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Broken

So here i am again, excusing myself for not being normal, for hating what i am becoming. i just feel so frightened all the time, i feel on edge, must of the time im just shaking. I sleep most of the day so i dont have to remember, so i can rest, but at night it is when it all comes back.

When im awake i cant stop thinking about it, everything i do finishes with one thought - im ****** because i was abused . This is an obsessive thought that comes and goes as it pleases, sometimes it brings memories or feelings back but most of the time it just makes me anxious and frightened. Panic attacks are more controllable but they come closer together, my skin has these weird brown spots and i can't eat or sometimes i just eat too much. I just feel paralyzed by the pain.

Every time i look into his eyes i see regret, or at least that is what i think i see. Still, regret doesn't give me anything, it doesn't make me feel better it just makes me think that he is such a hypocrite and that i hate him.

I feel damaged, broken.
magmariel magmariel 22-25 1 Response Sep 13, 2012

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You have been damaged and broken but it is no fault of yours and it can be repaired. The first step is talking about it and you have started that right here. The next step may be to get some counseling or find a family member who you can trust. A lot of this damage comes from betrayal and the feeling of abandonment as well as abuse. You must feel very alone and you need a loving family member or a very close friend you can talk to. You may also find help with group therapy and that could start right here at EP, as you read stories that are similar to yours and find out how the other people survived their experiences. Good luck and good wishes.