Post

My Mother Destroyed Me

When I was a child my mother abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. She used to beat me in the face and head, call me names, pull my hair and made me believe I was worthless. For most of my childhood, I didn't realize I was being abused. I guess I just thought it was normal. I think my mother has some sort of metal illness and I'm not sure if she even realizes she abused me. If she were to be confronted, I know she would deny it. She is a compulsive liar and has denied other things I have confronted her about. I hate her, but in some ways I still love and care about her. The woman has warped my mind. I don't function normally in social situations or life in general and I blame it on her. She broke me down, before I was ever built up. I blocked a lot the abuse from my mind, but as the years pass I remember more and more details. I guess I Just wasn't ready to deal with the abuse until later in life. I don't really want to deal with it now but I assume remembering these things will allow me to heal. I don't think I will ever forgive her for all the terrible things she did to me. Now, I have to ask was My father blind to all this abuse? He worked a lot and the more I think about it I guess he wasn't usually home when the physical abuse occurred. But, I know he was around when some of the verbal abuse took place. It just isnt right for a mother to call her dauhter all the terrible names that are used to degrade women. I guess he is almost as guilty as her. It is a terrible thing to have hate for your parents. I wonder, if my mother was abused as child. I guess I'm searching for some reasoning behind the abuse. In conflicts, my first instint is to hit. She did this to me; she made me this way. At times, I really do feel worthless. I am just searching for someone to love me and to care about me. My parents usually become physical with each other during arguments. It is almost like violence is the only thing I know. I fear the thought of ever having a child of my own. Would I hurt my own child as I was hurt? I just can't understand why anyone would hurt a child the way I was hurt. There are many details I'm just not ready to talk about. I want to heal and be able to live a happy life. The scars may fade, but they will always be there. I know the abuse I received is nothing compared to what some children go through. I'm deeply saddened at the thought of other children being abused. I know so many have suffered terrible fates. They are in my thoughts and prayers.
AyselMoonbaby AyselMoonbaby 31-35, F 82 Responses Mar 18, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

i suffered abuse from my mother ever since i was a child she hits me calls me names till this very day she makes me the most unhappy perspn ever..i have freinds and when i see their relationships with their moms i get sad i never had anyone to talk too when i was a teen no one to share my thoughts or joys or sadness i was beaten somdays till i bleed now i have zero confidence in my self i beleive that im a complet looser and everything i do is wrong and my life is just worthless she destroyed me as a human being i beleive that i dont deserve to be loved now my boyfreind is trying to save what left of me he give me too much love and care sometimes i think its too much for me cuz no body actually cared that much why would he care..... i really want to forgive her but i can't i have nightmares all the time i suffer from depression now almost all my life i can't be happy and till today she still callin me names " fat looser b**** ugly "

Wow, the way you articulated your story.... It could've been written by me, verbatim. Thank you for providing a sounding board, because I feel so defeated right now.
Like I just want to get a new identity and go far far away from the pain. But, in truth, I lead a quite fulfilling life when it doesn't involve my mother. She has the ability to suck the happiness out of Mickey Mouse.

Just today, 6/26/14, in a Walmart parking lot, my mother called me f-ing bi+ch. Why? I was due to meet up w/her outside in the parking lot to pick up some stuff from her and I parked and waited for her to show up. And waited and waited. Finally, 25 minutes later she comes out with a shopping cart and I smiled and waved her over. I simply said, "hi mom, I've been out here waiting, I thought we said to meet outside". She EXPLODED, "What are you, stupid? I'm not gonna wait outside for you in the heat, like some kind of idiot, you f-ing bi+ch. I decided to shop and let you come inside to find me. Idiot." I could tell she was dying to slap my face. She always has a hand up, ready to strike me when she gets irate. But there were witnesses, and security cameras. God forbid the outside world sees her true violent nature.
So I got "stupid", "f-ing bi+ch" and "idiot" within a period of less than 30 seconds. In public. Oh I forgot to mention, I'd brought her a dunkin Donuts coffee and muffin and she finished with "I don't want your f-ing goddam gifts. I walked away, got in my car and my stinging hot tears spilled forth as I drove to work.
I'm 41, and she still has the precise ability to reduce me to a trembling, fragile little scared girl.
Also, I have MS, and she uses it against me, says that my illness made me evil and hateful. I was diagnosed when I was 17. I remember being in a wheelchair after my whole left side went numb, and she had gotten frustrated with my disability that I got smacked upside the head one time, that she denies doing to this day.
Mind you, I have a healthy and loving relationship with my man and not to toot my horn, but I get along wonderfully with everyone, friends and coworkers alike.
I'm an only child. My dad is just the sweetest, gentlest man. He's her victim too, she has worn him down to a nub over the past 40 years of marriage.

Thank you for letting me vent. It's comforting to know there are others like me, and this is not just in my imagination. I swear I could sob uncontrollably right now, but I'm working and have to put on a brave face

Add a response...

Dear AyselMoonbaby
You are not alone. I am 33 and have suffered a similar experience with my mother. Recently I read many articles on the internet about her symptoms (because I always thought there is something wrong with her) and I found information about a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). You may want to research a bit and see if your mother fits the description (mine does 99%). It will not help much but at least you will understand WHY. There is nothing wrong with you, there never was and at any rate NOTHING about any child out there could ever justify this kind of behavior. As counter-intuitive as this may sound, I don't think you should blame your father too much. It wasn't that he wasn't home when those things happened, people with NPD PURPOSEFULLY conceal their abuse so that the child will never be believed by others, so she was probably careful to abuse you especially when he wasn't around. My mother did that - always when we were alone, never when others were around. Furthermore, its very likely that she terrorized your father as well and subdued him with careful manipulation - these people don't give up until they make the lives of ALL their close ones a living hell. But please, I beg you, don't EVER, EVER think you are worthless! If you'd like to talk about it, feel welcome to write to me.

I am so sorry for what you have experienced. In my opinion she was abused as a child because that is what she saw so that is what she did. But more importantly I also received horrible abuse as a child and I do not abuse my children. I am exactly the opposite giving them everything they need and that I didn't have. My Mom was there but she was busy getting beaten so she didn't have time to nurture, care etc. She would have been killed if she left so she was in a tough place. <br />
It's all about choices. Even though we were abused we choose how we act. No one can make us act a certain way we choose our behavior as adults even though the lessons we learned were not appropriate. <br />
You need to get into therapy and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about it so you can move through it. There is no other way, you can't stuff it down inside because it will come out in other ways like physical illness etc. You can do this, you are here for a purpose and you will shine. Give yourself the gift of therapy and move through this horrible experience so you can begin the next chapter of your life. You are a beautiful soul, I can feel it in your writing. God Bless.

I know what your going through, I am going through the same thing right now with my mother. My father is kind and he trys to stand up for me, or at least distract her so I can get away. My mum does hit me, way more than any mother ever should. But the worst is the verbal and emotional abuse. I was a very active kid and so I had to eat a lot to maintain a healthy weight, but when I stoped sports I kept eating the same ammount and was gaining weight. I have struggled to stop eating as much but it is a struggle. Eating is my escape, and so are books. My mum drove me to creating a fantasy in my head where I live in a perfect world and everything is fine and I have people who love me. I get all of that through books and I can literaly hide in books. When I read I tune out the entire world, and I feel safe and protected. The only other person who knows my story is my Best Friend, the problem is that I love my mum so much and I have begged her not to call the police. The problem with books is that they give me this feeling that all people can be saved and that everyone changes. Also I think that because I have lived with this my whole life I wouldn't know how not to live. In a peacful home, where I'm not being called a fat, lazy, bi**. I don't even know what that would be like, somewhere where I feel I belong. Everything my mother has said to me has destroyed me. I am in the middle of a toss up each week it is something different, one week I will be stuffing my face trying to feel better and the next week I starve myself hoping to lose weight and make my mum proud. I don't know what is going on, how to live a happy life. My entire life is in my head, I literaly retreat into myself to feel safe, or to my dad if he is there. My head, my books, and my dad are the only places I feel safe and that is just plain sad or is it, I really don't know. <br />
I know this entire thing probably doesn't make sense, but you are the first person I know who has experienced the exact samething as me, I thought i was alone. some people might not care and thats fine by me but atleast I know someone just like me. I don't have anyone to tell, my dad knows everything he has witnessed everything, but he hasn't done anything about it. I really don't know what to do because I feel that I don't have any control about what goes on in my life and to make it worse I have autism, which really takes away my control.

I survived, and you can too.<br />
<br />
I just want everyone out there who's living with abuse, or who's lived with abuse in the past, to know that it gets better.<br />
<br />
I remember feeling like I'd never escape my mother's abuse. I didn't have a safe place growing up, a way to get away from her when she got into one of her "moods". I used to hide in a closet or lock myself in a bathroom, turn out all the lights and lay there on the floor for hours just to feel like I had a place where she couldn't get to me.<br />
<br />
I'll always be affected by the damage she'd done: physically and emotionally. But I survived, and over time it gets easier and easier to understand and to live with the pain.<br />
<br />
I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to finding a way to "belong" in social situations, and in trusting other people. But I do have a life that's mine, now. And, luckily, someone who loves me.<br />
<br />
Don't despair. If you have nowhere else to go, you just have to endure. You have to remind yourself, every day, that you are a strong and worthwhile person, that you deserve better, and you have to start making a plan. Find ways to get out of that life as soon as you can, ways to be independent. And when it feels like there's nothing left and no way out, it isn't true. You just have to carry on. It WILL get better.<br />
<br />
There will come a day when you'll be free of the abuse, and, as an adult you'll have to make the choice not to let that abuse back into your life. Ever. In any form.<br />
<br />
Today, I still have a relationship with my mother. She's still manipulative and she still tries to be controlling, and I understand that I'll have to watch her closely with my own children (if ever I allow her near them) and that I may have to resort to cutting her out of my life one day if she attempts to abuse me, or anyone I love, again.<br />
<br />
I still haven't really forgiven her for what she's done to me in the past, a task that gets harder when she herself refuses to acknowledge any of the abuse. But none of this changes the fact that she is my mother, and that I do love her very much. That said - once you're out from under the thumb of your abuser, you don't ever have to put up with their abuse. Ever again.

I am so sorry. I am going through this right now. I am 13 years old, and I am trying to find love and care in this world. I know what it feels to be "you". Similarly to some of the other people, I could've written this myself. I don't know if you're religious, but sometimes... I wonder why God gave me to this woman... I admire you so much. I am about to resort to suicide. I cannot take it anymore. How did you endure through this? You are so courageous and I admire you from every perspective.

Do not resort to suicide. DO NOT. It will be a huge mistake, and one you can't take back. Things will get better. They WILL. I promise you.

I WAS you, once. And I, too, was convinced that the only way to get away from the pain was to end everything. Now, I'm so thankful that I reached out to someone I knew I could trust and that I never did anything to harm myself.

You're going to be okay. You really are. This is a hard, disparaging time and it FEELS like there's no way out, but there IS a way out.

The only way out is straight ahead. Keep enduring, and tell someone what you're going through. As soon as you can. It feels like a long road and an unending onslaught of pain, but it does end.. and once you get out, you'll be so grateful to have made it through.

You're not alone, no matter how lonely it might feel at times. If you don't have anyone in your life right now that you can trust, it doesn't mean that person isn't on their way for you. And there are places you can go to find help, if all else fails. SAFE places.

Hey guys just thought id share my childhood experiences id be greatful if anyone has any suggestions on how i get my head around this massive injustice. My brother was abused by my older brothers bestfriend. My brother and i told our mam and she didnt call the police . SHE DID NOTHING. Not only did she stay silent, she allowed him access in the house. She allowed us ten year old to go to a houseparty because the abuser didnt know how to get there. She also allowed my brother to sleep at the abusers house as he had a younger brother who we wre friends with. He used to babysit other children and abuses them. They could have been saved had my mam called the police. She has never been charged what you think she should be.

Thanks
Jimmyricket

Hi Jimmy. It sounds like your mom was in serious denial. This is really common in abusive situations. I'm so sorry for what your brother went through, and for the trauma and anxiety it's most-likely caused him and the people who love him through the years. My question is: is this person still out there abusing children? Do you know where he is now? It's not too late to contact the authorities. Even if nothing is done, it's worth the effort to keep children safe from being exposed to this monster in the future.

Hi ayselmoonbaby, i have gone through the same torture since i was 12.. now i am 25!. Just 3 months back i planned to take my mom to a psychiatrist. She would not go if i told her that the doc wil treat her. I knew she wss in depression and had bipolar disorder.. being nice and sweet to relatives and a moster with me n my dad. Even i used to find for somebody.. a guy who could care for me as i never got it from my mom being her single child! I told mom dat i need to control my appetite so lets go to a psychiatrist, n told her u also explain your problem to the doc that u get too angry on us.. dad n i met the doc before bringing her to him and told him what all she does to us. The doc agreed and gave me a dummy medicine when i come to meet him with my mom. He told he wil gv her risperdal 1mg as these are symptoms of svhizophrenia.. bipolar disorder... Just check ur moms vitamin D and vitamin B12 levels. I think they are too low. This is related to severe depression. Now its 2mg the dose and she is like an angel! If she was like this i would have been the luckiest happiest girl in the whole planet!.. my dad sent me to a hostel for 2 years during my engineering i got a transfer of my college so that i cn be away from the tensions at home. Dad said one of us should suffer than both of us.. :( with this mom..another month she has to take her med and she wil be like any other sweet normal mother. I suggest u to meet a psychiatrist with or without ur dad and tel him wat all does ur mom do.. gud luck sweetie!

its almost like i have written this myself. My mother had done the same thing to me. I used to count on counselors to help, but they never did. my dad had left my mom because she annoyed us all. My brother loved my dad so deeply he began to form a hate for my mother around when he was 11. At that same age he went to live with my dad to get away from my mom. she mentally, verbally, and physically abused only him until he left. Then it felt like i was the next victim. And i was. she took her stress out on me and although she always told me she loves me more than the air she breathes, every time i looked into her eyes all i saw was hate, fury. my mom was abused as a child. since she was the oldest she got blamed for everything by my grandma. now since my brother isnt home, i take the blame. for everything.i have developed a hate for her, but in some way i still love her. she ignores me, hits me, neglects me, calls me names no daughter should be called, and has no respect or care for me whatsoever. she has made me want to kill myself yet she wont own up to what she has done. she blames everyone but heself for her mistakes. just like her mom did to her, yet she doesnt try to change.

I'm so so sorry, I'm a young mother. When my baby was a toddler I was a terrible, terrible mother. I told my daughter I hated her more than once, and would be mad at her constantly, I hit her, told her I wish I never had her. I got a lot better with a lot of help. I hate me from a few years ago now. I absolutely hate who I was, I wish there was some sort of time machine that I could use to go back and beat the **** out of myself instead, tell me I'm a useless stupid moron *****, even killing myself so she wouldn't have such a ****** mom. She's a kid now, 6 years old. I try to do so much better, I never slip if I get mad to the point of hitting, I just leave and hit myself instead. I regret it everyday, I think about how it affected her, if she remembers still, how it might affect her later in her adulthood. I she ever asked about it, I would NEVER deny it, and I'd get on my knees for forgiveness. Even have her hurt me instead if it made her feel better, I wouldn't even ever fight back. Now that she tells me she loves me, it breaks my heart to pieces because I'm aware I don't deserve it in a million years.

I'm so sorry your mother didn't realize her mistakes, I'm sorry you had to go through with that. I can't help but read your story and think about my little one when she's old. I hope one day your mom realizes too that that special unconditional love everyone talks about is so special is actually is the bond of you and your daughter.

We lived the same life, Im in a position I keep seeing her though, and its stsarting to really effect me. Its cause im seeing her randomly , multiple times a month this is going on, not cause im just randomly loosin g it right??

I hate my mother even though her husband was more abusive than she was. I blame her for marrying him and letting him destroy me. I blame her for always taking his side and turning a blind eye to his abuse. I blame her because she doesn’t love me because she has no idea what love is and that he actually does love me. I hate her because I can’t stop loving her because she’s my mother. I want to stop hurting and hated and being angry but the abuse has ****** me up in so many ways. I am sorry you can relate to me but I appreciate you sharing.

I just read these and it made me cry. I'm 28 and I still find my experiences so hard to deal with. My mum hasn't been in my life for nearly 7 years but the way she treated my little sister and I was horrendous. We were both beaten, neglected and deprived of love from as young as we can remember. She was an alcoholic who had turned to drink after having a brain haemorrhage. She used to tell us how much she hated us whenever we were in the house, so my dad used to drive us round all day and night until we fell asleep. He tried to look after us but she would beat him too. We were a really private family and nobody knew because she lived like a recluse. My grandmother took me in when i was about 6 but my sister stayed at home. Both of us spent our life moving in and out of my grandparents. My sister had it a lot worse than me so she was dependant on my dad and wanted to stay at home. She's now 27 and hasn't left the house for nearly 5 years. She has severe epilepsy and major depression. My poor little sister, she suffers so much with her self esteem and it's all because of my mum! She pretends nothing ever happened and it's scary because I remember it so vividly. My mum lives on her own now and gave up drinking 7 years ago, she is soooo different now but i can't even speak to her, it makes me so angry that I had to live the way I did and that i was such a good girl like my sister and we only ever felt like we were a burden and were constantly watching her drunken violent antics! I've slept in the back garden, cleaned her sick up, carried her to bed when she couldn't walk to wake up in the morning and get dragged out my bed and start being punched because i would tip her vodka away. I will never be able to trust anyone because the one person who should have loved us abused us for soo long. Most days I'm ok, but when I find myself in a situation where I feel like I've done something wrong or i don't get praise for doing something well, i start feeling worthless again. I try so hard to do things to make people happy, just to feel appreciated but I have my really bad days like today where I just feel so lonely and pathetic. It breaks my heart, I wish I could forgive her because she's a lonely old lady now and with alcohol out of the equation, she is the mum i wish she was when i needed her. The family pretend she wasn't an abuser and try and tell me that she was 'ill' when i was younger but they never saw her and how frightened we all were of her. I just look at my sister and see the impact her behaviour had on us all. When she was in a bad mood, I would open all of the windows so someone would hear us scream if she came after us, in hope that she would stop incase a neighbour heard what she was doing to us all. Not one of my friends know how bad this effects me now, I don't think they could understand. It was a living nightmare untill i turned 17. I just want to feel loved but i don't know how to have any trust. I try but it just falls apart and i end up in bad relationships with people who treat me bad. I wish i could turn back time, i wish my dad had left her sooner, looked after us both properly, instead of running round trying to stop my mum drinking and making a show of us. I just hope one day what i went through will stop impacting and dictating my future. I don't want to live my life worrying about how people can hurt me. I'm so alert to danger and it rules my life! I just want to feel safe and loved....

I don't know what to do my mother always screams at me tells me I'm an idiot annoying these things replay in my mind over and over again making me feel like nothing she has hit me and all my other 3 sisters before and when she is pretty mad she will pinch my arm until I have a purple/ black/ blue bruise on my arm, my teacher will ask whats wrong and it kills me but I always have to make a story up leaving me broken on the inside she never pays attentions to me and neglects me most of the time DCF has been called on her 3 times before but she has a split personality confusing me one minute she a mother the next she's an abuser I am always scared to talk thinking if I say the wrong word(s) she will attack me i just kills me when our social worker asks us how we are doing and my mother before hand tells us what to say my sister also is an alcoholic ( she started drinking at 14 ) and does drugs (mostly marajiana) along with my other sis who also smokes weed in front of me and they both smoke cigs but if I tell someone I'm afraid that I'll be taken away I have severe anxiety and think about her abuse 22 hours a day i even dream about it but if I get taken away I will have to go to my dads he also neglects us he lives a town over and works in our town and passes our house 12 times a day yet I have not seen him in over 2 months and on our birthdays he leaves he also self medicated with booz and he has a literal phycotic wife who told us she tried to have a baby with our dad while my mom and dad were married at my age of 3 but u have a wonderful teacher named mrs.o ( I'm going to leave her unnamed ) she is so fun and has helped me through ALOT i dream and think and wish everyday she was my mom I could never explain the feeling I have with her she makes me laugh and is my motherly figure I'm 11 in 5 the grade and 2 months from now going to the middle school I will miss her so much I'm not sure if I should tell her or not plz help!!!

Hi sabby222 I did the same thing as you. I lied to protect my mom and I too was afraid to be taken away. It's like we are wired to protect them even though they abuse us. I wish everyday that I would have had the courage to tell the truth to social workers. It would have completely changed my life. Im not saying it's not scary but it can't be worse than what ur going through alrdy. Tell about your fears about ur dad and that he's not a suitable parent either . I'm sorry you are going through this. I know at ur age it's hard to do something about it! I waited till I was 16 and illegally left to move in with a family. But u are ahead of the game , because you know u need out and that u and ur siblings don't deserve this. Tell someone please. I hope you do.

Thank you.

I had a dream that like when I was around ur age my mom was picking my sisters skin off and beating her. In reality I was too scared and went along with it. But in my dream, I called the Cops and told them my mom was beating my sister. It was a sign of what I should have done. Does that make sense. And did by read my experience with my mother?

I applaud you for having the courage to post this. I have been through a very similar experience. My mother abused my sister and I our while lives. We both left illegally at 16. She would mentally physically and verbally abuse us as we'll . She stabbed my sister and constantly has dilusions resulting in her trying to kill us. She had us isolated from any family or friends. It is a struggle to keep her out of my life, and my head everyday. She also Denies the abuse and I don't know if she actually knows what she has done. I am 24 now and I have been through therapy and meds I have ptsd ,anxiety disorder , agoraphobia, depression, panic disorder. I was also never built up before I was broke down. I cannot hold a job because my anxiety and panic are so severe and I've been this way my whole life because of her. And I am also afraid to have children but I know that I am aware and do not have the same mental illness as my mother. My sister had her first child a year ago and we've managed to keep the baby safe away from our mom and my sister is the most amazing mom. Very inspiring.

Me too. Both of my parents, and as I still live under the same roof as them the emotional, mental and physical abuse continues. My parents give the impression they love me, and buy me nice things, but the abuse I endure does not make up for the nice monetary goods. A black eye does not mean you love me, and bullying me to the verge of me questioning myself, that I "will never be anything in life" and im a "stupid failure of a daughter" the most minute of their insults. Its hard to try and cope with it 24/7

Same here :'( And I thought I was the only one :'(

I badly want to get over. But it's so difficult and I don't know how. :'(

I never had parents (parents love & nurture you). All I had was the man that had sex with the woman that gave birth to me.I will soon be 59yrs and yet it still hurts, I wish that I could move on, but when you are told as a child "you weren't wanted, you were a mistake" while she smashes a sugar bowl over your head, eventually I ended up in a childrens home.I was bullied as I would never fight back, when parents have knocked any spirit out of you and if you do show a spark, then the beating is even worse.They are both dead now, but I still cannot move on.I wish that I could.

I am so sorry to read your experience, please don't feel bad, you are a wonderful kid and you will grow up one day and have your own family that will love you and take care of each other.<br />
<br />
I had expereinced almost an identical childhood, I am an adult man now, but when I was a boy and a teenager. My parent's marriage wasn't working, my dad travelled alot and was always busy with work. We were left at home with my mom, we had a good life but my mom was verbally and physically abusive, she used to call me worthless all the times, always said "how come you can't be like X or Y and Z" made me distance myself from my friends. Every time I meet someone she would tell me that they are better than you. The irony she was a teacher too, but quit work he job after having my second brother. <br />
<br />
She used to beat me I can't even remember why, she would even chase me down if I ran out, till she corners me, she would beat me with a leather belt, bite, squeeze my arms and thighs with her nails till they cut my skin. Once she hit was a vase and I had to get stiches in my head. She would grap me so hard that her nail would bear scars on my skin, I still have scars from her physical abuse, she always went for the inner thighs with a flipflop or a belt to maximize pain. <br />
<br />
She never ever said she was sorry or apologyzed for her behaviour, it made me mad a broken at the same time, I wanted to shot myself in the head one time, I used to have nightmere, that i am falling into a meat grinder and now one can help me, the dreams lasted two summres, I used to wet the bed and cry all the times. <br />
<br />
I was A+ student, I started falling behind at school, smoke, I ran a way once, I didn't want to stay at home any more. It was a miracle I managed to graduate university and ended up escaping town and move out of country to escape my past.<br />
<br />
My dad, didn't do much, he said once or twice don't talk to him like that but that was it. I fetl bad, I struggled as growing up to have normal relationships and act normal, I might act normal but I get angry so fast, i felt less than everyone else, always felt worthless, had a successful job and started a successful business but never felt success, always felt less and worthless. I wasn't able to commuicate well sometimes, I get made, I was very sensitive to comments. It took me 15 years later to understand that it was child abuse and it's not normal, I had no idea that when I was abused a child, I didn't know that this was wrong and you can't beat up your kids, at least not that way, I heard from my friends their parents hit them sometimes, but I didn't ask for details I was embarrassed. <br />
My mom denies it and claims it wasn't that bad, it hurts that she won't admit what she did is wrong. <br />
<br />
I sometimes tear up when I see my scars and remember when used to corner me and beat me, I probably never get over it, I don't talk to my mother now and I have competely distanced myself from here. I hate her and love her at the same time, it's weird, I don't know what I am suppose to do about it and what to make of it, it still hurts sometimes but if I have a family oneday I will never treat my kids that way.

And you still love her. :-) I think you're Awesome.

Im only 14 and I realised my mother was abusing but she stop but I cry almosr every night because im scared I'll turn outlike her she sstill beats my younger siblings and threatens one day she'll leave us and I dont know what to do and im scared im really scared

My Christian Dad throughout much of my life has threatened to punch me! And there were a few times when he did.

From birth till I turned 14 y/o I suffered from a physical and emotionally abusive mother whom was dying from a terminal illness. She was perfectly normal until the most trivial thing would set her into a rampage.

She would call me names, say how worthless and stupid I was/kick/punch/rip my hair out. she broke a plate over my head while screaming that it was all my fault that she was sick and that I should die too. She then dragged me up our staircase by my hair and into my bedroom where she beat me until I was gasping for air. I couldn't breath and passed out, she then cried over my body. I woke up to her saying please breathe...please breathe...
She never even said sorry for any of the times she beat my brother and I. She never admitted the things she did. If I brought it up she would deny it and act as if nothing ever happened. There were so many times I tried to tell people what was going on so I could get my brother and I out of that house. They never believed me. They would say, you shouldn't make up such horrible things about your mom she loves you... :

To this day I find myself shoutting at those I love over stupid things. Instead of talking about it calmly my response is to shout and get upset. I've worked so hard on fixing this problem over the years and even though I've gotten better I still find myself slipping up. I feel ashamed. She damaged a part of me that makes it periodically difficult in my relationships to communicate in a healthy manner.I worry about how long my partner will put up with my outbursts.

I don't want my past to ruin my chance to have a healthy/happy future. I don't want to become anything like my mother...

it's the same for me; I try to tell people what's happening, and no one wants to admit that these things can happen. I am staring into the abyss, but no one else knows that it's there.

I don't think there is reasoning when the abuser is mentally ill.

Be Strong let God in your life and pray for the strength to let go and let him work in your heart. I did and I been there also, the only way is thru God. Find a good church family that can be your support.

Thank you for being brave and sharing. I'm trying so hard to heal right now and it really helped me to read your story and know I'm not alone.

Guys you have no idea. My parents split when I was 6 years old. My mother was gone and my father took care of me and my one year old sister. He did everything for over a year. She had an affair with her boss and ran off.

My mothers father jumped all over her and suddenly this woman I did not know came to get me and my baby sister. Dear god!

This was the beginning of hell. I was the oldest and tried to protect my sister. I took the Friday night "Mommas bad day" beating's.

No matter what I was not good enough so she beet me. I am almost 50 years old and her pleasure is laugh if I am happy! Dear lord folks like her should never be allowed to have children!

I was adopted at 3. At age 4 I had already suffered broken bones, clumps of hair pulled out, stitches to the mouth and injuries to my ears and eyes. I never could use our bathroom. At 4 she beat the hell out of me as she said I left urine drops on toilet seat. She made me pull down my pants and lay flat. Then she hauled back and punched me right in the groin. So for years I had coffee cans filled with toilet paper I hid outside. Snow or rain I went potty out in back yard. People don't understand this punching, screaming, knives to the throat, smashes to the childs head with blunt instruments goes on for hours everyday! Let me say this again Everyday and NIGHT for hours! From age 4 till about 10 I sustained broken bones to the hands, broken collar bone, damaged left ear and right eye, teeth knocked down my throat, massive lacerations and massive emotional attacks. I could go on for hours but as usual no one would believe it. It hurts me deeply to read of others who were all alone and suffered like me. I am so upset that children actually post that this is happening to them now. I found little ways to fight back. I used the old Spybot, hidden audio, motion detection cameras and such. May the heavens watch over you all. Don't let them beat you forever.

I have always been abuse since I was 10 yrds old my mom start hitting me
Calling me a piece of ****,Moran,useless trash,sick daughter . She would kick and punch me in the stromach and pull my hair and try to kill her own daughter. My older brother just watch as a got beaten up. Every time I get theathen I start crying and it's bring back painful memories. No Mather what I try I couldn't find happiness. I cause to much sorrow and pain to everyone around me.
Please help

Hey Winx, I went though/am still going though the same things as you. So if you'd ever like to vent to me.
Or anyone else for that matter.
Feel free!

Thank you so much

You are none of those horrible things she called you. Not one. You are a beautiful person. I know. I was in your shoes. After years of therapy I want to share with you what I have learned. It is not your fault. Your mother is sick, not you. You did not deserve to be treated this way. No one does. My heart goes out to you with love. I am a survivor of abuse.

it helps if you talk about it. it becomes less frightening that way.

I hear you , and feel for you. I was the eldest but only one physical abused, ggot worse of verbal. But we all got some of that. Stuff she woul have been institutionalized if anyone knew. But we had $, lots of room for her to vent. Its comopletely messed me up. At one my lowest points now just cause I keep seein g her at random. Its making me crazy

2 More Responses

It sound exactly 100% of mu childhood and I always think about it , everyday of my life , it makes me sick but I still forgive my mom even if I have big damages in my kife because of her

Its natural, u probably like me saw the other most common person in hyour life as a hero, even if he left you to be beat. Later in life you try and blame the sick one less, out of educationor just cause it hurts you less. Im going threw problems of this and im 32. Anyone going threw this under age 18 needs to tell their school, its abuse, and the abuser needs help(PERIOD)