I Lost My Innocence...

My family and friends had always known me for being a sweet, noble, and friendly person. They could not imagine something bad could ever happen to me. I thought the same way when I was a very young girl. What bad could happen to me? Before I knew it, my childhood took its twist. At such a young age I felt my life was done. What tragedy could ever happen to me though? When I didn't even caused any harm or trouble? How about being felt upon by my own family member?  Having my cousin touched me places that made me felt so disgusted with myself that I felt was a disgrace to my family. My own cousin taken advantage of me because he knew how vulnerable I was. I never ever thought that I would be victim of sexual abuse. I was only six-years-old. I had only began first grade. Being a victim of sexual abuse was least of my worries. People had said to expect the unexpected, but who would want to expect for this to happen? I even wondered what did I do to deserve this to happen to me. Was God punishing me? Was He punishing my parents? Why did He let this happen to me?  Why did my cousin did this to me?
    I was only six-years-old when I first got sexually abused by my cousin. I was in my own room, and I woke up seeing that my parents were not there. I got scared because I had no idea where were my parents had taken off to. Then three of my cousins came into my room and explained to me that my parents went out for a bit. My cousins told me that my parents will be right back. My cousins put on cartoons for me to watch, so I can go back to sleep. One of my older guy cousins laid down next to me while the other two were sitting on my mom's bed watching Tom and Jerry. I already felt uncomfortable because he was under the blankets by my side, but I did not say anything because I thought what harm could he do if he was just my cousin. I guess you really could not judge a book by its cover because my cousin who I thought I could trust ended up abusing me. I felt his hands touched my right leg softly, and I thought to myself why was he doing this to me. Once again, he started to move his hand down to my inner thigh; I started to get more frightened. Soon as I felt his hands slip into my pajamas and started to touch my private area, my body stopped responding. Immediately I felt like my soul left my body, for I could not move. My body just froze completely that I was not able to move his hand away or speak up to tell him stop. I felt dirty and ashamed with myself. It was the worst feeling I ever felt. I didn't show any emotion, but  I was crying my heart out deep inside of me. I told God in my mind to please forgive me already for what ever sin I did because this felt awful and asked  to please make him stop. I was hoping that my punishment was over already. From then on I had lost my innocence which I wish I never had. I did not know what to do. My emotions were bundling up inside. My head was hurting from asking so many questions that I needed answers to. What if I told him to go sit somewhere else? What if I moved his hand? What if I wasn't so frightened and I screamed so loud, so he would stop? Why did not I say anything? Why did I not tell my parents right away? Why didn't I tell my other cousins? Would have they even believed if I were to tell thIem right away? Why did I had to be so scared to stand up for myself? I kept this secret inside me for quite sometime.
    Three years passed by and something came over me. I did not know what it was, but whatever it was made me speak up and tell my mom my secret. My mom and I walked down to the bus stop to go home, and I stopped my mom at the street light before we were about to cross the street. I told my mom if she remembered the time when my uncle made a remark about  my cousin ------ being abusive. I waited for my mom to respond, and my mom looked at me weird and waited to see where I was going with this question. After she told me that she does remember, I told her the secret that I held inside of me for so long. My mom's eyes were dead shot red. She was furious. My mom was hurting deep inside, for she had no clue that I was hurting for many years. She was even more aggravated when I told her who did it to me. I was living my life in fear, so I told my parents that I did not want the cops involved. I feared that he would seek for revenge once he got out of jail. He would not only just hurt me but my parents too. I thought to myself could not risk my life nor my parents because I did not know what he was capable of doing.
    The first thought that came to my mind was, "Damn not you too." No it was not him this time; it was one of his younger brothers. Why did this had to happen to me again? I was angry with myself again and mad at my cousin. Why he had to do this to me? Why couldn't they just leave alone?  Why do they had to have a sick mentality? What did I do wrong this time to deserve to be treated this way? I don't understand how could they think what they were doing to me was right. Could I even trust any of my cousins that were guys or just any family members that were guys? Could I? Did I provoked him? I could not have because all I was doing was watching T.V. How could that made someone want to abuse another person? I was covered from head to toe. I was not wearing anything that seemed skanky. So why the hell he did that to me? I just wanted to kill myself because I saw no hope for myself. I did not want to live if my cousins kept abusing or tried to. My life was not meant for someone to keep on being abused. I was so mad at myself for not speaking up and letting it happen again. I let fear control me, and that fear led me to become a complete mess for several of years.
    The night before my 8th grade graduation my mom found out about my other cousin who had abused me too.  I was shocked because she told me out of no where when we were arguing. I froze, and I did not know what to do. I just ran outside and cried till it started to get late at night. She found out because she read my diary that I had left behind. I was mad at first because my mom had to find out this way and told me the night before my graduation. Later on I felt glad that she found out, but I wished she didn't have to find out that way. How could I ever tell my mom that I had been abused again? I could not tell my mom about it because I was so ashamed of myself, and I thought my mom would thought that I was a disgrace, and she would be ashamed of me.
    When I turned fifth-teen, I was fed up with everything. I was letting my situation eating me up inside. I wouldn't show it physically, but my academic grades said it all. I was failing three of my classes in high school, because I was letting every thing that happen to me to control my life. I felt it was just too much for me to handle. I could no longer held it inside of me. I did not seek for any hep because I was embarrassed and ashamed. I had to do something about it, and I finally did. I was proud of myself for doing something that was actually right for me. I had a doctors appointment  because I had gotten sick over the weekend at Las Vegas. The doctor asked me a couple of questions, and she asked my mom if she could step out for a bit to ask me some personal questions. The doctor had asked me has anybody hurt me in some way. I thought to myself that this is my chance, and I had to say it now. I told the doctor that I had been sexually abused, and she was shocked because she was not expecting for me to tell her anything. She called my mom back into the room to discuss about what I had just said. I did not know what I was getting myself into, but I felt free for once. After I told the doctor, I had to tell the social worker what had happen. The social worker informed my mom and me that there will be another social worker stopping by at my house to ask more questions and to write down what happen to reported to the police.
    A case was made for me, but  I made a choice not to go through with it in the end. I felt bad that I had wasted the cops time and anyone elses who was involve to help me, but I was glad because now my cousins had to be on their toes. I no longer had to live in fear or watch my back all the time. Also I did not want to go through it because I know that they would be just in jail for a couple of years, and that wasn't justice for me. If I knew that they would be gone for good, I would be content. I had never wished for someone to be dead, but I wish some how they could just disappear for good and no longer cause harm. My dad told me that the only way I could actually move on would be if I were to forgive them. I told my dad that I could never forgive them.  How could I ever forgive them if they even could not apologize to me face to face but were able to apologize to my dad? I told my dad that I will let God take His place to forgive them because I would not be able to do it. I told myself I will find another way to become stronger person and move on with my life. I actually did.
    In my last year of high school, I decided for  my conflict resolution class to make a club that helped students who had been victims of child abuse or knew someone that was a victim of it. I was having problems with creating this because I had no support. Because making a club at school did not work out for me, I decided to take a different route. I started to seek look for any volunteer organizations that dealt with kids who had been victim of abuse. The closest one to me was the Free Arts For Abused Children, but I found out that I had to be 18 years old in order to volunteer. No matter what obstacle I had to overcome I was not going to give up. I just couldn't because if I could help out another victim some how I knew that I was becoming stronger. Now I got an internship with in the social services and probation department. I was proud of myself because this was a great way for me to help me to move on, and show my cousins that I would not let them win. In addition, I always wanted to be a social worker. I was not only doing this for myself; I was doing this for the children that had lost their voice and needed someone to help them speak up. I had always wanted to make the message across that these children could trust someone, and I hoped that I get to be that person. Because whatever had happen to these children, it was never their fault. I would be that person to let them know.
KayEmDee0619 KayEmDee0619
2 Responses May 23, 2012

You are a wonderful, special girl, KayEmDee, and I for one am very proud of you. What happened to you was not God's fault... I know Him, and I know it sickened Him! And it was definitely not your fault either. Your cousins were the ones to blame, and they will pay for it one day. God doesn't allow evil to go on forever. You hang in there and continue to help others who need your help. Many blessings on you, hon!<br />
<br />
pmcilveene<br />

When you stay strong, you survive. There's a lot of sick, twisted, evil "people" (I can't call them flappers people, they're more like rotten, rabid, monsters) in this world. This country and other countries needs more protection against these monsters.