My Husband Was Molested

my husband had a bad childhood, ****** ran ramped in his family, he has little memory of 1st -6th grade, but when he was 17 he let??? a man give him oral sex, i have a hard time understanding this, our marriage is hard enough with out wondering is he gay, his 1st girlfriend was 10 and he was 11, so i feel he had free will by age 17, someone help me understand...I had my share of abuse as a child and it led to a wild out of control life but i don't know any men who say they experimented and are completely strait ..please dont say seek help from a shrink we cant aford it
swak83 swak83
41-45, F
4 Responses Sep 12, 2012

Try googling this topic. I think you may find some helpful information right here on EP, if people recommend books that you think would be helpful try to find them in the library. Use every free resource available and while doing so, use your own good judgement about what could be helpful and what may not be helpful. There is a lot of mis-information on the net, but there are many good and true sources, too. I think you will know the truth when you read it.

Your welcome, and thank you. This is the first time I was actually able to use my horrible past to help someone else. I guess when people say that good things can come from bad experiences, they are telling the truth. Understanding the feelings and pain your husband had as a child might help you to better understand him and the things he does. If there is anything else that concerns you, let me know. I don't have all the answers, and I am still searching for the ones I am missing, I am glad I could at least answer this one for you and put your mind to rest about it.

thank you that helps a lot, I have known my husband since we were 15 and 16 years old we were just friends then but i remember at a party he was worried he got the wrong ear pierced and that would make him gay, it was very funny at the time, but there's a reason i remembered that, after you telling your story I'm sure he was struggling then. again thank you.

Hi, I can relate to your husbands experiences, my past is very similar, as well as what I did as an 18 year old. When I was young, I experienced a lot of abuse. It had no effect on my orientation, but I too did something similar when I was 18. His reasons may be different, but I think you need to understand Why he did that, don't focus on What he did. <br />
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For me, it was an internal struggle with thoughts that I was not straight. I tried something like that with an older guy (which kind of reminded me of my childhood experiences), and it verified for me that I was not gay at all, it was a horrible experience and I never tried anything like that again. I guess I was trying to test myself to see if those thoughts of being gay were really true.<br />
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Many young boys who were abused as a child go thru this, especially if they were abused by someone male. That was my case. It always made me think I must have been gay since I got an erection and sometimes even physical pleasure from the abuse, and that bothered me for over 10 years. As children, boys don't realize that just because their bodies physically responded to the abuse that way, it doesn't mean that they enjoyed it. My struggle was with the fact that my abusers told me that I must have enjoyed it because it gave me an erection - that is a great way that abusers keep the little boy from telling anyone - they have a lot of shame that they think the abuser was right - that they think they must have enjoyed it. I guess the only way I could put those thoughts to rest was to see if it was really true.<br />
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I don't know what your husbands reasons were, but I think you are looking at it wrong. Don't focus on what he did, the real question is why he did that. This is the first time I am ever admitting this to anyone, and I don't know that I would ever tell someone in person, so I don't know if this is something you should just ask him. If he is ready to talk about it, let him. Don't judge him or make wrong assumptions about his orientation, maybe the fact that he told you is because he is struggling with that same question himself, he may not really know why he did that when he was 17. Feel free to share my experience with him, if you think it would help.

sorry I'm new at this I replied in the wrong area