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Agony, Pain, And Suffering, My Hatred Of My Father Burn Like A Thousand Sun!

My name is T.A.C.  I'm a 21 years old Asian male student at Mission College and in a way I suppose that I'm a child abuse survivor. I'm writing this in hope that someone know of my story and perhaps will one day strive for a world without so much hurt. This is the story of my abuse in Viet Nam.

The earliest memories of beatings I get was when I was around 8 years old. I don't really remember the caused of my suffering, but I do remember who caused it and the its detail down to the last second.  I've been beaten to pulp, kick in the stomach, punch in the stomach, whipped all over from head to toes, kick down two flight of stair, thrown off a motorcycle and even made to eat paper.  

My father is arrogant, evil, anger-management needed bastard, he usually would beat me at least two times a day without any cause, on good days I'll get kick down the stair, and on bad days the whipping. I usually would hide underneath the stair whenever he come home from his work, he's a construction company president. One time, he made some sort of losses in profit and when he come home, he saw me doing my homework and for no reason at all, started whipping me with his crocodile belt. That was bad, heck you could probably do tic-tac-toe on my chest alone ten times over, the croc belt really leave a mark, my entire body look like some snake was wrapping around me. But the beating did not stop there, he decide it aint enuf, and made me watch him mashing all my toys with a hammer.   But that was not the worst, the worst to my thinking after all these years was probably the motorcycle incident, I remember it clear as day, my father went about of tell me he's going to take me to see my uncle who's in a hospital, and on the way there, he chose the alleyway to get to the hospital, and all the sudden, he grab a hold on my collar and thrown me down the ground while driving.....I hit the rough ground with my face and injure my knees and hand....there was a lot of blood and I was screaming pretty loudly.  people came out and when ask, my dad said that I felled down because I didn't hold on to the seat properly.

The result of that outcome was that I couldnt walk for a whole 2 month, looking back I realized that may have been the worst abuse I ever got. But then, as an 8 years old, I generally just forget about it and think nothing about it.  When I was about 9 years old, one day I came home with an F on my history test (probably shouldn't have bring it home) and my father who just happened to lose some customer to his competition, decide to take his anger out on me, the first the kick down the stair, then he gave me an ultimatum: Shred my test paper and eat it OR get whipped, (here's a hint, I puked), after that he started to beat me down with his fist, on the stomach mostly, the last straw was after the beating, he took my most favorite blanket and burn it in front of me...............I swore that day that I will never forgive him as long as I lived...........and that I will never ever be anything like him.

Akabeko Akabeko 18-21 4 Responses Apr 27, 2012

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Look on the bright side: That bastard can't live forever.

My heart goes out to you in both your physical and emotional pain . I agree that your father is worse than an animal toward you, and believe me when I say that God will make him pay in the eternity when there is no end to the time.<br />
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As difficult as this may sound, I also agree with the comment by Twilight dream<br />
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...."You can hold all of that anger in, and you can hate (understandably so) but the only person that hurts is you. It will not hurt the person that you feel it for in the least, it will end up eating you from the inside out like poison. So try to forgive ( in your own time) and be happy for YOU. Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to ever let him be a part of your life if you don't want him to be...."<br />
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There are some good people on EP and you will have the opportunity to make some friends who will support you.<br />
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I pray for your safety and may you feel love in your life.

I am sorry that you have had so much pain and so much cruelty in life caused by the person who was supposed to protect you from the very pain that he inflicted upon you himself. I too know that the worst kind of pain a child can feel is the betrayal of a parent that hurts you, when they are supposed to love you, unconditionally and make sure that you are treated as precious because you are. Every child is precious. <br />
I hope that you will be able to find peace in your future and be able to let go of all of the anger and/or hatred that you feel for the man that hurt you. I had a hard time with that part, but I did finally realize that what people were telling me was the truth. You can hold all of that anger in, and you can hate (understandably so) but the only person that hurts is you. It will not hurt the person that you feel it for in the least, it will end up eating you from the inside out like poison. So try to forgive ( in your own time) and be happy for YOU. Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to ever let him be a part of your life if you don't want him to be. I agree with Paco, if you need help, seek it. Writing on here helped me as well, more than I could ever make anyone understand. It still took a while to let go of all of the hate that I carried for so long, and it was tainting my life in ways that I didn't even realize until I was able to let go........ Good Luck and remember, there are always people here if you need to talk.

I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. At one point in your life maybe you will be able to release the anger for your father's actions. It will provide inner peace and you can live a more fulfilling life. Writng about it is a good step!<br />
If you need therapy, seek it. Don't let your father's past actions determine your happiness in the future.<br />
Best wishes on your journey foward.<br />
:-)