My Child Abuse Story As A Young Gay AdultHi everyone. My name is John and I am new to the site and thought I should just share my story and seek advice from people. I am currently 22 years old and in college.
It all goes back to when I was a kid. I was sexually and physically abused by a family member. I remember being 7-8 years old and mom and dad had not had any talk with me regarding sex or anything like that. Most of my life I have struggled with being gay. When I was about 8 years old I struggled with being gay but had no idea what gay was. I found myself attracted to boys my age and had no idea why I had these feelings. For years I went on questioning why I had these feelings. Mom and dad were not really there to talk to me about any of this stuff so I had no idea. When I was in middle school I finally accepted that I was gay and by then of course I knew what gay was. I remember times when mom and dad would go out and would leave me at the house alone and I would go on the computer and look up gay sex because I had no idea what it was like or why I was feeling this way. I know it felt ok with me. I guess with my parents not talking to me about this kind of stuff at all I was left finding out on my own what this was. Through my online searching I was able to find out what sex was and I even saw sex videos. My story goes on to say that my parents never did talk to me about this kind of stuff.
When I was a kid I went through so much hell. My uncle sexually abused me and I did nothing wrong to deserve this. For years it was denied that he did anything wrong to me and I was so mentally depressed I had to see a psychiatrist most of my years as a kid and teenager. Like I said for years I struggled with being gay since the age of 8. I was really bad in school and used to get suspended all the time when I was in elementary school. I used to fight with my teachers and fight with kids in my class. I remember that I got into so much trouble that when I would get home there was dad with the belt in his hand. He would make me take off all my clothes and he would whip me until my body was red all over. He made extra holes in the belt and soaked it in water becuse he said that made it hurt so much more and plus it made my body marks more red and noticable. I remember times when he used to beat me telling me if I did not do good in school he would beat me more. I was so bad that the school kicked me out and said I was not allowed to come back. We moved away to another town in hopes to start a new life. I still got beatings from my dad although I did not have to see my uncle. When I was in middle school I accepted being gay. I was not happy with it and did consider suicide but thanks to God I am still alive today.
When I was in my 11th grade of high school I came out to everyone including my parents and told them I was gay. I lost all my friends. They all went to a different table at lunch and I found myself with no one to talk to. My parents did not accept me and said I had to stop this or find a different place to live. I was so scared of being homeless at the time so I promised them I would stop being gay although I did not mean it. I remember being bullied and made fun of all the time. I used to come home from school and would run from the bus stop to my house because bullies and kids would throw rocks at me so I would run home crying. My mom told the school principle but he did nothing about it. She went to the school board of education and they promised to take care of it but did nothing. I was constantly harassed and made fun of for being gay and fat. No one wanted to talk to me. I tried suicide about 3 times in my high school years but was not successful at the attempt. I ended up in in a rehab mental clinic at one point because of this.
I did graduate high school and to my surprise I graduated with my graduating class. To this day at the age of 22 I live by myself in my own apartment with not even one friend to hang out with or anything. My parents have no clue I am gay. My current boyfriend I have been dating for about 1 month now. He had a problem where he missed my dinner date a few weeks ago. We were supposed to have dinner and rent a movie at my place but he never showed up even though I cooked all this food for the both of us. His excuse was that he was moving to a new place with his mom and his brother. I said this was not a good excuse. He failed to call me for almost a week after that but since then has attempted to make things up with me. In fact next week on April 28th we will have been together for about 1 month exact. We have been dating for 1 month but have been friends for about 3 months before that. He said he wants to take me out during the weekend of next week to a nice dinner.
I should probably state that I used to go to church when I was still at home with mom and dad. They raised me as a Christian and taught me the ways of the bible. I did leave the church when I moved out of home because they never accepted me for being who I was as gay. I am sure my parents would be really happy if I started to go back to church again although I have made my choice to not go.
I am at a point in my life where I just do not know what else to do with myself. Sometimes I am sad and lonely. I am not suicidal at the moment and nor do I want to be as I have not been to a mental clinic since back in high school and I do see a therapist once a week and she helps me out with my problems but I feel this is not enough. I must add that now in turning 22 this month I am proud to be gay. I have learned to accept and that there is nothing wrong with it no matter what anyone says. I still love my boyfriend very much but I just have no idea how my family will react when they find out that I am gay and dating a guy.
I am sorry my story was so long but I had to share what I had been through in this horrible life. If you think you had it bad in your life then ask yourself this- Have you been through what I have been through or worse? I need an advice from people. I would like to make some new friends but have no idea what to do. I have gone out to events and social gatherings in my area but have found no new friends. When I am not in college I am at home by myself with no one to talk to or hang out with.
Well that's me, John from Connecticut in the US
Since I have written this story I should add that things are different today then when I was a kid. My parents are the 2 nicest people in the world whom I love dearly and my dad has been supportive of everything I do to suceed in my life as my mom has also been there for me. My mom supports me and said she is ok with me being gay. My dad is a nice guy and if you met him today you would not beleve that he would ever have hit anyone with a belt or anything because he is too nice. With that said he never was really there for me as a kid and he does not accept that I am gay. Instead all I get is a message from him telling me to keep my personal life off my facebook. As for my uncle- I have not talked to him in years and I hope I never have to speak with him anytime soon. I have learned to forgive him for what he did to me and just move on with my life although he never really admitted that he did anything wrong. Other than that I am still in college trying my best to finish my degree so I can transfer from a 2 year to a four year school. I still live by myself in an apartment. I have not changed my mind about going to church. My boyfriend just broke up with me because he said I did not answer one call of his. I told him my school does not get good service as they block all cell phone signals in the building but he did not care. Take it from me that anyone who breaks up with you over something this stupid is not worth your time.
I should probably state that even though my parents are the nicest people in the world you could ever meet today I still struggle with everything that has happened. I find it hard to sleep at night and find myself with bad childhood memories always in my thoughts and then it makes it hard for me to live my life. I recently found out that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD ) and sometimes I wish I was dead or something. With this PTSD there are a lot of nights when I am unable to sleep due to having nightmares of abuse from family members. I feel like all these events that happened to me as a kid have left me traumatized for life or something with no hope of moving past my childhood expieriences. The good news is I was talking to a high school friend of mine whom I have not spoken to in years. He is acceptant of me and even came out to me as bi. He can relate to the things that have happened to me in this story. I guess him relating to me and everything I have been through makes me somewhat happy to know I have a friend who cares and someone who can relate to me. He too was in ia recent break up like mine and since then we have both been there for support although I am depressed that my family just gave me the news that they are moving away. They are moving away to Florida. I live in Connecticut and have to stay here to finish school. Now would be a really good time to say I wish I was dead. I have no boyfriend and no friends to hang out with minus the one I mentioned from before. That being said thanks for taking the time to read my story as hard as it was to get through this. John