Far Away

Whenever I look back on my life, I feel pretty far away from it. Not numb – like my feelings have deadened, just really less affected. It’s taken a long time to get to this point and I’m not saying it’s perfect, but I rarely think about it and, when I catch myself on that train of thought, the panic that was once there, is completely gone. I know it’s over now. It’s one thing to know something intellectually, but it’s another thing to really *know* it – and feel it in your soul. For a very long time, when we want to change something, it feels like it might never happen and then, suddenly, you turn around and realize it’s happened. When the tipping moment occurred, I really don’t know, but it’s like a weight has been lifted.

That being said, I know I am different person than I might have been, had I grown up in another environment. If I hear about or witness abuse, something inside me slips a little and I feel much more agony for even an anonymous child than I ever could have for myself. Because, I see myself now as an adult – not the little girl I used to be. At the time, I was too concerned with survival to focus on self-pity. But, there is some part of me that identifies with those kids – I feel so deeply affected that it can’t be purely objective. Part of that is being a mother, definitely.

And, I swear, if anyone ever hurts my son, they’d better just kill themselves because what I have in store is much, much worse.
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May 10, 2012