I've Only Told One Person.....

When I was 10 almost 11 by a few months. I moved to Florida to live with my mom, she was a busy woman, busting her butt to provide for us kids. She has 7 and had 5 of us down there at the time. She worked 2 jobs and went to school. The only people she could afford were her ex husbands sister and her kids. They were 16 and 17 when I first moved down. We would stay at their place 6 days a week and usually over night if not late. It all started with their cousin who stayed there for a little bit, I fell asleep on the floor and woke up to his playing with my boobs, I was 11 at this time, I started to grow early. I didn't know what to do so i just lied there scared out of my wits. He did that for a few days then he decided to let his cousins join. I knew that their mom would never believe me if i told her they were doing it too, so i just told her that the cousin was. They eventually kicked him out but until they did she had me lay on her floor for a few weeks. Once he was gone I had to sleep with the other kids. A week later the other two were back at it, but separately. It started with them just playing with my boobs, then by the time i was 12 it had moved on to them touching my ***** (please excuse the language). That lasted for a few weeks. The whole time I just lied there and tried not to move pretended I was asleep. I didn't want them to hurt me anymore then they had. It eventually progressed to them rubbing their dicks against me and ******* themselves off. They would *** all over me once they left i would go to the bathroom and wash it off as quiet as i could. pretended i was going pee. Then the day came the eldest boy decided he was going to penetrate me, when he started to put it in it hurt so bad i screamed, then he covered my mouth and told me it would be over real quick. That was the first time i had the gutts to tell him to stop. He held his hand over my mouth and shoved it in. It hurt and i did everything i could not to scream. He then told me if i told anyone he would hurt even worse. He did that almost every night for 2 years after that. I caught him touching my younger sister too. I hit and then bit him. He slammed me on the floor and did it to me instead.

I've only told one person half the details. And its been 13 years sense it stopped. It has been eating me the whole time. I don't know how to let it go. Everyone tells me I need to forgive and forget. But how do you forgive someone for doing something like that to such a young girl for so long????? How am I supposed to let this go? I still have nightmares about it. A wake up swinging at people or throw my pillows. I am so lost and confused.
lostandlonely84 lostandlonely84
26-30, F
3 Responses May 16, 2012

Can't afford it. Last time i did I was 15 and the lady told my dad. He freaked out on me and everyone called me a liar. Its taken me 13 years to talk about it in full details. I am just tired of it eating at me. How do you move past it? I'm a natural redhead and have a temper this doesn't help any.

You can forgive if you're able and choose to, but you can't make yourself forget. Have you tried therapy, sweetheart? It ended my nightmares, panic-attacks, depression, and all of that cr@p that nagged at my brain since I was a kid.

Don't forgive, don't forget. They stole your safety, your innocence, your childhood.<br />
Be outraged, you're worth it.