Numb

i was numb but now im not. when i was numb i didn't feel the hurt and anger and fear.. now i do. now i feel it so acutely it scares me. i almost wish i was still numb so i don't have to worry about my sister giving me helpful criticism and breaking down into tears because i feel like shes telling me im not good enough. when i was numb i was safe. safe inside my mind. safe from the ******* who took my normalcy away, the bitchy mom who always talked down to me. i was numb from all the little things that i shouldn't need to be numb from. my numbness is gone. but im not healed.. just because i feel again doesn't mean im normal! i will never be normal! everyday i am plagued with thoughts of how i will never be good enough, smart enough or worthy enough. My sisters love me.. and that should help. but it doesn't because i cant understand why they would put their love into someone as undeserving as me.. my daily life is a mixture of fear, anger, depression and so much more. i don't know how to cope with all these conflicting feelings. im an adult now and out on my own. all i ever wanted was to be away from my crazy *** mother but now that i am im not prepared because even though i have went through a horrible life that made me grow up before my time my numbness keeps me from having the coping skills an adult needs. i don't have those but im trying.
Kaitykay93 Kaitykay93
18-21, F
1 Response May 21, 2012

I can relate. I could have typed these words.

I'm sorry you had to go through this too! I'm working on my normalcy! I may appear normal but I'm hiding so much inside