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Time To Share

I haven't really talked a whole lot about my past here, but recently, I think I have felt inspired to do so because of the strength of other friends in my circle who have talked about their experience. I think it's important to share, not for the purpose of reliving the experience, but to help others see that they are not alone. That what they are feeling is ok. And to build one another up.

I am pretty sure I was treated well for the first five years of my life. I only have a few memories, but they are happy ones. Sadly, my dad died when I was three of a heart attack. And then at the age of five, my mom died in a car accident, that the whole family was in while on vacation. Along with her, I also lost my oldest sister.

Now an orphan, I was sent to live with people that my mom had instructed in her will that I live with. My new guardians were nice at first. The first memory of abuse was around the age of six from my ( I will refer to him as) step-father. He would touch me inappropriately and come into my bedroom every night and perform oral sex acts on me. This lasted for a few years, until at the age of eleven, I told a class mate what was happening. She in turn told her mother, who called child protective services and they hauled me out of school. I was questioned by them and the police, and I told them everything. I was sent home that night. (my step-father was well known in the city we lived in, and worked for the city) I was chastised at home by my step-mother who yelled that what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors!  She instilled in me a distrust of everyone on the outside. The physical sexual abuse from my step-father basically stopped there, but he would still pick the lock to the bathroom so he could watch me shower, (I learned to put a towel up on the glass door), look in the peephole in the old fashioned door knob on my room (I covered it with tape), Use a mirror to see underneath my door when I would undress (I put a pillow down in front of the door) and frequently "accidently" expose his genitals to me. So, the mental abuse never stopped because he was always trying something.

Meanwhile, she was extremely abusive verbally, physically and emotionally. She blamed me for the sexual abuse I had endured from my step-father saying that I shouldn't be so affectionate. I shouldn't want a hug, and so on. I was just a little girl who lost her parents, but she had absolutely no empathy. She put on a great show for everyone else, but behind closed doors, she was evil to me. I regularly got the double leather strap, I was hit all over my legs with kitchen utensils until I was badly bruised, hit in the face, beaten in the head with a brush until it broke, and screamed and yelled at, called a ***** and that I wouldn't amount to anything. This was all for infractions such as eating ice cream, or touching her makeup. I was treated like their maid, and cleaned the entire house, did the gardening, mowed the lawn, everything basically except for cook dinner which she did, and then I did the clean up afterwards. I wasn't allowed any friends over, and no tv except maybe an hour on the weekend. I lived in my room when I wasn't doing chores and wasn't in school and read read read. I read everything I could get my hands on.

At the age of thirteen, my three step-siblings (children of my step-father) pressed charges against him for the abuse they had endured over the years. They were much older than me, and were out of the house, but they came to the point in their lives where they needed to do something for what was done to them. I was removed from the home for two years until the sentencing date. He was sentenced to three years of prison. Everyone knew. It was humiliating even though I was a victim as well. Just knowing that so many people knew was extremely stressful. My oldest step-brother committed suicide a few months later.

While he was in prison, my step-mother divorced him. i lived with her until I was eighteen. I am surprised I lasted that long, but she engrained in me that I couldn't live on my own. I believed her until I couldn't take it anymore and left. At the age of eighteen, I was to receive my inheritance from my dead parents. Much of it was already spent. I used what I had to go to college and to support myself and to put a downpayment on a house.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I hate what happened to me, but there is no sense in being sad about it forever. When I add up the years of abuse, it was about thirteen years. I am not going to let those thirteen years dictate what the rest of my life will be like. I refuse to. I have a lot to be thankful for. I ended up with a nice man (yes, he drives me crazy, but he tries) and two beautiful children. I think I did amount to something.

deleted deleted 26-30 33 Responses Apr 30, 2011

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God Bless you, I hope you are able know that your step-father was sick and it was not your fault for the evil that was heaped upon you in your tender years.<br />
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While reading this I felt the dread and the unfairness, and the hope and love at the end of the experience! ::Huggs:: You are making it through, glad your here with me today.

HONORED TO MEET YOU <br />
FELLOW SURVIVOR

You're an inspiration to many and your story makes me cry. I don't know you at all, but from reading your story, I do know that you are very strong and are someone who doesn't give up. After everything you've been through, you've made it to the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you continue to experience brighter days and the joys that life has to offer. You're story speaks volumes and I hope you continue to find success in your life.

I appreciated your courage for telling this story. I can relate but not yet strong enough to share my story here.

Wow what alot for one person to live through but thank you for shareing so openly.<br />
So glad you have such a possitive attitude and are moveing on with your life. Well done honestly some people get stuck and really battle to go on and live a full life. I wish you and your fam all the best today and in the future.

Thank you for this...it gives me some hope for the future.

You are an inspiration! I hope someday I can look back on my abuse as a child and be able to speak of it without condemnation and be able to say it made me better! Thank you for sharing your story.

thank you for sharing ...really heartfelt

After reading your story, I have realized we have some things in common, i sympathize because I know how the effects always haunt you. I just wanted to say that I think your step monster (mother) was wrong to blame you. You did NOTHING wrong. I am sorry you experienced something so terrible in your life. If you get the time you are more than welcome to read my story, but no pressure, that is an invitation for when you have time.. I haven't been able to finish it yet, b/c it is too emotional, nut thanks to friends on here, I am almost ready.to do so. Thank you for sharing, I know how difficult it is.I am sending hugs to you for support.

great persons are those who endured the difficulties to end. You surely are. <br />
Wish my cousin sister had the chance to read your story while she was going through the similar stage, she committed suicide leaving a note of the abuses she endured from her uncle.

your a very strong person. Hugs :)

I loved your story.<br />
I am interested in helping victims of abuse reach some kind of closure.<br />
Did you go through counseling or anything?<br />
Do you have any recommendations for other victims?

good for you! you should watch the music video to the song concrete angel by martina mcbride.

I do not think there are adequate words; however, I will clearly state that you have endured the unthinkable. And to have it be so invalidated by everyone..you are stronger than you know. Thank you for your story, I applaud your courage and perserverance. Best of wishes always.

you are an amazing woman.... really!

wow this is just amazing. and i agree that this is not something you should be sad of. u should be proud you could stand up to that.

Sorry for your pain, I can empathize, I went through many of the same things. My mother hated me after I told her what her husband was doing to me. You should be proud that your helping others like us to realize they're not alone. Your a beacon, continue to shine brightly:)

Saddened by your past but you are awesome in so many ways. May your dark days be all in the past.

You are an incredeable person, it shows such strength and courage. You have made something of yourself though it is really difficult to read someone elses experience of sexual abuse, I am really inpsired to succeed in my life like you did. Thanks for sharing. If I knew you I would give you a big hug right now

You are the perfect example of the phoenix rising from ashes. Your survival makes you truly beautiful.

Ms McToady, I say wit the utmost respect and admiration for you: You are very forthcoming and I admire that quality about you above most others. It takes a lot to tell about your past the way you just did. I am so glad you refused to let that dictate your life. God Bless you and your family.

I'm truly surprised, I didn't pick up on any obvious or extreme need to have your vengeance on your abusers. ...you seem pretty well centered to me, perhaps you have learned how to channel that energy into other areas, which is really all one can hope to do.<br />
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You will never forget, you can never forgive, you can only use the knowledge to hopefully protect your own children.<br />
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I commend you for being a unique and courageous woman. Own it, girl. = )

Jees louise, girl, you went thru hell. <br /><br />
What depravity. <br /><br />
So glad you carried on and did so well... so I could meet ya.

I had no idea Toady, but i'm just grateful you made it and i got the chance to meet ya...well not really meet you..awww man you know what i mean

There is always light @ the end of the tunnel. I was molested & raped & abused child by the time i was 13. By the time i was 19 I had been admitted into 23 mental hospitals for suicide attempts. I am 32 years old & i have one daughter...Who i try to protect from her father who is abusive. I know things will get better for her & i. Thanks for sharing your story...

I'm sorry that you were forced to endure so much abuse at the hands of people that your parents obviously trusted. <br />
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I sometimes wish human beings came with warning labels, so we had a heads up on what to expect and specifically, what we needed to protect ourselves and others from. *sigh* Unfortunately, that isn't the way life works.<br />
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My mother told me that the man (one of her boyfriends "Ronnie" for anyone that knows my story) who abused her and terrorized me as a child, had recently passed away. <br />
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I didn't know how to feel about that. Happy, sad, indifferent? I replied, rather laughingly, "well, I guess he doesn't have to look over his shoulder anymore." <br />
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As a child I used to have dreams about killing him. I dreamt about him for years after he was out of our lives. I know. Horrible. Thankfully, I don't anymore.<br />
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I remember telling him, "One day, when I get bigger, I'm going to find you and I'm going to make you sorry." He would just laugh at me.<br />
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I admire your courage, McT, you have successfully managed to put the past behind you and obviously carry no negative feelings of revenge in your heart. <br />
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You have achieved something that few victims ever do.

You are an incredibly strong person with bags of character, with no thanks whatsoever to that step-mother, in fact the opposite. You have made the best of a horrendous childhood and love your own two like a mother should.<br />
I don't know you very well, McT but I do know you're a warm and open person who is true to herself, and as you say, you've written this, not for people to pity you, but to help others. <br />
I really admire you, babe, for opening your heart and for being the person you are... x

McT - You have amounted to so much, my dear. You touch many people's lives daily here on EP. Thanks for being brave and sharing your story. *hugs*

Oh McT .. my heart aches for the little girl that lost everything and then had to find the strength to go on alone in such a terrifying environment. What a credit to your endurance and courage to go on and become the amazing woman that you are.

thanks for sharing. this is courageous.