My Mother Destroyed Me
When I was a child my mother
abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. She used to beat me in the face and head, call me names, pull my hair and made me believe I was worthless. For most of my childhood, I didn't realize I was being abused. I guess I just thought it was normal. I think my mother has some sort of metal illness and I'm not sure if she even realizes she abused me. If she were to be confronted, I know she would deny it. She is a compulsive liar and has denied other things I have confronted her about. I hate her, but in some ways I still love and care about her. The woman has warped my mind. I don't function normally in social situations or life in general and I blame it on her. She broke me down, before I was ever built up. I blocked a lot the abuse from my mind, but as the years pass I remember more and more details. I guess I Just wasn't ready to deal with the abuse until later in life. I don't really want to deal with it now but I assume remembering these things will allow me to heal. I don't think I will ever forgive her for all the terrible things she did to me. Now, I have to ask was My father blind to all this abuse? He worked a lot and the more I think about it I guess he wasn't usually home when the physical abuse occurred. But, I know he was around when some of the verbal abuse took place. It just isnt right for a mother to call her dauhter all the terrible names that are used to degrade women. I guess he is almost as guilty as her. It is a terrible thing to have hate for your parents. I wonder, if my mother was abused as child. I guess I'm searching for some reasoning behind the abuse. In conflicts, my first instint is to hit. She did this to me; she made me this way. At times, I really do feel worthless. I am just searching for someone to love me and to care about me. My parents usually become physical with each other during arguments. It is almost like violence is the only thing I know. I fear the thought of ever having a child of my own. Would I hurt my own child as I was hurt? I just can't understand why anyone would hurt a child the way I was hurt. There are many details I'm just not ready to talk about. I want to heal and be able to live a happy life. The scars may fade, but they will always be there. I know the abuse I received is nothing compared to what some children go through. I'm deeply saddened at the thought of other children being abused. I know so many have suffered terrible fates. They are in my thoughts and prayers.