My Young Sexual Abuse Is Now Failing My Marriage...

I have never told anyone what had happened to me as a young girl(4-6 years). I have some very close, I have written of it in stories ... but never have told a soul. I never forgot about it because after it ended I became very sexual and even objectified myself towards men. The abuse itself though, is foggy, I recall it in segments. It was more about fondling me then me being forced on him. I was made submissive to him. This has changed me in my adult life, this is affecting me now. My marriage is breaking and something that I barely ever thought of before is now becoming something I obsess over all the time.
I don't even begrudge my abuser anymore, or I didn't, because I still see him almost daily. But the abuse did change me. My coping was to lie. I am a liar, my husband knows this. So now that our marriage is near failing because I can't bare any intimate touching unless I am in a complete submissive manner ... I think he won't believe me and it is honestly why I never told him.

I feel like I am in a spiral and I know that this story right now most likely makes little sense. Hopefully when I can regain myself I can come back and fill in the pieces or whatever. I just had to actually "say" it... or I wasn't sure what. I am way too one edge.

Thanks.
dssarah dssarah
31-35, F
2 Responses Sep 7, 2012

Tell him ASAP. Your husband needs to know.

I have tried so many times. I sometimes think he may even suspect ... but actually saying it outloud is quite different.

I am not ready to answer to him about who it was ... and when I don't want to tell him that ... I think he will just think I am lying. Because he knows this person too and I don't think there is any reason to drag it up and out into the open. I have been looking for a therapist, but I don't know what to say when making the call for an appointment. So then I just don't call and I don't talk.

Either way you have to try, Best Case, you can save your marraige, worst case, your failing marriage ends sooner. First get a therapist asap.

Try saying I need someone to talk to about something that happened to me.
Ask the therapist for help saying it out loud. Practice saying it outloud.

Have you ever heard of empty chair therapy?

Thank you.
It is hard to think about the worst case, we have 3 children and have been together since high school.

I have not heard of empty chair therapy.

There are many versions but the one that worked for me was, you take an empty chair and talk to it like it's the person you have trouble with, imagining that person is sitting in the chair. I';ve included a like describing it. http://changingminds.org/articles/articles/empty_chair.htm

In your case practice telling that chair about what you endured as if it were your husband. This is just a suggestion, I'm not a therapist, but I don't see what it could hurt. maybe try it when he is not around.

Thank you again.
It took me a few tries, but I made the call and I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. Not sure how it will go, but at least I have the appointment.

I'm glad to hear it . I'll keep you in my prayers.

3 More Responses

you have taken the first step,atmiting that you were abused.the more you talk about it the more you can deal with it. the sercret that eats away from the inside,becomes less of a problem.I was abused sexual at a young age,and dealing with that has and is hard. if you wish to talk more ,add me and we will talk. will leave a request on white board.