This Is My Story...It's something I have always put away
something that I have tried to forget
something I don't normally talk about.
But lately I'm thinking a lot
I think about a lot of things...
I'm thinking about the new direction I want to take in life
I have decided to close this first chapter of my life completly
I'm realizing now that I can never forget my past
I cant change people or things that have happened
but I can change how I live my life from this day forward.
I am moving forward and as I do...
I realize I am now ready to open up, to tell my story, to confront it and accept it.
I want to start telling my story here on EP and outside of here also
And I hope by telling others...Other people that have experienced the same thing know
that I can relate and understand.
I was abused in just about every way growing up by an alcoholic abusive step father. My stepfather was the only dad I knew. I never met my real dad. So I refer to him as dad. My earliest memory was of my mom getting her AZZ beaten while she was very pregnant with my sister. I was probably about 3 years old. My dad was an alcoholic. He constantly beat us all up...but I feel more me because I wasn't his real daughter. There are too many stories to tell and some too disturbing. So I wont go into detail. But pretty much we were his punching bags. living with him was scary. He would drag me by my hair, he kicked me with his steel boots once in my private parts and I started bleeding. My mom got beat up pretty bad and a lot of times I would help clean her up and the blood from the walls and floor. When I was 5 years old I began to get molested. I told my mom...she just cried and took him back like nothing. Sometimes when I knew he wanted to hit someone...I would tell him something to upset him more so he would hit me instead of my brothers an my sister. I learned to somehow put my mind somewhere else and disconnect myself so I wouldn't feel anything. My sister had her head busted open when she was about 12 years old. We used to lie in school about the bruises..."oh I just fell." When my sister went to school with a bandana on her head to hide her wound, the school she went to asked her to take the bandana off. She did and then they saw her head and called the police. And when child services and police came to investigate us...my family just lied and my mom backed up my dad. I wasn't there that day when the police came over. I was still at school. Otherwise I would of told the police the truth. I grew very angry and resentful. At about 13 I started physically fighting back my dad. I have always been pretty small but I remember feeling enraged and thinking..."I'm not going to allow him to do this anymore" He was punching my mom once like always and I jumped on him to get him off her. He came after me and he was running after me and I pushed him and he accidentally pushed him down the stairs and he broke his arm. Another time too, me and him where arguing and he was coming after me so I grabbed a kitchen knife and put it up against him and he was challenging me to stab him. I didn't want to hurt him so I didn't...I just wanted him to stop. I had a lot of issues in my teen years. I did whatever I had to do forget and to not be home. I ran away, I did drugs, I drank a lot, I was suicidal. In high school I got involved in a lot of after school activities so I wouldn't have to come home early. I would listen to music, read, and draw and lock myself in a room so I wouldn't have to deal with him. I got pregnant when I was 18 and that changed my life. I feel my daughter has saved my life. She is the reason I am alive today. when she was born, I promised her I would give her everything I didn't have. A normal childhood. I didn't want her to be afraid of me. I wanted to break the cycle and be a better parent. I wasn't always the greatest mother in the beginning. But I am now and I am happy that my 12 year old daughter is a happy, smart, normal, and a well adjusted kid. My dad died of Cirrhosis of the liver on 2/14/2000. When he died I was very happy. I felt relieved he was finally gone. I know it sounds sick but that's how I felt at the time. Even up till last year I still had some anger towards my dad and my mom. I know many can not forgive the one's that hurt them and that's fine. You don't have to. But for me...I felt that's what I needed to do to move on. I'm over it and moving on. I'm letting go. I am stronger today after everything that has happened. I am now a happy person with a normal life, a good mother, good employer and student. I am achieving so much in life. Nothing can or will bring me down. I have chosen to take control of my life and I will not let my past continue to affect me. I will be successful and live a great life despite my not so great beginnings.
*For all of you that have survived and gone though abuse...I tell you my story. If you need to talk I am here are willing to talk if you need. You are not alone.