Time To Talk..

I have never shared my story and never thought about sharing it until my sister pointed out to me just how much I am letting my past effect me.

My mom is the essence behind all of my problems. She was the one who turned my dad into the man he was. She is a horrible person and mother. My dad isn't. i do not blame him for the abuse he had against my mother. if it was me in that situation i would've reacted violently also... My dad is my support now. He is now in a healthy loving relationship..

The Beginning: A FORGOTTEN CHILDHOOD.

My only real memories of my young life is of my father and mother fighting. They always fought. mostly when they drank. My mom was a very big drug user. She was always causing problems with my dad. About anything she could..

Ever since the beginning i saw bruises and marks on my mother. I saw my dad hit her or slap her around. This caused me to have horrible nightmares. At one point i saw my mom cruelly murder a dog in front of me. shot it through the mouth and saw it laying whimpering and in pain in front of me. She also held my father at gun point. I ran away and hid in the woods for hours until my dad finally found me.

I cant count the times my mom dragged me into town with her to the bar and crashed at one of her friends with me sleeping besides her, waking up listening to her throwing up out the window next to my head.

Eventually my parents split up and i was stuck living with my mother. At 8 years old i knew how to make her favorite drinks to perfection.. This was my job. I was my moms bartender.

She is also the reason i was sexually abused.. Which brings me to..

THE MIDDLE: A summer at my uncles..

Although i do not blame my mother for my sexual abuse it is still her who brought it about. She talked my dad into letting me spend a summer with his brother in Elko, Nevada. The first time he molested me was in the shower. From there it varies from cars to beds to anywhere he could possibly do it. He changed my life forever. He took away the one thing i had to give to a guy and can never take that back.. I was 9 years old and no longer a virgin..

I didn't speak about it to anyone. He came to visit for a week once and the entire time i was sick and throwing up because i couldn't stand the thought of seeing him again.

I finally told my best friend what had happened when i was 12, when he appeared for another visit. she told her mother but by the time she talked to my mom about it, it was too late. he had molested me in my own bedroom, in my house with my mom downstairs..

The hardest part about that was no one believing me. They didn't take me seriously, my dads family mainly. years later my aunt showed me pictures of my cousin on my uncles lap and all i could think is is she going to be next? and please don't ruin her innocence like you ruined mine.

THE ENDING: No longer the same

When i was a teenager everything changed again. I was no longer the annoying little kid i was now the teenager who needed to earn her keep. I was basically my moms slave. I cooked cleaned and anything else she wanted. I mostly did it without complaint because i wanted her to love me and show me it. Sure she said it, but she never meant it.. She proved that by saying how fat i was. She never called me pretty. Instead she would say stuff like you will be so pretty when your skinny. I was never good enough for her and i never will be. I have finally accepted that. I am trying to get over the fact that i now question my worthiness. I do not believe im worthy of love. I hope someday i will realize what i have. How much my family really loves me. And that i am worthy of their love. i am worthy! that is my mantra! i will repeat it until i can believe it..
Kaitykay93 Kaitykay93
18-21, F
2 Responses May 20, 2012

Yes ove considered therapy. I have even went to a few sessions, but I've grew further by ,yself and with my sisters help then with my therapist. Thank you. I wish you the best in your life. I will look at his work!

Have you considered therapy or self-help, Kaity? I think that your attitude will help you to get off to a good start; you have to believe that you're worth your own effort. You might check out the works of John Bradshaw—I give him a part-credit for saving my life. I wish you every success and happiness, sweetie.