parents didn't show us the unconditional positive regard you deserved as a child the only way of letting go and moving on with your life is by getting some counselling to help you let go of your feelings and thoughts once you have done this you will be free from feeling still like a victim instead you will be a serviver and that feels good love I am who I am because of my abuse I help others because it helps me I like the feel good factor and I now in time once you have accepted yourself and your own flaws then you can live your life to the full letting go is hard but keeping your past thoughts and emotions are sole destroying good luck love the wellwomen centres help women to take there control back and leaves you feeling empowered x

I hate my brother forever for all the rotten things he did to many I can't even count anymore. I pray he wakes up and in the meantime, forgets I ever existed.

my mom is normally nice to me but when she's drunk, she hates me. She makes me feel selfish and useless, she criticizes everything i am and screams at me. She has gotten so drunk that i had to dress her while crying my eyeballs out, please don't do this to your child, it's abuse.

That is happening to me right now who should I call I want to live with my dad forever my mom always does that to me I need to call someone I need help someone text me 8306131898

What does she do to you though

if your mom abuses you, call kids help phone 1-800-668-6868 they can help

I know this post was years ago but I want to say you are not alone in your story. I had a very similar childhood to you. I have been a violent adult, with my boyfriend. It almost destroyed that relationship but I desperately wanted to break free from the behaviours I had been taught were normal. I went to therapy, I broke at times, but seeing stories like yours makes me feel strong in that I am not a complete freak and also that we can break that cycle. Good luck, you are so much stronger than the corrupted way you were raised.

Hi, I'm 13 and my parents physically/emotionally abuse me (my dad is worse than my mom) and I am scared of my dad, and sometimes my mom. All my friends parents are so supportive and kind, while I come home everyday to my hell on this earth. It's summer vacation now and I just got out of Algebra with a B and now all day and all night my parents come to beat me up and say mean things to me and they say it's because I'm stupid for getting a B in that class. I have no one to turn to and my only option is to wear my fake *** facade everyday and hope that there is a god in heaven.

I'm 13 too and i get emotionally abused every time my parents get drunk. When i steal their alcohol to throw it away they get so pissed! If you need someone to talk to just message me.

When our parents leave earth to meet god hell tell them what they had done to us and god will deal with them up their but for know its just us by ourselfs my mom calls me ugly she puts my self esteem to 0 im scared to wear high hills kus they might say im to ugly to wear those I want to feel good about my self and wear cute clothes iwanna do my hair and wear make up but im scared to see what everyone says and its because my mom ruined my confidence

My mom ruined me... And my dad. They stand in my bedroom door screaming insults, telling me that I'm worthless. They never feel sorry and I hate them both

You aren't alone. My mom physically and verbally abused me from when I started elementary school up to my last two years of high school. My dad to this day denies abusing me but he actually did abuse me verbally and allowed my mom to physically hurt me and told me that I deserve it because I didn't listen to them. He is very immature for a 51 year old man when he gets mad and manipulates and twists my words. My mom said, "Keep telling people that your parents abused you and eventually no one will believe you." They both have very serious anger issues and never bothered to take steps to correct the problem. Some of my Christian friends say that even though my parents abused me, they loved me. That's bs because I have suffered so much through the years. In two weeks I am seeing a psychiatrist to hopefully seek answers and live a good life. No matter what you do, don't be afraid to speak up because that's what I am doing. People need to know that abuse whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or sexual is not ok. I want to be a better man than my father and raise kids without hurting them.

Hello, I am going to school to be a Psychologist that deals specifically with aspects about the family.
One of the things that's taught, is that all abusers in one way or another communicate that the victim is "worthless." And you even stated that you feel that way.
They do not see the truth that every human being is created equal and cherished in the eyes of God.

The abuser also lives in denial; believing that they are a good person. They believe that they are a cut above all the rest. Yet if you were to confront them and tell them they're evil- they will either deny it and lash out, or they will throw a pity party and use that to manipulate you into thinking "you hurt them."

One thing that does a lot of damage is when people say that the victim needs to befriend and even be intimate with their abuser.
But even if they are in the same family- that is not an obligation whatsoever. In fact if an emotional bond is created between the victim and abuser, it leads to Stockholm Syndrome: where the victim tolerates the abuse patterns and even starts to believe it is normal and they "deserve" to be treated this way.
This can lead to the abuse getting repeated where the victim perpetrates it to his/her own future children.

I tell my clients this:
The key is to get grounded in the truth. Because you have been sold a good of lies. You have been psychologically and spiritually damaged and it's time to get healing from none other than God himself.
The worth that every human being has, is bound up in the fact that they are created in God's image to glorify him, rather than be consumed by an abuser.

in order to have a relationship and be healed by the living God, we must all repent of the abuse that we have put upon him, by sinning and breaking his heart.

*Because of everyone's sin (lying,stealing,lusting,hatred) we are all deserving of Hell. We have broke God's moral law but we can be accepted and forgiven by God only by the works of his son Jesus Christ.
Nothing you can physically do will make him accept you into his heavenly kingdom.
You simply have to repent (turn from) your sin, and put your trust in Jesus Christ as the savior that paid for your lawlessness.*

Once you do that- God promises that you will be forgiven.
Then you will have the *capability* to forgive others including your abuser.
Because the antidote to hurt- is forgiveness.

This hit home for me. It is mothers day and I recently got a stocking order on my biological mother because the abuse lasted well into adulthood and I finally had to get her out before these feelings of worthlessNess took my own life.
It is a hard day for me because all friends and family around me are so thankful for their mothers but I am just happy she can no longer hurt me. The first step is the hardest and it will always be there the hurt and confusion but I refuse to belive that it doesn't get better. I hope all works out for you, are not alone. There is a lot of us out there hurting badly.

I know what it's like and I wish there was a way to feel better and have more confidence at work without having to do adderall everyday. My mother always gave me mixed messages. Told me I was stupid for daydreaming in class meanwhile I was just depressed and had ADD. Then she would feel bad and tell me how smart I really am after she abused me. Every time I would fish for compliments from her she would act indifferent and leave me hanging. I always wanted to model and when one day during a fight with her when I was 12 she told me that I would never be able to model because I'm no raving beauty and that I'm only attractive and that's not enough and then began to say I had an ugly chin. Then when i was raped at 15 she told me that I was a ***** and must have enjoyed it. She denies saying this to me till this day. Now during fights she likes to tell me that the reason I'm not married at 44 is because men only want to screw me and want nothing else to do with me. My mother always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Then there was the physical abuse, punched me in the back so hard once she knocked the air out of my lungs. Tore my favorite dress into shreds. Always told me I was just like my pos father. Always told me what a pod he was but I didn't need to hear it at the age of 11, true or not.

I now suffer with chronic fatigue syndrome, anxiety, violent imaginations and loneliness. I had to move back at home with her a few years ago until I could get on my feet. I'm looking to buy a condo now but I'm so afraid of things going wrong and having bad luck at work and I blame these fears on my mother. It's not easy to get passed. I'm very envious of younger people who make more money than me and who also had the emotional support of their family. My family is broken and distant from me. I sometimes wonder if we didn't have social media if they would even remember I exist. They probably think I'm a superficial attention ***** because of what I post online, but I feel that I'm not here to please them anyway so let them hate what I enjoy, and I'll enjoy their hatred and judgement. It gives me power because ive come to the point of enjoying bringing out negative feelings in people who like to judge. I know they judge me which makes me want to be saucey, extravagant, flippant, provocative, boastful and entitled.

I'm trying to have faith in myself so I can get away from my mother and have my own place. I just don't know where to start. I'm so afraid of not being able to pay my mortgage if I have a bad month at work. I hate my mother.

My heart goes out to you, my parents destroyed my life too,,,,beat me as a child and as an adult...Verbally abused me and made me feel worthless. That is why I married a fat **** who was a lawyer who took my kids away from me. I live with my parents now to save monies and pray everyday they should go to heaven. Prayer parents were in a fatal accident and were not hurt but shaken up, my mother stopped verbally abusing me, they favored my sister who is a 20 ***** for 20 years and demeaned my engineering and MBA. In fact my mother called me a ***** when my sister. Has been a high class hooker for more than 20 years, my parents are both jealous of me and I pray they should vanish from my eye sight, my parents helped my sister buy a penthouse and pay for her children's weddings like 50000 dollars while refused to give me a nickel, because I felt worthless I ended up working for the welfare department in new york. I hate my parents and my ex husband who took advantage of my non supportive parents to screw me in custody court, despite the fact that I do not see my own children I still write them letters to let them know that I love them and adore them, I put monies in the envelope and tell my kids that I will always cherish them for life. My mother is mentally I'll. Call her a kooky father is a narcisisti sister is a hooker for 20 years .... And my ex husband is a mobster who used his law practice as a cover,,,, I hated my life.....however I keep my hopes high because I know that one day my kids will be mine and the house my parents own will be mine too.....I do believe in karma and believe that abusers get theres....triple doses,,,,I was happy when my parents had a fatal accident....there is a god in heaven.

I was slapped, kicked, spit on, screamed at, pushed down stairs, called awful names, etc. throughout my "childhood". I do not do these things to my kids. Ever. I, like you, believe that mother was mentally ill. I think if she had spent less time acting like a psycho, and more time getting herself some help, her and I may still have a relationship today. I should mention that I cut her completely out of my life when I was 19. I'm 44 now-do the math. Her loss. When my kids starting realizing that their friends and schoolmates had grandmas, they starting asking questions, I told them the truth about her. How could I not?

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my mother also destroyed me too, and i was like only 12 years old. idk what's wrong with her but she always abused me such as kick me with her foot in my face, pulled my hair so hard, pinch me until it turns purple, and push me so hard until i hit so many stuff. i just think my mother is cruel, i even think about running away from my house because of my mother. also my dad is kinda stupid because even tho he saw my mother abused me, he always just sit there and do nothing. its gets me depressed about all this, not only that, but i have a lot of haters in my school and 2 guys played my heart. i mean like, IM ONLY 12!!!!!!!!! im not ready for this kinda stupid things, and it doesn't even make me change if you abuse me. my mother always said they really thankfull to have a PERFECT daughter like me, and i was like, "PERFECT", seriously, i make mistakes everyday and you always say that i never right, only you who always said that you always right, AND YOU CALL THAT PERFECT!! WTF!!! i hate my life right now.

Your dad is no better if he just sits there and lets this woman (wife or not) treat you that way. I'm so sorry. Sending virtual hugs. ((((( )))))

It will be ok. I promise. You never deserve to be treated that way, no matter what your parents might try to tell you. Freedom will come one day, and you will be able to control what they can do to you. Talk to your school counsellor.. I wish I had felt like that was ok at your age! You have no reason to feel ashamed or disloyal for telling someone what is happening to you. It might help scare your parents into at least stopping the physical abuse.

i am so sorry for the bottom of my heart I am 65 years of age and all I do is cry because I feel so much shame how I watched my father beat my mother, my sister, and sleep with my other sister. I was an angry mother with my older daughter, never let her do anything, I was always depressed, she blames me now for her two failed marriages, and her autoimmune disease. Their are days I want to end my life, but I am to much of a coward to do it. I know it would only hurt my daughter even more, so I can't do that to her. I should have never been a mother because I never really never learned to love, or how to give it. My childhood was taken, I took my daughter's. She is 42 and she never wants to have children because of her childhood. How could I have heard her so much.

At least you're willing to admit to harming your child. That's a step in the right direction.

My prayers are with you because I truly understand because I have been there. My father and mother abused me and my mom allowed my dad to do the things he did to me. If I ever said, "No" I would get beat, hair pulled while she was screaming in my ears. I slept in my closet with my Mrs. Beasley doll to hide from him many times and my doll protected me. She said horrible things to me and told me I was the worst child she had and I was the "fat one". There are a couple of things I cannot remember such as my "first" time which is to protect my mental state which I suppose is a good thing. I recall standing on the outside of my body and kept wishing I could help that "poor little girl" (which was me) but I couldn't. I pray you continue with your therapy and I am definitely staying in mine because it may let up but never goes away. Those horrid memories are burned into my mind. If you'd like to stay in touch you're welcome to. It helps when there is someone who actually understands the pain.

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Hey, I relate to a lot of the things you say here. My parents abused me too and I can't forgive them.. I still have nightmares a lot.. I just wonder why it has to be like this for some people.. I wish I could be normal but I know I never will be.

I know this is an old post. But I feel your pain all too well. I was physically, mentally and verbally abused by my stepmother and father. Even before the abuse I witnessed abuse as a very young child. I don't remember much about that time but I do still have same feelings as I did then. My father pyschially abused my mother to the point she would use drugs to be numb to the abuse. And it was his fault why she was pushed that far. But that is a whole other story. The abuse towards me started when my father met my stepmother. Everything was great for the first couple months. My mother was out of the picture so I looked to my stepmother to take on the role. I was only a 7 year old girl. then everything went to hell and I thought I would never escape her hold over me. She had told me I couldn't hug my father or call him "daddy". I became a huge daddy's girl after my mother left not knowing any better. So she took the only person I had away after the first 6 months. Then she went on to tear me down everyday in anyway possible. She would punch me in the face when I needed discipline for something any child would do. She would pull me around by my hair. My father used to do that also. She would tell me I wasn't worthy of living. She would tell me so many times noone loved me, and I didn't know what love is. She would tell me she wishes I would die. She would tell me if I told my dad she would have him get rid of me. she chopped my all my hair off for disrespecting my father and not completing her outrageous punishment. She told me when I was 14 years old that one of us would be dead by the time i turn 18. I had to learn to wash my clothes by myself at 8 years old because she was tired of washing my stuff. I used to have accidents every night in bed and she would tell my father I was to lazy to go to the bathroom. But Really it was Only Because my nerves were shot. It got to the point I would eat old food in our extra refrigerator because I couldnot be around her without her abusing me in some way. The only time I was safe is when my father was there. I was punished for 9 months for not cleaning my room. Then another time was 6 months. But they ended up breaking up several times. And every time my dad left her he started to drink heavy and be abusive towards me and my brother. My father even told me he hopes i get raped. Then denied it. I would cry in the corner as kid because he would kick my brother in his once broken leg with steel toe boots. My brother can now only laugh when he is scared or being hurt. I have several mental problems. I my mind detaches even from my own body. There was one time my stepmother actually got caught by someone who called cps for her giving me a black eye at 11-12 years old for lying about having an accident. I went to live with an aunt for 6 months until my dad moved out. Then once my stepmother was off probation he moved us back into her house. They would continously lie to me about my mother in ways no child should ever hear. It got the point that she would only kick me out and i would jump from house to house.. I could go on and on. But i want to tell you what I am doing to heal. I don't know if you are religious but i do know if you trust in God he will fulfill your needs. He will help you heal and give you strength to live the life He made for you. After all we both are very strong people even when we don't feel it. Try to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. Surround yourself with people that know your worth and prove it to you. Pray and ask God for his presence. I started praying a few days ago and i am really focused on trusting God and letting Him work in his ways. If you still need guidance I can give you the name of the person that lead me towards God. I have only known him a few days but he already has a huge impact on my life. I am getting better each day. And I can not wait to finally feel the unconditional love God wants to give to me. Also seeing a therapist that specializes in trauma will help alot as well. I hope you find the comfort you are seeking. Maybe we can get to know each more since we both know the pain and baggage we carry around.

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Don't allow your parents to break your spirit, leave, these are tixic people. You can be emancipated from them and force them to support you outside of the home. You owe them nothing. I was raped as a child and abused mentally and emotionally. Seperate right from wrong, report the abuse to as many people as you can. I told all my mothers family, she was embarrassed , good. I haven't had much to do with her ir my brother in over 30 years. I am 53 with sux kids, I have never abused my kids and never would. My mother is mentally disturbed. Iniwe her nothing. I forgive her but I don't need to keep a toxic person in my life. The notion of one bug happy family is a falicy and is not true. I lived in a very toxic and dysfunctional family. I was in foster care 3 times and bever wanted to go home. I made sure that when I was able to leave ? I would never have to go back. She's all alone now by her own doing. Don't feel sorry for these people they never were your mother or father. I found people who love me for me. I tell my kids everyday how much I love them. I didn't reoeat a pattern and you don't gave to either. Choose who you want to be and how you want to be. Walk away and never look back. Gid will deal with them you don't have to. Get help, talk therapy is good, sometimes you need to talk about it to get it off if your mind. The brain us a filing cabinet and stores all the memories, that's what they are. Memories, tell yourself you are free. If you don't allow them to break your spirit they can't. Make something of your life for you and your future. You can do this. I did. 💜

I many way we all face huge dilemmas in life. Parents never ever ever got along ... fights would only escalate. Violance was an innvetability... The abuse change of country schools ... have my home burn down losing everything at 6 years old . Value of right and wrong were very squed. Social issues , school problem ... eventually I was going to court every other day as evidence to help my mother case. 12 years to 16 years full of decite, bridary, corruption I found it very difficult to trust People. Finally after we win promptly my mother steal all my money and sell my Home. Later my father decides to keep fighting with her as to there divorce . Till today . Father decides to take responsibility after 30 years and decides to establish me .. Make me change location on rent keeps me there and the trys to sue me and put me in prison because he is a religious nut and want to give all his money to a temple and a guy . Not his money his ancestral wealth ..... This so called father only did this when my daughter was born.... He didn't meet her or gift her anything. No they are currently both fighting for my grand father property and wealth. And have kept me in abject poverty. Sucking tons of money for court fees and trying to kill me of.
As I was told sign that nothing is your and you don't want anything and we won't finish you and your family off. Father is a rich never worked a proper day in his life . Juiced his parents for everything slept with everything and is still alive claiming a spiritual path .
Wanting to give money to a temple full if perversion that he wants and live there till the end . Destroying every single trace of family in this world .. I am/ have and /will suffer this cure affected by my parents on me my whole life ... I accept my reality

My mom does the same.. She always tell me things for me to feel stupid, worthless and that everything that comes out of my mouth is stupid (actually, both my mom and my dad say this to me). And that's why I've always been very shy and bad in social situations, I hate talking because I'm always afraid that I'll sound stupid. She's been hitting me with objects, kicking me and punching me since I was around 7. Tonight, she hit me for absolutely no reason... She came into my room at 1 am and hit be a water bottle in the head multiple times! I have no idea what I did! And you know what's the funny part??? SHE NEVER EVEN LAYED A HAND ON MY BROTHER WHO IS FAILING SCHOOL, HAS BEEN KICKED OUT OF A SCHOOL FOR BAD BEHAVIOUR, LAST WEEK HE GOT SENT HOME FOR 3 DAYS BECAUSE HE TOUCHED A GIRLS ***. I am attending a really good college (the best one in my city!!! I worked really hard to get in), I am studying hard (until 1 am most nights), and I never got in trouble!!!!!!!!!! When she is old, I hope my brother will take care of her, because I am so done with her behaviour. I can't wait to leave this **** of a "family". Thanks for sharing! And yes, it is true that I hate her, but I also still love her. It doesnt matter how bad she treats me, there will always be a part of me that will still love her. And that SUCKS.

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Oh my god, your story is very similar to mine, well,I'm also the "WORTHLESS",I guess I'm not alone now :) but I think mine is worse, coz I don't even have the right to cry, if my father see me cry, he will lose control, and abuse me even a lot more, I'm a girl, and now my face is permanently injured & slightly asymetrical... and nowadays I still get bullied quite often by the their precious motherfckr "prince boy brother", he even choked me several times. I saved some money (around $2000) that I got from online job (I'm still a student),but guess what.. I lost every single penny I achieved from my own effort,that's only a little part of my story.

Hey, I'm 16 too! I can completely relate to your experience (I posted my experience in the comment above). I also have a job online, I make youtube videos and over the past 2 years I've collected over 4000$ (I never told my parents though)...
I have been hit and told that I was worthless so many times that now, I don't even cry anymore. The pain barely affects me!
Just stay strong, and work hard! If you work hard, you'll end up in a better place than anyone who has ever abused you, and you can laugh at their dirty *****!

I feel your pain and more but by my stepfather and eventually my mother knew and she overlooked things myself as a Mother would kill if it happened to my children. ..I have my days when a thought pops in my head and I cringe but I've always just tried to rise above and know that obviously they have or had mental issues. .I to may have some myself but I take the positive approach and try to be as open as possible about and try to make people understand it's not ok to abuse. .As a matter of fact I'm struggling with just the other day my cousin attacking his 16 yr old who already has a lot of emotional and learning issues and a slight physical disability and I don't think he had any right hitting him and especially the way he did but of course I speak my mind and say it's not right n next time I will have him arrested and I become the bad guy. .Do I walk away or do I keep trying to break a bad cycle within a family. ..Sometimes I feel more normal then them and they didn't incurr half the abuse I did. ..I feel I have to walk away from my entire family because they cannot come to terms with how they live and what they get away with! !! I figure I only need a few good friends to call my family then have an entire family living in denial. .

I'm 13 my older brother is an 18 year old body builder and I hate him, he makes me bleed and get new injuries every day, my mom hardly gives a **** about me and she beats me and abuses me and makes fun of me whenever she is angry my older brother makes fun of me and hits me for no reason at all and my younger sister is a ***** who thinks she can ******* slap me whenever she wants too and she does and if I even say stupid to her then my mom and dad come and beat the loving **** out of me with heels and then my older brother comes and says, " pick on someone your own size ******."
I have a pretty good social life but my brother makes fun of me and my mom makes me feel under confident my discouraging me and my dad thinks he is some king he just abuses me with " F words and so on ever since I have been 8 and he hits me and makes fun of me whenever he feels like and I want to kill myself today, I want anew better family please help me. I hate my family I would do anything to get rid of them.


I'VE BEEN THREW WHT YOU ARE GOING THREW I MADE A PROMISE TO MY SELF THAT I WOULD NEVER TREAT ANYONE LIKE THAT AND I LEFT AND MADE SOMETHING OF MY SELF AND KNOW WHAT? THEY lived to see it but just because i dont want anything to do with them any more dosen't mean i cant for give them i do but i stay away .i'm living my life and forgetting the pass and making beutiful memories that i always dreamed my life to be .my friends that know my story keeps saying karma will get them .all i say it dosent matter * sole* tc

I think you are absolutely right. I do wish I had done it many yrs earlier. .It's the mental and emotional abuse. ..I was abused as a child I've lived and obviously still live with people in my family that either abuse or they are getting abused. I can't take it anymore. .I'm called the drama person when I speak my opinion saying it's not right or try to give advice to get them to a better place and I'm trash. .But I'm finally realizing that they are in denial and they need help. .I exhausted from trying it's taken a toll on me emotionally and financially sometimes and I'm just done. .

I'm moving on and like you said I can forgive them but from a distance. .
I'm going to start my life Now a little late But I've got some catching up to do! !

Please tell your teachers and headmaster. When you next have bruises as evidence, go yourself straight to the police station. They won't be able to send you back again then. Insist that you don't go back.

I'm a 56 year old lady and I suffered 18 years of abuse from both parents. Some people, unfortunately are sadistic abusers and they enjoy it! You are not like them, walk your own path. Once you've got away, never have anymore to do with them, ever. They can only enter your life if you allow them. Don't hope for love or anything, you won't get it. There are so many incredibly kind people out there, strangers will always be there for you.

Through all of this, put your school work first, it will never let you down and it will give you choices and your own freedom when you are 18.

Be kind to your future foster parents and don't be any trouble.

Always contact me if you need help.

Very highest regards


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I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by my mom and mentally abused by my dad. My dad knew about it and did nothing. I can remember him coming home from work (he was in the Army) one day and asking her to talk to me more instead of hitting me. I am an only child with a daughter of my own. One day I came home from school and my mom had used a dish cloth to redden her eye, only to tell me that my dad beat her. There was a suitcase by the door in which she told me that she and I were leaving. I began crying and then she began laughing! She told me that she was only joking and told me that if I told my dad she would kill me. I was in the 3rd or 4th grade at the time. I would be in the upstairs bathtub and all of a sudden the lights would go out in the hallway. I was terrified and crying for them to help me. My dad would get the snow chains out of the closet and rattle them on the stairs. He and my mom would tell me that there was a man coming up the stairs and he was going to take me away. They would ask me if I saw him yet and just repeat the same rant, "There he is, coming around the corner!" Again, I was in the 3rd or 4th grade. For years I had nightmares that I was asleep on the couch and a man would come running down the stairs and grab me, which would leave me breathless and terrified. I later found out that my mom was abused by her dad and had witnessed her mom's murder. My grandfather shot and killed my grandmother in front of my mom and her sister. So, now my mom beat me just like her father beat her. My father knew all about her upbringing and still married her. My mom tried multiple times to have other children but they ended in miscarriages. I finally told my mom that God is not going to give her any more kids because of what she did to me. The last time my mom hit me was on Mother's Day, she punched me in the face in front of my daughter, my husband, my dad and my in-laws...all because I told her that we might move to New York. I did find out that my mom beat me because of her relationship with my father (she said that he cheated on her). For years she told me this. I finally asked him about it and he admitted to it. Naturally I told him that I was a pawn in their marriage and he did nothing about it. They have both told me that they are sorry and to forgive them. However, there is no sincerity between the tow of them. They are madly in love with one another (I am using the word "madly", loosely). My mom has always made me dependent on her. My father, not so much. Now, my relationship with my daughter is the complete opposite. I would hurt someone if they touched her. I am the crazy-protective mother to her (always have been). I have and will not let any harm come to her. I am too scared to discipline her. She is everything I wish I was. I am now divorced and happy. However, I living next door to my parents. I cannot shake them. I see a therapist and she finds it interesting that I still have them in my life. I do not love them, however I do care about them. I am a shell of a person who trusts no one! My ex-husband was actually just like my mom. The majority of my relationships have been abusive. My daughter's father was abusive and I left that relationship. My husband only pushed me a couple of times (never touched my daughter!). I just thought it was normal to be in relationships like these. I felt like it meant that I was really loved. I have shielded my daughter from violence, with the exception of my anger when someone messes with her (I know that my anger is not healthy). I literally am the crazy-protective mom. My parents are now upstanding members of the community. They attend and teach classes in a community church. I am just now able to say little "digs" regarding my childhood. Of course, my mom and dad just look down when I say things. Me and my mom had went to the grocery store with my dad (all of us). I was helping them bring their grocery bags in and we were on the subject of my jaw clicking. My mother reminded me that hers does the same thing because of her father smacking/beating her in the head. I then remind her that mine is because she hit me in my head all the time. She apologized, again. I yelled out to my dad, "Hey, dad! You hear that? Mom used to hit me in my head daily and now my jaw clicks just like hers." He put his head down. I am 40 years old and I still have issues. I have yet to find a therapist to help me. I have so much anger and resentment toward my parents. Of course, when I tried to tell my dad when I was young that mom beat me, his response was, "That is a lie! I know how you are!" But all along he knew. When I said I confronted him earlier in the story, I asked him about the statement, "...I know how you are!" He just told me that he was sorry and wishes that the could have went back and changed it. There was no sincerity in his eyes. He came from a loving family. I have anger toward his and my mom's family. They have told me that they thought something was wrong and that I was abused. Wow! And amazing enough, no one did anything about it. I am tired. Just sick and tired!

Please move away for the sake of your child.

My mother died oct 2012 and im finding that I get "flash" memories every now and then about abuse I suffered as a child/teen. I even feel rite at this moment that im over stating when using the word abuse....but isn't being pounded about the head and back...breaking broom over my back and beating me with a belt....abuse? I miss and cry for her often but when the memories hit me...I dont know what to think. I find myself blaming me because I ran away...drank a little beer and rum and tried weed once. I hung out with my bully from school after I stood up to her. My mom hated her which of course, made me love her. One time the police broght me home in our small town and Sister Cotilda (nun) was in my kitchen when we got there. The Sister was a family support worker. My mom walked over to me after me being gone God knows where for few days and didnt hug me, no, she punched me in the face! And tried keep punching me but the cops and nuns held her back. So I thought, my fault. I got bad marks in grade 7 cause I ran away so much. I came home grading day and told her I failed and had write a sub exam in history that summer to pass. She broke broom over my back. Naturally I thought, my fault. I shouldnt have failed or used better tone of voice. The latest memory came from watching an old episode of the "Roseanne" show where her and her sister visited their old house and started to remember where the belt hung on a wall. That did it for me and the belt came back into my head again. The welts it left and the sting. Mom was go good at making me feel at fault that I still dont feel rite complaining. Was it just disapline? I did not beat my children and now with grandchildren I did loose it once but did not hit her. I had show her she cant push grandma, that I had a point where I would draw the line. Its only time I got mad at my grandchildren and I still feel bad about it. I find that im wondering why she could love and supoort me one min and punch me in the face the next. We became very close as adults with me not remembering. A couple time I did remember few things and asked her. I recall I asked her about the time child welfare took us from the home because she was on pills and drinking and so was dad. She gave me some glib answer and it was dads fault mostly. She would also remind me of good things she did for me and make me feel bad for bringing it up. Mom also took most of what I said to her as an adult, totally the wrong way. Like if I expressed a feeling about her lack of excersise. ..she would say things like " you wore me out as teenager and I want to lay around now then I will" she would say if I didnt bug her so much that she wouldnt be so sick now. I blame the fact that I didnt take her serious when she was really sick and she died, on myself. She always over exaggerated her aches and pains and I had to stay with her til she said I could go. After while I just blew her off because I couldnt listen to the complaining all the time. She wouldnt allow me to try and get her to talk about something else. She said I didnt care about her because I would always change the subject. Thats wasnt true at all. I was tring to get her to use mind over matter to feel better. I love my mom and miss her. But at same time, God forgive me, im glad I dont have that in my life anymore. And that makes me feel like terrible daughter. My dad is such a drunk I cant have him in my life. I have not told my father she is gone nor have I seen him. He is no help...she beat on him too but he beat her worst. At 9 my brother was coming...9 mons pregnant my dad was on top of her punching her stomach. I hit him with cast iron fry pan. So mom cud get a chance to run, which she did. My brother was born with a bump on his head. He is fine. Neither of us drink or do drugs and my brother is a correction officer. I am on pension due to my back. How do I forgive my mom and really let it go?

Add a response...My dad would put methalated spirits on a tissue to drug me, then he would put his **** in my mouth and *** into it...I would wake up in the morning with *** all in my mouth and dripping out my mouth. oh not to mension pubic hairs stuck in my mouth. and grey pubic hairs from him in my bed.
that's not even the worst part... all the poisoning from the metho after 18 years caused me to get a mental illness. then one day when I came home from school and said I wanted to become a police woman.
He then poisioned me with soooo much methalated spirits and petrol that I felt like I was dying so I told them and they took me to the doctor. they left me in the doctors room, and my dad went to talk with the doctor. and in 5 minuites an ambulance came and strapped me down to the ambulance bed and took me to a mental hospital and I was there for 4 months and feed pills that I didn't need.
came back home and gained 60 kgs and lost all my friends and my entire family think im crazy.
All because my dad had to rape me and poison me...and to make things worse he goes to church and is so fake. thinking nothing bad will happen to him. My God he even thinks he will go to heaven, what a ******* joke.
I still live at home and I am 38. But now I have 2 bolts in the back of my door so he can rape me and poison me now. and he would even rape my brother he would wake up in the morning with his bum up in the air and his pants down. Now he has also got a bolt in the back of his door too.
I know God loves me and will send David William Kimpton to HELL forever.

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Hi, i have lived a similer life (im 27 now) do you have good friends? Like really good friends with understanding and loving parents? If so go and talk to them,you need to get out of that situation. Its not good for you mentaly,this kind of daily abuse takes a toll on a person.i wish i could give u a hug and reasure you that life can be so much mother had some kind of personality disorder,would lie about everything including what she was putting us through.we had to run away,i was 13 at the time.when to childs hearing and went to stay with my dad,the abuse was so bad,she was not aloud to contact or be on same street as me.please know im not saying do what i did.but living in this kind of life can make you feel detached and the feeling of looking for love,just to be loved,though this feeling of love you look for is the love of your mum,this is hard feeling to if the mother cant relise the error of her ways,then the relationship is forever you have other family members you are close to,that you can talk to,possibly stay with to try and give you both space to give her the chance of relising what she is doing to you. You say you have a bro,are you close and dose he experince the same issues with your mother?Have job?

I know what you mean. A mere 2 hours ago my mom came screaming into my room, and started beating me from head to toe. she scratched my hands and beat my right eye. i fell down because of the force of the attacks.she didn't stop. she kept just beating me harder and harder.i was crying so hard and i didn't understand why she was doing this.She's been beating me ever since i was born as she believes 'physical pain only can raise a good child' but I'm 17 now and the abuse had lessened. it was because i had coaching class that morning and i had overslept . she kept hitting me and saying she hates me and wishes i die.then she dragged me while i was still in my bed clothes and put me in the car. My brothers friends were at my house and they saw everything. i was sobbing my heart out and said i wanted to die. she's been abusing me for so long. she has hit me with her hands, chairs,sticks and even tried to strange me some times. she said 'if u die, not a single body will shed a tear for you! you're worthless!you deprived our lives of everything!GO DIE! I'LL BE HAPPY! worthless creature! yu only know how to eat and sleep and destroy our lives!' and then she started calling me all the bad words she could think of. she pushed me into the car and locked the doors and left. I'm writing this from thinking of running away. she threw my landline phone down and broke it and tore my bed sheet. i hope god saves me from this torture.

Other post iv posted was for you.keep your chin up! Life gets better. Dose ur bro have same issuse with your mum?is he older or younger?if he relises what is happening is wrong talk to ur dad around?do u have family members u can trust?if not do you have frinds parents u r close to?due to ur age u still need alot of surport of good people who care and lovr in uk and am unsure of how child protection works wer u are,if all else fails contact them,explane ur situation ask for help.if i could id give u a hug and tel u its going to be ok.keep positive keep ur chin up,none of this is ur can be hard but in all honesty it gets better,you need love and surport and someone who cares to hear what has happened to you.i guse im wrighting this because in some form iv been through similer things in my childhood and wished someone would have cared enough just to listen and tell me it would be sounds silly but love and care helps to recover.i wish you all the best if you need someone who is a stranger just reply

where are you now is their a sister or brother that can help you, please get help, because it will haunt you the rest of your life if you don't get help.

Though I am not a victim of child abuse, I am a very empathetic person and I can feel your tremendous pain just by reading this post. You are not worthless, and your mother needs help, not the same sort of help you need, mental help, you need supportive help. I am reading most of these posts and they tear me apart. Normally, I would not subject myself to seeing posts of terrible realities, since I can be quite weak at times, though most often I am quite strong, but the more and more I am reading posts like these, the same goes for terrible pet owner stories, the more I want to help, but I can only do so much. I do not know if you have done anything to help yourself with this since you posted this comment, but if you have not, approach your mother, but respectfully. Tell her why this is hurting you, and why she is doing this to you. She might lie, it will definitely not be easy, but I believe, how matter how damaged a bond between a parent and child is (I don't mean murder, because that is pretty much a gone bond), I believe it can be healed. Parents may not love their children, children may not love their parents, this is a sad but true reality, and sadly, is quite common, and sadly, there might never be an answer, but because of them, we are here, and because of us, they have another reason to live. I am praying for you, and I can only imagine it is quite difficult, but please be strong. Show your mother you are no longer afraid of her and would love for her to love you and for you to love her. Children want to know they are loved by their parents, but parents also want to know they mean something to their children. This is all easier said then done, but talking things out goes a long, long way, believe me.

Hi, I feel terrible about what you have experienced, especially at the hands of your mother. However, as a Victorious Leader in the area of abuse and a Forgiveness Master, I would encourage you to read Perfectly Planned, (Overcoming ******, rape & sexual abuse) Amazon--Many of your answers are within my books. Feel free to stop by my website I hope you doing better today. Forgiveness is the key to emotional freedom.


I was an abused child and as a 35 years old mother, I also abused and still abuse my child. Not by calling her names or beating her up, also I did get physically violent a couple of times :(, but by neglecting her and being emotionally disconnected from her. I have been walking a long path of depression, before and after her birth, and I'm starting therapy - again - this week, with little hope, but with determination. I'm so sorry for all of you. I feel my mother killed all the goodness in me with her repeated neglect and abuse, my father was always away and also emotionally disconnected, and now I'm also a handicapped mother who isn't able to love her child, as much as I want to. And you know what's the most horrible thing? I don't even think I'm a *bad* person. It's just that, when I'm with my child, I feel a distress so deep, coming from my own childhood, that I just can't give her the love she needs, and I beat myself up with guilt and feelings of worthlessness, to the point that I get suicidal. This cycle of violence has got to stop and I only wish my daughter will have a better outcome than mine, she has a loving although imperfect father and I thank the universe every day for that, because I believe it will make a difference in her life. I can't erase what I did - I so wish I could -, the only thing I can do is devote all my strength to try getting to terms with my sad childhood and try to forgive myself, for her but also for me.
Keep in mind IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. We're carrying a burden that doesn't belong to us, and unfortunately, we often give pass it to our children as well. To those of you who are thinking about becoming parents, be VERY careful. Try to heal before you do that. We must do everything we can to prevent this abuse perpetuation, and the only way is to get better ourselves.
I wish you all, and myself, much strength.

please hug your child don't hurt her you will ruin her life, we all need to stop the cycle of abuse. i was abused now i suffer from so much depression, that i made my daughter's life a living hell, not by hitting her I never did or sexually abuse her, but by just not being their for her emotionally. i wish i could back and hug her , and tell her how much i always loved her. Now she is so sick, with an autoimmune disease and i know i caused it

I was in the same boat. My father was not around due to divorce. I told him he didn't do a thing. Now I hate myself and want to die..but i am good a good dad. If I do finish myself off I am sending. Mom a live internet feed of my moms email or cell phone. She was right I am worthless despite of my career and credentials.

please don't hurt yourself your father still loves you no matter what we say.

Oh my, I can relate to this. I am 38 years old now and I can - just now - say I am getting over it. During my teenage years and 20's I was different. Destructive. Cynical. Suicidal. I believes that was just life. Now I know different.
Don't ever blame yourself or think you will inherently act the same: you see that it is wrong.
I don't like saying 'wrong' - because I am not my mother or father, they were, themselves, children when they had me.
However, knowing that it is terrible, as a child, to experience what they did, has lifted me above that.
The purpose of life is to be better than what came before...your post certainly shows you are strong, logical, and very smart.
Keep going! It's your life! You sound fine: give it time, and thought. You are not your parents and are not fated to do as they did.
PS: your post was really good, it helped me deal with my sister just ringing me then and saying I don't have a life...sigh...I am sad for her

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This was me growing and continues to happen i cant trust anyone i always keep to myself i feel like a worthless pile cuz of them they call me a parasite worthless im only 17 they never went to any of my swimming championships and when i tried talking them about it they said well we would of gone if you actually got us birthday presents i was crushed i feel like i cant love or fully trust anyone cuz i don't know how and how to receive it they also don't support my martial arts or parkour or my dreams to be a stuntman they said to wake up and get real

Reading all of this I honestly understand and actually wound write the exact same story word for word . I too feel a lot of the problems I have functioning are to do with my childhood . I cried in bed almost every night I will never forget the hurt and pain . I too feel sorry for my mother as maybe that's all she knew . I'm pregnant now for the first time & like you worried I will turn out like my mother . I hope since your message you have healed a little . Your story is very honest and real xxx

This is/was 100percent my life. Every detail you just typed! EVERY SINGLE DETAIL! I hate it and don't know what to do.

Reading these posts fills me with such rage at what was done to you all! Such horror...I feel a horrible sense of helplessness at your are not alone, you are not do not have to take it....TELL! I will never stop telling, I will not stop telling what happened to me, to my family for generations...I will embarrass the abusers publicly knowing there is nothing they can do if its the truth. There is no law that says I cannot speak it...I will give anyone he** who DARES try and shut me up. I will not allow it! Ever! I have stopped speaking to my mother and have told the whole family the truth, all her friends, posted publicly on facebook until she unfriended me. I deny her the satisfaction of getting away with her abuse. She will take back the burden of the abuse I lived with with her, she will swallow the pain and guilt or I reject her. I reject her dysfunction, I reject all the names that she called me. I reject the weakness in her that allowed her to place blame upon my shoulders. I will shove the responsibility for the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father back in her face! I will not live with the burden and crippling silence. She will earn the right to have me in her life or she will pay and pay and pay again! I will not eat the lie of shame that comes with events I had no more control overt than being hit by a drunk driver.SHE WILL!

i am so proud of you go girl

AyselMoonbaby, I understand what you've gone through and what you're still going through.
I'm only 14 years old and my entire childhood, even now.. As it continues I'm suffering neglect and abuse from my mother and dad.
Not too long ago, we fought because I have a problem with studies.. I can't really tell the months. And it isn't surprising as it may sound.. I wasn't really well educated in my studies and I've given up after my mom repeatedly called me useless and a stupid child.
I had to sign myself up for a school by myself.. She didn't want to do it for me.. And.. Well, it said to type my date of birth in numbers and I started crying. She then asked me '' What's your problem now? '' And I told her I didn't know how to type my birth in numbers. She then proceeded to call me all the names in the book and how come I didn't know how to. I started yelling at her.. She started threatening me she would hit me if I continued. I continued yelling and she started beating the Hell out of me. Trying to rip out my hair and hitting me on the head. She threw a glass at my face that didn't break.
I ran away and went to my neighbours home where I stayed for 2 weeks.
And even yesterday.. I hadn't gone to bed, it was 1:25AM in the morning and she started screaming at me to go to bed. I told her 2 minutes and she continued and continued. After about 3 minutes of insisting she grabbed the remote and raised her hand up. She was about to strike and abuse me once again. She grabbed the power to my computer to shut it down.
She started calling me names.. She told me I wasn't her kid anymore and she wanted me out of the place and never wanted to see me again.. She didn't care where I went. She wanted me out of her sight..
My dad.. He's been there all this time and as a kid I was severly abused by both of them, he didn't say anything even when my mom would abuse me back then too.
I hadn't had a normal childhood.. And I won't have a normal teenager one either.
I'm afraid of having a child someday and treating her as bad as both of my parents treated me.
I have no one to talk to.
And I'm all alone.
The internet is where I can relate my problems somehow and find people who will listen but it's not always that easy.
And I almost forgot to mention.. My dad is sick now, I know his illness in French but not the word in english and.. He can't take care of himself at all. My.. '' mother '' is having a really hard time which means my chances of getting beat up again are high.
I'm scared of her.. I really am. She doesn't love me at all and.. Even with the abuse of my dad before he got sick, he would treat me as his daughter and still give me affection.
It's been a year that he's been sick.
And I'm still getting beaten up by my mom even after I thought it ended as a little girl.

If I could go back to your age I would find help. There are organizations out there I'm sure. Call them! Your mom doesn't have to know. Don't just wait until you can move out. My suggestion is to tell EVERYONE until someone listens. If she hits you to a point you have marks, that will unfornately help your case if you call child services (secretly) and report the abuse. Take pictures, videos...fight. Don't put up with it. I know you are young and not as strong as they are but you have the ability to tell people until someone does something about it. Tell your teachers, counselor, a trusted adult that you know would fight for you. Just because you're young, you are allowed to protect yourself.

yes i agree please get some help

My heart goes out to you, in tears, with a broken heart. I was "extremely" abused as a child, my first marriage, he was verbally abusive...I never knew love or acceptance; I was always rejected. When I had my first son, I abused him. He is now a man and totally miserable and has ruined his life. I blame myself. I had literally bawled and bawled over this. My guilt is at a height where I needed mental help. His father didn't help matters any by running around on me and leaving me alone with the kids all the time. He also was into *********** which I would not allow in the house. After our divorce, my oldest son, who has terrible mental problems had access to the ***********.....I feel horrible for him. He is so lost, no foundation, not grounded. He doesn't know what to do or where to go. He hates me and will have nothing to do with me. I understand that.
I went through a forgiveness process for all those who abused me in my life, it helped me a lot. I also became a Christian of which my son and my ex-husband laugh at. Well, that has helped me so much to heal. I wish now I could help my son but he tells people I am dead, so, there is nothing I can do for him but pray, and pray I do, very hard. I do love him. It took me a long time, but I do love him. I did not know what love was but I learned from church, praying, the Bible and trying so desperately to change my life and hoping it would help him but it hasn't and he hates me and rejects me. I have not spoken with him for about five years now. That is his choice, not mine. I pray he will not take his life. I will be totally devastated.
My heart hurts and breaks over his heart that is becoming so hard. He divorced his most beautiful, sweet, Christian wife. They had three children together who are awesome, beautiful and smart. They hardly want to be around him any more. He has changed so much. His heart is becoming hardened. I pray and pray that he will not kill himself. I am so frightened. That is sin you cannot come back and ask God to forgive. I just have to hope and pray God understands (which I know He does) that this child was abused and just can't help himself. Although, I did. I was extremely abused up until I was about 40......I chose God. I have been helped so much and he could too if he would just open up his hard heart. I am here for him and always will be. If any of you out there believe in God and prayer, please pray for my son.

you should watch the movie "fireproof", its really inspirational. its about loving someone who regrets to love them back because of an abusive relationship, but now the person is changing and its just so wonderful! its a christian movie and it suit your situation some what, i think you should give it a go.

I hate to say this but im in the exact situation you are...I am 13 years old and its 1:30 am right now where I am, and I am crying myself to sleep. I have insomnia from my social anxiety disorder and therefore can't sleep. Tommorow is the first day of school and I am absolutely horrified. When my mom caught me awake in my room on the laptop, she started screaming at me. She slammed the screen down shut, and I went over the my bed and layed down. My mom pulled me off my bed and yelled at me. She punched me and hit me with a water bottle. This all happened a mere hour ago.

My dad doesnt do anything about it. He doesnt hit me or anything, he just yells at me. He usually stays out of it. My sister is ignorant too.

The thing is, its harder for me to "tell" like people replied to you. Im afraid ill go to a foster home, and leave my school. Not only that but my mom and dad are having financial issues and they just bought me a new pair of sneakers. They only spoil me a little, but I dont yell back at them or anything. I dont whine for items, I usually try to get them to save as much as they can. The sad thing is they spent their whole lives trying to provide me with a good life and I love them for that. But im being abused now.

My mom has forced me to excersize until I want to throw up because im too short. My friends actually like me for that trait because they say im cute like that. My mom on the other hand, hits me. A lot. Im torn apart and am suffering a lot as well. She specifically said "I hate myself for giving birth to you!!" Just because I was up at night. And I have insomnia but she doesnt believe in it. I have suffered from it for half of my life now.
Wierd thing is I have been beat so much it feels not as painful to get hit then it used to.

I also cant tell on my mom because I dont know who to tell. I cant trust my friends for some reasons, and I dont want to rip everything away from my parents. I still love then strangely. I have never yelled back at them unless they are all the way in a another room. I am completely torn.

This is not only my reply to you to let you know you arent alone. We arent so different. But also I am seeking help from other people who may read this. It means a lot to me.

Find the related authorities or child well fair go there talk to then see where you stand the final choice is in your hands ... If you don't want to take action you can say so but if you tell them all your detail then they will take action regardless of your opinion choose your option carefully your arnt a victim. You are a warrior thats what makes them scared of you and that's why they hurt you . You have all the power you just have to open your eyes. At this age what they are doing is criminal . And arrests can be made... find a relative who you trust to live with till you become an adult in the eyes of the law. Or they will put you into child care ... which I am sure is going to have its own issues .

oh i am so sorry please email me any time, maybe all of us can just chat on the computer, I am 65 years of age, but I remember when I was 15 i was so lonely. It is hard being a teenager. Don't give up their is a rainbow, your life will start when you are done with college. Don't give up in school knowledge is power. With a good education you can get a good job and support yourself. I am so glad a neighbor helped me over the hard times. He never said much he was a good listener, and gave me praise for trying. He gave me hope, he was a clean man, and always smiling, I called him Uncle Alan. He was so wise and always new what to say, he was so kind and he took care of all of us kids, by his kindness, never said a bad word. A andtold me your life will start when you finish school.

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i suffered abuse from my mother ever since i was a child she hits me calls me names till this very day she makes me the most unhappy perspn ever..i have freinds and when i see their relationships with their moms i get sad i never had anyone to talk too when i was a teen no one to share my thoughts or joys or sadness i was beaten somdays till i bleed now i have zero confidence in my self i beleive that im a complet looser and everything i do is wrong and my life is just worthless she destroyed me as a human being i beleive that i dont deserve to be loved now my boyfreind is trying to save what left of me he give me too much love and care sometimes i think its too much for me cuz no body actually cared that much why would he care..... i really want to forgive her but i can't i have nightmares all the time i suffer from depression now almost all my life i can't be happy and till today she still callin me names " fat looser b**** ugly "

I don't know if you still live with her but if you don't, cut the relationship off. I know it's harder to say than do but there is no other option. I had the same problem. Even as an adult I was afraid to say no to her and I let her rule me. Finally, the straw broke the camels back and I started standing up for myself and making boundries. If she starts calling you names you say, "if you call me one more name I'm hanging up on you" or "I'm walking out of here....". I swear, once I started setting boundaries, it was amazing how much control I started having over her. I felt like I won. I was not the powerhouse. Once you set boundries and stand up for yourself she'll have NOTHING! Because is she doesn't accept your rules then she can't have a relationship with you. You're better than that. No matter how hard it seems, just let the words come out and go through the motions. DO NOT feel guilty!

Just wish my mother would except boundaries my mother as always been very abusive things doesnt go her way she kicks off am 49 when i was a child my parents used to come in after a night on the beer smash the house mum beat my dad up with anything she could get hold off one morning she stuck a broken class in his back and as kids we were all screaming thinking he was about to die , when i was 13 we had a fire my dad and sister died in it i felt so sorry for my mother but my mum had different fellas after my dad died none of them stayed i never hater her for this but she was very strict when i started to work if i earn 70.00 i would give her 50.00 aweek when i met up with my wife all hell broke loses my sisters got married she was ok a bit i got married she hated my wife shes hit my wife we forgave her for that she calls my wife every name under the sun shes accuse us of robbing from her shes attack me more time i can remember my sister owns her loads of money but she takes it out on me my wife cooks her sunday dinner she gives my wife dirty looks my mum is 71 but young looking for her age my kids will not go and see her every time they did she would f down the phone saying they robbed from her then a hour later she phone back and say sorry i found the money i take her shopping take her to the grave which is 200 miles away and still i get abuse so does my wife my mother can be a good but she can turn very quickly she gave us a tuble dryer i ask her i give you 100 pound for it she said no you can have it she swap her big tell for my sons small one we gave her 100.pound as well but deep down i knew shes going to kick off and she did demanded everything back i gave them back to her and now all hells broke lose she punch my son in the face today because he went to give her some money we own her she screamed calling my wife a ***** am not a granny to kids from a ***** and attack my son who is 23 years old my son did alot for her stay with her when her second husband died but she hated him all we got this week was screaming down the phone dont know what started it all off all i did was clean her kitchen left her that day in good spirits that night she wanted every thing back so i gave it all back now shes making out its our fault i dont talk to my sisters they treaty my kids like crap but i never did this to theirs they were always welcome to my door, my mother as always been a abusive woman if shes see you in the street she wouldnt thick twice of punching you shes starts the arguments thats says its out fault
everytime i forgive her because i think back to the fire we had and seeing her in the hospital bed crying dont know what to do now and so fed up with her behavior i feel guilty for feeling annoyed with her but today she punched my son call us all the names under the sun hated us all you cant reason with my mum shes right we are wrong. if i set boundaries she only make a laugh of me.

If your mom is abusive tell her I will not be around you until to get help, and have respect for me. Don't allow her to be abusive to you anymore. Stand up for yourself, this is terrible. No way , No more, set boundaries for her. Shame on her

stay away from her she is toxic.

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Wow, the way you articulated your story.... It could've been written by me, verbatim. Thank you for providing a sounding board, because I feel so defeated right now.
Like I just want to get a new identity and go far far away from the pain. But, in truth, I lead a quite fulfilling life when it doesn't involve my mother. She has the ability to suck the happiness out of Mickey Mouse.

Just today, 6/26/14, in a Walmart parking lot, my mother called me f-ing bi+ch. Why? I was due to meet up w/her outside in the parking lot to pick up some stuff from her and I parked and waited for her to show up. And waited and waited. Finally, 25 minutes later she comes out with a shopping cart and I smiled and waved her over. I simply said, "hi mom, I've been out here waiting, I thought we said to meet outside". She EXPLODED, "What are you, stupid? I'm not gonna wait outside for you in the heat, like some kind of idiot, you f-ing bi+ch. I decided to shop and let you come inside to find me. Idiot." I could tell she was dying to slap my face. She always has a hand up, ready to strike me when she gets irate. But there were witnesses, and security cameras. God forbid the outside world sees her true violent nature.
So I got "stupid", "f-ing bi+ch" and "idiot" within a period of less than 30 seconds. In public. Oh I forgot to mention, I'd brought her a dunkin Donuts coffee and muffin and she finished with "I don't want your f-ing goddam gifts. I walked away, got in my car and my stinging hot tears spilled forth as I drove to work.
I'm 41, and she still has the precise ability to reduce me to a trembling, fragile little scared girl.
Also, I have MS, and she uses it against me, says that my illness made me evil and hateful. I was diagnosed when I was 17. I remember being in a wheelchair after my whole left side went numb, and she had gotten frustrated with my disability that I got smacked upside the head one time, that she denies doing to this day.
Mind you, I have a healthy and loving relationship with my man and not to toot my horn, but I get along wonderfully with everyone, friends and coworkers alike.
I'm an only child. My dad is just the sweetest, gentlest man. He's her victim too, she has worn him down to a nub over the past 40 years of marriage.

Thank you for letting me vent. It's comforting to know there are others like me, and this is not just in my imagination. I swear I could sob uncontrollably right now, but I'm working and have to put on a brave face

how can we be so abusive to our children, what is wrong with us. Some people just don't have the right to bring children to this world

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Dear AyselMoonbaby
You are not alone. I am 33 and have suffered a similar experience with my mother. Recently I read many articles on the internet about her symptoms (because I always thought there is something wrong with her) and I found information about a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). You may want to research a bit and see if your mother fits the description (mine does 99%). It will not help much but at least you will understand WHY. There is nothing wrong with you, there never was and at any rate NOTHING about any child out there could ever justify this kind of behavior. As counter-intuitive as this may sound, I don't think you should blame your father too much. It wasn't that he wasn't home when those things happened, people with NPD PURPOSEFULLY conceal their abuse so that the child will never be believed by others, so she was probably careful to abuse you especially when he wasn't around. My mother did that - always when we were alone, never when others were around. Furthermore, its very likely that she terrorized your father as well and subdued him with careful manipulation - these people don't give up until they make the lives of ALL their close ones a living hell. But please, I beg you, don't EVER, EVER think you are worthless! If you'd like to talk about it, feel welcome to write to me.

I am so sorry for what you have experienced. In my opinion she was abused as a child because that is what she saw so that is what she did. But more importantly I also received horrible abuse as a child and I do not abuse my children. I am exactly the opposite giving them everything they need and that I didn't have. My Mom was there but she was busy getting beaten so she didn't have time to nurture, care etc. She would have been killed if she left so she was in a tough place. <br />
It's all about choices. Even though we were abused we choose how we act. No one can make us act a certain way we choose our behavior as adults even though the lessons we learned were not appropriate. <br />
You need to get into therapy and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about it so you can move through it. There is no other way, you can't stuff it down inside because it will come out in other ways like physical illness etc. You can do this, you are here for a purpose and you will shine. Give yourself the gift of therapy and move through this horrible experience so you can begin the next chapter of your life. You are a beautiful soul, I can feel it in your writing. God Bless.

I know what your going through, I am going through the same thing right now with my mother. My father is kind and he trys to stand up for me, or at least distract her so I can get away. My mum does hit me, way more than any mother ever should. But the worst is the verbal and emotional abuse. I was a very active kid and so I had to eat a lot to maintain a healthy weight, but when I stoped sports I kept eating the same ammount and was gaining weight. I have struggled to stop eating as much but it is a struggle. Eating is my escape, and so are books. My mum drove me to creating a fantasy in my head where I live in a perfect world and everything is fine and I have people who love me. I get all of that through books and I can literaly hide in books. When I read I tune out the entire world, and I feel safe and protected. The only other person who knows my story is my Best Friend, the problem is that I love my mum so much and I have begged her not to call the police. The problem with books is that they give me this feeling that all people can be saved and that everyone changes. Also I think that because I have lived with this my whole life I wouldn't know how not to live. In a peacful home, where I'm not being called a fat, lazy, bi**. I don't even know what that would be like, somewhere where I feel I belong. Everything my mother has said to me has destroyed me. I am in the middle of a toss up each week it is something different, one week I will be stuffing my face trying to feel better and the next week I starve myself hoping to lose weight and make my mum proud. I don't know what is going on, how to live a happy life. My entire life is in my head, I literaly retreat into myself to feel safe, or to my dad if he is there. My head, my books, and my dad are the only places I feel safe and that is just plain sad or is it, I really don't know. <br />
I know this entire thing probably doesn't make sense, but you are the first person I know who has experienced the exact samething as me, I thought i was alone. some people might not care and thats fine by me but atleast I know someone just like me. I don't have anyone to tell, my dad knows everything he has witnessed everything, but he hasn't done anything about it. I really don't know what to do because I feel that I don't have any control about what goes on in my life and to make it worse I have autism, which really takes away my control.

I survived, and you can too.<br />
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I just want everyone out there who's living with abuse, or who's lived with abuse in the past, to know that it gets better.<br />
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I remember feeling like I'd never escape my mother's abuse. I didn't have a safe place growing up, a way to get away from her when she got into one of her "moods". I used to hide in a closet or lock myself in a bathroom, turn out all the lights and lay there on the floor for hours just to feel like I had a place where she couldn't get to me.<br />
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I'll always be affected by the damage she'd done: physically and emotionally. But I survived, and over time it gets easier and easier to understand and to live with the pain.<br />
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I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to finding a way to "belong" in social situations, and in trusting other people. But I do have a life that's mine, now. And, luckily, someone who loves me.<br />
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Don't despair. If you have nowhere else to go, you just have to endure. You have to remind yourself, every day, that you are a strong and worthwhile person, that you deserve better, and you have to start making a plan. Find ways to get out of that life as soon as you can, ways to be independent. And when it feels like there's nothing left and no way out, it isn't true. You just have to carry on. It WILL get better.<br />
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There will come a day when you'll be free of the abuse, and, as an adult you'll have to make the choice not to let that abuse back into your life. Ever. In any form.<br />
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Today, I still have a relationship with my mother. She's still manipulative and she still tries to be controlling, and I understand that I'll have to watch her closely with my own children (if ever I allow her near them) and that I may have to resort to cutting her out of my life one day if she attempts to abuse me, or anyone I love, again.<br />
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I still haven't really forgiven her for what she's done to me in the past, a task that gets harder when she herself refuses to acknowledge any of the abuse. But none of this changes the fact that she is my mother, and that I do love her very much. That said - once you're out from under the thumb of your abuser, you don't ever have to put up with their abuse. Ever again.

I am so sorry. I am going through this right now. I am 13 years old, and I am trying to find love and care in this world. I know what it feels to be "you". Similarly to some of the other people, I could've written this myself. I don't know if you're religious, but sometimes... I wonder why God gave me to this woman... I admire you so much. I am about to resort to suicide. I cannot take it anymore. How did you endure through this? You are so courageous and I admire you from every perspective.

Do not resort to suicide. DO NOT. It will be a huge mistake, and one you can't take back. Things will get better. They WILL. I promise you.

I WAS you, once. And I, too, was convinced that the only way to get away from the pain was to end everything. Now, I'm so thankful that I reached out to someone I knew I could trust and that I never did anything to harm myself.

You're going to be okay. You really are. This is a hard, disparaging time and it FEELS like there's no way out, but there IS a way out.

The only way out is straight ahead. Keep enduring, and tell someone what you're going through. As soon as you can. It feels like a long road and an unending onslaught of pain, but it does end.. and once you get out, you'll be so grateful to have made it through.

You're not alone, no matter how lonely it might feel at times. If you don't have anyone in your life right now that you can trust, it doesn't mean that person isn't on their way for you. And there are places you can go to find help, if all else fails. SAFE places.

Hey guys just thought id share my childhood experiences id be greatful if anyone has any suggestions on how i get my head around this massive injustice. My brother was abused by my older brothers bestfriend. My brother and i told our mam and she didnt call the police . SHE DID NOTHING. Not only did she stay silent, she allowed him access in the house. She allowed us ten year old to go to a houseparty because the abuser didnt know how to get there. She also allowed my brother to sleep at the abusers house as he had a younger brother who we wre friends with. He used to babysit other children and abuses them. They could have been saved had my mam called the police. She has never been charged what you think she should be.


Hi Jimmy. It sounds like your mom was in serious denial. This is really common in abusive situations. I'm so sorry for what your brother went through, and for the trauma and anxiety it's most-likely caused him and the people who love him through the years. My question is: is this person still out there abusing children? Do you know where he is now? It's not too late to contact the authorities. Even if nothing is done, it's worth the effort to keep children safe from being exposed to this monster in the future.

Hi ayselmoonbaby, i have gone through the same torture since i was 12.. now i am 25!. Just 3 months back i planned to take my mom to a psychiatrist. She would not go if i told her that the doc wil treat her. I knew she wss in depression and had bipolar disorder.. being nice and sweet to relatives and a moster with me n my dad. Even i used to find for somebody.. a guy who could care for me as i never got it from my mom being her single child! I told mom dat i need to control my appetite so lets go to a psychiatrist, n told her u also explain your problem to the doc that u get too angry on us.. dad n i met the doc before bringing her to him and told him what all she does to us. The doc agreed and gave me a dummy medicine when i come to meet him with my mom. He told he wil gv her risperdal 1mg as these are symptoms of svhizophrenia.. bipolar disorder... Just check ur moms vitamin D and vitamin B12 levels. I think they are too low. This is related to severe depression. Now its 2mg the dose and she is like an angel! If she was like this i would have been the luckiest happiest girl in the whole planet!.. my dad sent me to a hostel for 2 years during my engineering i got a transfer of my college so that i cn be away from the tensions at home. Dad said one of us should suffer than both of us.. :( with this mom..another month she has to take her med and she wil be like any other sweet normal mother. I suggest u to meet a psychiatrist with or without ur dad and tel him wat all does ur mom do.. gud luck sweetie!

its almost like i have written this myself. My mother had done the same thing to me. I used to count on counselors to help, but they never did. my dad had left my mom because she annoyed us all. My brother loved my dad so deeply he began to form a hate for my mother around when he was 11. At that same age he went to live with my dad to get away from my mom. she mentally, verbally, and physically abused only him until he left. Then it felt like i was the next victim. And i was. she took her stress out on me and although she always told me she loves me more than the air she breathes, every time i looked into her eyes all i saw was hate, fury. my mom was abused as a child. since she was the oldest she got blamed for everything by my grandma. now since my brother isnt home, i take the blame. for everything.i have developed a hate for her, but in some way i still love her. she ignores me, hits me, neglects me, calls me names no daughter should be called, and has no respect or care for me whatsoever. she has made me want to kill myself yet she wont own up to what she has done. she blames everyone but heself for her mistakes. just like her mom did to her, yet she doesnt try to change.

I'm so so sorry, I'm a young mother. When my baby was a toddler I was a terrible, terrible mother. I told my daughter I hated her more than once, and would be mad at her constantly, I hit her, told her I wish I never had her. I got a lot better with a lot of help. I hate me from a few years ago now. I absolutely hate who I was, I wish there was some sort of time machine that I could use to go back and beat the **** out of myself instead, tell me I'm a useless stupid moron *****, even killing myself so she wouldn't have such a ****** mom. She's a kid now, 6 years old. I try to do so much better, I never slip if I get mad to the point of hitting, I just leave and hit myself instead. I regret it everyday, I think about how it affected her, if she remembers still, how it might affect her later in her adulthood. I she ever asked about it, I would NEVER deny it, and I'd get on my knees for forgiveness. Even have her hurt me instead if it made her feel better, I wouldn't even ever fight back. Now that she tells me she loves me, it breaks my heart to pieces because I'm aware I don't deserve it in a million years.

I'm so sorry your mother didn't realize her mistakes, I'm sorry you had to go through with that. I can't help but read your story and think about my little one when she's old. I hope one day your mom realizes too that that special unconditional love everyone talks about is so special is actually is the bond of you and your daughter.

We lived the same life, Im in a position I keep seeing her though, and its stsarting to really effect me. Its cause im seeing her randomly , multiple times a month this is going on, not cause im just randomly loosin g it right??

I hate my mother even though her husband was more abusive than she was. I blame her for marrying him and letting him destroy me. I blame her for always taking his side and turning a blind eye to his abuse. I blame her because she doesn’t love me because she has no idea what love is and that he actually does love me. I hate her because I can’t stop loving her because she’s my mother. I want to stop hurting and hated and being angry but the abuse has ****** me up in so many ways. I am sorry you can relate to me but I appreciate you sharing.

I just read these and it made me cry. I'm 28 and I still find my experiences so hard to deal with. My mum hasn't been in my life for nearly 7 years but the way she treated my little sister and I was horrendous. We were both beaten, neglected and deprived of love from as young as we can remember. She was an alcoholic who had turned to drink after having a brain haemorrhage. She used to tell us how much she hated us whenever we were in the house, so my dad used to drive us round all day and night until we fell asleep. He tried to look after us but she would beat him too. We were a really private family and nobody knew because she lived like a recluse. My grandmother took me in when i was about 6 but my sister stayed at home. Both of us spent our life moving in and out of my grandparents. My sister had it a lot worse than me so she was dependant on my dad and wanted to stay at home. She's now 27 and hasn't left the house for nearly 5 years. She has severe epilepsy and major depression. My poor little sister, she suffers so much with her self esteem and it's all because of my mum! She pretends nothing ever happened and it's scary because I remember it so vividly. My mum lives on her own now and gave up drinking 7 years ago, she is soooo different now but i can't even speak to her, it makes me so angry that I had to live the way I did and that i was such a good girl like my sister and we only ever felt like we were a burden and were constantly watching her drunken violent antics! I've slept in the back garden, cleaned her sick up, carried her to bed when she couldn't walk to wake up in the morning and get dragged out my bed and start being punched because i would tip her vodka away. I will never be able to trust anyone because the one person who should have loved us abused us for soo long. Most days I'm ok, but when I find myself in a situation where I feel like I've done something wrong or i don't get praise for doing something well, i start feeling worthless again. I try so hard to do things to make people happy, just to feel appreciated but I have my really bad days like today where I just feel so lonely and pathetic. It breaks my heart, I wish I could forgive her because she's a lonely old lady now and with alcohol out of the equation, she is the mum i wish she was when i needed her. The family pretend she wasn't an abuser and try and tell me that she was 'ill' when i was younger but they never saw her and how frightened we all were of her. I just look at my sister and see the impact her behaviour had on us all. When she was in a bad mood, I would open all of the windows so someone would hear us scream if she came after us, in hope that she would stop incase a neighbour heard what she was doing to us all. Not one of my friends know how bad this effects me now, I don't think they could understand. It was a living nightmare untill i turned 17. I just want to feel loved but i don't know how to have any trust. I try but it just falls apart and i end up in bad relationships with people who treat me bad. I wish i could turn back time, i wish my dad had left her sooner, looked after us both properly, instead of running round trying to stop my mum drinking and making a show of us. I just hope one day what i went through will stop impacting and dictating my future. I don't want to live my life worrying about how people can hurt me. I'm so alert to danger and it rules my life! I just want to feel safe and loved....

I don't know what to do my mother always screams at me tells me I'm an idiot annoying these things replay in my mind over and over again making me feel like nothing she has hit me and all my other 3 sisters before and when she is pretty mad she will pinch my arm until I have a purple/ black/ blue bruise on my arm, my teacher will ask whats wrong and it kills me but I always have to make a story up leaving me broken on the inside she never pays attentions to me and neglects me most of the time DCF has been called on her 3 times before but she has a split personality confusing me one minute she a mother the next she's an abuser I am always scared to talk thinking if I say the wrong word(s) she will attack me i just kills me when our social worker asks us how we are doing and my mother before hand tells us what to say my sister also is an alcoholic ( she started drinking at 14 ) and does drugs (mostly marajiana) along with my other sis who also smokes weed in front of me and they both smoke cigs but if I tell someone I'm afraid that I'll be taken away I have severe anxiety and think about her abuse 22 hours a day i even dream about it but if I get taken away I will have to go to my dads he also neglects us he lives a town over and works in our town and passes our house 12 times a day yet I have not seen him in over 2 months and on our birthdays he leaves he also self medicated with booz and he has a literal phycotic wife who told us she tried to have a baby with our dad while my mom and dad were married at my age of 3 but u have a wonderful teacher named mrs.o ( I'm going to leave her unnamed ) she is so fun and has helped me through ALOT i dream and think and wish everyday she was my mom I could never explain the feeling I have with her she makes me laugh and is my motherly figure I'm 11 in 5 the grade and 2 months from now going to the middle school I will miss her so much I'm not sure if I should tell her or not plz help!!!

Hi sabby222 I did the same thing as you. I lied to protect my mom and I too was afraid to be taken away. It's like we are wired to protect them even though they abuse us. I wish everyday that I would have had the courage to tell the truth to social workers. It would have completely changed my life. Im not saying it's not scary but it can't be worse than what ur going through alrdy. Tell about your fears about ur dad and that he's not a suitable parent either . I'm sorry you are going through this. I know at ur age it's hard to do something about it! I waited till I was 16 and illegally left to move in with a family. But u are ahead of the game , because you know u need out and that u and ur siblings don't deserve this. Tell someone please. I hope you do.

Thank you.

I had a dream that like when I was around ur age my mom was picking my sisters skin off and beating her. In reality I was too scared and went along with it. But in my dream, I called the Cops and told them my mom was beating my sister. It was a sign of what I should have done. Does that make sense. And did by read my experience with my mother?

I applaud you for having the courage to post this. I have been through a very similar experience. My mother abused my sister and I our while lives. We both left illegally at 16. She would mentally physically and verbally abuse us as we'll . She stabbed my sister and constantly has dilusions resulting in her trying to kill us. She had us isolated from any family or friends. It is a struggle to keep her out of my life, and my head everyday. She also Denies the abuse and I don't know if she actually knows what she has done. I am 24 now and I have been through therapy and meds I have ptsd ,anxiety disorder , agoraphobia, depression, panic disorder. I was also never built up before I was broke down. I cannot hold a job because my anxiety and panic are so severe and I've been this way my whole life because of her. And I am also afraid to have children but I know that I am aware and do not have the same mental illness as my mother. My sister had her first child a year ago and we've managed to keep the baby safe away from our mom and my sister is the most amazing mom. Very inspiring.

Me too. Both of my parents, and as I still live under the same roof as them the emotional, mental and physical abuse continues. My parents give the impression they love me, and buy me nice things, but the abuse I endure does not make up for the nice monetary goods. A black eye does not mean you love me, and bullying me to the verge of me questioning myself, that I "will never be anything in life" and im a "stupid failure of a daughter" the most minute of their insults. Its hard to try and cope with it 24/7

Same here :'( And I thought I was the only one :'(

I badly want to get over. But it's so difficult and I don't know how. :'(

I never had parents (parents love & nurture you). All I had was the man that had sex with the woman that gave birth to me.I will soon be 59yrs and yet it still hurts, I wish that I could move on, but when you are told as a child "you weren't wanted, you were a mistake" while she smashes a sugar bowl over your head, eventually I ended up in a childrens home.I was bullied as I would never fight back, when parents have knocked any spirit out of you and if you do show a spark, then the beating is even worse.They are both dead now, but I still cannot move on.I wish that I could.

I am so sorry to read your experience, please don't feel bad, you are a wonderful kid and you will grow up one day and have your own family that will love you and take care of each other.<br />
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I had expereinced almost an identical childhood, I am an adult man now, but when I was a boy and a teenager. My parent's marriage wasn't working, my dad travelled alot and was always busy with work. We were left at home with my mom, we had a good life but my mom was verbally and physically abusive, she used to call me worthless all the times, always said "how come you can't be like X or Y and Z" made me distance myself from my friends. Every time I meet someone she would tell me that they are better than you. The irony she was a teacher too, but quit work he job after having my second brother. <br />
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She used to beat me I can't even remember why, she would even chase me down if I ran out, till she corners me, she would beat me with a leather belt, bite, squeeze my arms and thighs with her nails till they cut my skin. Once she hit was a vase and I had to get stiches in my head. She would grap me so hard that her nail would bear scars on my skin, I still have scars from her physical abuse, she always went for the inner thighs with a flipflop or a belt to maximize pain. <br />
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She never ever said she was sorry or apologyzed for her behaviour, it made me mad a broken at the same time, I wanted to shot myself in the head one time, I used to have nightmere, that i am falling into a meat grinder and now one can help me, the dreams lasted two summres, I used to wet the bed and cry all the times. <br />
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I was A+ student, I started falling behind at school, smoke, I ran a way once, I didn't want to stay at home any more. It was a miracle I managed to graduate university and ended up escaping town and move out of country to escape my past.<br />
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My dad, didn't do much, he said once or twice don't talk to him like that but that was it. I fetl bad, I struggled as growing up to have normal relationships and act normal, I might act normal but I get angry so fast, i felt less than everyone else, always felt worthless, had a successful job and started a successful business but never felt success, always felt less and worthless. I wasn't able to commuicate well sometimes, I get made, I was very sensitive to comments. It took me 15 years later to understand that it was child abuse and it's not normal, I had no idea that when I was abused a child, I didn't know that this was wrong and you can't beat up your kids, at least not that way, I heard from my friends their parents hit them sometimes, but I didn't ask for details I was embarrassed. <br />
My mom denies it and claims it wasn't that bad, it hurts that she won't admit what she did is wrong. <br />
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I sometimes tear up when I see my scars and remember when used to corner me and beat me, I probably never get over it, I don't talk to my mother now and I have competely distanced myself from here. I hate her and love her at the same time, it's weird, I don't know what I am suppose to do about it and what to make of it, it still hurts sometimes but if I have a family oneday I will never treat my kids that way.

And you still love her. :-) I think you're Awesome.

Im only 14 and I realised my mother was abusing but she stop but I cry almosr every night because im scared I'll turn outlike her she sstill beats my younger siblings and threatens one day she'll leave us and I dont know what to do and im scared im really scared

My Christian Dad throughout much of my life has threatened to punch me! And there were a few times when he did.

From birth till I turned 14 y/o I suffered from a physical and emotionally abusive mother whom was dying from a terminal illness. She was perfectly normal until the most trivial thing would set her into a rampage.

She would call me names, say how worthless and stupid I was/kick/punch/rip my hair out. she broke a plate over my head while screaming that it was all my fault that she was sick and that I should die too. She then dragged me up our staircase by my hair and into my bedroom where she beat me until I was gasping for air. I couldn't breath and passed out, she then cried over my body. I woke up to her saying please breathe...please breathe...
She never even said sorry for any of the times she beat my brother and I. She never admitted the things she did. If I brought it up she would deny it and act as if nothing ever happened. There were so many times I tried to tell people what was going on so I could get my brother and I out of that house. They never believed me. They would say, you shouldn't make up such horrible things about your mom she loves you... :

To this day I find myself shoutting at those I love over stupid things. Instead of talking about it calmly my response is to shout and get upset. I've worked so hard on fixing this problem over the years and even though I've gotten better I still find myself slipping up. I feel ashamed. She damaged a part of me that makes it periodically difficult in my relationships to communicate in a healthy manner.I worry about how long my partner will put up with my outbursts.

I don't want my past to ruin my chance to have a healthy/happy future. I don't want to become anything like my mother...

it's the same for me; I try to tell people what's happening, and no one wants to admit that these things can happen. I am staring into the abyss, but no one else knows that it's there.

I don't think there is reasoning when the abuser is mentally ill.

Be Strong let God in your life and pray for the strength to let go and let him work in your heart. I did and I been there also, the only way is thru God. Find a good church family that can be your support.

Thank you for being brave and sharing. I'm trying so hard to heal right now and it really helped me to read your story and know I'm not alone.

Guys you have no idea. My parents split when I was 6 years old. My mother was gone and my father took care of me and my one year old sister. He did everything for over a year. She had an affair with her boss and ran off.

My mothers father jumped all over her and suddenly this woman I did not know came to get me and my baby sister. Dear god!

This was the beginning of hell. I was the oldest and tried to protect my sister. I took the Friday night "Mommas bad day" beating's.

No matter what I was not good enough so she beet me. I am almost 50 years old and her pleasure is laugh if I am happy! Dear lord folks like her should never be allowed to have children!

I was adopted at 3. At age 4 I had already suffered broken bones, clumps of hair pulled out, stitches to the mouth and injuries to my ears and eyes. I never could use our bathroom. At 4 she beat the hell out of me as she said I left urine drops on toilet seat. She made me pull down my pants and lay flat. Then she hauled back and punched me right in the groin. So for years I had coffee cans filled with toilet paper I hid outside. Snow or rain I went potty out in back yard. People don't understand this punching, screaming, knives to the throat, smashes to the childs head with blunt instruments goes on for hours everyday! Let me say this again Everyday and NIGHT for hours! From age 4 till about 10 I sustained broken bones to the hands, broken collar bone, damaged left ear and right eye, teeth knocked down my throat, massive lacerations and massive emotional attacks. I could go on for hours but as usual no one would believe it. It hurts me deeply to read of others who were all alone and suffered like me. I am so upset that children actually post that this is happening to them now. I found little ways to fight back. I used the old Spybot, hidden audio, motion detection cameras and such. May the heavens watch over you all. Don't let them beat you forever.

I have always been abuse since I was 10 yrds old my mom start hitting me
Calling me a piece of ****,Moran,useless trash,sick daughter . She would kick and punch me in the stromach and pull my hair and try to kill her own daughter. My older brother just watch as a got beaten up. Every time I get theathen I start crying and it's bring back painful memories. No Mather what I try I couldn't find happiness. I cause to much sorrow and pain to everyone around me.
Please help

Hey Winx, I went though/am still going though the same things as you. So if you'd ever like to vent to me.
Or anyone else for that matter.
Feel free!

Thank you so much

You are none of those horrible things she called you. Not one. You are a beautiful person. I know. I was in your shoes. After years of therapy I want to share with you what I have learned. It is not your fault. Your mother is sick, not you. You did not deserve to be treated this way. No one does. My heart goes out to you with love. I am a survivor of abuse.

it helps if you talk about it. it becomes less frightening that way.

I hear you , and feel for you. I was the eldest but only one physical abused, ggot worse of verbal. But we all got some of that. Stuff she woul have been institutionalized if anyone knew. But we had $, lots of room for her to vent. Its comopletely messed me up. At one my lowest points now just cause I keep seein g her at random. Its making me crazy

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