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My Mother Destroyed Me

When I was a child my mother abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. She used to beat me in the face and head, call me names, pull my hair and made me believe I was worthless. For most of my childhood, I didn't realize I was being abused. I guess I just thought it was normal. I think my mother has some sort of metal illness and I'm not sure if she even realizes she abused me. If she were to be confronted, I know she would deny it. She is a compulsive liar and has denied other things I have confronted her about. I hate her, but in some ways I still love and care about her. The woman has warped my mind. I don't function normally in social situations or life in general and I blame it on her. She broke me down, before I was ever built up. I blocked a lot the abuse from my mind, but as the years pass I remember more and more details. I guess I Just wasn't ready to deal with the abuse until later in life. I don't really want to deal with it now but I assume remembering these things will allow me to heal. I don't think I will ever forgive her for all the terrible things she did to me. Now, I have to ask was My father blind to all this abuse? He worked a lot and the more I think about it I guess he wasn't usually home when the physical abuse occurred. But, I know he was around when some of the verbal abuse took place. It just isnt right for a mother to call her dauhter all the terrible names that are used to degrade women. I guess he is almost as guilty as her. It is a terrible thing to have hate for your parents. I wonder, if my mother was abused as child. I guess I'm searching for some reasoning behind the abuse. In conflicts, my first instint is to hit. She did this to me; she made me this way. At times, I really do feel worthless. I am just searching for someone to love me and to care about me. My parents usually become physical with each other during arguments. It is almost like violence is the only thing I know. I fear the thought of ever having a child of my own. Would I hurt my own child as I was hurt? I just can't understand why anyone would hurt a child the way I was hurt. There are many details I'm just not ready to talk about. I want to heal and be able to live a happy life. The scars may fade, but they will always be there. I know the abuse I received is nothing compared to what some children go through. I'm deeply saddened at the thought of other children being abused. I know so many have suffered terrible fates. They are in my thoughts and prayers.
AyselMoonbaby AyselMoonbaby 31-35, F 106 Responses Mar 18, 2011

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Hey, I relate to a lot of the things you say here. My parents abused me too and I can't forgive them.. I still have nightmares a lot.. I just wonder why it has to be like this for some people.. I wish I could be normal but I know I never will be.

I know this is an old post. But I feel your pain all too well. I was physically, mentally and verbally abused by my stepmother and father. Even before the abuse I witnessed abuse as a very young child. I don't remember much about that time but I do still have same feelings as I did then. My father pyschially abused my mother to the point she would use drugs to be numb to the abuse. And it was his fault why she was pushed that far. But that is a whole other story. The abuse towards me started when my father met my stepmother. Everything was great for the first couple months. My mother was out of the picture so I looked to my stepmother to take on the role. I was only a 7 year old girl. then everything went to hell and I thought I would never escape her hold over me. She had told me I couldn't hug my father or call him "daddy". I became a huge daddy's girl after my mother left not knowing any better. So she took the only person I had away after the first 6 months. Then she went on to tear me down everyday in anyway possible. She would punch me in the face when I needed discipline for something any child would do. She would pull me around by my hair. My father used to do that also. She would tell me I wasn't worthy of living. She would tell me so many times noone loved me, and I didn't know what love is. She would tell me she wishes I would die. She would tell me if I told my dad she would have him get rid of me. she chopped my all my hair off for disrespecting my father and not completing her outrageous punishment. She told me when I was 14 years old that one of us would be dead by the time i turn 18. I had to learn to wash my clothes by myself at 8 years old because she was tired of washing my stuff. I used to have accidents every night in bed and she would tell my father I was to lazy to go to the bathroom. But Really it was Only Because my nerves were shot. It got to the point I would eat old food in our extra refrigerator because I couldnot be around her without her abusing me in some way. The only time I was safe is when my father was there. I was punished for 9 months for not cleaning my room. Then another time was 6 months. But they ended up breaking up several times. And every time my dad left her he started to drink heavy and be abusive towards me and my brother. My father even told me he hopes i get raped. Then denied it. I would cry in the corner as kid because he would kick my brother in his once broken leg with steel toe boots. My brother can now only laugh when he is scared or being hurt. I have several mental problems. I my mind detaches even from my own body. There was one time my stepmother actually got caught by someone who called cps for her giving me a black eye at 11-12 years old for lying about having an accident. I went to live with an aunt for 6 months until my dad moved out. Then once my stepmother was off probation he moved us back into her house. They would continously lie to me about my mother in ways no child should ever hear. It got the point that she would only kick me out and i would jump from house to house.. I could go on and on. But i want to tell you what I am doing to heal. I don't know if you are religious but i do know if you trust in God he will fulfill your needs. He will help you heal and give you strength to live the life He made for you. After all we both are very strong people even when we don't feel it. Try to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. Surround yourself with people that know your worth and prove it to you. Pray and ask God for his presence. I started praying a few days ago and i am really focused on trusting God and letting Him work in his ways. If you still need guidance I can give you the name of the person that lead me towards God. I have only known him a few days but he already has a huge impact on my life. I am getting better each day. And I can not wait to finally feel the unconditional love God wants to give to me. Also seeing a therapist that specializes in trauma will help alot as well. I hope you find the comfort you are seeking. Maybe we can get to know each more since we both know the pain and baggage we carry around.

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Don't allow your parents to break your spirit, leave, these are tixic people. You can be emancipated from them and force them to support you outside of the home. You owe them nothing. I was raped as a child and abused mentally and emotionally. Seperate right from wrong, report the abuse to as many people as you can. I told all my mothers family, she was embarrassed , good. I haven't had much to do with her ir my brother in over 30 years. I am 53 with sux kids, I have never abused my kids and never would. My mother is mentally disturbed. Iniwe her nothing. I forgive her but I don't need to keep a toxic person in my life. The notion of one bug happy family is a falicy and is not true. I lived in a very toxic and dysfunctional family. I was in foster care 3 times and bever wanted to go home. I made sure that when I was able to leave ? I would never have to go back. She's all alone now by her own doing. Don't feel sorry for these people they never were your mother or father. I found people who love me for me. I tell my kids everyday how much I love them. I didn't reoeat a pattern and you don't gave to either. Choose who you want to be and how you want to be. Walk away and never look back. Gid will deal with them you don't have to. Get help, talk therapy is good, sometimes you need to talk about it to get it off if your mind. The brain us a filing cabinet and stores all the memories, that's what they are. Memories, tell yourself you are free. If you don't allow them to break your spirit they can't. Make something of your life for you and your future. You can do this. I did. 💜

I many way we all face huge dilemmas in life. Parents never ever ever got along ... fights would only escalate. Violance was an innvetability... The abuse change of country schools ... have my home burn down losing everything at 6 years old . Value of right and wrong were very squed. Social issues , school problem ... eventually I was going to court every other day as evidence to help my mother case. 12 years to 16 years full of decite, bridary, corruption I found it very difficult to trust People. Finally after we win promptly my mother steal all my money and sell my Home. Later my father decides to keep fighting with her as to there divorce . Till today . Father decides to take responsibility after 30 years and decides to establish me .. Make me change location on rent keeps me there and the trys to sue me and put me in prison because he is a religious nut and want to give all his money to a temple and a guy . Not his money his ancestral wealth ..... This so called father only did this when my daughter was born.... He didn't meet her or gift her anything. No they are currently both fighting for my grand father property and wealth. And have kept me in abject poverty. Sucking tons of money for court fees and trying to kill me of.
As I was told sign that nothing is your and you don't want anything and we won't finish you and your family off. Father is a rich never worked a proper day in his life . Juiced his parents for everything slept with everything and is still alive claiming a spiritual path .
Wanting to give money to a temple full if perversion that he wants and live there till the end . Destroying every single trace of family in this world .. I am/ have and /will suffer this cure affected by my parents on me my whole life ... I accept my reality

My mom does the same.. She always tell me things for me to feel stupid, worthless and that everything that comes out of my mouth is stupid (actually, both my mom and my dad say this to me). And that's why I've always been very shy and bad in social situations, I hate talking because I'm always afraid that I'll sound stupid. She's been hitting me with objects, kicking me and punching me since I was around 7. Tonight, she hit me for absolutely no reason... She came into my room at 1 am and hit be a water bottle in the head multiple times! I have no idea what I did! And you know what's the funny part??? SHE NEVER EVEN LAYED A HAND ON MY BROTHER WHO IS FAILING SCHOOL, HAS BEEN KICKED OUT OF A SCHOOL FOR BAD BEHAVIOUR, LAST WEEK HE GOT SENT HOME FOR 3 DAYS BECAUSE HE TOUCHED A GIRLS ***. I am attending a really good college (the best one in my city!!! I worked really hard to get in), I am studying hard (until 1 am most nights), and I never got in trouble!!!!!!!!!! When she is old, I hope my brother will take care of her, because I am so done with her behaviour. I can't wait to leave this **** of a "family". Thanks for sharing! And yes, it is true that I hate her, but I also still love her. It doesnt matter how bad she treats me, there will always be a part of me that will still love her. And that SUCKS.

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Oh my god, your story is very similar to mine, well,I'm also the "WORTHLESS",I guess I'm not alone now :) but I think mine is worse, coz I don't even have the right to cry, if my father see me cry, he will lose control, and abuse me even a lot more, I'm a girl, and now my face is permanently injured & slightly asymetrical... and nowadays I still get bullied quite often by the their precious motherfckr "prince boy brother", he even choked me several times. I saved some money (around $2000) that I got from online job (I'm still a student),but guess what.. I lost every single penny I achieved from my own effort,that's only a little part of my story.

Hey, I'm 16 too! I can completely relate to your experience (I posted my experience in the comment above). I also have a job online, I make youtube videos and over the past 2 years I've collected over 4000$ (I never told my parents though)...
I have been hit and told that I was worthless so many times that now, I don't even cry anymore. The pain barely affects me!
Just stay strong, and work hard! If you work hard, you'll end up in a better place than anyone who has ever abused you, and you can laugh at their dirty *****!

I feel your pain and more but by my stepfather and eventually my mother knew and she overlooked things myself as a Mother would kill if it happened to my children. ..I have my days when a thought pops in my head and I cringe but I've always just tried to rise above and know that obviously they have or had mental issues. .I to may have some myself but I take the positive approach and try to be as open as possible about and try to make people understand it's not ok to abuse. .As a matter of fact I'm struggling with just the other day my cousin attacking his 16 yr old who already has a lot of emotional and learning issues and a slight physical disability and I don't think he had any right hitting him and especially the way he did but of course I speak my mind and say it's not right n next time I will have him arrested and I become the bad guy. .Do I walk away or do I keep trying to break a bad cycle within a family. ..Sometimes I feel more normal then them and they didn't incurr half the abuse I did. ..I feel I have to walk away from my entire family because they cannot come to terms with how they live and what they get away with! !! I figure I only need a few good friends to call my family then have an entire family living in denial. .

I'm 13 my older brother is an 18 year old body builder and I hate him, he makes me bleed and get new injuries every day, my mom hardly gives a **** about me and she beats me and abuses me and makes fun of me whenever she is angry my older brother makes fun of me and hits me for no reason at all and my younger sister is a ***** who thinks she can ******* slap me whenever she wants too and she does and if I even say stupid to her then my mom and dad come and beat the loving **** out of me with heels and then my older brother comes and says, " pick on someone your own size ******."
I have a pretty good social life but my brother makes fun of me and my mom makes me feel under confident my discouraging me and my dad thinks he is some king he just abuses me with " F words and so on ever since I have been 8 and he hits me and makes fun of me whenever he feels like and I want to kill myself today, I want anew better family please help me. I hate my family I would do anything to get rid of them.


I'VE BEEN THREW WHT YOU ARE GOING THREW I MADE A PROMISE TO MY SELF THAT I WOULD NEVER TREAT ANYONE LIKE THAT AND I LEFT AND MADE SOMETHING OF MY SELF AND KNOW WHAT? THEY lived to see it but just because i dont want anything to do with them any more dosen't mean i cant for give them i do but i stay away .i'm living my life and forgetting the pass and making beutiful memories that i always dreamed my life to be .my friends that know my story keeps saying karma will get them .all i say it dosent matter * sole* tc

I think you are absolutely right. I do wish I had done it many yrs earlier. .It's the mental and emotional abuse. ..I was abused as a child I've lived and obviously still live with people in my family that either abuse or they are getting abused. I can't take it anymore. .I'm called the drama person when I speak my opinion saying it's not right or try to give advice to get them to a better place and I'm trash. .But I'm finally realizing that they are in denial and they need help. .I exhausted from trying it's taken a toll on me emotionally and financially sometimes and I'm just done. .

I'm moving on and like you said I can forgive them but from a distance. .
I'm going to start my life Now a little late But I've got some catching up to do! !

Please tell your teachers and headmaster. When you next have bruises as evidence, go yourself straight to the police station. They won't be able to send you back again then. Insist that you don't go back.

I'm a 56 year old lady and I suffered 18 years of abuse from both parents. Some people, unfortunately are sadistic abusers and they enjoy it! You are not like them, walk your own path. Once you've got away, never have anymore to do with them, ever. They can only enter your life if you allow them. Don't hope for love or anything, you won't get it. There are so many incredibly kind people out there, strangers will always be there for you.

Through all of this, put your school work first, it will never let you down and it will give you choices and your own freedom when you are 18.

Be kind to your future foster parents and don't be any trouble.

Always contact me if you need help.

Very highest regards


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I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by my mom and mentally abused by my dad. My dad knew about it and did nothing. I can remember him coming home from work (he was in the Army) one day and asking her to talk to me more instead of hitting me. I am an only child with a daughter of my own. One day I came home from school and my mom had used a dish cloth to redden her eye, only to tell me that my dad beat her. There was a suitcase by the door in which she told me that she and I were leaving. I began crying and then she began laughing! She told me that she was only joking and told me that if I told my dad she would kill me. I was in the 3rd or 4th grade at the time. I would be in the upstairs bathtub and all of a sudden the lights would go out in the hallway. I was terrified and crying for them to help me. My dad would get the snow chains out of the closet and rattle them on the stairs. He and my mom would tell me that there was a man coming up the stairs and he was going to take me away. They would ask me if I saw him yet and just repeat the same rant, "There he is, coming around the corner!" Again, I was in the 3rd or 4th grade. For years I had nightmares that I was asleep on the couch and a man would come running down the stairs and grab me, which would leave me breathless and terrified. I later found out that my mom was abused by her dad and had witnessed her mom's murder. My grandfather shot and killed my grandmother in front of my mom and her sister. So, now my mom beat me just like her father beat her. My father knew all about her upbringing and still married her. My mom tried multiple times to have other children but they ended in miscarriages. I finally told my mom that God is not going to give her any more kids because of what she did to me. The last time my mom hit me was on Mother's Day, she punched me in the face in front of my daughter, my husband, my dad and my in-laws...all because I told her that we might move to New York. I did find out that my mom beat me because of her relationship with my father (she said that he cheated on her). For years she told me this. I finally asked him about it and he admitted to it. Naturally I told him that I was a pawn in their marriage and he did nothing about it. They have both told me that they are sorry and to forgive them. However, there is no sincerity between the tow of them. They are madly in love with one another (I am using the word "madly", loosely). My mom has always made me dependent on her. My father, not so much. Now, my relationship with my daughter is the complete opposite. I would hurt someone if they touched her. I am the crazy-protective mother to her (always have been). I have and will not let any harm come to her. I am too scared to discipline her. She is everything I wish I was. I am now divorced and happy. However, I living next door to my parents. I cannot shake them. I see a therapist and she finds it interesting that I still have them in my life. I do not love them, however I do care about them. I am a shell of a person who trusts no one! My ex-husband was actually just like my mom. The majority of my relationships have been abusive. My daughter's father was abusive and I left that relationship. My husband only pushed me a couple of times (never touched my daughter!). I just thought it was normal to be in relationships like these. I felt like it meant that I was really loved. I have shielded my daughter from violence, with the exception of my anger when someone messes with her (I know that my anger is not healthy). I literally am the crazy-protective mom. My parents are now upstanding members of the community. They attend and teach classes in a community church. I am just now able to say little "digs" regarding my childhood. Of course, my mom and dad just look down when I say things. Me and my mom had went to the grocery store with my dad (all of us). I was helping them bring their grocery bags in and we were on the subject of my jaw clicking. My mother reminded me that hers does the same thing because of her father smacking/beating her in the head. I then remind her that mine is because she hit me in my head all the time. She apologized, again. I yelled out to my dad, "Hey, dad! You hear that? Mom used to hit me in my head daily and now my jaw clicks just like hers." He put his head down. I am 40 years old and I still have issues. I have yet to find a therapist to help me. I have so much anger and resentment toward my parents. Of course, when I tried to tell my dad when I was young that mom beat me, his response was, "That is a lie! I know how you are!" But all along he knew. When I said I confronted him earlier in the story, I asked him about the statement, "...I know how you are!" He just told me that he was sorry and wishes that the could have went back and changed it. There was no sincerity in his eyes. He came from a loving family. I have anger toward his and my mom's family. They have told me that they thought something was wrong and that I was abused. Wow! And amazing enough, no one did anything about it. I am tired. Just sick and tired!

Please move away for the sake of your child.

My mother died oct 2012 and im finding that I get "flash" memories every now and then about abuse I suffered as a child/teen. I even feel rite at this moment that im over stating when using the word abuse....but isn't being pounded about the head and back...breaking broom over my back and beating me with a belt....abuse? I miss and cry for her often but when the memories hit me...I dont know what to think. I find myself blaming me because I ran away...drank a little beer and rum and tried weed once. I hung out with my bully from school after I stood up to her. My mom hated her which of course, made me love her. One time the police broght me home in our small town and Sister Cotilda (nun) was in my kitchen when we got there. The Sister was a family support worker. My mom walked over to me after me being gone God knows where for few days and didnt hug me, no, she punched me in the face! And tried keep punching me but the cops and nuns held her back. So I thought, my fault. I got bad marks in grade 7 cause I ran away so much. I came home grading day and told her I failed and had write a sub exam in history that summer to pass. She broke broom over my back. Naturally I thought, my fault. I shouldnt have failed or used better tone of voice. The latest memory came from watching an old episode of the "Roseanne" show where her and her sister visited their old house and started to remember where the belt hung on a wall. That did it for me and the belt came back into my head again. The welts it left and the sting. Mom was go good at making me feel at fault that I still dont feel rite complaining. Was it just disapline? I did not beat my children and now with grandchildren I did loose it once but did not hit her. I had show her she cant push grandma, that I had a point where I would draw the line. Its only time I got mad at my grandchildren and I still feel bad about it. I find that im wondering why she could love and supoort me one min and punch me in the face the next. We became very close as adults with me not remembering. A couple time I did remember few things and asked her. I recall I asked her about the time child welfare took us from the home because she was on pills and drinking and so was dad. She gave me some glib answer and it was dads fault mostly. She would also remind me of good things she did for me and make me feel bad for bringing it up. Mom also took most of what I said to her as an adult, totally the wrong way. Like if I expressed a feeling about her lack of excersise. ..she would say things like " you wore me out as teenager and I want to lay around now then I will" she would say if I didnt bug her so much that she wouldnt be so sick now. I blame the fact that I didnt take her serious when she was really sick and she died, on myself. She always over exaggerated her aches and pains and I had to stay with her til she said I could go. After while I just blew her off because I couldnt listen to the complaining all the time. She wouldnt allow me to try and get her to talk about something else. She said I didnt care about her because I would always change the subject. Thats wasnt true at all. I was tring to get her to use mind over matter to feel better. I love my mom and miss her. But at same time, God forgive me, im glad I dont have that in my life anymore. And that makes me feel like terrible daughter. My dad is such a drunk I cant have him in my life. I have not told my father she is gone nor have I seen him. He is no help...she beat on him too but he beat her worst. At 9 my brother was coming...9 mons pregnant my dad was on top of her punching her stomach. I hit him with cast iron fry pan. So mom cud get a chance to run, which she did. My brother was born with a bump on his head. He is fine. Neither of us drink or do drugs and my brother is a correction officer. I am on pension due to my back. How do I forgive my mom and really let it go?

Add a response...My dad would put methalated spirits on a tissue to drug me, then he would put his **** in my mouth and *** into it...I would wake up in the morning with *** all in my mouth and dripping out my mouth. oh not to mension pubic hairs stuck in my mouth. and grey pubic hairs from him in my bed.
that's not even the worst part... all the poisoning from the metho after 18 years caused me to get a mental illness. then one day when I came home from school and said I wanted to become a police woman.
He then poisioned me with soooo much methalated spirits and petrol that I felt like I was dying so I told them and they took me to the doctor. they left me in the doctors room, and my dad went to talk with the doctor. and in 5 minuites an ambulance came and strapped me down to the ambulance bed and took me to a mental hospital and I was there for 4 months and feed pills that I didn't need.
came back home and gained 60 kgs and lost all my friends and my entire family think im crazy.
All because my dad had to rape me and poison me...and to make things worse he goes to church and is so fake. thinking nothing bad will happen to him. My God he even thinks he will go to heaven, what a ******* joke.
I still live at home and I am 38. But now I have 2 bolts in the back of my door so he can rape me and poison me now. and he would even rape my brother he would wake up in the morning with his bum up in the air and his pants down. Now he has also got a bolt in the back of his door too.
I know God loves me and will send David William Kimpton to HELL forever.

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Hi, i have lived a similer life (im 27 now) do you have good friends? Like really good friends with understanding and loving parents? If so go and talk to them,you need to get out of that situation. Its not good for you mentaly,this kind of daily abuse takes a toll on a person.i wish i could give u a hug and reasure you that life can be so much mother had some kind of personality disorder,would lie about everything including what she was putting us through.we had to run away,i was 13 at the time.when to childs hearing and went to stay with my dad,the abuse was so bad,she was not aloud to contact or be on same street as me.please know im not saying do what i did.but living in this kind of life can make you feel detached and the feeling of looking for love,just to be loved,though this feeling of love you look for is the love of your mum,this is hard feeling to if the mother cant relise the error of her ways,then the relationship is forever you have other family members you are close to,that you can talk to,possibly stay with to try and give you both space to give her the chance of relising what she is doing to you. You say you have a bro,are you close and dose he experince the same issues with your mother?Have job?

I know what you mean. A mere 2 hours ago my mom came screaming into my room, and started beating me from head to toe. she scratched my hands and beat my right eye. i fell down because of the force of the attacks.she didn't stop. she kept just beating me harder and harder.i was crying so hard and i didn't understand why she was doing this.She's been beating me ever since i was born as she believes 'physical pain only can raise a good child' but I'm 17 now and the abuse had lessened. it was because i had coaching class that morning and i had overslept . she kept hitting me and saying she hates me and wishes i die.then she dragged me while i was still in my bed clothes and put me in the car. My brothers friends were at my house and they saw everything. i was sobbing my heart out and said i wanted to die. she's been abusing me for so long. she has hit me with her hands, chairs,sticks and even tried to strange me some times. she said 'if u die, not a single body will shed a tear for you! you're worthless!you deprived our lives of everything!GO DIE! I'LL BE HAPPY! worthless creature! yu only know how to eat and sleep and destroy our lives!' and then she started calling me all the bad words she could think of. she pushed me into the car and locked the doors and left. I'm writing this from thinking of running away. she threw my landline phone down and broke it and tore my bed sheet. i hope god saves me from this torture.

Other post iv posted was for you.keep your chin up! Life gets better. Dose ur bro have same issuse with your mum?is he older or younger?if he relises what is happening is wrong talk to ur dad around?do u have family members u can trust?if not do you have frinds parents u r close to?due to ur age u still need alot of surport of good people who care and lovr in uk and am unsure of how child protection works wer u are,if all else fails contact them,explane ur situation ask for help.if i could id give u a hug and tel u its going to be ok.keep positive keep ur chin up,none of this is ur can be hard but in all honesty it gets better,you need love and surport and someone who cares to hear what has happened to you.i guse im wrighting this because in some form iv been through similer things in my childhood and wished someone would have cared enough just to listen and tell me it would be sounds silly but love and care helps to recover.i wish you all the best if you need someone who is a stranger just reply

Hi, I feel terrible about what you have experienced, especially at the hands of your mother. However, as a Victorious Leader in the area of abuse and a Forgiveness Master, I would encourage you to read Perfectly Planned, (Overcoming ******, rape & sexual abuse) Amazon--Many of your answers are within my books. Feel free to stop by my website I hope you doing better today. Forgiveness is the key to emotional freedom.


I was an abused child and as a 35 years old mother, I also abused and still abuse my child. Not by calling her names or beating her up, also I did get physically violent a couple of times :(, but by neglecting her and being emotionally disconnected from her. I have been walking a long path of depression, before and after her birth, and I'm starting therapy - again - this week, with little hope, but with determination. I'm so sorry for all of you. I feel my mother killed all the goodness in me with her repeated neglect and abuse, my father was always away and also emotionally disconnected, and now I'm also a handicapped mother who isn't able to love her child, as much as I want to. And you know what's the most horrible thing? I don't even think I'm a *bad* person. It's just that, when I'm with my child, I feel a distress so deep, coming from my own childhood, that I just can't give her the love she needs, and I beat myself up with guilt and feelings of worthlessness, to the point that I get suicidal. This cycle of violence has got to stop and I only wish my daughter will have a better outcome than mine, she has a loving although imperfect father and I thank the universe every day for that, because I believe it will make a difference in her life. I can't erase what I did - I so wish I could -, the only thing I can do is devote all my strength to try getting to terms with my sad childhood and try to forgive myself, for her but also for me.
Keep in mind IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. We're carrying a burden that doesn't belong to us, and unfortunately, we often give pass it to our children as well. To those of you who are thinking about becoming parents, be VERY careful. Try to heal before you do that. We must do everything we can to prevent this abuse perpetuation, and the only way is to get better ourselves.
I wish you all, and myself, much strength.

I was in the same boat. My father was not around due to divorce. I told him he didn't do a thing. Now I hate myself and want to die..but i am good a good dad. If I do finish myself off I am sending. Mom a live internet feed of my moms email or cell phone. She was right I am worthless despite of my career and credentials.

Oh my, I can relate to this. I am 38 years old now and I can - just now - say I am getting over it. During my teenage years and 20's I was different. Destructive. Cynical. Suicidal. I believes that was just life. Now I know different.
Don't ever blame yourself or think you will inherently act the same: you see that it is wrong.
I don't like saying 'wrong' - because I am not my mother or father, they were, themselves, children when they had me.
However, knowing that it is terrible, as a child, to experience what they did, has lifted me above that.
The purpose of life is to be better than what came before...your post certainly shows you are strong, logical, and very smart.
Keep going! It's your life! You sound fine: give it time, and thought. You are not your parents and are not fated to do as they did.
PS: your post was really good, it helped me deal with my sister just ringing me then and saying I don't have a life...sigh...I am sad for her

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This was me growing and continues to happen i cant trust anyone i always keep to myself i feel like a worthless pile cuz of them they call me a parasite worthless im only 17 they never went to any of my swimming championships and when i tried talking them about it they said well we would of gone if you actually got us birthday presents i was crushed i feel like i cant love or fully trust anyone cuz i don't know how and how to receive it they also don't support my martial arts or parkour or my dreams to be a stuntman they said to wake up and get real

Reading all of this I honestly understand and actually wound write the exact same story word for word . I too feel a lot of the problems I have functioning are to do with my childhood . I cried in bed almost every night I will never forget the hurt and pain . I too feel sorry for my mother as maybe that's all she knew . I'm pregnant now for the first time & like you worried I will turn out like my mother . I hope since your message you have healed a little . Your story is very honest and real xxx

This is/was 100percent my life. Every detail you just typed! EVERY SINGLE DETAIL! I hate it and don't know what to do.

Reading these posts fills me with such rage at what was done to you all! Such horror...I feel a horrible sense of helplessness at your are not alone, you are not do not have to take it....TELL! I will never stop telling, I will not stop telling what happened to me, to my family for generations...I will embarrass the abusers publicly knowing there is nothing they can do if its the truth. There is no law that says I cannot speak it...I will give anyone he** who DARES try and shut me up. I will not allow it! Ever! I have stopped speaking to my mother and have told the whole family the truth, all her friends, posted publicly on facebook until she unfriended me. I deny her the satisfaction of getting away with her abuse. She will take back the burden of the abuse I lived with with her, she will swallow the pain and guilt or I reject her. I reject her dysfunction, I reject all the names that she called me. I reject the weakness in her that allowed her to place blame upon my shoulders. I will shove the responsibility for the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father back in her face! I will not live with the burden and crippling silence. She will earn the right to have me in her life or she will pay and pay and pay again! I will not eat the lie of shame that comes with events I had no more control overt than being hit by a drunk driver.SHE WILL!

AyselMoonbaby, I understand what you've gone through and what you're still going through.
I'm only 14 years old and my entire childhood, even now.. As it continues I'm suffering neglect and abuse from my mother and dad.
Not too long ago, we fought because I have a problem with studies.. I can't really tell the months. And it isn't surprising as it may sound.. I wasn't really well educated in my studies and I've given up after my mom repeatedly called me useless and a stupid child.
I had to sign myself up for a school by myself.. She didn't want to do it for me.. And.. Well, it said to type my date of birth in numbers and I started crying. She then asked me '' What's your problem now? '' And I told her I didn't know how to type my birth in numbers. She then proceeded to call me all the names in the book and how come I didn't know how to. I started yelling at her.. She started threatening me she would hit me if I continued. I continued yelling and she started beating the Hell out of me. Trying to rip out my hair and hitting me on the head. She threw a glass at my face that didn't break.
I ran away and went to my neighbours home where I stayed for 2 weeks.
And even yesterday.. I hadn't gone to bed, it was 1:25AM in the morning and she started screaming at me to go to bed. I told her 2 minutes and she continued and continued. After about 3 minutes of insisting she grabbed the remote and raised her hand up. She was about to strike and abuse me once again. She grabbed the power to my computer to shut it down.
She started calling me names.. She told me I wasn't her kid anymore and she wanted me out of the place and never wanted to see me again.. She didn't care where I went. She wanted me out of her sight..
My dad.. He's been there all this time and as a kid I was severly abused by both of them, he didn't say anything even when my mom would abuse me back then too.
I hadn't had a normal childhood.. And I won't have a normal teenager one either.
I'm afraid of having a child someday and treating her as bad as both of my parents treated me.
I have no one to talk to.
And I'm all alone.
The internet is where I can relate my problems somehow and find people who will listen but it's not always that easy.
And I almost forgot to mention.. My dad is sick now, I know his illness in French but not the word in english and.. He can't take care of himself at all. My.. '' mother '' is having a really hard time which means my chances of getting beat up again are high.
I'm scared of her.. I really am. She doesn't love me at all and.. Even with the abuse of my dad before he got sick, he would treat me as his daughter and still give me affection.
It's been a year that he's been sick.
And I'm still getting beaten up by my mom even after I thought it ended as a little girl.

If I could go back to your age I would find help. There are organizations out there I'm sure. Call them! Your mom doesn't have to know. Don't just wait until you can move out. My suggestion is to tell EVERYONE until someone listens. If she hits you to a point you have marks, that will unfornately help your case if you call child services (secretly) and report the abuse. Take pictures, videos...fight. Don't put up with it. I know you are young and not as strong as they are but you have the ability to tell people until someone does something about it. Tell your teachers, counselor, a trusted adult that you know would fight for you. Just because you're young, you are allowed to protect yourself.

My heart goes out to you, in tears, with a broken heart. I was "extremely" abused as a child, my first marriage, he was verbally abusive...I never knew love or acceptance; I was always rejected. When I had my first son, I abused him. He is now a man and totally miserable and has ruined his life. I blame myself. I had literally bawled and bawled over this. My guilt is at a height where I needed mental help. His father didn't help matters any by running around on me and leaving me alone with the kids all the time. He also was into *********** which I would not allow in the house. After our divorce, my oldest son, who has terrible mental problems had access to the ***********.....I feel horrible for him. He is so lost, no foundation, not grounded. He doesn't know what to do or where to go. He hates me and will have nothing to do with me. I understand that.
I went through a forgiveness process for all those who abused me in my life, it helped me a lot. I also became a Christian of which my son and my ex-husband laugh at. Well, that has helped me so much to heal. I wish now I could help my son but he tells people I am dead, so, there is nothing I can do for him but pray, and pray I do, very hard. I do love him. It took me a long time, but I do love him. I did not know what love was but I learned from church, praying, the Bible and trying so desperately to change my life and hoping it would help him but it hasn't and he hates me and rejects me. I have not spoken with him for about five years now. That is his choice, not mine. I pray he will not take his life. I will be totally devastated.
My heart hurts and breaks over his heart that is becoming so hard. He divorced his most beautiful, sweet, Christian wife. They had three children together who are awesome, beautiful and smart. They hardly want to be around him any more. He has changed so much. His heart is becoming hardened. I pray and pray that he will not kill himself. I am so frightened. That is sin you cannot come back and ask God to forgive. I just have to hope and pray God understands (which I know He does) that this child was abused and just can't help himself. Although, I did. I was extremely abused up until I was about 40......I chose God. I have been helped so much and he could too if he would just open up his hard heart. I am here for him and always will be. If any of you out there believe in God and prayer, please pray for my son.

you should watch the movie "fireproof", its really inspirational. its about loving someone who regrets to love them back because of an abusive relationship, but now the person is changing and its just so wonderful! its a christian movie and it suit your situation some what, i think you should give it a go.

I hate to say this but im in the exact situation you are...I am 13 years old and its 1:30 am right now where I am, and I am crying myself to sleep. I have insomnia from my social anxiety disorder and therefore can't sleep. Tommorow is the first day of school and I am absolutely horrified. When my mom caught me awake in my room on the laptop, she started screaming at me. She slammed the screen down shut, and I went over the my bed and layed down. My mom pulled me off my bed and yelled at me. She punched me and hit me with a water bottle. This all happened a mere hour ago.

My dad doesnt do anything about it. He doesnt hit me or anything, he just yells at me. He usually stays out of it. My sister is ignorant too.

The thing is, its harder for me to "tell" like people replied to you. Im afraid ill go to a foster home, and leave my school. Not only that but my mom and dad are having financial issues and they just bought me a new pair of sneakers. They only spoil me a little, but I dont yell back at them or anything. I dont whine for items, I usually try to get them to save as much as they can. The sad thing is they spent their whole lives trying to provide me with a good life and I love them for that. But im being abused now.

My mom has forced me to excersize until I want to throw up because im too short. My friends actually like me for that trait because they say im cute like that. My mom on the other hand, hits me. A lot. Im torn apart and am suffering a lot as well. She specifically said "I hate myself for giving birth to you!!" Just because I was up at night. And I have insomnia but she doesnt believe in it. I have suffered from it for half of my life now.
Wierd thing is I have been beat so much it feels not as painful to get hit then it used to.

I also cant tell on my mom because I dont know who to tell. I cant trust my friends for some reasons, and I dont want to rip everything away from my parents. I still love then strangely. I have never yelled back at them unless they are all the way in a another room. I am completely torn.

This is not only my reply to you to let you know you arent alone. We arent so different. But also I am seeking help from other people who may read this. It means a lot to me.

Find the related authorities or child well fair go there talk to then see where you stand the final choice is in your hands ... If you don't want to take action you can say so but if you tell them all your detail then they will take action regardless of your opinion choose your option carefully your arnt a victim. You are a warrior thats what makes them scared of you and that's why they hurt you . You have all the power you just have to open your eyes. At this age what they are doing is criminal . And arrests can be made... find a relative who you trust to live with till you become an adult in the eyes of the law. Or they will put you into child care ... which I am sure is going to have its own issues .

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i suffered abuse from my mother ever since i was a child she hits me calls me names till this very day she makes me the most unhappy perspn ever..i have freinds and when i see their relationships with their moms i get sad i never had anyone to talk too when i was a teen no one to share my thoughts or joys or sadness i was beaten somdays till i bleed now i have zero confidence in my self i beleive that im a complet looser and everything i do is wrong and my life is just worthless she destroyed me as a human being i beleive that i dont deserve to be loved now my boyfreind is trying to save what left of me he give me too much love and care sometimes i think its too much for me cuz no body actually cared that much why would he care..... i really want to forgive her but i can't i have nightmares all the time i suffer from depression now almost all my life i can't be happy and till today she still callin me names " fat looser b**** ugly "

I don't know if you still live with her but if you don't, cut the relationship off. I know it's harder to say than do but there is no other option. I had the same problem. Even as an adult I was afraid to say no to her and I let her rule me. Finally, the straw broke the camels back and I started standing up for myself and making boundries. If she starts calling you names you say, "if you call me one more name I'm hanging up on you" or "I'm walking out of here....". I swear, once I started setting boundaries, it was amazing how much control I started having over her. I felt like I won. I was not the powerhouse. Once you set boundries and stand up for yourself she'll have NOTHING! Because is she doesn't accept your rules then she can't have a relationship with you. You're better than that. No matter how hard it seems, just let the words come out and go through the motions. DO NOT feel guilty!

Just wish my mother would except boundaries my mother as always been very abusive things doesnt go her way she kicks off am 49 when i was a child my parents used to come in after a night on the beer smash the house mum beat my dad up with anything she could get hold off one morning she stuck a broken class in his back and as kids we were all screaming thinking he was about to die , when i was 13 we had a fire my dad and sister died in it i felt so sorry for my mother but my mum had different fellas after my dad died none of them stayed i never hater her for this but she was very strict when i started to work if i earn 70.00 i would give her 50.00 aweek when i met up with my wife all hell broke loses my sisters got married she was ok a bit i got married she hated my wife shes hit my wife we forgave her for that she calls my wife every name under the sun shes accuse us of robbing from her shes attack me more time i can remember my sister owns her loads of money but she takes it out on me my wife cooks her sunday dinner she gives my wife dirty looks my mum is 71 but young looking for her age my kids will not go and see her every time they did she would f down the phone saying they robbed from her then a hour later she phone back and say sorry i found the money i take her shopping take her to the grave which is 200 miles away and still i get abuse so does my wife my mother can be a good but she can turn very quickly she gave us a tuble dryer i ask her i give you 100 pound for it she said no you can have it she swap her big tell for my sons small one we gave her 100.pound as well but deep down i knew shes going to kick off and she did demanded everything back i gave them back to her and now all hells broke lose she punch my son in the face today because he went to give her some money we own her she screamed calling my wife a ***** am not a granny to kids from a ***** and attack my son who is 23 years old my son did alot for her stay with her when her second husband died but she hated him all we got this week was screaming down the phone dont know what started it all off all i did was clean her kitchen left her that day in good spirits that night she wanted every thing back so i gave it all back now shes making out its our fault i dont talk to my sisters they treaty my kids like crap but i never did this to theirs they were always welcome to my door, my mother as always been a abusive woman if shes see you in the street she wouldnt thick twice of punching you shes starts the arguments thats says its out fault
everytime i forgive her because i think back to the fire we had and seeing her in the hospital bed crying dont know what to do now and so fed up with her behavior i feel guilty for feeling annoyed with her but today she punched my son call us all the names under the sun hated us all you cant reason with my mum shes right we are wrong. if i set boundaries she only make a laugh of me.

Wow, the way you articulated your story.... It could've been written by me, verbatim. Thank you for providing a sounding board, because I feel so defeated right now.
Like I just want to get a new identity and go far far away from the pain. But, in truth, I lead a quite fulfilling life when it doesn't involve my mother. She has the ability to suck the happiness out of Mickey Mouse.

Just today, 6/26/14, in a Walmart parking lot, my mother called me f-ing bi+ch. Why? I was due to meet up w/her outside in the parking lot to pick up some stuff from her and I parked and waited for her to show up. And waited and waited. Finally, 25 minutes later she comes out with a shopping cart and I smiled and waved her over. I simply said, "hi mom, I've been out here waiting, I thought we said to meet outside". She EXPLODED, "What are you, stupid? I'm not gonna wait outside for you in the heat, like some kind of idiot, you f-ing bi+ch. I decided to shop and let you come inside to find me. Idiot." I could tell she was dying to slap my face. She always has a hand up, ready to strike me when she gets irate. But there were witnesses, and security cameras. God forbid the outside world sees her true violent nature.
So I got "stupid", "f-ing bi+ch" and "idiot" within a period of less than 30 seconds. In public. Oh I forgot to mention, I'd brought her a dunkin Donuts coffee and muffin and she finished with "I don't want your f-ing goddam gifts. I walked away, got in my car and my stinging hot tears spilled forth as I drove to work.
I'm 41, and she still has the precise ability to reduce me to a trembling, fragile little scared girl.
Also, I have MS, and she uses it against me, says that my illness made me evil and hateful. I was diagnosed when I was 17. I remember being in a wheelchair after my whole left side went numb, and she had gotten frustrated with my disability that I got smacked upside the head one time, that she denies doing to this day.
Mind you, I have a healthy and loving relationship with my man and not to toot my horn, but I get along wonderfully with everyone, friends and coworkers alike.
I'm an only child. My dad is just the sweetest, gentlest man. He's her victim too, she has worn him down to a nub over the past 40 years of marriage.

Thank you for letting me vent. It's comforting to know there are others like me, and this is not just in my imagination. I swear I could sob uncontrollably right now, but I'm working and have to put on a brave face

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Dear AyselMoonbaby
You are not alone. I am 33 and have suffered a similar experience with my mother. Recently I read many articles on the internet about her symptoms (because I always thought there is something wrong with her) and I found information about a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). You may want to research a bit and see if your mother fits the description (mine does 99%). It will not help much but at least you will understand WHY. There is nothing wrong with you, there never was and at any rate NOTHING about any child out there could ever justify this kind of behavior. As counter-intuitive as this may sound, I don't think you should blame your father too much. It wasn't that he wasn't home when those things happened, people with NPD PURPOSEFULLY conceal their abuse so that the child will never be believed by others, so she was probably careful to abuse you especially when he wasn't around. My mother did that - always when we were alone, never when others were around. Furthermore, its very likely that she terrorized your father as well and subdued him with careful manipulation - these people don't give up until they make the lives of ALL their close ones a living hell. But please, I beg you, don't EVER, EVER think you are worthless! If you'd like to talk about it, feel welcome to write to me.