Brotherly Over Love

I was abused by my brother when I was about 6 to 9 years old. The only reason it stopped was because I came on and the jerk had the sense to stop because of the risk. I onced tried to tell my mom but she was busy and didn't really have time to listen. Besides that my brother was her golden boy which could never do any wrong no matter how awful he treated anyone. I was always the black sheep no matter how hard I tried at everything, but nothing I did ever felt good enough. I used to cut myself because they was the only thing that stopped me from crying. I took over 12 diet pills a day because I was and still am so scared of being fat. My mom always said to me there is no such thing as depression, there are people out there with no limbs. I had astring of horrible relationships where I got hit, told its not the jeans that make you look fat but the fat that makes you look fat. I even dated a doctor to be who told me I could never leave him because he could he had psychiatric experience and no one else would ever be able to handle me. I was locked in a room by one boyfriend and had to jump out a window and hide behind a bus stop till someone came and got me. I drunk way too much got raped well passed out and woke up with someone on me and was too intoxicated to fight back and eventually totalled my car and myself. Everything eventually started to look up I meet a fantastic guy, still kept my mom safe from my secret and what a jerk my brother was. I even sent her birthday presents and mothers day gifts claiming they were from him, just to make her feel good still. The guy of my dreams eventually asked me to marry him, and the wedding literally brought all the skeletons out of the closet. This was supposed to Be the happiest time of my life instead it felt like the worst time. I didn't want kids at my wedding and my brothers wife has little brothers. My mother called me disgusting and unappreciative, that somehow hurt me and I just broke. I'm a teacher and for the first time in my life I walked into the educational psychologists office and blurted out everything about my brother. She convinced me to write my brother a letter and tell him I remember what he did and tell him not to come to my wedding. My brothers wife's family suddenly phoned my mom and said they weren't coming and neither are my brother and his wife. My mother wanted to know what I had done and what was going on. I broke and told her the truth. She didn't handle it well at all. She believed me and cried so much i felt so awful and guilty for hurting her. My brother wrote me back the most disgusting letter which again ripped me to pieces denying everything. My mother phoned him she knew and he admitted to her the truth. Ever since that he hardly keeps contact with my mom which breaks her heart. Which in turn makes me feel awful. I thought everything would be smooth sailing after getting this all out, but it's been far from that. My husband and I have huge problems especially in the bedroom, he began to drink a lot and I feel it's my fault because I'm broken and broke him. I'm alone and don't have friends I've never been good enough for a friend to keep around and always felt different. I had a friend that I adored to pieces but once again I wasn't good enough for her. As usually I work my butt off to be the bet and feel I get no appreciation in my job, or with my husband. I will never be good enough. Mi eventually had a nervous breakdown and ended up in hospital for a week and haven't been able to find myself since than. I was put on meds which I hate taking and have an awful psychiatrist that I never want to go back to again. So at the nd of this month when my prescription is over I don't know what to do. Just wish I would be normal and feel good. I've often thought is this it is this life? I have thought about suicide often and once had it all planned out even got my work in order. And for once my mother came home early and I couldn't do it. I don't know anymore how to make things better.
allygobbles allygobbles
26-30, F
6 Responses May 19, 2012

first off I've been on this site for countless hours reading peoples emotions and their stories and your the first person I've replied to any way what you need is a start over button (i know it sound rediculous but listen) you need to move away from everything that reminds you of this life and start completely over because no one is worth your happiness and your will to live if they don't recognize the wonderful,unique ,and nice person you are then they no longer deserve to know you heck i can see that you are unique and special in your own way and i haven't met you so just start over but please please please don't give up you deserve better then that you've already been through soo much so just start over

Your life has had a lot of distress, but look at where you are? You've made it through a long line of troubles and you have to love yourself, because honey, you ARE worth something. Your mom just happened to come home early on that specific day...that happened for a reason. You are meant to be here and telling your story is a great step. Letting go and finding yourself again is a journey, but it can be conquered. Love yourself and understand that you are worth something and you mean something. maybe you've done this before, but talk to your husband and just lay it out there with your feelings and why things affect you the way they do. Do what you have to, to make you happy. But please, please don't ever give up on yourself. I hope you find what you need in life and I hope that you know that you're a very strong person.

Suicide is for the weak. Dump his ***! Your brother doesn't deserve your love. Besides, if you are going to do suicide, feel brave to call cops on your worthless husband. I'd rather be dead, free and your husband rotting in prison than you to live with one more minute with him. You survived ALL of the stuff you just written, do not forget that you can do this. I believe in you and so do the other people who've read your story. Life bit you hard, its about time to bite back.

Forgiveness was easy, forgiving yourself for all the pain you caused is a different story

You might be, if it indeed was you who caused the pain. Now it is all very chivalrous to take the blame, but that would make you trading one lie or secret, for another lie.

Your brother abused you, until he was afraid you might do him harm. You kept it a secret for your mom, in effect living a lie. When your mom found out, she and your brother fell out, that is most definitely not your fault, it still is your brothers fault, he started it, you were the victim, remember.

I can see where you feel you caused your husband grief and pain. Partly it is also your brother who caused him pain, not you. If your husband has problems coping with your past, especially the things in which you are the victim, he needs to seek help. Getting drunk is his choice, sort of. As a couple you might seek help, because when you're in a relationship, your depression is in the relationship as well. Defining the most part of the relationship. This you can work on, both of you. The alternative is ending the relationship, but that should not be the first choice.

You have lived with this for quite a long time, it is unrealistic to expect it to heal in a short time. Psychiatrists are usually awful, because they have the awful task to confront you with what is bothering you. I know mine did, he was awful, but now I think he was great.

You need to find the beauty in yourself my darling. You are a wonderful human being regardless of what has happened to you in your past. As difficult as it is, you must let it go and bloom into the woman you are destined to be. What happened to you was wrong, but you are the only person that can bring happiness from this point forward into your life. Forgive what wrongs have been done to you and let yourself heal. You deserve to be happy and healthy, living the life of your dreams! Never give up, true happiness comes from deep within yourself. Most of all, don't forget to smile.. we only get one chance on this earth. :) Stay strong.

Just one word of advice; if you are on anti depressants, don't just stop taking them. You must wean yourself off them very slowly, or you could have some serious side effects.