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Why We Keep Bringing It Up...an Essay

So…dragonofjapan said something: “Yes, you were abused, but what are you going to do about it right now?”
So I was thinking about that.
What a lot of abuse survivors do…appears like wallowing. In some cases, it may actually be wallowing…but for most of us…

What it is necessary to do seems counter-intuitive. In order to become a whole person, we have to examine the past in detail. We have to be heard by others. We have to have the feelings we could not allow while we were busy surviving a life-and-death situation. We usually have to fight programming that continually tells us we are worthless; that programming never seems to go away entirely in many cases.
To survive, we had to shut off our emotions, you see, and while that kept us from feeling precisely how abandoned and in danger we were at the time of the abuse…the emotions will remain shut off. In many cases, this leads to profound depression and suicidal thoughts. Too, there are specific brain changes associated with PTSD. Metabolic brain errors are induced by trauma.

( http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/12/091231153341.htm )


So to some degree, those of us who’ve had this kind of damage are never going to be what we could have been without it…and we have to come to a place of acceptance with that.

Our parents basically showed us by their actions, and in most case told us, that we were pretty worthless. Typically there was not a sane reward/punishment system, so we never knew what was going to get the crap knocked out of us. Learned helplessness ensued. We’ve been programmed from a young age that we can’t stop people who were supposed to love us…from hurting us so profoundly many of us want to die. So we have to disassemble…programming that was screamed or beaten or molested or raped into us, and furthermore, the programming was done while our brains were still growing.

I understand some people are able to get over the programming. I suspect I personally am always going to have the random nasty thoughts: you’ll never get that right, you’re worthless, stupid, you can’t do anything right, you’re disgusting, you should just kill yourself now and save everyone from the filth you are.
Fighting the thoughts is just something I have to keep doing.

We really need to hear, like a scratched CD, over and over and over, it was not your fault, you didn’t deserve that, that was crazy, who would do that to a child? Things like that, we really do need to hear them over and over…And I’m sure this looks ridiculous to the non-survivors…When you’re a child and the people you NEED to trust are putting your life at risk...the usual rationalization a small child comes up with is punishment.
“I am bad, this is why mommy whipped me with an electrical cord.” “I was bad, so daddy punched me in the mouth.”
We almost universally blame ourselves for what our out-of-control parents did.
Too, we associate love and trust with being tortured. Some of us seek out relationships that feel familiar. Some of us avoid relationships at all. Some of us are terrified by emotional closeness and do our best to run people off or run away from them. Those of us who have a lack of insight and a dearth of empathy, sadly, may be the ones who take the cycle on another generation.

We need to feel our feelings. We need to cry the tears and scream the outrage that could have gotten us killed. Don’t think it could not have happened in many of our cases. It’s not terrifically hard for someone who’s twice your size to hit you just a little too hard, or knock you into something and accidentally kill you. My dad’s sexual abuse gave me a bladder infection that put me in the hospital, so that sort of thing can happen too-kids’ bodies are really easily damaged.
As adults we run around with canned rage, sadness, terror, and loneliness…and have to slowly work through the feelings…and how they affect our current personality. There are a lot of alcoholics and drug addicts who have resorted to substances that can kill them to avoid feeling the agony that child abuse survivors feel. There are people driven to suicide by this stuff.
So many of us are told things like: “Oh, that’s in the past.” “Why worry about that now?” “Just forgive and forget.” “Get over it!” Well, if we’re having flashbacks…it’s as if it’s happening…right now. But even if we are not having flashbacks at the time, this stuff can often cast a lifelong shadow over our lives.
There’s potential that’s been shaved off our lives, years we will not get back, time and energy spent in healing from the abuse, time and energy spent running away from the abuse mentally, things in our lives we messed up because we did not have our head on straight, relationships that got damaged or destroyed, interior misery we suffered, self-hatred we didn’t deserve, damage we’ve done to our bodies and minds because we hated ourselves and wanted to die.

…So, that’s why we keep talking about this stuff. By talking about it we ARE trying to put it behind us.
Putting abuse behind us does not happen by clicking our heels together three times and saying, "There's no place like sanity, there's no place like sanity."

Feel free to add anything I left out in that litany as a comment.
hylierandom hylierandom 41-45 54 Responses Jan 20, 2012

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Reading this again, I feel differently than when I read it the first time.

I'm mad as hell & if I lost all logic/humanity- if I let go of the anger at all that it would cause me to explode & slaughter all those that had any part in exploiting, neglecting or abusing me. I'd then wreck havoc on everyone who stood back after the fact & didn't do a ******* thing-I'd persecute their neglect- you frickin low-life treacherous ignorant POS parasites. No phone calls, no visit's- bullshit.

The world better be grateful that we do have enough sanity left because they'd be often murdered & miserable ******* people instead of the ignorant pieces of shat that they are now.

Hope you are doing well Hylier- love the new avatar!

Outrage is 100% appropriate. Forgiveness is overrated, IMO.

"Some of us avoid relationships at all."

Yeah.

That's what I do.

If I may say so, you are a gem. Really liked your post. Please hang on.

...Major depression, anxiety...the usual, but severe.
I take a pill buffet these days...O.o
I'm glad you're still here too.

A child that was abused constantly, rather than just once, her brain developed FOR the abuse! When I told on my stepdad, everyone but my family believed me! His *** is in jail just a few miles from my home for what he did to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never been so proud of myself as the day that I told on him to my school counselor!

I think of constant abuse and neglect as a sort of a net in terms as what it does to a childs brain, each abuse adds to that net, tightening and weaving until everything is so tight together that it is almost difficult to unravel.

You know, I used to hate myself. But now I love the way my mind works, I could never go back and have a one track mind, it's too fun! I understand that the almost 2 decades of abuse and neglect did this to my mind but I am going to learn to harness it and actually do something good with it, if I can just get my husband on board too!

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your post is such an inspiration, bellamae. You have definitely earned every bit of pride you feel.

What's up with all these families that won't believe their children??? I suppose fear. But hell, it can't begin to compare to the fear you lived with everyday.

Glad the bastard is in jail. What kind of sentence did he get?

@Lilt, they seem to either disbelieve or minimize...or if not told they don't want to see something that ought to be obvious. I don't get it either.

Thank you!

Child abuse 1st degree.
2 Sodomy charges

He has been in jail since 2006, will be released 2018- so 12 years for what he did to me! I met him when I was 4 and the abuse stopped when I told on him when I was 15, so that just about matches, never realized that before!!!!

Years of therapy have allowed me to be blunt with my abuse. There have been times when I have told someone and they were shocked because they had been abused but never even told anyone!

Because people that have never been abused can never understand it, they might get the gist of it, but that it all!

Thank you!

That is awesome! I'm very glad you put him in jail, and I'm really glad you love yourself.
For me, self-esteem's a struggle. Right now, I'm winning. I'm glad you are winning also. :)

It's taken many years! I think having my daughter changed my perspective on myself!

Hylier, you are a WINNER no matter what you do in life! :)
No amount of loss, failures you have in your life can even compare to what you have won! It just doesn't touch it!

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With your permission I would like to share this privately with a very special someone who shared childhood with me.

Thank you for your insightful thoughts.

Please feel free to recopy, helping people's always good.

This post is inspiring. A close friend of mine suffered horrific abuse as a child and is working incredibly hard to resolve it as she builds her own life.

Your post helps me understand her far better, perhaps enabling me to be of more help to her.

Thank you for your honesty

Excellent post! Pretty much describes how I feel and what I am going through. I am desperately trying to work through my past and reading this reminded me that I am moving in the right direction!

Thanks again!

I'm always so relieved when someone shows that they know what they are talking about when it comes to childhood abuse. Thanks for the post.

Stick with us and you'll be wearing horse turds as big as diamonds! -- Willie Nelson. We are here for ourselves and each other. If it helps you, it helps me. Thank you.

Thanks for writing this. I was ready... I got something from it

I'm glad. :)

You probably won't be free of random flashback s - I get them too - but if you are lucky enough to be able to correct current behaviour it will all be in the past - and the flashbacks will actually become a comforting measure of how far you've come

I still don't remember most of it...When I do remember, it's more abreaction than flashback...Which, at least I get to feel horrible about it for a while, but then it's over. So not the same stuff over and over.

I think I'm familiar with...

Yeah people can be awesome or they can be awful and gross. I posted about being molested by my crazy stalker brother and a troll kept insisting that I just had sex with my brother, he'd stop acting so nuts.

YUCK! Dude, some people on here are just creepy!
I hope you reported that bast@rd.

I was emotionally abused when I was young but not anywhere near this kind of magnitude.... I was being trained to act like it, but I was blessed by a loss that taught me the path I was on would lead to lots of loneliness and guilt and turned myself around. I'm nowhere near qualified to claim any camaraderie here, but I have to say: Are you serious? People really ARE so ignorant?

"Are you serious? People really ARE so ignorant?"
*Nods* Yes.
Though for a number of them, the ignorance is more than just ignorance...they themselves have stuff they are trying to "just get over...it wasn't THAT bad, that's just part of life"...Et cetera.

Yes Hylie; so true. I think that, somewhere in their minds, there is a notion that, if only they can convince you, then that would make it easier for them to come to believe it for themselves. Its a shame, because it can be so harmful to someone who doesn't understand the underlying motive. Thanks...

The comments here and the original post have helped me to understand the other voices reinforcing both sides of me; one side saying I'm ok and the other saying that I'm still worthless and don't belong.

They have helped to explain the lashing out for no apparent reason and the panic attacks that come during an otherwise stress free time.

My wife could not understand how, when I was near to death a few months ago, I could so easily accept that I was probably going to die. She thought I was suicidal, and the hospital staff put me on "bed alarm." One of the voices was strongly saying "Had you died when they tried to kill you you'd haved everyone a lot of trouble. Now go ahead and die now and stop breathing everyone else's air."

**** oh Dear! There are no words better spoken or written! Too bad we are screaming them at our cellmates in the Bedlam that is our experience. The two proclamations, "God sure ****** up when he made you," and " God doesn't make junk, " leave me wondering "Who made ME, then?" Backhand or forehand slap, fist to the face, boot to the shins, cook7ng spoon to the head, ad finitum have drilled into my head that, yes, God certainly does mistakes, and you are it. Relationships job failure, and self worth are the price WE paid for the abuse THEY laid on us.

"Too bad we are screaming them at our cellmates in the Bedlam that is our experience."
True, we're usually preaching to the choir.
...OTOH, by my age, most folks have had sorrowful things happen.
So are more likely to understand, I think. Not always.

I don't understand OTOH. I found your post by accident (or was it providence?) I loved what you said in the original post. I want to share it with my brother who is having a worse time of it than I am. Those who are not survivors (are any of us REALLY survivors?) will never get it, and even several who are don't either. I just ended a relationship with a boss who had been abused as a child and he continually exhibited the very behavior that his mother had dumped on him. Talk about a dynamic situation! Me? A survivor? I'm not sure yet. Possibly, when they finally throw dirt in on top of my remains, I will be able to rest. I don't know.

OTOH= on the other hand, sorry to use text-speak.

...We tend to re-enact the abuse in various ways. The way to stop doing that (and usually sabotaging ourselves by so doing) is, first, to become aware that we are re-enacting.

Mostly that means re-processing the trauma.

I had six months of couch time back in the early 80's. Now I'm supposed to reanalyze all that and try to redefine myself? I'm too old to reinvent myself. I'll just entertain myself for the rest of my life trying to figure out the difference between "Get over it" and "God don't make trash." Oh! and I'm supposed to figure out techspeak at the same time. Got it!

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This is such an insightful post, Hylie. It is an excellent example of the hard "disassembling" it takes to find yourself amongst the ruins. For all the experts expounding on the importance of shaping the young mind, there are people stealing that from a child.
"Get over it and move on," is fine for a bad employer or obnoxious friend. But not possible when your innocence and trust has been destroyed by people who should have loved you unconditionally.

I recently saw how this process of disassembly worked with someone close. I met my friend in a treatment center, we were roommates for a month. As her body and mind became healthier, something strange happened. She started having debilitating panic attacks. They would come in the evening, always around the same time. After a week, we discovered the trigger was a TV show another woman was always watching, Criminal Minds. With some serious work with her therapist, she finally recounted the day her mother shot her father. She shot him right in front of her, when she was a young child. Her father survived, but here is the unbelievable part...no one EVER talked about this incident. EVER. None of her siblings, extended family, no one. Her mother was, and still is, extremely verbally abusive and mentally ill. My dear friend had "learned" to take the abuse for fear of upsetting her mother. As her therapy continued, she tried to talk with her siblings about the incident. They refused. As did her mother's sisters. Seems like everyone adopted the "get over it" method of therapy. My friend is slowly getting better. I am in awe of her strength. Undoing 40+ years of darkness and fear is hard work.

I also admire you, Hylie, for taking on this journey. It has to be very scary at times.

well...I found other people in my head...so that's both confusing, overwhelming, and ...oddly funny.

Like DID?

DID-NOS, because it's not *exactly* the classical description of DID, but I'm/we are fairly close.

"NOS?"

The "elephant in the room?" My siblings and I have breakfast together once a month in hope of healing some of those old wounds. We talk of everything BUT the old wounds and everyone keeps looking at their watch or cellphone for the prescribed hour of agony to be over. It will only be "over" when they carry my corpse away.

Too bad that elephant doesn't start talking, Casualwear. They say an elephant never forgets.

So, what is the "oddly funny" part, Hylie? I'm not trying to make light of your struggle. I have just found when dealing with my own demons, sometimes my sense of humor and the absurd was all I had left.

Well...one funny thing? I was first suspecting I was DID, and I was texting someone. I typed out "I don't think I have DID," and a voice in my head shouted "YES YOU DO!"
O.o

The military use disassembly in basic training in an effort to rebuild recruits into what they are supposed to be insteasd of what they were made to be...in other words turning a "soup sandwich" into a Dagwood.

Some of us were/are too badly damaged and could not be rebuilt.

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Thank you so very much for this. Sometimes I forget it's not my fault for being so messed up.

I get mad at myself sometimes too. I WANT TO BE OVER IT!!!
Not bloody fair...
I started getting more memories back in 2011, and am meeting the other people in my head that it took to deal with this garbage I/we went through.

Personally, I think we will never be completely over it. We will heal, leave most of it behind, but there are some scars we keep carrying around with us no matter how much we want to leave them behind. But I think that\'s okay, as long as we learn to live with them and they stop disabling us.
Be gentle with yourself. It was not your fault. You dealt with it as best as you could. And you were brave, and that\'s why you\'re still here, fighting it. And it will get better, just don\'t give up on yourself and don\'t give into that voice telling you you\'re not worth it, because you are.

...That voice in my head belongs to a 7-year old.
It seemed to really help when I figured out that negative voice is coming from a child...because I now am able to take her less seriously.

Maybe not taking her seriously is not quite the best approach. She could get even more upset. Maybe try listening to what she's telling you. It is part of you, after all... Maybe she just needs to hear she is worth it too.
I know it's not schizophrenia, what you have, but I will give you this link because I loved the way this woman talked about her illness and maybe it will help you. http://www.upworthy.com/what-s-schizophrenia-like-a-woman-who-hears-voices-explains-it-beautifully-2?c=ufb1

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Thank you for bringing some thing useful to this website.

I want to note here that I just deleted a comment I flagged earlier. It was probably triggery to some here...Not the latter for me though. I just found it disgusting, as I'm sure the poster who wrote it is...even if it was a troll.

Ugh. Trolling is just so wrong. I never saw the comment but I can imagine. I've run into trolls that are just trying to stir things up for fun... I met one once years ago that posted a comment to a gaming forum in reply to a regular questioning her SO's reliability in a thread where she set the topic to being her apprehensions about a surprise pregnancy. I was chatting with her on IRC when she saw it... Poor thing completely flipped her lid. I went to the forum and posted a complaint to the mod and replied to the troll telling him he's meddling with a real human being with real feelings... He showed no remorse at all, citing it was hypothetical and he's just playing Devil's Advocate and so on.... This particular troll was known for doing this stuff. Meanwhile I and a few other buddies had to calm the girl down and reassure her. The forum mod took no action, not even to reply... And he's extremely active on the boards. I left the forum in disgust.

You did the right thing.

It doesn't bother me much, but other people are a LOT more triggery...I've sort of mentally cauterized myself in that respect and OHHH!
I was desensitizing myself to my own abuse by reading the stories of others!
So THAT's what I was doing by reading all the abuse stories! It was sort of a compulsive thing for a while, reading other people's stories.

Now I find it damned useful, people can tell me about the horrible sh!t they've been through and I won't flinch.
People need to talk about it to fix it, and so I'm very much able to help others now. This is a very good thing.

It's hard to rewire the neuronal circuitry in our brains. Studies show that PTSD which all child abuse and rape survivors have cannot be managed by meds alone. A combination of CBT and/or psychotherapy coupled with daily yoga (group practice) will rewire your brain such that how you perceive and experience the world will change to allow for happiness.

Otherwise we constantly repeat our experiences (repetition compulsion) and then have a tendency to "drone" about it. It was helpful to me to write a letter to the child I was before my abuse to reassert that all that happened to me was not my fault or my choice. And then to acknowledge that now as an adult I do have choices. And that my life is the sum of my choices. As a child that was not the case. Big hug to all survivors.

What I found helpful was to not only write a letter to my younger self, but also write a letter to my abuser, getting out all the negative, angry thoughts and feelings that I had never had an opportunity to express to them. Then, I wrote a letter from my abuser replying to my letter. The woman who was leading the exercise (this was in group therapy) said to write the response as if they finally realized every awful thing that they had done to you, every cruel word, every negative belief that they instilled in you, and to have them acknowledge all of this in the letter and apologize how you would like them to. Basically, you write down (from them to you) everything that you've always wished they would say to try to make up for what they did to you.
It's an activity that's impossible to do without tears streaming down your face, but it's so incredibly powerful to start to be able to move on.

I might try...something similar.
I can't even think like my dad. I don't get a charge out of hurting people.

I know what you mean. The key isn't to try to empathize, or put yourself in their shoes and write a letter as them, but more to write a letter that you would like to receive from them where they acknowledge what they did to you and apologize for it, if that makes sense.
Hope this helps. :)

MarquiseDelirium, my mother told me to stop having 'pity parties.' It even took me a long time to explain things to a therapist of mine who has worked with both the abused and the abusers. In the end it came down to another client trying to explain the same thing to him for him to clue into the fact that he wasn't helping. He even said to me 'you make yourself depressed'... so I dissociated ALL my emotions.

Until he unlocked them by saying that he was proud of me. That's when I started to have a lot of problems. Again. Last year my psychiatrist was frustrated with my answers to his questions that he told me to answer his questions or to leave. I left. Apparently, answering his questions with answers which implied that I was going to kill myself wasn't what he needed to know.

Last night I came to the conclusion. Adults are NOT safe. Children are safe; Adults are not. Which actually is dangerous for CHILDREN. I AM a danger to children. At least I haven't harmed a child, yet. I don't want to hurt anyone. I dislike causing pain.

I can't trust my therapists. I have no choice but to find others. They hurt me. I am at fault. I'm not worth their time. Yet finding a therapist is like finding a renovation company. It takes a long time, usually longer than the job is supposed to take, and when you're hurt... the time takes a toll on you. I hurt. I avoid Pain. Death is an escape of the Pain. I am selfish for wanting to DIE.

I am BAD. I am STARVING myself to death. I am committing suicide in a passive way. That way I am not selfish.

I keep telling you you aren't bad, you keep not believing me. Not eating is making your depression worse. No, adults aren't safe...but not trusting some adults is a good way to make yourself insane.

I agree, our mental health system is almost as screwed up as the perps who sent us there. It is hard to find a "good" one. I have been in therapy off and on for 23 years and have been through some quacks to get where I am. Are you in a large city? If you are willing to travel to get to a good one that might help. You can go online to get recommendations too, also through your insurance company. I wish you the best, we need you here healthy because judging by your writing you are meant to do something profound for someone in this world. You just haven't found it yet! You are NOT BAD! It's your experiences that have led you to believe that!

The comment was directed to you in response to your comment below my comment thread.

I know I am not evil. I am not bad. I am changing.

And I joined this 'project' for the sole purpose of writing out my thoughts and pain where I won't get hurt by others. Where I can get feedback from total strangers who I trust because I don't know them! Internet is useful... yet a tool can turn into a danger just as easily as adults do.

Uh-uh Alustrial. That comment was directed and meant for YOU. You are worthy, have meaning, and can break through this. You are meant to do something profound for someone in this world. You just haven't found it yet! You will find it, it will come when you least expect it. It will come AFTER you have done all of this hard work they call "recovery" or "therapy". And it is hard work. Also, do you think you are bad or feel bad because of the choices you make? I want you to know that we have all made these "bad" choices because being in "trouble" or choosing to be around dysfunctional people is what we do because it feels familiar.

"Wow...I can't believe that there ARE people who tell you to just get over it. I seriously never thought humanity could sink any lower than it already has. Abuse survivors aren't wallowing, they are speaking up after being unheard for so long. So after being silent for say...18 years of torture out of fear that WE allowed to be planted in them, we want them to shut up when they are free to talk out it so they don't ruin our bubble baths and champagne made of gold?
Good job writing this letter...you should publish it somewhere. Spread awareness."

I showed evidence that there are wosre... that therapists can be worse.

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I'm crying too. I also want to clap, lol. Bravo. What an awesome, well written letter to all the "just get over it, it's in the past" judgers who obviously have no clue what it's like to live with these skeletons in their closet.

Thank you for writing this, and doing it so well!

Thank you. :)

I cried when I read this, you summed up exactly how I feel and no one does or will understand around me.
I keep everything hidden but I get flashbacks, but haven't ever told anyone of my experiences.
I believe my childhood had a very negative impact, and as an adult I am very childlike with certain aspects of my life. I want to get past this, but every now and then I have bad relapses. I constantly have suicidal thoughts and I hate being left out of a joke incase the joke is about me.
Thank you for making me see that I am not alone, and I can deal with this.
I'm new here but wish I'd looked at forums like this a long time ago

Brilliant way of putting it im 32 i wish i had over found these online support groups along time ago.... i am in the beginning of my healing process im currently journaling and reading and responding to our community who ever where ever we r we understand how eachother feel united we stand im thankful for that

I know you've had tons of similar responses to this writing but I still wanted to post something. I have just begun the healing process after reading some books and realizing that I have repressed memories of childhood abuse, to the extent that I don't remember a good chunk of my childhood (from about age 5 to 12). I am frustrated by the fact that I can't remember anything at all about what happened to me (although deep down my gut tells me that I was sexually abused by my father or that it at least had something to do with my dad). Although I am terrified of the flashbacks that might come and finding out a truth that I have repressed for so long, I feel as though I can't move forward and know who I am until I do. I live with my boyfriend and although he is amazing and loving and giving in so many ways, he just doesn't understand why I feel so sad and worthless all the time and why I am "dwelling" on this new discovery instead of just moving forward and "just be happy". I am actually going to make him read your story because I think you have explained it so perfectly. Also, it is wonderful to hear that someone else is having the same feelings and problems as me and it is further evidence that I am not crazy or making it up; I was abused, even if I do remember it. It affects every aspect of my life and explains so much of my personality and behavior over the years. Anyway, I really just want to say thank you for putting into words what I couldn't and for sharing your story with me. Feel free to email me anytime if you need someone to talk to. Stay strong, you're a survivor and will continue to survive!
Jennifer

I can relate to every word you wrote, I to, am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and it has ruined my life, to say the least. I can't talk to anyone about it. All they can say is "leave it in the past" these are very harsh words for us, the survivors, to understand, for the past continues to haunt us for our entire life. My life has been filled with sadness, anger and severe depression. I have lived my whole life coping with this that it has ruined everything I've touched. I suffered through my childhood and teenage years and it trickled over to my children and relationships. I still have flashbacks of what happened to me, such a long time ago. To me it seems like it was yesterday. Not a day goes by that I don't relive it. I am 58 now, and feel that my whole life has been wasted on coping. Not to mention the problems I have encountered since I started speaking about it. My family believes me, but feel I should leave it in the past. That is something I am not capable of doing. I would love to find a group with whom I can share all my feelings with, without feeling like I'm trying to make trouble for the family. God bless us all!

I would love to find a group also. For me I spent half of my adult hood years trying to piece together who I was and what happened to me. All I could remember were images of a few individuals and what their title was to me. I could remember nothing about anyone once I was finally gone from them and fee. My brain was worse than Swiss cheese. I have worked hard over the years and now instead of amnesia I can say I have some Swiss Cheese holes in my closet. Better, but some days I wonder why I thought I needed to know so bad.

I completely understand, sosad, the sense of energy drain from coping. I feel that all my intelligence and energy has been used up in just trying to keep my wits about me, preserve a place that knows my sense of injustice is accurate, and fight against those present who endured much of the same and have tried to tell me either it didn't happen, it wasn't so bad, or I am fundamentally wrong and ignorable.

You explained this so well!

Thanks!

You are very welcome. It honestly inspired me to start talking more! Thanks!

This was awesomely worded, factual and so accurately to the point.

:) thank you.

This is a beautifully written and insightful essay. It's very gentle.

I feel as if you've taken my hand in yours and used your voice to explain what it looks like inside of me.

It's the kindest reflection I've ever seen.

thank you.

I ...... wanna try
I wanna cry
but that's pointless
I mean ...... I will fight

<p>ptsd is very real,as an abuse survivor,people need to realize not only were we abused as children,which involves beatings with belts cords tree branches etc,there were daily if not several times a day hard smacks across the face,insults,name calling,being told your useless,military style excercises,such as being forced to run in circles during a thunderstorm,(i was shocked when i learned other abusive fathers did military style training abuse as well)along with being abused comes having your parents fighting everyday (but usually its the agressor raging, as my poor mom tried desperately to keep the peace,he didnt only hit us but he whipped things at us as well,hes broken a whole china cabinet full of dishes,that is one of my ptsd triggers,the sound of dishes crashing,broke my mothers glass coffee table,threw a huge ashtray at my mother and missed, hitting my sister square in the chin ,and there was blood everywhere.My dad once picked up a large frying pan full of frying porkchops and whipped it at us but burned his entire back,and we heared him screaming in agony,that was meant for us kids,he would have burned us alive if it landed on us as we were small kids then.Alot of abuse survivors get bullied at school daily,not only by students but by teachers as well,because we are very seldom the teachers pet,so life is a living hell,homes not safe and schools not safe,so simply telling us to get over it,thats not the answer,and no i dont wallow in my sorrows,but family get togethers become ,lets relive the abuse and argue over who got it worse. thankyou for your article i can relate</p>Oh and for those of us girls who were not sexually abused or raped by our abusive fathers,mine would say very demeaning things to me like,grow up and act your age you got a moustache gowing,and he wasnt talking about my face,same as smarten up dont be so immature you have oranges now.so people wonder why im messed up.and to the successful abuse survivors with no issues congratulations is all i can say