Struggling At The Minute (very Long)

I was sexually abused by my adult male cousin from when I was 5/6-9, Sometimes he would take me to his friends house and they would place me on the breakfast bar like they were examining me telling me how dirty and smelly I was. There are lots of other disturbing details but I dont wish to share them here. I didn't tell my parents as my cousin told me that I would be sent to a childrens home for lying.

When I was 10, my baby sister was seriously ill in hospital and suffered a couple of cardiac arrests (she is now a strong fit and healthy adult). Obviouly my parents stayed at the hospital and me and my 3yr old brother went to stop with my strict grandparents, Unfortunately my brother drooled as he was severly tongue-tied and my nanna used to hit him for it. I told my mum who moved us in with my aunt and my male cousin, I started to rebel and became very difficult but everyone thought I was jealous of my sister - not true, worried, but not jealous.

My sister came oit of hospital and I had less to do with my male cousin. By then his younger sister was old enough to look after us when necessary. I was very close to their much younger sister - infact until I was 11 we were like sisters. It all changed when I was walking home from school one day and my friend told me that her grandad had done things to her and he had been arrested a couple of years ago. I went home and told my parents who belived me straight away. My dad just hugged me but my mum would not come near me. I know now that it was aggression/frustratio/devastion but still feel deepdown that she too thought I was dirty. To this day, I can only hug those very close to me like my kids and my husband for short periods.

The sad thing is that it was reported to the police but due to the delay there was no physical evidence. The police belived me but said that it would be his word against mine. Also because the questioned me with my parents presentI didn't admit the more disturbing things. He admitted it to his mum (my aunt) but they were advised by their solictor to deny everything and the case was dropped. His youngest sister was put on the at risk register. We moved house, had less contact and although it affected me to a certain degree, I started to have a realtively normal life. I didn't date boys, was obsessed with my much older male teachers and even at 18 my youngest boyfriend was in his thirties. My husband is 17 yrs older than me and I still get nervous around men in ther early 20's.

So I had now got this okay life one boy and one on the way, when my mum and dad decide to get divorced. My mum comes to live with me (4 yrs in total) and unfortunately she has always been emotionally fragile. My husband calls while I am away on a work course to say that she has taken an overdose and he didn't know what to do. I contact my brother as I am driving home who is fuming with her and doesnt want to know. My sister is very young - first year in uni and I knew she woouldnt cope and then I remember my aunt's telephone number out of the blue who was able to get there before me and help my husband. Since that time, my aunt, my two female cousins and their children have started become more involved in our lives. In fact my youngest is now six and he has known his cousins (2nd) all his life. My aunt asked me to keep the past in the past as her youger daughter (who has two girls of her own) doesn't know - it was like keeping a huge secret again.

Things came to a head about four weeks ago when I accidently saw a photo of him and his new baby on facebook as another friend had been tagged in it. I opened up my wall to be confronted by my past from over 24 years ago.and had a panic attack. Since that time I have been on medication, I am having couselling, I have been unable to work, I have even been unable to spend long periods with my kids as I dont want to distress them when the panic comes on. I feel like I am going crazy! I spend every weekend at my susters to hide from my kids and every weekday having panic attacks for no particular reason, with my husband having to be constaly near me as I get scared.alone. My sleep is terrible - its 03:00 now but I darent go to bed as I get flashbacks - the counsellor has diagnosed PTSD.

My aunt says she will support me if I want to consider reporting it again and will tell them of his admission but I am not sure what good it will do and whether I can cope with further questioning when I have no recolection of times and dates only the abuse, the colours of the implemnts used and the disgust I have with myself. Also she may change her mind again. I just want to be normal.

Thanks for reading, sorry it has been so long, but it has helped to share. Also sorry about the spelling - my meds affect my vision a little.
Cheers
C747 C747
31-35
May 9, 2012