Been Living In Denial.

i have never told anyone everything that has happened to me. I have told only 2 people some of what happened to me, but never the whole story.

My mother was a single parent, who was arrested for pointing a gun at my dad and threatening to kill him 2 days before their wedding, a few months before i was born (admittedly he deserved it)

she either became bitter, or had some sort of mental illness herself, because at times she was the most caring mother, who liked to be loving and comforting, but then at so many other times, it was like a switch flipped, and i became an emotional and physical punching bag.

when i was very small, 3-5 years old, she used to shake the living daylights out of me whenever she got angry, and yell at me while doing so asking me if i was stupid. i remember being so terrified that either my head would fall off, or she would knock it off, and i never understood why this would happen.

the name calling persisted, even at more tame times, i was forever being called stupid and selfish and worse as i grew up. (i once called her a *****, and got locked out of the house just for the day though, so i never did that again, but i was always being called something) the random shakings continued, but things started taking on a more physchologically darker turn as i got older. one time when i was 9 years old i believe, my mother and i had gotten in an arguement, which was becoming more common, as i started standing up for myself and learning how to throw insults back as a survivor technique. she lost her temper and there was a box of clothes hangers near by, as we were in the bedroom, and she began reaching into the box and hitting me with the hangers she pulled out.
most of them were the hard white plastic kinds you get at department stores on the clothes on the racks. as they broke over my body i cried, and when she was finished hitting me she said, why are you crying, theyre plastic, they dont even hurt.

that was the moment i became an adult. i vowed then and there that if i should ever become amother i would never do this to my child. i vowed retribution one day, when i was older and stronger. so i bided my time. i took the abuse for years more after, and didnt tell anyone. somehow convinced it would be worse if i told. so i began to believe that i would end up being justified in having retribution later, if i could just make it into adulthood, i could get some of my own back.

when i became a teenager, i became good at defending myself verbally, but i was always too afraid to defend myself physically when things would happen, because i was afraid that if i let my guard down, and threw punches, i wouldnt stop until it was too late.

when i started getting acne, my mother would stand me infront of the bathroom mirror, and forcibly pop each pimple, which was an incredibly long and painful proccess what involved alot of crying and begging for it to stop. she never explained why she did this. but i think its because she said my father used to get acne really bad, and maybe somehow this reminded her that i was part of him and she had to remove that part.

ive been choked, hit with broomsticks, slapped, called every name, i was bullied horribly at school right from the time i started when i was 3, until i started highschool at 13, my friends would often stab me in the back, either because they couldnt handle my oddness, or because it was the cool thing to do. i finally found some solace on the internet, when i was 16, and met some friends from all over the world who liked me for me, and were kind and compassionate, and intelligent. there was one person in particular who i grew fond of, but because of my situation, regular friendship and admiration turned into smething more twisted like a jealousy, and possessiveness, and i convinced myself i was inlove with this person, and he would only lead me on by telling me we would be roomates one day, and we would get married by 30 if we werent already married to someone else etc. when i flat out confessed my feelings for him, he called me schizophrenic and asked me not to speak to him anymore. which i havent. we did meet in person once as well, i stayed at his house for a week. and i thought we would be friends for a very long time. he was the first person i confided in about anything personal, and i felt completely betrayed and i havent been able to confide in another person, except for a friend ive had since kindergarten, because shes avictim of abuse as well. and even then i havent told her everything. i have never been sexually abused, but my grandfather is a raging drunk, and he would often make pretty sick comments and since i always lived next door, or even in the same house as him, i was made to feel very unsafe my entire life.

i thought i had overcome most things, and strangely i still live with my mother, but that is because i was diagnosed with bi polar disorder when i was 23, after suffering 3 major breakdowns that had me hospitlized each time. i had to be put on disability pay, and i cannot afford to live on my own. i figure i am old enough (27) to stand up for myself should anything happen, which hasnt since my last hospitlization when i was 25.


as ive healed from the trauma of being bi-polar, and starting to get my life in order, by enrolling in school again, and hopefully finding a job after i am completed my course in a year or so,ive began to notice how stunted my mental growth has been. i am intelligent, and i try to educate myself on a wide variety of things, but socially, i still come across as a teenager, in some ways. i dont party like a teen but my social skills arent much better. but i guess that is from a life of seclusion, and being an only child with a parent who would rather tell me to shut up, then to play with me or engage me in conversation.

the hardest thing for me, is trusting another human being. everytime i try to start a relationship with a man, i always find myself too scared to continue, and ditch him before things get any kind of serious, most times i dont even make it past the first week. and i didnt want to be a person who ended up dating a bunch of guys and having a track record that might make me feel worse, so i just stopped trying to meet new people. i also havent been able to make any new friends recently, and all the ones i used to have, have either moved onto other things or to other towns, or didnt remain my friend after my breakdown. the one friend i have left is a busy mom of 2 with her own issues to deal with.

though i dont feel particularly depressed, i feel very lonely, and angry, and though i am not suicidal, i would love to break the **** out of stuff, possibly somebodies face should the situation arise, and i wasnt afraid of jail.

unfortunately, the rest of my family are not the sort of people one could confide in. alot of them have substance abuse problems, and are gossip mongerers. ive also had uncles accuse me of being a ****, or a *****, because i stand up for what i believe in. many of them are homophobic and racist. they are arrogant and were never the best parents to their own children. i never had a safe person to tell while growing up, and i heard too many horror stories of foster care to really want to tell anyone anything anyway. for a long time, i didnt even realize that what happened to me could be called abuse. i figured that, even if it wasnt normal, that there were reasons for it. i used to think it was because my mom didnt have any boyfriends, and so probably needed to get laid or something, or it was menopause, or she had some kind of illness and it wasnt her fault. i excused her behaviour, and almost had some sort of stockholm syndrom. but once i reached adulthood i was consumed by a volitile anger that i had difficulty controlling, and often cut myself, and hurt myself. the last fight i had with my mother, i almost ended up pushing her down the stairs, just to get her out of my sight, a bad thing to do and i am thankful that i didnt do it, and was able to walk away. after that i realized how angry i really was, and had to find out why i was so angry. i then realized that it stemmed from my childhood and teenage years, and all the betrayls i have gone through. i realized what my mother did wasnt normal.

ive always struggled with feelings of not being good enough, or not being worthy of success and have continuously sabatoged myself, all through school, work, and even today. i have tried therapy but the doctors in this town are so overworked that they cannot spend more than 10 minutes with you at any session, and you usually only get one session if they determine you are not an immediate suicide risk. i just feel like they are too busy to actually care about their patients, and its more about paying a mortage on their house, or a new bmw and not about the welfare of people so i dont go.

i am an athiest and believe in the power of science, and i will never go to a pastor or priest for therapy, since they condone paedophilia, and control over ones thoughts.

i found the most helpful thing was the ability to confide in a trusted friend, but unfortunately at this time i do not have anyone i trust.

i just cannot understand how a parent can do anything to harm their child. i cant even yell at my dog. let alone a baby.

the sick thing is, for everything my mother has done to me, shes never hit any of the dogs we had, never yelled at them, never neglected them. they were always treated better than i was.
coalminecanary coalminecanary
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 10, 2012

thanks for the reply. i understand your feelings of wondering what your brain might be hiding from you. in my life, alot of things went down before the age of 3, things i have no memory of. for example, my fathers mother, who used to be very caring and helpful, and not like her son at all, developed schizophrenia, and when she was babysitting me when i was 2, she decided she wanted to keep me, and wouldnt give me back to my mom. the cops were called and there was a standoff. eventually i was released. my concern is what could have happened during that time, and back then when my father still had visitation, did he do things to me? what sort of things happened when i was a baby, that might be affecting me, but i have no memory of. i thought of hypnotherapy, but its expensive, and i am afraid of what might be discovered, and its awfully easy to have suggested or fake memories implanted by an untrained doctor or therapist and that could make things worse.

I know what you mean. I the images I get and the rush of sensations I have leave me thinking the worst. I would like to know the truth but I also don't want to make my brain think it needs to find something that may not be there. Odd how I live in fear of finding out that something may have happened. I would not like to have fake memories or implanted thoughts also. Why I try to just block them and push them aside thinking just odd imaginations I hold for some reason. I want you to know I think you are very courageous. Life sometimes gives us a bunch of crap the most people would not be able to tollerate. Your strength is admirable. Here for your support
Flo

I am sorry for your pain. I feel for you situation. It's so difficult to find friends when most people can't relate to your issues. I know good people are out there. I am one of them. I had a half decent family life. No real abuse other then alienation and always feeling like I didn't belong. I am struggling with some early images in life. I have flashbacks of awful things. I haven't been able to figure out if they were real or not. They don't feel good when they flood my brain. I know that your abuse is not you but however it did form you. You can grow past the effects with a lot of support. Self realizations and love for yourself first. Here if you want to talk. I don't judge . I have needed a friend many times ........only to realize no one cared. Cheers and here for your support.