I Am A Survivor Of Child Molestation

I can't even tell you how old I was when the abuse started , my guess is I was between 8 and 11 years old. I didn't know what was happening to me -just that it was wrong. I was told to be quiet --make no noise, do not cry, do not talk - no noise. every night I would hear him, creeping up the stairs, down the hallway. He would start with my older sister, I could hear him , and her protests, little noises of "no, stop". after that he would move on to my little sister in the same room as me. then It was my turn. he would come over to my bed and start with me. during the day I had to act as if we had a "normal" family, but at night the monster would come. I would try and escape -anyway I could. I tried drugs and alcohol, I was a runaway, and I also found that on occasion I could escape within myself,in my own mind.
OBsbutterfly OBsbutterfly
46-50, F
4 Responses Sep 16, 2012

I found going to see a counsellor very helpful and would suggest it to any one, she helped me to come to terms with what had happened to me since then I have been able to move on

My heart goes out to you. I can relate to some of what you have said. The secrecy and pretence makes the abuse seem even worse than it already is. As it is, you're trying to come to terms with a family member doing things to you that you know are wrong and then by not talking about it, others are condoning it. It's just horrible. I am currently reading a book called The Courage to Heal. Like you, I wasn't sure of going to support groups and talking about things with other survivors face to face. But this book gave me a similar sort of platform by dealing with all the effects of the abuse one at a time. It really helped me realise that my abuser was more at fault than I was. I am still struggling with flashbacks and find it difficult to be intimate with my husband but it's helping me a lot. That I am on a forum, talking to other survivors is proof that it is. Six months ago, this wouldn't have happened. I am also writing a blog alongside it using the writing exercises in the book. If you like, you could take a look at it to decide whether you should pick up the book. http://couragetohealaftereffects.blogspot.co.ukI sincerely wish that you come out of this strong and free of nightmares. None of us deserve to suffer because of someone else's mistakes. You were not at fault and hence have the right to live a fulfilling life. All the best.

I found out about group therapy from our local rape crisis center and was apprehensive as well. My counselor was very patient and suggested I 'try' as one-on-one sessions didn't feel productive to me. I kept rehashing the same things...the outcome was always the same...the pain was still there. I think I was too caught up in my grief...the loss of my innocence, if you will, to see things from a different perspective.


Group started off by an introduction (first name only) and we weren't pressured to talk...at all. The therapist just started talking...and one by one...we found our voices. A little at first...until each of us felt comfortable enough, and safe in our environment,. One survivors experience would trigger a reaction from another... empathy is a powerful 'social lubricant'. It was painful, and exhausting, but as I mentioned before...I got more out of that group than any form of journaling or sessions I had in the past. I found some clarity. I'm happy with who I've become, and I have (almost) forgiven my body for betraying me... I'm still working on forgiving; my unanswered prayers drove a wedge between me and my faith. I'm a work in progress :) but finding peace with it (just too bloody slow for my liking sometimes)


I too, will never be able to fully understand what brings someone to do these things to a child!!!? I can't wrap my mind around that kind of perversion, but I guess that's what separates us, from them. I'm thankful my experiences didn't warp me into that kind of person.


oxo

I was molested when I was 5, by my grandmothers boyfriend while visiting, then again at 8 by a family friend for about 4 years (in my own bed when he baby sat). It messed me up too. I repressed the first time, but remember, in vivid detail, the abuse by the family friend. I'm 45 now, and it still affects me when I'm intimate with a lover. They took something precious from us and we can never get that back. Three years ago, I was finally able to have an ******. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable... but I was literally brought to tears. Something so beautiful was lost to me because of the interference by my abuser.

I've been in therapy, I've read many books...I'm sure you have too (if you haven't...it's never too late-this is a great start). I found group therapy had a major impact on me. Knowing you're not alone...that you did NOTHING wrong, and that being a beautiful child doesn't mean you brought it on yourself. One of the breakthroughs I had was identifying the shame associated with the fact that my body responded...as it should have, because it was working properly until HE interfered.

Social lubricants like alcohol, or pot would help me too, but it only temporarily dulled the pain. I was 18 when I started to speak up and get help. I was just going through the motions of life...working for the weekend and partying etc. I slowed down with the partying then just stopped, distancing myself from the world. We all heal at different rates, so don't judge yourself according to others, but you won't heal, until you peel the band-aid off and get help.

I know some of what you're going through. I'm just sooooo sorry you never felt safe at home. You are very brave for sharing... thank you for that. You are not alone

<3

thank you for responding to my story --it is always good to hear you are not alone.
I have had some problems in different areas of my life , but I learned years ago to fight and that no matter what anyone tried to do to my body they would never get to who I was inside--my spirit. I am who I am and nothing will change that. when I was a teenager it was especially hard--thinking I was some how dirty or broken but as an adult I understand more about myself I know it was not my fault . I wish I could find out why someone would do what he did, but I won't be asking him. I don't know if I can ever forgive. But I don't think I have to in order to heal. I feel no shame, because it was not my choice and I did nothing wrong. I have no problems answering question about it, but I'm not sure if I could handle group therapy face to face with people --I have never looked for any groups in my area. I do thank you for sharing and letting me know that there are others who understand and are not afraid to speak up