My Child Abuse Story As A Young Gay Adult

Hi everyone. My name is John and I am new to the site and thought I should just share my story and seek advice from people. I am currently 22 years old and in college.

It all goes back to when I was a kid. I was sexually and physically abused by a family member. I remember being 7-8 years old and mom and dad had not had any talk with me regarding sex or anything like that. Most of my life I have struggled with being gay. When I was about 8 years old I struggled with being gay but had no idea what gay was. I found myself attracted to boys my age and had no idea why I had these feelings. For years I went on questioning why I had these feelings. Mom and dad were not really there to talk to me about any of this stuff so I had no idea. When I was in middle school I finally accepted that I was gay and by then of course I knew what gay was. I remember times when mom and dad would go out and would leave me at the house alone and I would go on the computer and look up gay sex because I had no idea what it was like or why I was feeling this way. I know it felt ok with me. I guess with my parents not talking to me about this kind of stuff at all I was left finding out on my own what this was. Through my online searching I was able to find out what sex was and I even saw sex videos. My story goes on to say that my parents never did talk to me about this kind of stuff.

When I was a kid I went through so much hell. My uncle sexually abused me and I did nothing wrong to deserve this. For years it was denied that he did anything wrong to me and I was so mentally depressed I had to see a psychiatrist most of my years as a kid and teenager. Like I said for years I struggled with being gay since the age of 8. I was really bad in school and used to get suspended all the time when I was in elementary school. I used to fight with my teachers and fight with kids in my class. I remember that I got into so much trouble that when I would get home there was dad with the belt in his hand. He would make me take off all my clothes and he would whip me until my body was red all over. He made extra holes in the belt and soaked it in water becuse he said that made it hurt so much more and plus it made my body marks more red and noticable. I remember times when he used to beat me telling me if I did not do good in school he would beat me more. I was so bad that the school kicked me out and said I was not allowed to come back. We moved away to another town in hopes to start a new life. I still got beatings from my dad although I did not have to see my uncle. When I was in middle school I accepted being gay. I was not happy with it and did consider suicide but thanks to God I am still alive today.

When I was in my 11th grade of high school I came out to everyone including my parents and told them I was gay. I lost all my friends. They all went to a different table at lunch and I found myself with no one to talk to. My parents did not accept me and said I had to stop this or find a different place to live. I was so scared of being homeless at the time so I promised them I would stop being gay although I did not mean it. I remember being bullied and made fun of all the time. I used to come home from school and would run from the bus stop to my house because bullies and kids would throw rocks at me so I would run home crying. My mom told the school principle but he did nothing about it. She went to the school board of education and they promised to take care of it but did nothing. I was constantly harassed and made fun of for being gay and fat. No one wanted to talk to me. I tried suicide about 3 times in my high school years but was not successful at the attempt. I ended up in in a rehab mental clinic at one point because of this.

I did graduate high school and to my surprise I graduated with my graduating class. To this day at the age of 22 I live by myself in my own apartment with not even one friend to hang out with or anything. My parents have no clue I am gay. My current boyfriend I have been dating for about 1 month now. He had a problem where he missed my dinner date a few weeks ago. We were supposed to have dinner and rent a movie at my place but he never showed up even though I cooked all this food for the both of us. His excuse was that he was moving to a new place with his mom and his brother. I said this was not a good excuse. He failed to call me for almost a week after that but since then has attempted to make things up with me. In fact next week on April 28th we will have been together for about 1 month exact. We have been dating for 1 month but have been friends for about 3 months before that. He said he wants to take me out during the weekend of next week to a nice dinner.

I should probably state that I used to go to church when I was still at home with mom and dad. They raised me as a Christian and taught me the ways of the bible. I did leave the church when I moved out of home because they never accepted me for being who I was as gay. I am sure my parents would be really happy if I started to go back to church again although I have made my choice to not go.

I am at a point in my life where I just do not know what else to do with myself. Sometimes I am sad and lonely. I am not suicidal at the moment and nor do I want to be as I have not been to a mental clinic since back in high school and I do see a therapist once a week and she helps me out with my problems but I feel this is not enough. I must add that now in turning 22 this month I am proud to be gay. I have learned to accept and that there is nothing wrong with it no matter what anyone says. I still love my boyfriend very much but I just have no idea how my family will react when they find out that I am gay and dating a guy.

I am sorry my story was so long but I had to share what I had been through in this horrible life. If you think you had it bad in your life then ask yourself this- Have you been through what I have been through or worse? I need an advice from people. I would like to make some new friends but have no idea what to do. I have gone out to events and social gatherings in my area but have found no new friends. When I am not in college I am at home by myself with no one to talk to or hang out with.

Well that's me, John from Connecticut in the US


Since I have written this story I should add that things are different today then when I was a kid. My parents are the 2 nicest people in the world whom I love dearly and my dad has been supportive of everything I do to suceed in my life as my mom has also been there for me. My mom supports me and said she is ok with me being gay. My dad is a nice guy and if you met him today you would not beleve that he would ever have hit anyone with a belt or anything because he is too nice. With that said he never was really there for me as a kid and he does not accept that I am gay. Instead all I get is a message from him telling me to keep my personal life off my facebook. As for my uncle- I have not talked to him in years and I hope I never have to speak with him anytime soon. I have learned to forgive him for what he did to me and just move on with my life although he never really admitted that he did anything wrong. Other than that I am still in college trying my best to finish my degree so I can transfer from a 2 year to a four year school. I still live by myself in an apartment. I have not changed my mind about going to church. My boyfriend just broke up with me because he said I did not answer one call of his. I told him my school does not get good service as they block all cell phone signals in the building but he did not care. Take it from me that anyone who breaks up with you over something this stupid is not worth your time.

I should probably state that even though my parents are the nicest people in the world you could ever meet today I still struggle with everything that has happened. I find it hard to sleep at night and find myself with bad childhood memories always in my thoughts and then it makes it hard for me to live my life. I recently found out that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD ) and sometimes I wish I was dead or something. With this PTSD there are a lot of nights when I am unable to sleep due to having nightmares of abuse from family members. I feel like all these events that happened to me as a kid have left me traumatized for life or something with no hope of moving past my childhood expieriences. The good news is I was talking to a high school friend of mine whom I have not spoken to in years. He is acceptant of me and even came out to me as bi. He can relate to the things that have happened to me in this story. I guess him relating to me and everything I have been through makes me somewhat happy to know I have a friend who cares and someone who can relate to me. He too was in ia recent break up like mine and since then we have both been there for support although I am depressed that my family just gave me the news that they are moving away. They are moving away to Florida. I live in Connecticut and have to stay here to finish school. Now would be a really good time to say I wish I was dead. I have no boyfriend and no friends to hang out with minus the one I mentioned from before. That being said thanks for taking the time to read my story as hard as it was to get through this. John
johnnyr860 johnnyr860 22-25, M 20 Responses Apr 28, 2011

Your Response


honey just know that none of it was your fault. you were taken advantage of and that sucks. go out and have fun! find a *** hag who's so incredibly fabulous and loud and obnoxious! someone who will make you laugh and blush at the same time!

I thank you for the kind words and I know this is not my fault. I spent so many years blaming myself for things that were not my fault but I know none of it was. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and supports me in everything I do and he has helped me both heal and move past this and it feels great I am just happy to have him because without him coming into my life I don't know what would have happened with me. But times are much better for me now and this is what matters. I thank you for the kind response.

I was abused byy uncle too I'd like to
Share my expierience with u because I need advise ?!

Hello my name is Samuel and right now I am in high school ai aus and feel so sad for what has happen to you and also admire the fact you live your life and put it all behind you.

Thank you for the kind response here sweetie. It has been a long while since I wrote this story. Times have changed but yes I have been able to move on just fine. i have a boyfriend who loves and supports me and he helps me through it all so I feel better about myself. But I appreciate the nice words and hope your high school life is doing ok :)

I just wanna hug you! *hug*

you should go to a place called makkah. and you will find your new life there.

Dude I can relate , I have gone through prejudice my whole life. I'm not homosexual , I'm a KJV christian , but I'm not a juggmental *** . I delt with my grandfather pointing a shotgun in my face just because I had a friend who was african-american & my mothers boyfriend was african-american . I was raped & molested at the age of 6 by a teenager that I looked up to & because of that I was scared straight at a very young age . I did have a homosexual experimental phase with my best friend & the only reason I wasn't scared was because he was my closest friend , we did everything to gether & when me & my mom became homeless his family took us in, he was my age & I knew he wouldn't hurt me & I liked what we did , but then I hit puberty & then boobs became awesome , lol . I have gone through prejudice all my early life just because I'm ADHD , the other kids didn't like me very much because I was different. I'm still haunted every night by alot of things . I'd like to be your friend if you'd let me. I'm 17.

Thank you so much. I would love to be friends here. Wow sir your such a nice young man to respond to me here. I am so sorry for your terrible childhood experiences. I am sorry that you have to relate to me at all. I too was a victim of rape and I am not happy of that and to be honest no one should be.

Well as for my story I am 23 now. This story was posted last year and it has been a year since I posted it. But I am 23 still single and still gay non judgmental of course. I still find it hard to make friends even though I have made some I don't have many and even in then none of them have a clue I am gay and I worry if I come out they will not accept me for who I am so for now I stay in the closet.

I am sorry you have ADHD. I have PTSD which makes life almost impossible for me. A lot of times I cry myself to sleep. My depression has gone down greatly but I still get depressed from time to time and the loneliness is killing me little by little inside. I thank you for your response and would love getting to know you better and to be friends. Cheers and God bless you for now my good sir. John

@m0niiqu3<br />
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Thanks for replying on your story. I wanted to say that unlike your uncle my uncle does not claim to be gay. My parents both know I am gay and they have officially accepted me for who I am as have my friends. Been going through some rough patches in my life and been heartbroken by a lot of guys lately and am not finding a lot of gay singles in my area. Things have been hard enough. But thanks for responding. I am glad I could hear from someone who is like me in the fact that they love someone of the same sex. You are a great person and I tell people it is ok to love whomever you do. Well thanks for responding sweetie. This means a lot to me. I needed this pick me up for my hard times so thanks again. John :)

@m0niiqu3<br />
<br />
Thanks for replying on your story. I wanted to say that unlike your uncle my uncle does not claim to be gay. My parents both know I am gay and they have officially accepted me for who I am as have my friends. Been going through some rough patches in my life and been heartbroken by a lot of guys lately and am not finding a lot of gay singles in my area. Things have been hard enough. But thanks for responding. I am glad I could hear from someone who is like me in the fact that they love someone of the same sex. You are a great person and I tell people it is ok to love whomever you do. Well thanks for responding sweetie. This means a lot to me. I needed this pick me up for my hard times so thanks again. John :)

dats sad my tio is gay n we love him 4 him it should nt matter i lik guys n gurls n my grandparents r ok wit it idk if my dad know bt my grandparents adopted me ur storey almost made me cry ):

dharshanist<br />
<br />
Thanks for writing back to me on my story. This really means a lot to me. I appreciate your help and say this- yes I have accepted my dad. He may not accept me for who I am but I accept him deep in my heart because you know something- He is my dad and I am supposed to love him no matter what in my life. That being said I have not been to church in years but ok I still have hope and faith. I have never given up hope and I am still here believing that good things will come to my life through God who has helped me in all my struggles in this short life. Don't worry about being crazy because I am the same way ha ha. It's all good. Anyways I thank you for taking the time to reply back to me and for being a great supporter. I know that in this life it will get better no matter what anyone says :)<br />
<br />
With love, John

I am gay,i am younger than you are and also I have not had to experience the trauma that you have had to but all I want to say is have faith! I am not the religious types but what gets me through the sticky situations is my belief in the Holy Virgin,Mother Mary! You can believe in whatever you want to believe in but have faith,keep hope! I also believe you are by nature a very noble and good person who loved his parents because even with all the abuse of your father you seem not to have complained;you seem to have accepted it! Which brings me to my next point-love yourself above all! I know that sounds selfish but that is essentially what we all need to do! You must often tell yourself what a beautiful person you are and how you have grown each day! LOVE YOURSELF!!! You are in no way lesser than anyone! You can do anything you want to do! And also know you are the only person you can rely on at all times!<br />
p.s. sorry for coming off as preachy but what I have typed here basically was more for myself i guess! hahaha I am crazy and I love that! You should too!!!Hahahahhaaaha!

Thanks a lot for your kind words johnny , they ment a lot to me =)<br />
Im sure one day we will all feel free from our burdens , being at peace with yourself is the most beutifull fealing in life.<br />
Wish you the best ^ ^

ethaniel,<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing your side of the story with me. I know this can be hard and something that will take some time to come out with but I am sure if you just hang in there things will get better for you. I know how it can feel having someone abuse you and you wishing the worst on them because my uncle to this day will not admit that he did anything wrong to me and no matter how much you try talking to him on the issue he will never admit anything of it. I for years wished the worst things on him that no one should wish on anyone. But I have learned the good ways of forgiveness. I will forgive him but there is no way I can just forget what he has done to me as a person.<br />
<br />
Understanding my sexuality is hard sometimes but I am proud to be gay and can honestly say I was born this way and that there is nothing wrong with this. I am still working on telling my little sister but this will come with due time. I am glad you were able to come out to close people you know and hopefully one day you can find the strength inside of you to come out to more people and tell them. I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with being gay so please be proud of this and live your life with your head held high.<br />
<br />
I am sorry to hear you are living with this bi-polar disorder. It is just terrible. I know some people myself who have this. I do not have bi-polar but I do have a disorder called Post traumatic stress disorder where at times I can have thoughts of suicide and thoughts of abuse that come to my head. With this disorder there are a lot of times when I cannot sleep at night because of it. I have nightmares of my uncle abusing me or of physical abuse from my dad. I seek therapy from a therapist once a week. I feel this helps me to a certain point although sometimes I can get really angered or frustrated when I leave his office the same way I came in. I just know that one day things will be better for me and I can live a worry free life.<br />
<br />
I am glad you took the time to read my story and glad to see you connected to what I wrote. Sorry these things happened to you but I want you to know it will get better. Just hang in there and I truly hope for the best for you. John

Understanding your sexuality and dealing with it its hard , and when family and friends found out its always extremely hard to go on.<br />
I only told to 3 of my nearest friends... even thought 1 is bisex the other is lesbian ... guess i felt more at ease.<br />
<br />
I was abused by my uncle as well when i was really small , that lead me to suffer of various minor mental disorders wich i solved except for my bipolarism.<br />
At times i would litterally go nuts... i pass for being a calmed , serious and competente person to be an iperactive extremely talkative and sconclusionate person.<br />
This unfortunatly reflects as well on my sexuality wich is why i tend to prefear not to be with anyone.<br />
<br />
Still i try to control my urges of crazynes and since i found out i was lightly bipolar i live more relaxed and i can control myself properly.<br />
<br />
I still wish i will one day fill clean and be myself.<br />
As for my abuser... hes half crazy since he was addicted to drugs.. at times i just wish hed died but.. i do realize there is no need to hold a grudge to an old crazy man.<br />
<br />
I wish the best to you , your a good guy , i hope ill have one day the same courage you have in living your sexuality with friends and family.

i have no one really other then the 2 kids that live with me, that i take care of butt hey are pushing the ned of ther lifes too so when they are gone if i have no found some one i will take a job off the boasr and go back over seas

rickibrat2<br />
<br />
I see you had a rough life. Let me tell you it is never easy losing someone that you love. Especially a close partner at age 19 like that. You are very brave for hanging in there and living your life. In this life we all try our best and I say this is what matters the most is that we all try. I hope you are doing better today? Who are you seeing today? Anyone special?

it real was in our casewe grew up in a different world then people live in today<br />
<br />
like any one else we alwasy laid beside each other and talked about things even thing other then love, and after her death i hunted death fromt the time i got out of the nave 1970 till the middle 80 i hunted death is all the stuipd wars around the world, and it was never aboutthe money i would spend that fast once back int states then be gone again but i did make sure all her dreams for the kids in our group where taken care i mad sure they got there first home to rase there kids in and the money they paid back when into accounts to make sure there kids got to go to school<br />
<br />
1990's a freind grand daughter was killed as we [ me and one of thekids that lives with me] drove the 150 miles to go the the services the only thing out friend said to be cool this was a a group we had been at war with for along time and as we drove in to the church you had all these guys in suits writting plates numbers down we parked my van and i got steve out and his wheel chair and we went into the church and we were standing there with our group when alli heard was a RICKI and this lady came running across the church and jump in the air for nme to catcher just like when she was a little girl and lived with us and her mother and we look around and we have people ready to kill each other just waiting to see what was going on all she said was thisis ricik and she pulled out one of old cards we ahjd collected over the years for helping a group in town think it may have been one of the only meeting between this 2 clubs noone was killed<br />
<br />
but even little big eyes is now dead she died 2 weeks from cancer but she grew up withus from 1961 then her mother remarried a nice person i did see her seveal times after i was hurt and she help out grabnparents take care on me and change me like we had doen her form many years the last time we saw each she had just turned 17 and we were all at the cabin for out grandfather death to scared hisw ashes in the lake

my heart goes out to you ricky, love is supposed to be unconditional

but at least now you can get the paper work changed if it was done in error and you can prove you are the other sex back in the 60 that could not be done<br />
<br />
and she still had a body that did not fit eather sex but we had talked witha doctor that at age 21 would have corrected that part but we still could nor make love and male female but we did not care we loved eachother very much and i still love her very much no she was killed at 19 in viet nam the day after i was rpeorted KIA and her mother killed her self the same day she was killed thing she had lost both the kids she reasied

rickibrat2<br />
<br />
Thanks for getting back to me. I say is should not matter who you go out with or who you choose to marry. We are who we are and we are no different because we chose to love someone differently than others. Unfortunately for us here in the US we are not allowed to really marry gay people. Only 5 out of 50 states marry gay couples and 10 out of the 50 allow gay couples or gay married people to adopt kids. This is hard for a lot of us. Me and my boyfriend hope to get married and fortunately for us we live in 1 of the 5 states that currently allows gay marriage while you can go to Canada and gay marriage is freedom everywhere there. It is sad to see that the US has not fully accepted us to allow each state to have gay marriage. I say you did a good job with your partner and yes a lot of times this stuff goes with abuse. Are you still with her today?<br />
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Again thanks for getting back to me with your response. John

many times it goes with abuse i know in my past i had a best friend and i knew i like them as other then a friend, and i know sevewra time i woke up to them kissing me and sveral tiem i kiees them, i knew our bodys were different then too boys but i also knew he was not a girl or so i belived<br />
<br />
but it turned out ok for us as he really was a gilr that was being foreced to live as a boy do to a drocot mistake and i was told the family secrate one day beofre wen went away for a week at hter grandparents cabin and that first night we became boy friend girl friend and with in a few mothes we became loves as neather one of us could have kids and we had to do it gay style so we also leanred to play very well with words and on 12/27 of that year we became man and wife even if the state would not ecpteat we wee married in a church the state had an issue withthe birth paper work and the docotr putting down her sex as male when she clear had no sex she did not have what a boy should have or what a girl shoud have