Searching For Something You Didn't Know You Lost...neglect...

All I wish is to be heard, I feel hurt and it's ok to hurt isn't it? -

I know this is a long post, but I humbly request some of you offer your attention, I just want to feel I'm not alone.

For this, I cannot express my immense gratitude.

Thank you.

So many negative events arise in my memory. Fragmented bits of things I forgot. They come back to me sometimes, I randomly remember small things that hurt and write them.

Since I was very small, perhaps 7-9. I remember not being able to sleep. Staying awake in the night because the nighttime was the only time I could have feelings. I remember making a chant, a little song in the darkness, on my bed, I can be alone, I can unleash. I remember being angry, I would bang on my bed with my fist, I would bang and bang, getting harder each time until for a few moments I was gone, with my eyes closed, in the dark there was no me, there was only anger. Then it would stop and the tears would come, I cried and cried until I fell asleep.

I remember curling up into fetal position, crying, screaming in silence, covering my ears as if I could hear the sound of my screams. The weight in my chest, I would put my hands to my chest asking why, why does it hurt so much, why can't you love me? what is wrong with me?

I have one memory. I don't remember why but I was hiding beside my closet behind my bedroom door. I was again screaming in silence, holding my head and rocking back and forth. I hid behind the door so that if my mother walked in she wouldn't see my tears. She had this phrase, "I'll give you something to cry about"

I broke down crying by the stairs one time, this time no one was home, I let it out, I screamed, I screamed so loud, I tensed up my body, I made the gestures to bang the floor until I was tired and fell over and laid on the floor, too tired for more tears. I never understand why this happened, it was normal for me to "release" when I was alone, it seemed to help me through the days.

I remember writing on a piece of paper "I hate her, I wish she was dead". I hid it under my dresser. When my mom found it she didn't talk to me for a little while, i don't know how long. All l could do was say "I'm sorry, I do love you" then stare at her.

I didn't clean my room properly one day, we were doing wood tiling in the house, my dad had cut a piece to fit in a corner. She said to me "I have to do this or you won't learn". She told me to bend over the bed and she stared at me, I think she debated whether to beat me with it, I was crying and begging for her not too, I kept saying "No mom you don't have to". She never did - she walked away and told me not to come out of my room, stay there and clean I think was the idea. So I sat on the floor, listening carefully for sounds so if she came i could pretend to clean. 

I remember watching my mother in the kitchen, there is a picture in my mind of her talking on the phone, doing "a hundred and one things", she would light a smoke and cut vegetables, cook and feed my brother. I would stand around just watching, sometimes I would ask to help, sometimes if she let me cut onions I was too slow. She never taught me to cook.

I would watch her often, what was I thinking? what did I feel? what did I want? I can't remember, I'll never know. She was getting ready to go out, I sat on the stairs, watching, I came in asking her "what is that?" she said something, I don't know, then I asked her again "what is that?". For the first time she slapped me, I didn't cry but tears came down my cheek, I stared at her as she turned back to the mirror to apply her makeup.

I was going to dance class near Airport road, Janet Naipaul's house. I don't know how long she asked me too hold my hand up but she did. I would get tired and tell her I'm tired, I stopped asking a little while later, lowered my hands for a rest,  but then she picked up a dancing stick and would use it to  push my hands up every time it went down as she was driving. She did it over and over, getting angry at me. When we sat in front of Janet's house she didn't stop so I screamed at her and ran out, I took a walk, she told me to stop, we needed to go to class, she didn't say a word to me on the way home, I was just happy to be going home.

She was leaving

She left me alone in the night, my younger brother was sleeping. She had asked me a few weeks ago to come with her if she moved. I was sad so I cried, I was alone so I didn't have to be silent, I was crying very badly. I didn't hear her come home, she asked me why I was crying so much, I didn't answer her, I just continued to cry. She came in then, she went to sleep, it didn't matter anyway, I didn't want her to come in in the first place, but it would have been nice.

Her boyfriend assaulted me three times, she didn't believe me. I told my brother and he took care of it, I remember him asking me a simple question in the family room, "did he hurt  you?", I said yes and he left to call the police, he even came to court with me, when we went to the U.S he made sure I wasn't alone with him. I remember him looking at my mom from the kitchen. She had asked him, "do you think I should leave", he said, "you'll know it was a mistake when something bad happens. I remember hugging my brother so tightly one day, crying, we also played games together. I wish he was around, I would go to her house with him, he isn't around but he'll protect me if I have to ask.

At first she denied the things happened, then she told me I seduced him, telling me once on vacation to Punta Cana "You like old men don't you". Repeatedly telling me she forgives me, as if I am the one to blame. Why didn't she believe me? Why didn't she protect me the first few times? - Jameel had told her I wanted it and she questioned me. She doesn't believe me and stayed with him anyway. For the years to come she would tell me over and over, "don't you think it's time you get over it? I forgive you, just come over." I didn't hate her, I didn't even know I was angry, I just knew I didn't want to be around her, I needed to avoid her. Today I know she believes it's my fault we don't have a relationship, she still shouts, tries to control me. All I know is she is toxic and I can't be around her too much.a
JanaiMarie JanaiMarie
3 Responses May 14, 2012

Do you think she has a mental disease? My mother had a mental disease and slapped me for no reason. That woman was crazy.

My mom did the same thing. I think its they create these lies in their head and start to believe them. If a man tells you something over and over again you start to believe it. But what you need to do is know that you didn't ask for it. no matter what she says you know the truth. It is not your fault. Thats the hardest part to get over. its really not your fault.

Hope you feel better soon. This is a beautiful story.